# Meta-Communication Tools

Contents:
* [What are meta-communication tools and why use them?](https://hackmd.io/GXCS2a0hTNO1mMtdUN3kdw?view#What-are-Meta-communication-tools-and-why-use-them)
* [Identifying when and how to talk about what (with who)](https://hackmd.io/GXCS2a0hTNO1mMtdUN3kdw?view#Identifying-when-and-how-to-talk-about-what-with-who)
* [Using meta-conversations to ask someone to participate in a discussion](https://hackmd.io/GXCS2a0hTNO1mMtdUN3kdw?view#Using-meta-conversations-to-ask-someone-to-participate-in-a-discussion)
* [Meta-communication as a relational practice](https://hackmd.io/GXCS2a0hTNO1mMtdUN3kdw?view#Meta-communication-as-a-relational-practice)
* [Links to a range of context-specific meta-communication tools](https://hackmd.io/GXCS2a0hTNO1mMtdUN3kdw?view#Links-to-a-range-of-context-specific-meta-communication-tools)

## What are meta-communication tools and why use them?
Meta-communication tools offer one way to focus our attention on when, what, how, and why we are communicating within different relational configerations. For example, we can use a [meta-conversation](https://www.dropbox.com/s/rp5qtlkxobcdwbs/Meta%20Conversations.pdf?dl=0) to talking about if, when, and how we can talk to somone about a topic before actually talking about the topic. There are also a range of other tools that can be used to help clarify shared understandings about the content, form, and frequency of communication that each person can reasonably expect from another within a given context.

As all relationships emerge within, and contribute to, broader relational networks there is a lot of pressures for us to unintentionally default to relating to each other through oppressive structures. One way to resist these pressures is by practising being more intentional about how we relate to each other.

This includes how we relate within the one-to-one relationships we intentionally co-create; how we relate when participating in the co-creation of the communities we find ourselves in (as well as those we seek out); and how we relate to people we might not otherwise have chosen in our lives yet inevitably interact with within our broader contexts. For instance, there are a range of different approaches to navigating [inevitable conflicts](https://commonslibrary.org/conflict-is-inevitable-knowledge-roundup/) well within intimate relationships and as forms of community practice, many of which overlap in their philosophies.

The are a range of difference practices that support clear and caring communication practices, which is most appropriate for a given situation will depend on the context. The following examples and linked-resources highlight a collection of reflection and meta-conversation tools to support 1:1 communication and communication within small groups.

## Identifying when and how to talk about what (with who)
An important aspect of meta-communication is the practice of taking a moment to pause and reflect prior to (and during) conversations with others. The following questions may help when reflecting on if/when/why/how to intiate (or continue) a discussion:
- **Identify your communication goals**:
- Do you just want to share and be heard?
- Are you seeking sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration?
- Are you trying to solve a problem and are seeking help or advice?
- Are you wanting to reflect on a disagreement or conflict you're involved in with someone?
- Are you wanting to resolve a feeling of tension you have with someone?
- Are you wanting to navigate a conflict you're experiencing with someone?
- Are you wanting to repair following a feeling of rupture in one of your relationships?
- Are you wanting to negotiate a shared understanding of what can be learned from a moment of conflict?
- **Reflect on the your perspective of the conversational topic(s):**
- Are you wanting to discuss a specific topic or situation?
- If there lots of different topics/situations you want to talk about, is there a theme or pattern connecting them?
- What feelings do you associate with the topics you want to discuss (curiosity, hurt, anger, etc.,)?
- Consisder using tools for reflecting on the perspectives we bring to each of our relationships (and our broader communities) that help you identify our boundaries, limits, and aspirations that we need others to respect. There are enough of these to do a distinct resource set. For now, see the ['What Else is True' tool](https://www.deanspade.net/podcast/) for an example.
- **Identify which people you want to discuss this topic with:**
- Do you want to discuss these topics directly with a specific person (or with multiple specific people)?
- How do the topics you want to discuss relate to the people you want to discuss them with?
- Are will the people you want to talk with be impacted by the topic you want to talk about?
- Woud having someone [mediate](https://www.tangledwilderness.org/features/pocket-guide-to-conflict-mediation) the conversation be appropriate?
- **Identify your expectations about the process & outcome of a potential discussion:**
- How do you expect the people you want to discuss this topic with to react? (e.g., with excited questions, offers of problem-solving, an acknowledgement of your feelings, etc.,).
- How will you feel if someone reacts differently to what you expect? (e.g., will you feel hurt if you expect sympathy and they jump to solutions?)
- Do you you have energy to contextualise your perspective during the conversation, or do expect the others to take responsibility for [educating themselves](https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/04/go-educate-themselves-complicated/) about unfamiliar concepts before and/or after the conversation?
- Do you expect the conversation to include any topics that are distressing for you and/or others? (If so, what do expect of others in terms of after-care and/or do you have capacity to provide after-care to them or will they need to seek that elsewhere?)
- What outcomes, if any, are you expecting as a result of this discussion? (e.g., feeling heard, [an apology](https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/), changed behaviours, updated agreements, etc.,)

