# Indiana Jones and the Final Batch of Autism

# Chapter Nineteen: ...And Fall

[i]
"Who are you?"

The filly sits alone on a rock. All around her is an endless gray landscape of stone, broken only by craters. The sky is a cold expanse of stars.

Across from her, a figure materializes. The figure of an adult. An alicorn. Her coat is black, her mane and tail a dark blue starry cloud. She is wearing some sort of armor. She looks great and terrible, like a Queen.

"Who are you?" the filly asks again.

"You know who I am," the alicorn replies. "You have always known me."

"Black Snooty?" asks the filly.

"No."

"Hokey Smokes?"

"No."

"Queen Meanie?"

"No."

"Ted Dansen?"

"What? No!"

"Um..."

The filly trails off. The alicorn sighs.

"I'm Nightmare Moon," she says.

"Of course!" exclaims the filly. "Wait, no: who is Nightmare Moon? And why does everypony keep thinking I'm you?"

The alicorn sighs again.

"I shall tell you a story," she says. "A long time ago, there were two sisters. Celestia, the eldest sister, would raise the sun in the morning, and Luna, the younger sister, would raise the moon at night.

"But over time, the younger sister grew resentful. She decided to rebel, and transformed into a wicked mare of darkness. She attempted to depose her sister, and take control of the realm, and so Celestia had no choice but to imprison her on the moon for one thousand years. The name of that mare was Nightmare Moon."

"Ohhhh, okay. So......Nightmare Moon is Luna then?"

"Yes."

"So that means you're Luna?"

"Well, no, not exactly."

"So then...Luna is you?"

"Er, well, she [i]was[/i] me, but now she's not anymore."

"Uh, what?"

"Well, you see, I was born from Luna's anger at her sister."

"Oh, I see. So when she stopped being angry at her sister she wasn't you anymore?"

"Correct; she stopped being me."

"So then who are you?"

"I am, well, me."

"Who?"

"Nightmare Moon."

"So...Luna then?"

"No, Luna is a different pony."

"Oh. So, you're Nightmare Moon, who was Luna when she was mad, but now Luna isn't mad anymore, so you're just you now?"

"Er, yeah. Basically."

"Oh. Okay. So, uh, what was Luna mad about?"

"Luna was mad because ponies went to sleep at night."

"Oh. And now she's not mad about that anymore?"

"No, she pretty much got over that."

"Oh. So then what are you mad about?"

"I'm mad about...uh, I'm not sure actually. I think I'm mad about rainbows. Also, I'm still mad about everything that Luna was mad about."

"Oh. Even though Luna isn't mad about any of that anymore?"

"Right."

"Oh."

The filly and the alicorn stare at each other for a long time.

"So then what am I mad about?" asks the filly.

"You're asking me?"

"Well, I'm you, right?"

"Um, sort of..."

"What do you mean?"

"Uh, well, you're basically me...if I were a filly."

"Didn't you used to be a filly?"

"No, I didn't. I've always been Nightmare Moon. It was Luna who used to be a filly. Before she turned into me."

"But you're not Luna?"

"No."

"Oh. Am I Luna?"

"No."

"Oh. Then who is Luna?"

"Luna is Luna."

"Oh. So then, neither of us really has anything to do with Luna?"

"Not really, no."

"But we're both Nightmare Moon?"

"Yes. Sort of."

"But Nightmare Moon is something that only exists because of Luna being mad?"

"Yes."

"Then what are we mad about?"

"Um, well, I guess you're mad because Twilight Sparkle was mean to you a couple of times, and I'm mad because of some stuff that Luna was mad about a thousand years ago."

"Oh. But Luna isn't mad about that stuff anymore?"

"Not really, no."

"And you're not Luna anymore?"

"Um, I don't think so. Let's say no. I'm actually getting a little confused."

"Me too. Anyway, Luna's definitely not you anymore?"

"No, she's definitely not me."

"Oh."

The filly's tail twitches back and forth.

"Is something the matter?" asks Nightmare Moon.

"Well, it's just..."

"Yes?"

