# Identifying Attraction (initial interest)
In the context of discussing [Relationship Elements](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/ElementsOverview) the following examples are provided to highlight that there a wide range of different ways to experience initial interest (attraction) in someone and how this may lead to cultivating an ongoing relationship with someone.

It is important to appreciate that experincing specific types of attraction/interest can be an [independently variable aspect of individual experience](http://transstudent.org/gender/).

Likewise, while forms of attraction and various [forms of connection](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/BydAKQhp8) are often related, there is rarely a one-to-one correspondence. Some contrasting examples to have been indicated for comparison.

## Aesthetic appeal
Initial Iinterest in someone may be experienced as a compelling desire to 'look' at the person (finding their aesthetic compelling) - something that can be experienced independently of any other forms of attraction and without necessarily leading to a desire for a relationship of any kind.
*Compare with:* [aesthetic intimacy](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/BkyiXNnaI#Aesthetic-intimacies)

## Affinity
Interest in someone may also be based on feeling a 'sense of ease' given shared values or experiences. This may highlight possible areas of [affinity intimacy](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/BkyiXNnaI#Affinity-intimacies) or it may be a situationally specific confluence of events that dissipates with extended interaction

## Availability
Interest driven by the other persons availability for a specific relationship element (e.g., by initiating expressions of sexual interest, as required by someone who identifies as reciprosexaul someone in a work context expressing space in their schedule for new collaborations; being invited to participate in an activity of interest with someone otherwise of minimal interest).
*Compare with [Availability Expectations](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/HJTDz4naL#Availability-expectations)*

## Compatibility
Attraction that is based on an interest in someone because they share one or more ways of being in the world that are similar, or complementary to, one's own. Examples include:
- values and philosophical perspectives
- cognitive constitutions (e.g., compatible ways of conceptualising ideas, emoting feelings, engaging with information, etc.,)
- communication practices (e.g, compatible expectations for the rhythm of communication-frequency/intensity, processes for resolving conflicts when they arise, etc.,)
- approaches to working
- everyday living practices (e.g., compatible approaches to sleeping, eating, recreational activities, etc.,)
- life-structures (e.g., compatibility in terms of if/how much each want to involve the other within the various projects, communities, and institutions that structure their respective lives)
- future-thinking (e.g, a compatibility in terms of if/how each want to include the other in their future life-structures)
- and more

*Compare with the cultivation of [Compatibility Intimacies](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Intimacy#Compatibility-intimacies); also see, Strategic Interest and Intellectual Attraction*

## Charm
Attraction that is experienced as a feeling of being ‘drawn’ to someone in an almost-physiologically salient not explainable by any other connection. This form of attraction is most often associated with [physical 'chemistry' or 'passion'](https://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/the-hook-up-podcast/relationships-with-no-chemistry/12427962). However, there can also be a 'sense of chemistry' experienced as a desire for platonic physical proximity, and/or as a desire to 'feel connected' with someone when there is an intense emotional or intellectual attraction to someone that persists beyond all reasonable explanations.
*Compare with:* Aesthetic appeal

## Intellectual stimulation
An attraction to someone based on their capacity to provide intellectual stimulation - via the intersection of your respective educations, forms of creativity, professional/work interests, etc.,
*Compare with:* [Intellectual intimacy](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/BkyiXNnaI#Intellectual-intimacies).

## Physical interest
An attraction to someone based on a desire to share one or more forms of [physical intimacy](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/BkyiXNnaI#Physical-intimacies) with them.

## Romantic interest
Given the [range of associations attached to the term 'romantic'](https://petermcgraw.org/romance-and-love-as-a-solo), assuming others share your understanding of this form of interest can be especially confusing.

Firstly, there is a lot of variability in the degree and conditions within which a person is likely to experience the feelings they associate with romantic connections [as Ettina's survey highlights](https://abnormaldiversity.blogspot.com/2017/05/).

In addition, the term romantic can carry unintended associations due to the dominant cultural associations - including the [culture of nostalgia for gestures of symbolism-based emotional manipulation used to further proscriptive relationship agreements and escalator progression](https://twitter.com/craigambrose/status/1298962117538717696).

