Meta-Communication Tools

# Meta-Communication Tools Meta-communication tools offer one way to focus our attention on when, what, how, and why we are communicating within different relational configerations. For example, these tools can help clarify shared understandings about the content, form, and frequency of communication that each person can reasonably expect from another within a given context. As all relationships emerge within, and contribute to, broader relational networks there is a lot of pressures for us to unintentionally default to relating to each other through oppressive structures. One way to resist these pressures is by practising being more intentional about how we relate to each other. This includes how we relate within the one-to-one relationships we intentionally co-create; how we relate when participating in the co-creation of the communities we find ourselves in (as well as those we seek out); and how we relate to people we might not otherwise have chosen in our lives yet inevitably interact with within our broader contexts. For instance, there are a range of different approaches to navigating [inevitable conflicts](https://commonslibrary.org/conflict-is-inevitable-knowledge-roundup/) well within intimate relationships and as forms of community practice, many of which overlap in their philosophies. The first set of resources below focus on the subset of tools that can be useful when having [meta-conversations](https://www.dropbox.com/s/rp5qtlkxobcdwbs/Meta%20Conversations.pdf?dl=0) (talking about how to talk about a topic before actually talking about the topic). As the examples illustrate, this can include a range of difference practices depending on the context. Following this is a collection of existing resources highlighting related tools for individual reflection and group practices. ## Meta-conversations about when and how to talk about what An important aspect of meta-communication is the practice of taking a moment to pause and reflect prior to (and during) conversations with others. The following questions may help when relfecting on if/when/why/how to intiate (or continue) a discussion: - **Identify your communication goals**: - Do you just want to share and be heard? - Are you seeking sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration? - Are you trying to solve a problem and are seeking help or advice? - Are you wanting to negotiate a shared understanding of a given situation? - Are you wanting to communicate about a specific topic, or is there lots of different things you want to talk about? - **Identity the conversational topic(s) and which people you wish to discuss them with:** - Do you want to discuss these topics with a specific person (or with multiple specific people)? - How do the topics you want to discuss relate to the people you want to discuss them with? - **Identify your expectations about the process & outcome of each discussion:** - How do you expect the people you want to discuss this topic with to react? (e.g., with sympathy, or excited questions, or offers of problem-solving, etc.,). - How will you feel if someone reacts differently to what you expect? - Do you you have the energy to contextualise your perspective during the conversation, or do expect the others take responsibility for [educating themselves](https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/04/go-educate-themselves-complicated/) about unfamiliar concepts before and/or after the conversation? - Do you expect the conversation to include any topics that are distressing for you and/or others? (If so, what do expect of others in terms of after-care and/or do you have capacity to provide after-care to them or will they need to seek that elsewhere?) - What outcomes, if any, are you expecting as a result of this discussion? (e.g., an apology, changed behaviours, updated agreements, etc.,) An equally important aspect of meta-communication is the practice of creating space for others to taking a moment to pause and reflect prior to (and during) conversations with you. The following steps may help to crete space for others to relflect on if/when/why/how to engage (or continue) a discussion with you: - **Frame the conversational request and ask for consent:** - Indicate when you've a specific topic to discuss - State the conversational goal you identified during reflection (see above) - Ask for consent to outline the topic and, if given, provide a brief overview (including forewarnings for potential distressing content) - If there willingness to participate in a discussion of the proposed topic is indicated, evaluate everyone's capacity for continuing the discussion (if anyone doesn't have capacity, set a more suitable time). - **Evaluate capacity**: - At