"It just feels like you kind of forced this whole 'transform into an evil alicorn for revenge' thing on me under false pretenses. And now I'm going to get in trouble because of all the stuff we did together."

"Well, to be fair, it wasn't really me that forced you to transform. It was basically that cult that started the whole thing. They wanted you to turn into Nightmare Moon."

"Oh. Well why did they want me to turn into Nightmare Moon?"

"Because they wanted Nightmare Moon to rule Equestria."

"But Nightmare Moon is really Luna?"

"Well, Luna used to be Nightmare Moon."

"But now she's not anymore?"

"Uh, no."

"So let me see if I understand. Nightmare Moon, who is Luna, stopped existing because Luna stopped being Nightmare Moon because she wasn't mad about ponies sleeping anymore. But, an evil cult wanted Nightmare Moon to rule Equestria, but not Luna. So, they tried to bring Nightmare Moon back to replace Luna, even though Nightmare Moon was just Luna being mad. But for some reason, Nightmare Moon came back as a filly, who wasn't mad about anything. But then that filly became mad about stuff that had nothing to do with Luna or Nightmare Moon, and that turned her into Nightmare Moon. And then Nightmare Moon became also mad about things that Luna wasn't mad about anymore, on top of the stuff that she was mad about from being a filly. Um, is that more or less what happened?"

"Uhhhh, basically; yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Look, kid; you're probably overthinking this. This premise never really made a whole lot of sense in the first place."

"Oh. So, uh...what's the meaning of life, desu?"

"Huh?"

"You know, why do we exist?"

"Um, in a nutshell? We exist because fans in 2011 would read pretty much anything with ponies in it."

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Oh. Okay."

The filly and the alicorn sit together in the desolate moonscape, saying nothing and staring at the stars.
[/i]
- - -

"...tho then the docktor thaid that I wathn't pregnant, becauth you can't get pregnant jutht from haffing a dream about Ted Danthen."

Black Snooty jolted awake. She looked around her in alarm.

"What the--how did I get here?" she demanded.

The little curly-maned filly next to her appeared startled for a moment. Then, she looked down at the ground with a disappointed expression.

"Oh, you mutht haff fallen athleep," she said. "Ith okay. It happenth a lot. For thome reathon, ponieth keep falling athleep when I talk."

Black Snooty's eyes darted around, adjusting to her surroundings. She was on a grassy hilltop, underneath the shade of an old elm tree. There was a building not far away, a schoolhouse by the look of it. She wasn't sure how, but she felt as if she knew this place.

She closed her eyes, inhaling the lilacs and the daffodils and the warm summer air. Yes, she remembered now. She used to come here, with her friends. Long ago; in a much happier time.

She took a deep breath, and suddenly it all came flooding back. She'd been a student at this school. She remembered school plays, and club meetings, and books and art projects and history classes. She'd had a life, once, and friends. She'd also had a mother. Why had she thrown all of that away? Was it to become Queen of Equestria? Why had she ever even wanted such a thing?

She'd made a real mess of things, since then. Her friends were in a dungeon now. So was her mother. She'd put them there. In retrospect, she wasn't even sure why. However, at this point, the reasons probably didn't matter. She didn't figure she could ever get those good times back; not after everything that had happened.

"Um, Black Thnooty? Um, Your Highneth? Ma'am?"

Black Snooty returned her attention to the filly. She was a dowdy little thing: cream-colored coat, mane like a clown's wig, glasses, some kind of...undefinable odor...emanating from...somewhere. She'd gone to school with this filly, she realized, though she hadn't thought much of her at the time. And yet here she was, sharing her afternoon with the Evil Queen of Equestria; the usurper to Celestia's throne, the one everypony wanted to depose. After everything she'd done, this plucky, smelly, frumpy, ugly, disheveled, acne-plagued little bespectacled gremlin was sitting right here beside her. The way a true friend would.

"I'm sorry, Twist," she said. "My mind was elsewhere."

The filly smiled, a little sadly.

"That'th okay. Like I thaid, nopony lithtenth to me much."

"Twist," began Black Snooty. "The other foals at this school...they...they aren't very nice to you, are they?"

