Forms of Intimacy

In the context of discussing Relationship Elements, intimacy is taken to mean feelings of connection and understanding formed through knowledge and experience of the other. There are many different forms of intimacies but, in the context of intentional relationship elements, the following focuses on those forms of intimacy that emerge through openness, vulnerability, dialogue, transparency, and reciprocity.

Clarifying which context-relevant forms of intimacy are present (and/or wanted) in a relationship can help with navigating how other forms of intimacies contribute to the structural dynamics of a relationship, and how these reflect/impact the broader context. There are a range of communication tools that can be useful for negotiating how these intimacies can be sustained in mutually beneficial ways.

Aesthetic intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge through sharing an appreciation of specific forms of artisanal craftmanship and/or beauty such as music, art, food, fashion, tools, environmental wonder, etc.,(compare with aesthetic attraction

Access intimacies

"Access intimacy is that elusive, hard to describe feeling when someone else “gets” your access needs… It could also be the way your body relaxes and opens up with someone when all your access needs are being met"Mia Mingus, 2011

Famously articulated in terms of disability access needs, this form of intimacy has also been described in the context of other marginalised experiences - women of color, queer and trans folks, etc.,

While access intimacy can emerge over time, as two people learn to understand each others needs, it can be most impactful when meeting someone who 'gets' your ways of being in the world (and the barriers you face because of that) without needing to have it explained. In the situation of meeting someone new, it can be contribute to a sense of affitinty-based attraction and/or affinity intimacies.

Affinity intimacies

Connections formed through cultivating specific affinities, such as:

• An affinity of shared-values (e.g., dynamics where a sense of connectedness emerges from feeling understood without having to explain or justify a specific core value)
• An affinity through shared-histories (e.g., a dynamic where past adventures together are reminisced about as a way of strengthening an ongoing connection)
• An affinity of similar-yet-separate experiences (e.g., dynamics where a sense of connectedness emerges from feeling understood without having to explain or justify a specific type of lived experience - sometimes built from an initial sense of 'access intimacy')

Chemistry intimacies

Feelings can emerge when the sensations associated with inexplicable charm - a form of attraction experienced as being ‘drawn’ to someone inexplicably - persist beyond new relationship energy (NRE) to provides a sense of ongoing connection.

Care-giving intimacy

A sense of connection that can emerge when one person allows someone else to provide care for them. For example, a dynamic where there is space for each person to accept care from the other during periods of illness, or to accomodate disabilities.

Collaborative intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge through sharing a dedication to a common cause, through sharing responsibilities, collaborating on projects (including while navigating ways of relating while working together) and/or planning shared futures together.

Compatibility intimacies

Relates to the potential intersections across various relationship-element dimensions that provide a sense of togetherness or mutual appreciation by cultivating one or more of the relevant compatibility attractions and/or co-creating new forms of compatibility that emerge as the relationship develops.

Domestic intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge from doing personal-tasks in presence of others due to sharing space for extended periods of time and/or each being comfortable undertaking their personal tasks with the other person sharing the same space. (What tasks count as personal may vary, but might include anything otherwise done alone and so therefore carry a sense of vulnerability when witnessed - e.g., personal-grooming, house-cleaning tasks, etc.,). For instance, as might occur in relationships that include co-housing responsibilities. Compare with: functional intimacies.

Emotional intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge within a space that provides understanding, affirmation, and demonstration of caring support for expressions of vulnerability of any kind. Compare with: emotional attraction.

Erotic intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge from the intensity of sharing interactions that include a bidirectional sense of erotic or sexual arousal. Compare with: sexual attraction.

Familiarity intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge overtime spent sharing similar contexts

Forced intimacies

The opposite of 'access intimacy', forced intimacies can emerge when marginalised people are forced into relational dynamics they wouldn't otherwise have chosen with a given person. Often, these forced intimacies emerge from treating access as logistical interaction, rather than a vulnerable moment of interdependent human interaction.

While anyone with marginalised experiences can be forced into intimate situations, this form of intimacy has been most clearly articulated from the perspective of surviving in the world as a disabled person. As articulated by Mia Mingus (2017), forced intimacy, "refer to the common, daily experience of disabled people being expected to share personal parts of ourselves to survive in an ableist world". A non-exhaustive set of examples include: sustaining emotional intimacy with a family member who provides access support because society does not provide any reliable alternatives; accepting help with personal grooming and other intimate daily acts from in-home support workers (often people they wouldn't otherwise relate to); having to share intimate information with random employees at a service provider in order to access basic survival needs that most people take for granted; having to share access needs with event organisers to get basic accomodations required to participate in social activites that most people take for granted; aquaintences casually assuming they can provide access support without realizing the need to first build significant levels of trust and competency.