the agreed time, double-check that everyone has the available time, energy, and mental-space to give the conversation the appropriate level of attention. There are various tools for this, for instance see the [HALT+](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/218-ive-halted-now-what) technique for explicitly checking whether you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, irritable, excitable, drunk, distracted, and so on. - Clarify any expectations you have about the process and/or outcome of the conversation (see above). - If relevant, articulate your capacity for providing care, and make a specific request for any care you'd expect from others during/after the conversation - If anyone does not have capacity, set another time to have the conversation. - **Negotiate the conversational scene**: - Once the conversational goal has been articulated and consented to and all parties have indicated sufficient capacity, agree on the format of communication and if/what structured-discussion tools will be used (see example tools below). - **Talk about the topic** - See additional tools below ### Pre-emptive reflections prior to communication Tools for reflecting and communicating the perspectives we bring to each of our relationships (and our broader communities) can help us identify our boundaries, limits, and aspiratons that we need others to respect. Some example options are: - Discussing your respective values and which of these function as [shared values](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/values-calibration) - Reflecting on the contexts within which you relate to others, for example see the [Mapping a Field of Sensitivity Worksheet](https://www.coculturecommunication.com/artwork) for a set of reflection prompts designed by Leah Avene as reflection prompts to help strengthen our resistance practices. - Discussing your [identity markers](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships), [relationship philosophies](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/RelationshipPhilosophies), [personal relationship needs](https://www.patreon.com/posts/37305246) and [boundaries](https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/10/how-to-figure-out-what-boundaries-you-need/). - Writing up [personal interaction guides](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/SkAQJnn6U) for those times/contexts where the capacity to HALT and have meta-conversations may be compromised. - Exploring and discussing which [relationship elements](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/ElementsOverview) are present and/or wanted in different relational dynamics. - Using reflection tools to help understand your own perspective on a situation. There are enough of these to do a distinct resource set. For now, see the ['What Else is True' tool](https://www.deanspade.net/podcast/) for an example. ### Customising context-specific relational dynamics and communication protocols There are many tools that can help to pre-emptively create space within a relationship for more intentional conversations. This includes reflecting together to customise context-specific ways of relating. Examples include: - Cultivating relationship support-structures pre-emptively, for example see the [Pods and Pod Mapping Worksheet by Mia Mingus (2016)](https://batjc.wordpress.com/resources/pods-and-pod-mapping-worksheet/) on developing Conflict Resolution practices such as Accountability Pods and Support Pods > conflict resolution pods cultivate "the kind of relationship between people who would turn to each other for support around violent, harmful and abusive experiences, whether as survivors, bystanders or people who have harmed" (Mia Mingus (2016)) - Cultivating ways of listening and caring for each other in small groups, for examples see the set of [relational practices curated by the Intentional Society](https://www.intentionalsociety.org/resources/#relational-practices), including circling practices, authentic relating practices, inquiry spiraling practices, edge case practices, and retropsectives. - Creating [customised microscripts](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/CustomMicroscripts). These short-hand terms function to convey that all involved know the pattern of a given interaction and can acknowledge that pattern without going through the details of a particular interactions. - Articulating and calibrating expectations at the one-to-one level this might include an [expectations agreement](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Expectations) that includes guidelines on when/how each person can best initiate check-ins on existing agreements and discussions; - Articulating and calibrating expectations at the