Twist shook her head.

"No," she said dejectedly. "Ith becauth I wear glatheth. And becauth I lithp when I talk. And becauth my breath smellth like kitty litter. My Dad even thinkth tho. And thith one time, when we all went to thummer camp, I accthidentally wet the bed, and thinth I didn't want anypony to know about it, I jutht thlept in it, and for the retht of the trip I thmelled like pee-pee, and everypony made fun of me for it. And then there wath thith other time--"

"Twist," Black Snooty cut her off quickly. "Er, this may seem like a delicate question, but have you ever heard a voice? Inside your head? A voice that...was telling you to kill everypony?"

Twist shrugged.

"Well shure, Your Highneth," she said. "We've all heard that voith. At leatht, I athume we all haff. I hear it all the time. But you can't let a voith in your head tell you what to do. It doethn't matter if ith telling you to kill everypony in Ponyville or to burn down the thcool or even to put a bunch of sharp thingth in your vagina. The way I thee it, even if I'm thad thometimeth, or if other ponieth are mean to me, it jutht meanth I haff to thmile even harder! Becauth Thelethtia'th thun will shine tomorrow! Or at leatht it would haff, if you hadn't put Thelethtia in prithon."

Black Snooty wiped the tears from her eyes. Well, to be fair, quite a bit of it was probably spittle; talking to Twist was a bit like having a conversation with a lawn sprinkler. But at least some of it, she knew, was tears.

"Inthidentally," went on Twist, "How egthacktly hath the thun been moving with Thelethtia in prithon, anyway? That'th been bugging the crap out of me..."

However, Black Snooty was no longer listening. She remembered suddenly why she'd flown all the way here from Canterlot, and what she'd brought with her.

"Twist," said Black Snooty. "I want you to have something. It's something that was...very important to me once. But somewhere along the line, I forgot how important it was, and now I don't think I deserve it anymore. I would be honored if you would wear this from now on."

Twist held up the cloth that the Queen passed to her, staring at it in awed reverence.

"Ith thith a Cutie Mark Cruthaderth cape?" she asked.

Black Snooty nodded.

"It is indeed," she said.

"Wow! That'th tho cool!" exclaimed Twist, a bright smile on her face. "I'fe alwayth wanted one of thethe!"

Black Snooty smiled. The excitement in the fugly little filly's eyes warmed her heart like a cool island breeze, warmed it in a way that it hadn't been warmed in...in as long as she could remember. She cleared her throat.

"And now," proclaimed Black Snooty, in her most royal voice. "By the power invested in me as Queen of All Equestria and Some of the Lands Beyond Probably, I hereby induct you into the Esoteric Order of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Iä! Iä! Cmcthulhu ftagn!"

Twist tied the cape around her neck and saluted, beaming with pride.

"Wow!" cried Twist. "Thith ith...thith ith the motht wonderful thing that anypony ever gafe me..."

Black Snooty smiled.

"I only have one condition," she said. "That you wear it with pride. And that you always remember what it represents. And that you do your utmost to...to be a better friend to your fellow crusaders than I was."

Twist smiled brightly and gave a jaunty salute.

"Thath ackshually theveral conditionth" she pointed out. "But I underthant what you mean. And I promith I will do everything you thaid. N-nipaaaah~~!"

Black Snooty smiled.

"Nipah, Twist," she said, brushing tears from her eyes. "Nipah...and Tutturu."

She looked up, through the boughs of the old elm tree. The sun was shining bright against the sky so blue. In that moment, she was euphoric; all the doubt in her heart was gone. She knew now what she had to do.

"Please excuse me now, Twist," she said softly. "I have some ponies to let out of the dungeon."

"Not so fast!"

The fancy voice coming from behind caught her off guard, but Black Snooty recovered herself and turned around slowly.

- - -

A hot gust of Summer wind rose up, blowing a tumbleweed across the schoolyard. The two ponies faced each other: one a tall, powerful and imposing alicorn, the other a humble earth pony clad in a tuxedo.

"Oh, it's you," the Queen said calmly, regarding her interlocutor with a serene expression. "My new Finance Minister."

