Introduction to Relationship Elements

Relationship elements refer to the wide range of basic building blocks from which two or more people might choose to relate to each other. In intentional relationships, these elements are often considered to be independently variable options that can be chosen from multiple options within the relevant contexts.

This approach rejects those social norms that perpetuate implicit expectations that what counts as 'a Relationship' can be neatly distinguished from those relationships that are considered 'just' based on 'package-deal sets' of relationship elements. These assumptions can generate a lot of miscommunication.

Rather than accept the assumptions built into 'package deals' (such as 'Friends', 'Co-workers', 'Spouse'), an intentional approach to relationships involves actively interrogating these assumptions. One example of taking an intentional approach is to develop a practice of co-desining the collection of elements included in any given relationship (a process sometimes described as agreeing on which 'smorgasbord' options are agreeable for those sharing a given plate of food).

This approach to intentional relationships tends to involve explicitly discussing the unique collection of elements that foster ongoing connection in each relationship, and revisiting these as they change over time - both individually and collaboratively.

Individually: identifying the forms of potential connection experienced with someone, and specific elements in how you want to maintain and/or change those going forward (if at all).
Collaboratively: discussing specific relationship-elements with someone to identify which are present and/or possible in the relationships going forward.

Attempting to articulate the wide range of elements possible in relationships is likely futile. Instead, I have found value in describing a non-exhaustive set of example relationship elements to facilitate both individual reflection and iterative discussions.

Attraction/Interest

There are many ways to find someone attractive/interesting, each of which can prompt us to consider cultivating oppourtinties for formining one or more form of ongoing connection with another person. The various forms of attraction needn’t come as a package-deal, and expressing when, how, & why you’re interested in interacting with someone may help clarify which forms of connection to explore with them (if any). The variety of these can be illustrated by some descriptive examples - see more.

Connection

One way to take a more intentional approach to relating to others is to explicitly identify what relationship elements provide the basic building blocks from which two or more people choose to connect with each other. People can connect in a wide range of ways - see more.

Expectation Agreements

An expectation agreement functions as an explicit description of if/when/how a relationship incorporates various relationship elements such as availability and support expectations - see more

Structural Dynamics of a Relationship

The dynamics that exist within (or are wanted for) specific relationships structure other aspects of broader life. Describing these structures can help to identify if/when those dynamics need attention. Examples of different approaches to describing relationship structures that have emerged from co-designing a custom-built relationship include:
- see more