community-level, including -- conflict engagement practices, for example see Miki Kashtan's description of how [Flow, Decision-Making, and Conflict](https://thefearlessheart.org/flow-decision-making-and-conflict/) are related. -- accountability processes - for examples see the [Embassy Network](https://embassynetwork.com/locations/embassysf/accountablespace/), [Terran](https://www.terran.io/about), [Scuttlebutt](https://scuttlebutt.netlify.app/docs/code-of-conduct/) and the [Transformation Pod Syllabus](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A2YvkyF0HPJPeG9oqm8qgsqMJI314yTPKLh5PPzXzqo/edit#heading=h.6gdc9aaqt79m) being developed by the Alternative Justice Project -- risk-management protocols - for example, see the [Hearth Communal House Quarantine Guideline](https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/1zfUn1UDQhGAQWHXm_ImBzu2acmUJXwkwt-F1U-URd50/mobilebasic). ## More Tools for Reflection & Conversation A sample of existing resources for helping to initiate and facilitate conversations on specific topics: ### Context for the value of more intentional communication for navigating conflict well - The [Conflict is Inevitable Knowledge Round Up](https://commonslibrary.org/conflict-is-inevitable-knowledge-roundup/) by Alternative Justice, Gastivists, Global Grassroots Support Network GGSN, Kenzie Harris, RadHR. - [Pathways to Repair: Guides to Navigate Healing, Trust building and Human Messiness](https://commonslibrary.org/pathways-to-repair-guides-to-navigate-healing-trust-building-and-human-messiness/) By Dinner Party Labs (The), Faith Matters Network, Rural Assembly - For some reflections on when/how to call-out the harmful actions of others within communities, see: [*We Will Not Cancel Us*](https://commonslibrary.org/book-review-we-will-not-cancel-us/), by adrianne marie brown 2020 - [Transformative Approaches to Conflict Resolution](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/HyswG0jnd) includes a list of resources for Community Accountability Processes - [*How to talk through conflict* an episode from "Big Ideas" on ABC radio, Dec 2021](https://abclisten.page.link/yTQ7B2YUcTLYpaqU7) ### Tips for individual reflection - A [Relationships Skills Checklist](https://solopoly.net/2014/10/04/relationship-skills-a-checklist/) by Amy Gahran (2014) - A [List of Questions for Everyone](https://medium.com/@Autumn_Elizabeth/relationship-questions-for-any-relationship-17855971d9f8) by Autumn Elizabeth (2018) - Differentiating between [Needs, Desires, Boundaries, and More](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/372-needs-desires-boundaries-and-more) - [Ways to Request Support](https://medium.com/@Autumn_Elizabeth/ways-to-request-support-f8fa17b4f5bc), by Autumn Elizabeth (2019) - Routes of Safety Model, an [article Gabrielle Smith (2020)](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/routes-of-safety-model#What-are-the-Routes-of-Safety,-and-how-can-they-aid-relationships) based on an [Instagram post by Jake Ernst (2020)](https://www.instagram.com/p/B-LVMDUDp6U/) - Tips for saying [I don't like what you're doing](https://youtu.be/qsURIUG5Nl0) - Conner & Brittany (2020) - [The 'Fuck Yes or No' approach](https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes?) by Mark Manson (nd) ### Tools for one-to-one conversations - Relationship smörgåsbord discussions, for example of potential smörgåsbord options see [Maxx Hill's smörgåsbord tool, version-5](https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10205963246316687&set=a.1011109094424&type=3&theater&refid=18) - Recognising and acknowledging ['bids for connection'](https://toddbaratz.substack.com/p/rejecting-bids-for-connection-will?r=dmlqm&triedRedirect=true). For a discussion on how to recognise that when someone makes an ask for a specific form interaction there is value in responding in ways that acknowledge the bid for connection even if not agreeing to the specific form of interaction, see [Communication Hacks: Remastered](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/480-communication-hacks-remastered) - A guide to conducting a [Relationship RADAR](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YI_PfRLb7c) by [Multiamory](https://www.multiamory.com/) (2017) and [RADAR Troubleshooting](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/315-radar-troubleshooting) (2021) - (also see the [Relationship SCRUM](https://medium.com/@alanna.irving/running-agile-scrum-on-our-relationship-9b2085c5d747) by Alanna Irving (2016) that inspired the RADAR approach). For an example template, see [Relationships R.A.D.A.R.S](/Qk31ISF2TQqpINBf5VFH2A) - [Consent Cards](https://www.curiouscreatures.biz/consentcards.html) and ['two-minute