Soup Du Jour smiled thinly.

"Oui Madame," was all he said.

"Are you here about the whole 'fiscal insolvency' thing?" asked Black Snooty. "Because I actually had an idea about that. What if, instead of trying to find actual money to pay our creditors with, what if we just printed up a bunch of worthless slips of paper and [i]called[/i] it money? That way, we could just create as much of it as we want, and use it to pay ourselves. And even though it's worthless, everypony else would be forced to use it as if it were real money, because we would force them to. With violence. It would be a great way for us to keep running up an infinite amount of debt without having to actually pay any of it off!"

Soup Du Jour smiled thinly again.

"Oui Madame," he repeated. "It sounds like a perfectly evil scheme, quite worthy of Madame's reputation for villainy. And may I say that Madame has wedged in this political commentary most expertly and with maximum subtlety; nicely done. However, I regret to inform Madame that I am not here today in my capacity as Finance Minister."

Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"You're not?"

Soup Du Jour shook his head sadly.

"No, Madame. I regret to inform you that...this is a coup."

A gust of hot wind rose up again, blowing another tumbleweed between the two of them. Black Snooty held still, her serene expression unchanged. Without taking her eyes off of her Minister of Finance, she spoke calmly:

"Twist," she said. "Perhaps you should run along home now."

Twist looked like she wanted to object, but the tone in the Queen's voice would brook no argument. The little curly-maned filly nodded soberly, adjusted her cape, and trotted off into the bushes.

"What is this?" said Snooty, taking a step forward. "High Noon?"

Soup Du Jour looked confused.

"It's...nearly five o'clock, Madame."

Black Snooty glanced at the sky.

"Oh, right," she said. She used her alicorn powers to adjust the position of the sun. Then, she cleared her throat.

"What is this?" she asked again. "High noon? The final shootout?"

Soup Du Jour smiled grimly.

"Something like that, Madame."

"Well, it's very dramatic."

Soup Du Jour adjusted his bow tie. He took a step forward.

"Madame was very cruel to me," he said. "All my life, I have dreamed of only one thing: to be a waiter. And you, your Majesty...you gave me this dream, let me hold onto it for just a moment, let me taste it but a little, only to rip it from my hooves and slap it into the dirt!"

"I have no idea what the buck you're talking about," replied Black Snooty. "I don't even remember who you are. You're...kind of a background pony, to be perfectly honest."

Soup Du Jour's expression darkened.

"Maybe you lie," he said. "Or maybe you tell the truth. It is of no matter to me, madame. Now that my one dream has been crushed, I no longer care if I live or die. But, while I still draw breath on this earth, there is one thing that I have left to do."

Black Snooty glared at him.

"You can't possibly think you can take me on," she said. "Or take on me. You'll be gone in a day."

"Oui, Madame," said Soup Du Jour. "And yet, I'll be coming for you anyway. As will my friends."

As if on cue, five cloaked, shadowy figures stepped out from the shadowy shadows.

"Allow me to present, Madame...the Elements of Harmony," said Soup du Jour.

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"The Elements of What?" she demanded. It sounded vaguely familiar...

Soup Du Jour smiled.

"Allow me to demonstrate, Madame," he said.

The first figure cast aside his cloak and stepped forward.

"Remember me?" he demanded. "My name is Filthy Rich. You killed my daughter, and I'm here to take revenge."

"Wait, what?" said Black Snooty. "I thought that Magnet guy was the one who killed your daughter?"

Rich shook his head angrily.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he demanded. "Just because you were able to fool the horse-police and those idiot detectives I hired, you can't fool me. I know it was you that killed my precious Diamond Tiara! And even if it wasn't you, who gives a damn? You're terrible at being the Evil Queen of Equestria! Literally anypony could do a better job than you! That alone is reason enough to depose you!"

He puffed out his chest, and Black Snooty saw that he wore an intricate medallion with a gem at the center, shaped like a purple diamond.

"I now wield the power of the Element of Generosity!" he proclaimed. "Because I give to charity sometimes, and even if I only do it as a tax write-off, it still counts!"