The notion that romantic actions are either a ritual and/or a performance complicate the notion of how our feelings are both shaped by and expressed through broader socitial expectations of those feelsing - for example, see [Simon(e) van Saarloos](http://www.simonevansaarloos.nl/) exploring different aspects of this in conversation with the [Multiamory crew in 2019](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/248-playing-monogamy-with-simone-van-saarloos) and with [Tristan Taormino, in 2020](http://tristantaormino.com/sex-out-loud/2288-2/).

Given all this, the term romantic interest also tends to function as a fuzzy catch-all concept for a collections of feelings and/or actions associated with 'being [passionately](https://www.simplypsychology.org/types-of-love-we-experience.html) in love'. Yet, while each of the elements in the personalised collections of feelings/actions associated with romantic love may each better expressed in their own terms, the broader cultural contexts for this term can make it difficult to articulate these nuances.

The concept of 'romantic love' nonetheless retains value for many people. For example, it has been used to highlight that the experiences that people often associate with being 'romantically' attracted to someone can vary independently from other broad categories of attraction (especially sexual attraction) they are often assumed to be part of.

Image: [Kimchi Cuddles](https://kimchicuddles.com/), comic #250

For example, a range of different [identity markers](/NuXYnTtHS-yyr7ZLnU1OqQ) have been developed to help communicate the general approach taken towards if and, if so, under what conditions someone is likely to seek out a romantic component in their relationships. For examples, see:
- Alloromantic - the capacity to experience romantic attraction (anyone who isn't *aromantic*).
- [Aromatic (Aro)](https://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/69145328274/you-might-be-aromantic-if) - not experiencing romantic attraction under any circumstances.
- [Grey-romantic](https://petermcgraw.org/aromanticism) - someone with a (sometimes variable) position on the aromantic spectrum
- Demiromantic - only experiencing romantic attraction under specific conditions such as having an established [emotional intimacy](/@IntentionalRelationshipsToolkit/BkyiXNnaI#Emotional-intimacies) connection.
- [Hyperromantic](https://poly.land/2017/06/27/love-cant-tell-hyperromantic-lament/) - feelings of romantic attraction are experienced along with most other forms of attraction.

In addition, while why we are likely to be attracted to some people and not others clearly extends well beyond elements of romantic interest (e.g., see [Ways of Relating while Working Together](/y3RhEaE9QBqeCmaK11Pqmg)). Even in the context of romantic attraction, it is important to note that sexual attraction function as independent variables. For instance, see the romantic-orientation equivilancies for sexual-orientation terms:
- Panromantic - sexual/romantic attraction to people *regardless* of their sexual characteristics or gender
- Biromantic - sexual/romantic attraction to people whose sexaul characteristics or gender are the same as their own in specific ways AND attraction to people whose sexual characteristics or gender are different to their own in specific ways.
- Mono-romantic - sexual/romantic attraction to people with one specific set of sexual characteristics and/or gender
- homo-romantic - sexual/romantic attraction only to people who have the same sexual characteristics and/or gender as one's own.
- hetero-romantic - sexual and romantic attraction only to people of a specific different set of sexual characteristics and/or gender to one's own.

## Sexual interest
A feeling of desire for sexual touch, or other form of [erotic intimacy](/VVFq7SxYRRyuMnPuS92nQA?view#Erotic-intimacies), with a specific person. This can be impacted by multiple elements.

Complicating experiences of sexual attraction is variability in the degree and conditions within which an *interest in sexual activity* is experienced in a *generalised* way (if at all).

An aspect of experiencing an interest in sex is a person’s sex drive, or [libido](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libido), which can be influenced by many factors. The presence/absence of specific instances of desire for sexual activity are not necessarily indicative of the degree of [sexual attraction](/dckrwTcWRKKTRe1FYb0MXA?view#Sexual-Attraction) experienced toward specific people. In addition, experiencing sexual attraction and/or an interest in sexual activity may depend on the context of the specific interaction (e.g., whether there specific [forms of intimacy](/VVFq7SxYRRyuMnPuS92nQA?view)).

