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    # 九零陳_2022/5/23 ![](https://i.imgur.com/aU1CdLJ.png) ![](https://i.imgur.com/WcqgtrV.jpg) 嗨 我想分享我生病的心路歷程😁 疫情無聊的人想看再看嘍 好長… 我在這個社團8年 從14歲到現在已經22歲 還記得國中頭髮被自己扯光 指甲被自己咬的剩下0.2公分 指頭的皮膚也被咬到都是血 那時只知道媽媽說大家可以為什麼你不行 姐姐讀中山女高 表姐讀台中女中 大表姐讀台大 表妹也上了台中女中 我也相信只要努力就會有好成績 但我卻考了個護專 雖然是第2名進去 但我想對大人來說成績事業就是他們面子 於是我在護專也很努力各科都是前三名 班上有60人 讀到二年級時我好像生病了 從每天檢查物品門窗書本數次 到連開口跟同學借筆都要反覆練習好幾次 每天莫名的哭泣 走路在哭 吃飯在哭 睡覺也在哭 莫名憂鬱低落自卑 想著 這樣練習說話要到什麼時候 於是我自己來到這個社團 經過社團朋友幫忙 我到榮總看精神科 那時還未滿18 只是想要知道自己有沒有生病 醫生人很好 跟我對談從沒講到症狀 那時很好奇我生病了嗎? 醫生只是跟我聊日常也緩和我很緊張的氣氛 後來他請社工帶我去做一些測驗 有拼圖 有一問一答 有算數 有心理測驗 有專注力測試 結束後 醫生跟我說要不要休息一陣子再去上學呀 我說我很嚴重嗎?結果顯示如何 醫生說還沒出來要下一次看哦 我跟醫生說媽媽不讓我來看精神科也不讓我吃精神科藥物我只是來判斷自己有沒有生病而已⋯因為這樣生活真的好痛苦 醫生問我想怎麼做呢? 我不敢跟醫生說我有自殺計劃 因為我擔心他跟我媽媽講 醫生跟我聊 我腦筋一直轉停不下來要吃藥休息陣子才可以好好上學 到時所有不開心焦慮緊張哭泣都會改善 但我心裡想的只有媽媽一定會覺得我在逃避現實 即使醫生會跟家人溝通 但我家人一定不理解 後來我繳費拿了一週的藥先回去了 最後藥還是被我媽媽發現 下場大家應該都懂 後來請媽媽陪我去看精神科的報告 結果根本沒有報告這一件事情 醫生直接跟我媽媽說我要好好休息一段時間 趁現在孩子年紀不大還能好好調整 現場我都在哭我覺得我真是個廢物 後來休學了 花好多錢看醫生吃藥 一直在調整藥物 副作用讓人真的很難受 情緒波動更明顯更低落 焦慮頭髮把得更嚴重 好想放棄 說不定撐著回去讀書還是可以順利畢業的 真的不想再吃藥了 被整個家族當成神經病草莓族沒有人會體諒你 一週兩週一個月兩個月 真的好難熬 家人說你整天在房間哭不洗澡不洗頭不整理房間到底在幹嘛 我快崩潰了休學一年來折磨自己的嗎 但我想要做點事卻什麼都做不了 畫畫閱讀洗碗遛狗 明明很簡單… 但我畏懼那種感覺不知如何形容 好像到處都有人要殺死你一樣 我終於活成廢物了 什麼都做不了 浪費地球的空氣 我有答應醫生… 撐不下去要趕快回診 醫生看到我 眼睛哭得很腫 衣服都濕了 15分鐘才講出一句話 又過了15分鐘 我完全停不下來變得無法呼吸 醫生拿了塑膠袋給我讓我慢慢喘氣 後來護士推輪椅帶我先打了一針鎮定劑 我在旁邊休息了半小時 和醫生講說我覺得我⋯差不多了⋯ 醫生很溫柔的陪伴 並跟我說再兩週 給自己一個機會 藥物上調整了 我也替自己加油 因為唯一理解我鼓勵我的就是醫生而已 兩週過去我情緒比較平穩了 但還是常常哭焦慮恐慌 經過好幾次回診 我在六個月內調整到了穩定藥物 終於有一次的藥可以開一個月 我很努力的撐著 從畏懼出門慢慢練習出門走到樓下庭院散步 接下來是附近的國小 最後我每天都會到河濱公園快走 有時還是哭著走完 我總告訴自己不管怎樣每天都要進步 即使身心狀況不好 也逼自己去 在別人眼中很簡單的事情 