## Using meta-conversations to ask someone to participate in a discussion
An equally important aspect of meta-communication is the practice of creating space for others to take a moment to pause and reflect prior to (and during) conversations with you. The following steps may help to create space for others to relflect on if/when/why/how to engage (or continue) a discussion with you:
- **Frame the conversational request and ask for consent:**
- Indicate when you've a specific topic to discuss
- State the conversational goal you identified during reflection (see above)
- Ask for consent to outline the topic and, if given, provide a brief overview (including forewarnings for potential distressing content)
- If there willingness to participate in a discussion of the proposed topic is indicated, evaluate everyone's capacity for continuing the discussion (if anyone doesn't have capacity, set a more suitable time).
- **Evaluate capacity**:
- At the agreed time, double-check that everyone has the available time, energy, and mental-space to give the conversation the appropriate level of attention. There are various tools for this, for instance see the [HALT+](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/218-ive-halted-now-what) technique for explicitly checking whether you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, irritable, excitable, drunk, distracted, and so on.
- Clarify any expectations you have about the process and/or outcome of the conversation (see above).
- If relevant, articulate your capacity for providing care, and make a specific request for any care you'd expect from others during/after the conversation
- If anyone does not have capacity, set another time to have the conversation.
- **Negotiate the conversational scene**:
- Once the conversational goal has been articulated and consented to and all parties have indicated sufficient capacity, agree on the format of communication and if/what structured-discussion tools will be used (see example tools below).
- **Talk about the topic**
- See additional tools below

## Meta-communication as a relational practice
While meta-convesations can be used as the need arises, they can be especially beneficial when incorperated into an ongoing practice of meta-communication within ongoing relationships.

### Pre-emptively creating infrastructure for meta-communication practices within specific relationships
The practice of pre-emptively creating a shared understanding of how you relate with specific people can help to establish a foundation from which to communicate with care and generosity when conflicts inevitably arise.
Some examples of pre-emptive meta-communication practices include:
- Reflecting on the contexts within which you relate to others, for example see the [Mapping a Field of Sensitivity Worksheet](https://www.coculturecommunication.com/artwork) for a set of reflection prompts designed by Leah Avene as reflection prompts to help strengthen our resistance practices.
- Discussing your respective values and, where relevant, which of these you want to cultivate as [shared values](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/values-calibration)
- Discussing your [identity markers](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships), [relationship philosophies](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/RelationshipPhilosophies), [personal relationship needs](https://www.patreon.com/posts/37305246) and [boundaries](https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/10/how-to-figure-out-what-boundaries-you-need/).
- Writing up [personal interaction guides](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/SkAQJnn6U) for those times/contexts where the capacity to HALT and have meta-conversations may be compromised.
- Exploring and discussing which [relationship elements](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/ElementsOverview) are present and/or wanted in different relational dynamics.
- Recognising your own trauma responses and communicating with care. There are lots of tools listed below that can help with this, and the appropriatenes of each depends on the context. For one example of how context matters, see this guideline on how to [decolonise 'non-violent communication' tools](https://co-conspirator.press/Decolonizing-Non-Violent-Communication)