Another figure stepped forward and threw off his cloak. This one wore a medallion with a red gem, shaped like a thunderbolt.

"Remember me?" the rusty brown earth pony demanded.

Black Snooty squinted.

"Oh, yes, I think I do," she said. "Your name is Night Soil, correct? You work the reception desk at the castle."

"Yes," he said, smiling bitterly. "I have faithfully served you, my Queen, as well as the Order of the New Moon. My master, the great and powerful Evening Musk, served you faithfully too. And how did your Majesty repay that service? By killing him in cold blood, and tossing him aside like yesterday's garbage. Well, I've got more loyalty than that. And as it turns out, it's just the right amount of loyalty I need to wield this: the Element of Loyalty!"

The next figure stepped forward. This one was rather short, and seemed peculiarly non-equine in stature. When he took off his cloak, Black Snooty saw that this was because he was a miniature dragon.

"Remember me?" he demanded. "It's me, Spike. You know, your adoptive mother's faithful assistant? The mother you threw in the dungeon for literally no reason when you suddenly turned evil, also for no reason?"

He puffed out his chest, and Black Snooty saw that his medallion had a blue jewel that was shaped like a balloon.

"Now, I'm the Element of Laughter!" he proclaimed. "Because if I couldn't laugh at myself, I'd be dead by now!"

The next figure stepped forward. She was a rather stout middle-aged unicorn, with a pink coat and a blue mane done up in an enormous beehive. Snooty felt like she'd seen her somewhere before, but she couldn't place where. She wore a medallion with an apple-shaped gem in it, except the apple was orange for some reason.

"Oh, hi there, your Majesty," the unicorn said pleasantly. "It's me again, you remember? I'm Sweetie Belle's mom. You know, the poor little filly you've got locked up in your little ol' dungeon there?"

Black Snooty nodded. Of course; this was the unicorn who'd made the petition earlier that afternoon.

"Well, I'm sorry to do this, your Majesty, but I really want to get my little daughter out of the pokey don'tcha know, and well, ya keep on tellin' me to 'come back next week,' but I've been comin' ta see ya for weeks and weeks now, and ya never seem to remember me, and, well...I'm afraid I just don't have much faith left in bureaucracy, don'tcha know. So now, I'm the little ol' Element of Honesty here, because, well, I honestly just don't think you're doin' such a great job as the Queen of Equestria there."

The last of the five stepped forward. This one was only a filly. She tossed her cloak to the side.

"Hi, Pyx!" she beamed cheerfully. "Remember me? I'm Lemon Pledge, the filly who played Chimney Sweep #4 in your play! I'm here because they needed somepony to be the Element of Kindness!"

She puffed out her chest and showed off her medallion, which had a gem shaped like a pink butterfly.

Finally, Soup Du Jour returned to the fore, casting aside his tuxedo.

"And I," he said with a dramatic flourish, "Am the Element of Magic, Madame."

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"How can a pony with no magic be the Element of Magic?" she asked.

"I...don't know, Madame," admitted Soup Du Jour. "But it was the last one left. And anyway, I don't think it really matters; this thing is almost over. Now, if Madame does not mind, I would ask her to please hold still, while we fire up a giant rainbow of destruction to blast her with."

"Well," began Black Snooty. "I think it's really great that you all have these matching disco medallions, but really this whole coup isn't necessary. I've actually decided I don't even [i]want[/i] to be the Evil Queen of Equestria anymore, so maybe I could just abdicate and we'd all be happy--"

However, the others weren't listening. They had fired up some kind of magic spell, and were now levitating into the air, surrounded by a heavenly aura. Their eyes lit up with power, and suddenly a huge rainbow burst forth.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" cried Black Snooty, as the rainbow blasted into her very core with the heat of a thousand suns. She felt as though her entire being were disintegrating. Disjointed memories passed before her eyes: memories of hatred and betrayal; of rebellion; of a thousand years on the moon. She saw other memories too. She saw a young filly romping in the schoolyard with her friends. Laughing. Playing. Brutally murdering two other foals who had picked on her. Frolicking in their entrails.