This individual variability in interest in sexual experiences have led to a range of different [identity markers](/NuXYnTtHS-yyr7ZLnU1OqQ) that can be used to help communicate if and, if so, under what conditions a person is likely to seek out opportunities for sexual activities and/or erotic intimacies. For examples, see:
- [Allosexual](https://www.healthline.com/health/allosexual) - a description for anyone who experiences sexual attraction
- [Asexual (Ace)](http://wiki.asexuality.org/Lexicon) - a description for those who do not experience the feeling of sexual attraction
- [Demisexual](https://www.healthline.com/health/demisexual)- feeling sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond has been established.
- [Fraysexuality](https://ourqueerstories.com/alterous-attraction/) - feeling sexual attraction towards strangers (that fades once knowing the person).
- [Greysexuality](https://ourqueerstories.com/alterous-attraction/) - feeling sexual attraction very rarely
- [Lithosexuality](https://ourqueerstories.com/alterous-attraction/) – feeling sexual attraction without wanting it reciprocated
- [Hypersexual](https://poly.land/2016/12/16/think-youre-hypersexual-living-hype/) - experiences characterised by an insatiable interest in sex.
- [Megasexaul](https://poly.land/2019/03/15/what-is-megasexuality/) - feeling an interest in intimate relationships only once [erotic intimacy](/VVFq7SxYRRyuMnPuS92nQA?view#Erotic-intimacies) has been established with that person.
- [Reciprosexaul](https://poly.land/2019/01/17/what-are-reciprosexual-and-reciproromantici/) - only experiencing sexual attraction after knowing that the other person is sexually attracted to them first.

In addition to sexual-interest, there are range of different sexual-orientations. Orientation is about who a person is likely to be attracted to and in this context romantic and sexual orientation are not often disambiguated - although why we are likely to be attracted to some people and not others clearly extends well beyond elements of sexual interest. While one of the most common ways to describe sexaul orientation is using terms such as same-sex attraction or opposite-sex attraction, this language reflects a history of [conflating sexual characteristics & gender](http://transstudent.org/gender/) (by implying that there only two sexes, that these two sexes map neatly onto gender, and that these sex/gender binaries function as a matched-pair) sometimes the terms are reconfigured to acknowledge those that exist outside that boundary.For example:
- Pansexual - sexual attraction to people *regardless* of their sexual characteristics or gender
- Bisexual - sexual attraction to people whose sexaul characteristics or gender are the same as their own in specific ways AND attraction to people whose sexual characteristics or gender are different to their own in specific ways.
- Monosexual - sexual attraction to people with one specific set of sexual characteristics and/or gender
- homosexual - sexual attraction only to people who have the same sexual characteristics and/or gender as one's own.
- heterosexual - sexual attraction only to people of a specific different set of sexual characteristics and/or gender to one's own.

## Strategic interest
Attraction to someone based on characteristics they have that suggest a 'good fit' for a specific type of relationship already wanted (e.g., collaborating, co-parenting, partnership, D/s, etc.,) and/or that a relationship with them would help to achieve a specific goal (stability, adventure, career progression, etc.,).

## Squishes
Attraction to someone experienced as a strong desire to form a platonic relationship with them - also known as an *aromantic crush*.

## Additional Examples
- Herway's [10 different types of attraction](https://herway.net/love/10-types-of-attraction-and-their-meanings-explained/).
- Secondlina's cute [comic about different types of attraction](https://secondlina.tumblr.com/post/21955456091/a-comic-about-the-different-types-of-attraction).


## Next Steps
- Explore relationship elements associated with [Maintaining Connections](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Connections)
- Return to [Introduction to Relationship Elements](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/ElementsOverview)
- Return to the [Overview of Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Overview)
- Return to the [List of Contents](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/ContentsPage) for Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships

## Attribution & Contact
See [attribution notes and contact details](/hiL09et4RMebuQWFyTN7uQ)
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