### Customising context-specific communication protocols within your network of ongoing relationships
There are many tools that can help to pre-emptively create space within a relationship for more intentional conversations. This includes reflecting together to customise context-specific ways of relating. Examples include:
- Cultivating relationship support-structures pre-emptively, for example see the [Pods and Pod Mapping Worksheet by Mia Mingus (2016)](https://batjc.wordpress.com/resources/pods-and-pod-mapping-worksheet/) on developing Conflict Resolution practices such as Accountability Pods and Support Pods
> conflict resolution pods cultivate "the kind of relationship between people who would turn to each other for support around violent, harmful and abusive experiences, whether as survivors, bystanders or people who have harmed" (Mia Mingus (2016))
- Cultivating ways of listening and caring for each other in small groups, for examples see the set of [relational practices curated by the Intentional Society](https://www.intentionalsociety.org/resources/#relational-practices), including circling practices, authentic relating practices, inquiry spiraling practices, edge case practices, and retropsectives.
- Creating [customised microscripts](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/CustomMicroscripts). These short-hand terms function to convey that all involved know the pattern of a given interaction and can acknowledge that pattern without going through the details of a particular interactions.
- Articulating and calibrating expectations at the one-to-one level this might include an [expectations agreement](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Expectations) that includes guidelines on when/how each person can best initiate check-ins on existing agreements and discussions;
- Articulating and calibrating expectations at the community-level, including
-- conflict engagement practices, for example see Miki Kashtan's description of how [Flow, Decision-Making, and Conflict](https://thefearlessheart.org/flow-decision-making-and-conflict/) are related.
-- building conflict infrastructure for collective practices, for example practicing [determining when and why to ask for mediation (and when and why not to)](https://www.tangledwilderness.org/features/pocket-guide-to-conflict-mediation)
-- accountability processes - for examples see the [Embassy Network](https://embassynetwork.com/locations/embassysf/accountablespace/), [Terran](https://www.terran.io/about), [Scuttlebutt](https://scuttlebutt.netlify.app/docs/code-of-conduct/) and the [Transformation Pod Syllabus](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A2YvkyF0HPJPeG9oqm8qgsqMJI314yTPKLh5PPzXzqo/edit#heading=h.6gdc9aaqt79m) being developed by the Alternative Justice Project
-- risk-management protocols - for example, see the [Hearth Communal House Quarantine Guideline](https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/1zfUn1UDQhGAQWHXm_ImBzu2acmUJXwkwt-F1U-URd50/mobilebasic).

## Links to a range of context-specific meta-communication tools
A sample of existing resources for helping to initiate and facilitate conversations on specific topics

### Context for the value of more intentional communication for navigating conflict well
- The [Conflict is Inevitable Knowledge Round Up](https://commonslibrary.org/conflict-is-inevitable-knowledge-roundup/) by Alternative Justice, Gastivists, Global Grassroots Support Network GGSN, Kenzie Harris, RadHR.
- [Pathways to Repair: Guides to Navigate Healing, Trust building and Human Messiness](https://commonslibrary.org/pathways-to-repair-guides-to-navigate-healing-trust-building-and-human-messiness/) By Dinner Party Labs (The), Faith Matters Network, Rural Assembly
- For some reflections on when/how to call-out the harmful actions of others within communities, see: [*We Will Not Cancel Us*](https://commonslibrary.org/book-review-we-will-not-cancel-us/), by adrianne marie brown 2020
- [Transformative Approaches to Conflict Resolution](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/HyswG0jnd) includes a list of resources for Community Accountability Processes
- [*How to talk through conflict* an episode from "Big Ideas" on ABC radio, Dec 2021](https://abclisten.page.link/yTQ7B2YUcTLYpaqU7)
- [Casandra on "Pocket Guide to Conflict Mediation"](https://live-like-the-world-is-dying.pinecast.co/episode/bec00107/casandra-on-pocket-guide-to-conflict-mediation-) on the 'Live Like the World is Dying' Podcast, 2025.