Functional intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge from engaging in functional acts of helping each other do personal tasks that would otherwise not be shared (such as helping with personal grooming while one person is injured) where asking for help with the task presupposes trust that the other person has enough knowledge of your ways of being to be useful for that task and/or sufficient trust in the continuity of the relationship through any transitions that the uncharacteristic interaction may initiate. This example, the capacity for this form vulnerability may emerge in relationships that include reciprocal support responsibilities. Compare with: domestic intimacies.

Habitual intimacies

Participating in shared habits that reinforce a sense of connection. Examples include the ways in which two people may participate in a particular set of activities together habitually - without any direct communication as to if/when/how those activities will happen. Examples include, participating in parallel 'nightime routines' in the same space at the same time; participating in the process of doing a familar set of tasks together where the division of labour has emerged from many prior experiences (such as each taking a habitual set of tasks when setting up a campsite, or cleaning up after a meal, or so on.)
While often overlapping with 'domestic intimacies', these can be independent of domestic contexts.

Intellectual intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge from the vulnerability of sharing a space to explore areas of intellectual uncertainty without judgment / capacity to discuss ideas and thoughts even when there is a difference in their opinions. Example dynamics include those where there is demonstrated capacity to engage with the other person's projects in ways, and those that allow discussion of a wide range of topics in ways that encourage each person to encounter the differing perspectives of the other in ways that seek to generate shared insights. Compare with: intellectual attraction

Kink intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge through the vulnerability of sharing particular non-normative sexual behaviours or engaging in sensual and/or erotic play that is intense/challenging.

Love as acts of intimacy

When treated as verb, love can be understood as a form of intimacy that emerges from intentional actions that demonstrate care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust (for example, see how this concept was articulated by bell hooks). This view highlights the variability of actions different people characterise as demonstrating love. To avoid the miscommunications that can arise from differing implicit expectations, it can be valuable to develop a shared understanding of the kinds of actions within a given relationships that can contribute to feelings of mutual commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. .

Image: Kimchi Cuddles Comic #388

Physical intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge from the vulnerability of giving and receiving physical touch. Physical touch is also often contributing to, and is used as an expression of, other forms of intimacy, for example:

• Affectionate touch: moments of physical contact that contribute to and express affection (hugs, cuddling, kisses, holding hands, etc.,)
• Communicative touch: moments of physical contact as a form of non-verbal communication that can arise from, and can be used to express other forms of intimacies (an example is being in a social gathering and brushing a hand across a partner’s back when passing so they know you’re nearby but don’t need their attention).
• Sensual touch: giving and receiving touch that elicits a sensual response, for example, a massage.
• Erotic touch: giving and receiving eroticised touch. For some people, erotic intimacy only emerges in relationships with an existing emotional intimacy and/or intellectual intimacy (demisexuality). For others it is the reverse - emotional/intellectual intimacies are more likely to emerge from the intimacy of erotic connections (megasexuality). Like all the other forms of intimacy, there are also people who have no desire for erotic intimacy at all (asexuality).

Professional intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge from the vulnerability of collegial relationship that involve giving and/or receive support for professional growth, for example through mentorship.

Recreational intimacy (shared activities and interests)

Feelings of connection that can emerges from the vulnerabilities experienced through doing activities together and/or interests jointly pursued. This may include engaging in activities/interests of one person's by helping-out and listening to these elements of the other’s life.

Romantic intimacies

An intimacy that may emerge with mutual expressions of 'romantic feelings' - a contentious concepts often associated with overwhelming feelings of vulnerability towards how someone feels towards you. (cf. 'romantic interest' as a form of attraction)

Triumph intimacies

Feelings of connection that can emerge through navigating specific problems together – including those that originate from elsewhere and require standing together, and those require standing up to each other to navigate differences along the way.

Next Steps

• Explore Forms of Reciprocity
• Return to Maintaining Connections
• Return to Introduction to Relationship Elements
• Return to the Overview of Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships
• Return to the List of Contents for Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships

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