Then, there came a last surge of power, and Black Snooty's consciousness was finally rent asunder, her life and her memories scattered to the winds.

# Chapter Twenty: How I Spent my Summer Vacation on the Moon

The sun hung cheerfully in a clear blue sky. Though it was still Summer, the hottest days had passed, and there was an unmistakable hint of Autumn on the breeze. All around the Ponyville town square, the birds chirped and the insects buzzed, oblivious to the solemn affair that was taking place before them.

In the center of the square stood a makeshift stage, a relic from the Spring Festival. Though for most of the townsponies it felt like that festival had taken place in another lifetime, with all that had happened since then they had never gotten around to dismantling it, and so there it stood.

The props and the scenery from the foals' play had all been removed, and in their place stood a raised gallery in which sat the two Royal Princesses, Celestia and Luna. Opposite the gallery stood a single young alicorn filly. The filly's coat was coal-black, her strange reptilian eyes a brilliant turquoise. A white and black racing stripe ran the length of her bright green mane and tail, a stripe that made her look like she could go really, really fast. However, it was clear to anypony who saw her that she would not be going anywhere especially fast today, for the filly wore a set of heavy shackles on all four of her hooves, and a magic-binding collar was fastened securely about her neck.

The filly glanced nervously about. Gathered on the lawn of the town square was a vast crowd of ponies, all of whom were glaring disapprovingly at her. She saw many faces that she recognized, ponies she'd once thought of as her friends. However, there was no friendliness in their faces now.

Princess Celestia cleared her throat, and the filly turned to face her. The Princess's expression was solemn and severe. The filly swallowed nervously.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," said Celestia, in her booming Royal Canterlot voice. "Citizens of Equestria. We are gathered here today to hear evidence against Pyx Trebuchet, who stands accused of high treason against the realm. Court prosecutor, you may proceed."

An officious-looking unicorn stepped forward, hemming and hawing and shuffling papers about. He peered disdainfully at Pyx through a pince-nez, and then cleared his throat.

"If it please the court," he began in a loud, theatrical voice, "I will now present the charges against Pyx Trebuchet. The Prosecution submits the following charges: that Miss Trebuchet did knowingly and intentionally collude with a nefarious organization called the Order of the New Moon; that the purpose of this collusion was to depose their Royal Majesties Celestia and Luna from their positions as rightful rulers of all Equestria; that she, along with these accomplices, did forcibly detain the Princesses in an unsanitary dungeon and prevent them from exercising their royal duties; that Miss Trebuchet did unlawfully proclaim herself Queen of all Equestria; and that in the process of carrying out her new duties did cause significant harm to the realm and its citizens.

"In addition to these most heinous crimes of treason, the Prosecution adds the following charges: 418 counts of murder, 673 counts of aggravated assault, 128 counts of embezzlement and misappropriation of funds, 3 counts of unlawful imprisonment of a minor, and 1 count of being a terrible OC. Please bear in mind that all of these charges cover the events of only three months."

When the charges had been read, the assembled ponies erupted into thunderous applause, hooting and hollering for Pyx to be sent to the moon. It was a full minute before Celestia was able to command order again. When the crowd had settled down, she cleared her throat and turned her attention to Pyx.

"Pyx Trebuchet," she said sternly. "You have heard these charges against you. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Pyx turned and looked at the crowd, their faces twisted with anger and hatred. She turned to the Princesses, their faces stern and unsympathetic. She swallowed.

Though outwardly she had again the appearance of an ordinary foal, she was no longer the innocent filly she had once been. The fog over her memories had been lifted; she remembered most everything now, the good and the bad. Though she still had no idea who she was, or what she had been before she'd awoken in the Everfree Forest that night, she understood that some part of her was the mysterious entity that had been known as Nightmare Moon.

However, she was also herself. Though Nightmare Moon was a part of her, she knew that she was not Nightmare Moon, nor was she the creature that had called itself Black Snooty. Though that creature was an aspect of her as well, it had largely been destroyed by the rainbow blast, and she felt none of its lingering desires. She could, however, remember vividly everything that she had done while in this state.