### Tips for individual reflection
- A [Relationships Skills Checklist](https://solopoly.net/2014/10/04/relationship-skills-a-checklist/) by Amy Gahran (2014)
- A [List of Questions for Everyone](https://medium.com/@Autumn_Elizabeth/relationship-questions-for-any-relationship-17855971d9f8) by Autumn Elizabeth (2018)
- Differentiating between [Needs, Desires, Boundaries, and More](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/372-needs-desires-boundaries-and-more)
- [Ways to Request Support](https://medium.com/@Autumn_Elizabeth/ways-to-request-support-f8fa17b4f5bc), by Autumn Elizabeth (2019)
- Routes of Safety Model, an [article Gabrielle Smith (2020)](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/routes-of-safety-model#What-are-the-Routes-of-Safety,-and-how-can-they-aid-relationships) based on an [Instagram post by Jake Ernst (2020)](https://www.instagram.com/p/B-LVMDUDp6U/)
- Tips for saying [I don't like what you're doing](https://youtu.be/qsURIUG5Nl0) - Conner & Brittany (2020)
- [The 'Fuck Yes or No' approach](https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes?) by Mark Manson (nd)

### Tools for one-to-one conversations
- Guide to [how to give a good apology](https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/) by Mia Mingus, 2019
- Relationship smörgåsbord discussions, for example of potential smörgåsbord options see [Maxx Hill's smörgåsbord tool, version-5](https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10205963246316687&set=a.1011109094424&type=3&theater&refid=18)
- Recognising and acknowledging ['bids for connection'](https://toddbaratz.substack.com/p/rejecting-bids-for-connection-will?r=dmlqm&triedRedirect=true). For a discussion on how to recognise that when someone makes an ask for a specific form interaction there is value in responding in ways that acknowledge the bid for connection even if not agreeing to the specific form of interaction, see [Communication Hacks: Remastered](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/480-communication-hacks-remastered)
- A guide to conducting a [Relationship RADAR](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YI_PfRLb7c) by [Multiamory](https://www.multiamory.com/) (2017) and [RADAR Troubleshooting](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/315-radar-troubleshooting) (2021) - (also see the [Relationship SCRUM](https://medium.com/@alanna.irving/running-agile-scrum-on-our-relationship-9b2085c5d747) by Alanna Irving (2016) that inspired the RADAR approach). For an example template, see [Relationships R.A.D.A.R.S](/Qk31ISF2TQqpINBf5VFH2A)
- [Consent Cards](https://www.curiouscreatures.biz/consentcards.html) and ['two-minute game'](https://www.curiouscreatures.biz/undoing-shame-with-the-two-minute-game.html) by Curious Creatures (c.2013). (Related tools include the [Wheel of Consent](https://bettymartin.org/videos/) and ['three-minute game'](https://bettymartin.org/download-wheel/) by Betty Martin and [somatic consent maps](https://somaticconsent.com/free-material/) by Matthias Schwenteck).
- A [Kink Negotiation Guide](https://xcbdsm.com/educational-offerings/handouts-and-resources/qr/) by X|C|BDSM (2010)
- [Five ways to have better conversations about sex](https://www.artofthehookup.com/use-your-words-5-ways-to-have-better-conversations-about-sex/) by Georgia Wolf (2018)
- [How to have a D/s check-in meeting](https://saltyworld.net/how-to-have-a-d-s-check-in-meeting/)

