HackMDA letter on personal preferences and expectations for relationships (Example)
A copy of private correspondence, shared with permission as an example of a context-specific personal interaction guide
As a continuation of our unavoidably awkward discussions, I have listed some of the expectations with which I operate (where all expectations of others are considered to be held equally for myself).
This is not a list based on how we interact – indeed, some points are not even relevant to us. Rather, it is drawn from personal preferences I have developed over the last ten years. I also apologise for the clumsy writing and the overly formal style – while it may sound distant and impersonal, it is actually intended to be a genuine attempt at precise and clear communication of what I hope will provide a context with which you can understand some of the ways that I interact with the people who are important to me.
- My understanding of a relationship is based on the mutually beneficial interactions of individuals within agreed upon frameworks. For me, this framework needs to include that such relationships may be entered into with multiple people simultaneously. Furthermore, I consider there to be numerous different types of possible relationships, none of which are any more ‘valuable’ than any other. For example, while intimate relationships tend to have different dynamics from friendships, I consider my close relationships with friends to be of equal importance as any of my intimate relationships. In all cases, I seek out these interactions primarily for what it is possible to learn, and for the ways in which it is possible to contribute to otherwise independently lead lives – I have no interest in ‘building a life’ with any one person.
- When my long-term relationships are stable, I require the option to pursue other (potential) intimate relationships. In addition, I expect to be able to interact socially with people without having to restrain my interest in the pursuit of opportunities to learn and share experiences. Further, I don’t know at the start of such interactions which might, or might not, develop into longer-term entanglements.
- While I try to respond to expressions of jealously with honesty and patience, I am not yet very good at the patience side of this. Rather, I can get frustrated at not understanding (I tend to feel compersion concerning the important people and interests of those I am involved with and I can get confused by the lack of this in return) and I can feel misunderstood. As such, in response to jealousy I may withdraw and become distant until I have been able to have time alone to think.
- If I am seeing someone new for any significant length of time I expect them to learn to respect and interact comfortably with the other important people in my life. Similarly, I request that my partners be able to respect and interact comfortably with new people that I show interest in. I realise this is not always easy or possible – comfortable being relative and often requiring familiarity. As such, I understand this places varying expectations on different individuals. Nonetheless, ideally no one would require my undivided attention in social situations and, at the same time, I would be able to show attention to people in social situations without making anyone else uncomfortable.
- In general, after any specifically defined commitments, I tend to prioritise the responsibilities that I have accepted in relation to those with whom I have an understanding of being one of each other’s ‘people’. My levels of energy and interest in new people fluctuate unpredictably. Nonetheless, I endeavour to maintain my interest in people within the long-term average of my limited energy/time resources.
- I consider it important to be reliable for those things for which I have agreed. In addition, I do my best to attend to those things that I have identified as being important to someone whom I care about. For most other things, I am often unobservant and ignorant of subtleties, so I usually need to be told, explicitly, what someone else wants, thinks and feels.
- I consider relationships to be fundamentally temporary, yet potentially long-term entanglements where individuals who benefit actively choose to interact and, when no-longer mutually beneficial, choose to become less entangled. When an important and ongoing intimate relationship ends, my ideal is for it to shifts into another form that allows that person to remain important to me. I am, however, aware that sometimes relationships disintegrate irrevocably. Either way, any ending or shifts of relationships would ideally be done with as much clear communication and respect as possible.
I look forward to your thoughts, as always.
tags: meta-communication personal-examples intentional-relationships
Date created: 2013 (original letter written in 2013, lightly edited prior to sharing in 2020 for form (not content) and to preserve the anonymity of the recipient)
Version: 2.0, 2020
Created for: Resources for Intentional Relationships
Attribution: created by E. T. Smith on unceded lands of the Wurundjeri people.
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