Try   HackMD

Meta-Communication Tools

Meta-communication tools offer one way to focus our attention on when, what, how, and why we are communicating within different relational configerations. For example, these tools can help clarify shared understandings about the content, form, and frequency of communication that each person can reasonably expect from another within a given context.

As all relationships emerge within, and contribute to, broader relational networks there is a lot of pressures for us to unintentionally default to relating to each other through oppressive structures. One way to resist these pressures is by practising being more intentional about how we relate to each other.

This includes how we relate within the one-to-one relationships we intentionally co-create; how we relate when participating in the co-creation of the communities we find ourselves in (as well as those we seek out); and how we relate to people we might not otherwise have chosen in our lives yet inevitably interact with within our broader contexts. For instance, there are a range of different approaches to navigating inevitable conflicts well within intimate relationships and as forms of community practice, many of which overlap in their philosophies.

The first set of resources below focus on the subset of tools that can be useful when having meta-conversations (talking about how to talk about a topic before actually talking about the topic). As the examples illustrate, this can include a range of difference practices depending on the context. Following this is a collection of existing resources highlighting related tools for individual reflection and group practices.

Meta-conversations about when and how to talk about what

An important aspect of meta-communication is the practice of taking a moment to pause and reflect prior to (and during) conversations with others. The following questions may help when relfecting on if/when/why/how to intiate (or continue) a discussion:

  • Identify your communication goals:
    • Do you just want to share and be heard?
    • Are you seeking sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration?
    • Are you trying to solve a problem and are seeking help or advice?
    • Are you wanting to negotiate a shared understanding of a given situation?
    • Are you wanting to communicate about a specific topic, or is there lots of different things you want to talk about?
  • Identity the conversational topic(s) and which people you wish to discuss them with:
    • Do you want to discuss these topics with a specific person (or with multiple specific people)?
    • How do the topics you want to discuss relate to the people you want to discuss them with?
  • Identify your expectations about the process & outcome of each discussion:
    • How do you expect the people you want to discuss this topic with to react? (e.g., with sympathy, or excited questions, or offers of problem-solving, etc.,).
    • How will you feel if someone reacts differently to what you expect?
    • Do you you have the energy to contextualise your perspective during the conversation, or do expect the others take responsibility for educating themselves about unfamiliar concepts before and/or after the conversation?
    • Do you expect the conversation to include any topics that are distressing for you and/or others? (If so, what do expect of others in terms of after-care and/or do you have capacity to provide after-care to them or will they need to seek that elsewhere?)
    • What outcomes, if any, are you expecting as a result of this discussion? (e.g., an apology, changed behaviours, updated agreements, etc.,)

An equally important aspect of meta-communication is the practice of creating space for others to taking a moment to pause and reflect prior to (and during) conversations with you. The following steps may help to crete space for others to relflect on if/when/why/how to engage (or continue) a discussion with you:

  • Frame the conversational request and ask for consent:
    • Indicate when you've a specific topic to discuss
    • State the conversational goal you identified during reflection (see above)
    • Ask for consent to outline the topic and, if given, provide a brief overview (including forewarnings for potential distressing content)
    • If there willingness to participate in a discussion of the proposed topic is indicated, evaluate everyone's capacity for continuing the discussion (if anyone doesn't have capacity, set a more suitable time).
  • Evaluate capacity:
    • At the agreed time, double-check that everyone has the available time, energy, and mental-space to give the conversation the appropriate level of attention. There are various tools for this, for instance see the HALT+ technique for explicitly checking whether you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, irritable, excitable, drunk, distracted, and so on.
    • Clarify any expectations you have about the process and/or outcome of the conversation (see above).
    • If relevant, articulate your capacity for providing care, and make a specific request for any care you'd expect from others during/after the conversation
    • If anyone does not have capacity, set another time to have the conversation.
  • Negotiate the conversational scene:
    • Once the conversational goal has been articulated and consented to and all parties have indicated sufficient capacity, agree on the format of communication and if/what structured-discussion tools will be used (see example tools below).
  • Talk about the topic
    • See additional tools below

Pre-emptive reflections prior to communication

Tools for reflecting and communicating the perspectives we bring to each of our relationships (and our broader communities) can help us identify our boundaries, limits, and aspiratons that we need others to respect. Some example options are:

Customising context-specific relational dynamics and communication protocols

There are many tools that can help to pre-emptively create space within a relationship for more intentional conversations. This includes reflecting together to customise context-specific ways of relating. Examples include:

conflict resolution pods cultivate "the kind of relationship between people who would turn to each other for support around violent, harmful and abusive experiences, whether as survivors, bystanders or people who have harmed" (Mia Mingus (2016))

  • Cultivating ways of listening and caring for each other in small groups, for examples see the set of relational practices curated by the Intentional Society, including circling practices, authentic relating practices, inquiry spiraling practices, edge case practices, and retropsectives.
  • Creating customised microscripts. These short-hand terms function to convey that all involved know the pattern of a given interaction and can acknowledge that pattern without going through the details of a particular interactions.
  • Articulating and calibrating expectations at the one-to-one level this might include an expectations agreement that includes guidelines on when/how each person can best initiate check-ins on existing agreements and discussions;
  • Articulating and calibrating expectations at the community-level, including – conflict engagement practices, for example see Miki Kashtan's description of how Flow, Decision-Making, and Conflict are related. – accountability processes - for examples see the Embassy Network, Terran, Scuttlebutt and the Transformation Pod Syllabus being developed by the Alternative Justice Project – risk-management protocols - for example, see the Hearth Communal House Quarantine Guideline.

More Tools for Reflection & Conversation

A sample of existing resources for helping to initiate and facilitate conversations on specific topics:

Context for the value of more intentional communication for navigating conflict well

Tips for individual reflection

Tools for one-to-one conversations

Tools for communication within small groups

Tools for communicating within our broader communities

General Communication Tools

Attribution & Contact

Date created: 2020 as part of a set of Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships Version: 4.0 (2024)
See attribution notes and contact details

Image Not Showing Possible Reasons
  • The image file may be corrupted
  • The server hosting the image is unavailable
  • The image path is incorrect
  • The image format is not supported
Learn More →
CC BY-NC-SA

Last changed by 
 
Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships
Resources developed by people co-creating intentional relationships.
0
1864

Read more

Forms of Intimacy

In the context of discussing Relationship Elements, intimacy is taken to mean feelings of connection and understanding formed through knowledge and experience of the other. There are many different forms of intimacies but, in the context of intentional relationship elements, the following focuses on those forms of intimacy that emerge through openness, vulnerability, dialogue, transparency, and reciprocity.

Jan 5, 2025
Identifying Attraction (initial interest)

In the context of discussing Relationship Elements the following examples are provided to highlight that there a wide range of different ways to experience initial interest (attraction) in someone and how this may lead to cultivating an ongoing relationship with someone.

Dec 31, 2024
Additional Resources for Intentional Relationships

This space is for highlighting the broader body of knowledge from which I link to specific relevant resources in the Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships. Note that, while recommended to aid others in the exploration of their own views, these resources do not always reflect my own.

Dec 31, 2024
Ways of Relating while Working Together

The ways we relate with people with whom we work is often positioned as distinct from the forms of relationships outside of work contexts. In the context of this Tools for Intentional Relationships resource set, work can be understood as any form of purposeful activity that contributes to a specific output/goal, such as ‘making something together’. As such, the range of possible ways of working together include everything from the ways we relate to those we happen to find ourselves working with (e.g., coworkers in larger organisations) to the variously deeply intimate collaborations that can be co-created with those we choose to work with.

Jul 24, 2024
Read more from Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships
Published on HackMD