### Tools for communication within small groups
- [Feedback, Conflict, & De-escalation Acronyms & Support Sheet](https://outtherecommunication.net/blog/feedback-conflict-deescalation-acronyms) by Laila R. Makled at [out there communication](https://outtherecommunication.net/).
- [A set of discussion prompts for exploring a potential intentional collaboration](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/IntentionalCollaborations1)
- The [Working with Conflict in our Groups: A Guide for Grassroots Activists](https://commonslibrary.org/why-conflict-happens-in-social-change-groups/) by European Youth For Action, Seeds for Change, and Navigate, offers a range of different tools and techniques, including techniques for [taking effective action to deal with conflict in your group](https://commonslibrary.org/taking-effective-action-to-deal-with-conflict-in-your-group/).
- The [conflict resolution worksheet](https://github.com/valueflows/valueflows/files/371994/AORTA.Conflict.Resolution.Worksheet.pdf) designed as a preventative tool by AORTA (Anti-Oppression Resource and Training Alliance), based on worksheets originally created by the Arizmendi Worker Co-op.
- A [Pocket guide to conflict mediation](https://www.tangledwilderness.org/features/pocket-guide-to-conflict-mediation) by Strangers in a Tangled Wilderness Collective, 2025
- [Guide to running an Anachist Feelz Circle](http://emotionalanarchism.com/how-to-form-a-radical-feelz-circle/) by Emmi 2018, also see Emmi's [2019 retrospective](http://emotionalanarchism.com/anarchist-feelz-circle-retrospective/) of running a Feelz Circle within a community of activists.
- [AltJustice Handbook](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ANtmGiJCeekY9uqHnXL423D1PZBdeGOTHGJHV0s1d9c/edit?usp=sharing) a set of resources to empower communities to build their own processes around harm prevention & harm responsiveness
- The resource set on [Participatory Governance Statements for Distributed Leadership Practices](/zeoSU-59Rpm6USRPwx38Lw) includes a list of example agreements for decentralised governance/decision-making structures

### Tools for communicating within our broader communities
- [Teaching students to value platonic relationships](https://www.teachingoutsidethebinary.com/blog/teach-students-to-value-platonic-relationships) by Ace Schwarz (2019)
- [Mediation for Movements: Managing Intra-Movement Conflict](https://commonslibrary.org/intermestic-mediation-for-movements/) by Democracy Resource Hub, Global Grassroots Support Network GGSN, Horizons Project
- For practices for facilitating different kinds of dialogues for navigating workplace relationships, see [*Moose Heads on the Table* (202) by Karin Tenelius and Lisa Gill](https://www.scribd.com/book/484241793/Moose-Heads-on-the-Table) - includes the 'notice the pebbles' anaology for airing potential tensions before they become sources of conflict.
- [Aligning our systems of collaboration with our purpose and values](https://efficientcollaboration.org/aligning-systems-with-purpose-and-values/)
- [Creating Safer Spaces](https://actionskills.au/resources/safer-spaces/) resource list by Action Skills
- Tips for navigating [Conflict within Cooperatives](https://www.uk.coop/resources/conflict-co-operation) by Cooperatives-UK.

### General Communication Tools
- Collaboration resources by [Seeds for Change](https://www.seedsforchange.org.uk/resources), including an [Active Listening guide](https://www.seedsforchange.org.uk/activelistening), an [Anarchic Agreement guide](https://www.seedsforchange.org.uk/anarchic_agreements) and many more.
- Conflict Resilience Resources by the [Transition Town Network](https://transitionnetwork.org/do-transition/inner/conflict-resilience-resources/)

## Attribution & Contact
Date created: 2020 as part of a set of [Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Overview)
Version: 4.1 (2025)
See [attribution notes and contact details](/hiL09et4RMebuQWFyTN7uQ)
<a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/"><img alt="Creative Commons License" style="border-width:0" src="https://i.creativecommons.org/l/by-nc-sa/4.0/88x31.png" /></a> [CC BY-NC-SA](http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/)