Expectations Agreements

In the context of discussing Relationship Elements, an expectation agreement is a type of meta-communication tool that functions as an explicit description of if/when/how a relationship incorporates various relationship elements.

Some examples are included to illustrate the range and context-specific value of expectation agreements.

Availability expectations

Some agreements function to clarify expectations about the how available each person is to the other in any given context. These contexts include when spending dedicated time together, when in social spaces, and when not in physical proximity. Some examples:

• establishing an understanding about the rhythm of a connection is needed to sustain the relationship in mutually valued ways (one way to described this is terms of the bandwidth & intensity capacity each person has for specific forms of contact and time spent together).
• establishing an asynchronous discussion within which there is an understanding that each person can message the other person at any time without expecting synchronicity of connection (a low-density for of contact that can be maintained with high frequency).
• establishing practices for asking for attention, such as starting a message with ‘Time-sensitive:’ if messaging something that requires the other person’s urgent attention (a high-density form of contact that might only be maintained at low frequency).
• establishing practices of ‘not responding to non-urgent messages’ while spending quality one-on-one time together (increasing the intensity element of the relationship).

Support expectations

Support is a relationship tool, and there are many ways to request support.

Some relationship agreements focus on articulating the forms of mutual support that each person wants from the other and has the capacity to provide. Articulating these can help establish ways in which the giving/receiving can be sustainable for all. Examples include:

• Agreements to providing mutual ongoing emotional and intellectual connections via asynchronous sharing of in-the-moment thoughts and/or making time for dedicated experiences together to reconnect periodically.
• Agreements to contribute to each other’s broader mutual support networks

Visibility expectations

Some agreements function to articulate the type of behaviours that each person takes to be indicators of being in a intimate relationship. This process can help negotiate which of these are appropriate in specific contexts (and more generally). Given that there is still stigma about non-exclusive relationships in many contexts, this process can also help to clarify the degree to which each person wants to be open about any of the specific intimacies and dynamics of their relationship in public.

Examples include:

• Establishing expectations around what behaviours are appropriate in specific social contexts, including expectations of arriving and/or leaving events together, the degree and type of public-displays-of-affection, whether there will be any expressions of established interdependencies, mutual support habits, or entanglements (such as one person paying for those within the relationship yet not others in the group, or making joint decisions regardless of what others are doing).
• Establishing expectations about whether specific elements of any given relationship are acknowledged by those in the relationship in specific social and/or public spaces.

Structure expectations

The possibilities available for structuring relationships are endless (see: Structural Dynamics.

When it comes to expectations about how any given relationship is to be structured, one questions to clarify is which agreements about the relationship will function as descriptive structures and which, if any, should be regarded as prescriptive structures.

This descriptive/prescritive difference is often about the goals of making agreements about the structure of the relationship. Some people seek terms that can help describe how a given relationship is structured at any given time so that each person can have a reasonable expectation that the other person will communicate if and when any agreements need to be modified. In contrast, prescribed structures function to articulate expectations that that both parties will abide by a given set of rules with the goal of maintain the structure of the relationship for the foreseeable future.

Interpersonal risk expectations

There are many approaches to navigating questions about how each person considers the consequences of their actions on others - especially when it comes to interpersonal risks

Questions of interpersonal risk almost always extend beyond the specific people in a given relationship. This situatedness of 1:1 relationships has been highlighted by the coronavirus, as the Hearth Communal House Quarantine Guideline illustrate well.

Next Steps

• Explore the relationship elements associated with Structural Dynamics.
• Return to relationship elements associated with Maintaining Connections
• Return to Introduction to Relationship Elements
• Return to the Overview of Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships
• Return to the List of Contents for Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships

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