在我身上變得好困難 我從200公尺進步到了500公尺 慢慢地1公里2公里…最後我每天固定都會走10公里 藉由藥物幫忙我沒有那麼焦慮了 三年都沒長出來的頭髮開始長了胎毛 我好開心🥳 幻想著有一天我不用戴帽子出門 其實我不敢跟路人說話也很排斥跟人相處 因為對我來說就像演戲一樣 要把草稿全部背起來 我才敢跟對方說話 大家也看得出來明顯的不自在跟緊張 你們相信嗎休學一年 我只有跟社團同年紀朋友去參加過一次身心症的教會活動 有些人跟我一樣不太會表達 看到人會恐慌 但因為大家都有病感覺相處起來沒有那麼大的壓力 也順利地完成好多活動 替自己覺得好不可思議 回家後變得比較有信心 很快一年過去 要回學校 跟學妹一起上課 我自己身心狀況 假如自殺10分 崩潰8分 有點危險6分 撐的住4分 心情平靜2分 沒什壓力1分 當天到教室是4分 但看到60個學妹活潑的要認識你 好奇你怎麼休學還說要幫我辦個歡迎儀式 真的先嚇死的瞬間分數達到6分7分… 還沒到8分我就先回寢室了 因為緊張我把剛長出來的那些胎毛都撤光了 我很低落⋯ 擔心會不會又無法完成學業 老師讓我現在寢室休息 下午的課我裝沒事一樣去了班上 和大家自我介紹 學妹可能被我嚇到 也沒有問那麼多問題了 後來上課都慢慢進入狀況 雖然有時候還是忍不住翹課跑去找醫生 因為我的問題只有醫生能給我解決方法 聊聊後 像加滿油一般 又有勇氣去學校上課了 所有事情都往最好的方向發展 從二年級讀到了三年級 成績都是穩穩 但在三年級下學期出現狀況⋯⋯ 我會莫名呼吸不到空氣 醫生跟我說是恐慌症 我一開始不怎麼害怕 但隨著頻率增加的發生 讚安諾20分鐘沒效還是要去醫院 就這樣一個禮拜大概有三到四次要去急診 我真的受不了了 那種恐怖的感覺就像你隨時要死掉一樣 我心想焦慮憂鬱強迫都減緩了下來為什麼恐慌不能⋯ 後來我變得很害怕恐慌發生 變成天天都會發作恐慌症 有一次還在夢裡 我想請別人幫我拿讚安諾但我沒辦法說話 全身發麻 眼睛看不到東西一片黑暗 瞬間覺得脫離了世界 大概有10秒的時間我覺得我不再這個身體了 後來請示室友幫我拿藥跟水我一口氣吞了三顆 等時間過去調整呼吸 這是我第一次沒有去急診 以為自己可以控制病情的時候 隔天又來一次 一樣送急診 我決定在休息一次 這一次藥物慢慢減少一些 也加了些藥物 . . . 隔了一年狀況明顯好很多 跟小兩歲的學妹一起上課 感覺一切都在掌握中 四年級五年級也成功拿下 問我開心不開心 我比較開心的是我頭髮長出來了 雖然焦慮憂鬱強迫恐慌這些在我生活上還是不斷出現 但我決定與他共存 以前會擔心精神科藥吃多或長期吃對身體腦子不好 但發現有藥物能救自己的病 真的很感謝上天 至少我還有藥可以醫 雖然過程真的非常辛苦 但我走過來了 我想如果不是醫生的幫忙理解耐心陪伴 我真的活不到今天… 相信社團的朋友都很努力的讓自己過好每一天 大家辛苦了 你們很勇敢也很堅強 從14歲治療到現在我每天都有穩定的吃藥喔 思樂康300 煩多閃2 贊安諾3 美舒鬱2 戀多眠2 當眠多2 悠樂丁(睡不著再起來補1顆) 利福全3顆 一天4次 12顆 目前因疫情在家休息 順便調整藥物減量 祝福我能成功哦👍 憂鬱傾向跟憂鬱症不一樣 簡單說憂鬱症就是莫名沒來由的憂鬱 看電視憂鬱 洗澡憂鬱 打電動憂鬱 憂鬱傾向是本身較容易因事情低落 容易亂想 但若身體扛不住 還是要去跟醫生聊聊多少都有幫助 雖然有些人排斥精神科藥物 但病情無法控制時他能把你救回來 讓你體會正常人的生活 我也服用1年才有明顯的好轉 至少我有頭髮了✌🏻 雖然我頭皮已經完全沒感覺 但不用因為戴假髮被欺負被笑 我好棒👍👍👍

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