game'](https://www.curiouscreatures.biz/undoing-shame-with-the-two-minute-game.html) by Curious Creatures (c.2013). (Related tools include the [Wheel of Consent](https://bettymartin.org/videos/) and ['three-minute game'](https://bettymartin.org/download-wheel/) by Betty Martin and [somatic consent maps](https://somaticconsent.com/free-material/) by Matthias Schwenteck). - A [Kink Negotiation Guide](https://xcbdsm.com/educational-offerings/handouts-and-resources/qr/) by X|C|BDSM (2010) - [Five ways to have better conversations about sex](https://www.artofthehookup.com/use-your-words-5-ways-to-have-better-conversations-about-sex/) by Georgia Wolf (2018) - [How to have a D/s check-in meeting](https://saltyworld.net/how-to-have-a-d-s-check-in-meeting/) ### Tools for communication within small groups - [Feedback, Conflict, & De-escalation Acronyms & Support Sheet](https://outtherecommunication.net/blog/feedback-conflict-deescalation-acronyms) by Laila R. Makled at [out there communication](https://outtherecommunication.net/). - [A set of discussion prompts for exploring a potential intentional collaboration](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/IntentionalCollaborations1) - The [Working with Conflict in our Groups: A Guide for Grassroots Activists](https://commonslibrary.org/why-conflict-happens-in-social-change-groups/) by European Youth For Action, Seeds for Change, and Navigate, offers a range of different tools and techniques, including techniques for [taking effective action to deal with conflict in your group](https://commonslibrary.org/taking-effective-action-to-deal-with-conflict-in-your-group/). - The [conflict resolution worksheet](https://github.com/valueflows/valueflows/files/371994/AORTA.Conflict.Resolution.Worksheet.pdf) designed as a preventative tool by AORTA (Anti-Oppression Resource and Training Alliance), based on worksheets originally created by the Arizmendi Worker Co-op. - [Guide to running an Anachist Feelz Circle](http://emotionalanarchism.com/how-to-form-a-radical-feelz-circle/) by Emmi 2018, also see Emmi's [2019 retrospective](http://emotionalanarchism.com/anarchist-feelz-circle-retrospective/) of running a Feelz Circle within a community of activists. - [AltJustice Handbook](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ANtmGiJCeekY9uqHnXL423D1PZBdeGOTHGJHV0s1d9c/edit?usp=sharing) a set of resources to empower communities to build their own processes around harm prevention & harm responsiveness - The resource set on [Participatory Governance Statements for Distributed Leadership Practices](/zeoSU-59Rpm6USRPwx38Lw) includes a list of example agreements for decentralised governance/decision-making structures ### Tools for communicating within our broader communities - [Teaching students to value platonic relationships](https://www.teachingoutsidethebinary.com/blog/teach-students-to-value-platonic-relationships) by Ace Schwarz (2019) - [Mediation for Movements: Managing Intra-Movement Conflict](https://commonslibrary.org/intermestic-mediation-for-movements/) by Democracy Resource Hub, Global Grassroots Support Network GGSN, Horizons Project - For practices for facilitating different kinds of dialogues for navigating workplace relationships, see [*Moose Heads on the Table* (202) by Karin Tenelius and Lisa Gill](https://www.scribd.com/book/484241793/Moose-Heads-on-the-Table) - includes the 'notice the pebbles' anaology for airing potential tensions before they become sources of conflict. - [Aligning our systems of collaboration with our purpose and values](https://efficientcollaboration.org/aligning-systems-with-purpose-and-values/) - [Creating Safer Spaces](https://actionskills.au/resources/safer-spaces/) resource list by Action Skills - Tips for navigating [Conflict within Cooperatives](https://www.uk.coop/resources/conflict-co-operation) by Cooperatives-UK. ### General Communication Tools - Collaboration resources by [Seeds for Change](https://www.seedsforchange.org.uk/resources), including an [Active Listening guide](https://www.seedsforchange.org.uk/activelistening), an [Anarchic Agreement guide](https://www.seedsforchange.org.uk/anarchic_agreements) and many more. - Conflict Resilience Resources by the [Transition Town Network](https://transitionnetwork.org/do-transition/inner/conflict-resilience-resources/) ## Attribution & Contact Date created: 2020 as part of a set of [Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Overview) Version: 4.0 (2024) See [attribution notes and contact details](/hiL09et4RMebuQWFyTN7uQ) <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/"><img alt="Creative Commons License" style="border-width:0" src="https://i.creativecommons.org/l/by-nc-sa/4.0/88x31.png" /></a> [CC BY-NC-SA](http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/)