When she'd awoken in the schoolyard, she'd discovered that not only had she been returned to her filly body, but most of her magic powers were gone as well. Not only the awesome powers she'd wielded as Black Snooty, but the abilities she'd had from before were also diminished. She could no longer teleport at will, for instance. Though she was still an alicorn in appearance, as far as she could tell, she had no more power than that of an average unicorn filly.

Nevertheless, she remembered everything that had happened all too well. She knew that even if she was not Black Snooty anymore, the things that Black Snooty had done, all the harm she had caused and all the ponies she'd hurt; all of that was real. She had done it all, and she had to atone for it.

She swallowed again.

"Uh, fillies and gentlecolts," she began.

Her voice was small and frail again; the voice of a schoolfilly. She wished she could have her alicorn body back just this once, but she knew it was not to be. She cleared her throat, and did her best to project as much bearing as her small stature would allow.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," she began again. "Citizens of Equestria. There comes a time in every young filly's life when she suddenly turns into an evil alicorn for some reason desu, and then tries to take over Equestria for some other reason desu.

"However, there also comes a time when, desu, for some completely different reason, she suddenly decides that she's had enough of being evil, and would like for everything to just go back to the way it was before, when she was just an ordinary schoolfilly who didn't have to deal with complicated things like statecraft and political intrigue. And for me, that time is now desu.

"While I know that the horrible things I did as Black Snooty can never truly be atoned for, I just want to say this to all of you:

"I'm really, really sorry desu, and I promise not to ever do it again. Nipah~~!"

A murmur ran through the crowd, and the ponies looked at each other with mixed expressions. Celestia and Luna sat upon their thrones, stone-faced, until everypony had settled down.

"Miss Trebuchet," began Celestia when the square was once again quiet. "The harm you have caused as Nightmare Moon, or 'Black Snooty' as you preferred to be called, is severe and irreparable. You imprisoned, tortured and killed hundreds of innocent ponies. You depleted the nation's treasury and destroyed the economy. You enacted numerous silly laws that will take forever to constitutionally repeal. You built an ostentatious gold statue of yourself in the middle of Canterlot that is...just a horrendous eyesore. The physical, mental, economic and emotional harm you have caused your fellow ponies is incalculable, and, as you yourself have said, these sins can never truly be atoned for.

"However.........you also said you were sorry. And in a world of candy-colored pastel ponies, that actually counts for quite a bit. As such, I am inclined to let you off with a warning."

Her eyes narrowed, and her voice became stern.

"However," she went on, "Any further shenanigans of this nature will absolutely [i]not[/i] be tolerated, young lady! If you [i]ever[/i] try to depose the rightful rulers of Equestria, and establish a brutal, tyrannical dictatorship rooted in violence and terror again, you will be [i]grounded,[/i] missy, and don't you forget it!"

Pyx hung her head.

"Yes, ma'am," she said.

A murmur ran through the assembled crowd again. The general consensus among the townsponies seemed to be that the sentence was tough but fair.

"Now then," said Celestia. "Before I stomp my royal hoof and make the sentence official, is there anypony who would like to give testimony for or against Miss Trebuchet?"

"Yes!" a small voice boldly proclaimed, and three young fillies, an earth pony, a pegasus and a unicorn, trotted onto the stage.

The earth pony gave a quick nervous glance at the crowd, and then turned to the princesses and spoke.

"Uh, fillies and gentlecolts," she began. "And citizens of Equestria and whatnot. Uh, my name is Apple Bloom, and this here is Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo."

"You were...Miss Trebuchet's friends, is that correct?" asked the Princess.

The three fillies nodded.

"Yeah," said Apple Bloom. "We [i]were[/i] her friends. And we just wanted to say this:

"When we first met Pyx, we all thought she was kinda weird. She talked all funny, and she said a lot of really strange things that made everypony uncomfortable. But then, we all got to know her and we realized there were a lot of really great things about her too, things that made her special."

She looked to the others for confirmation, and they both nodded their agreement.

"But then," she continued, "She suddenly turned into Nightmare Moon for some reason. After that, we realized she was just plain awful!"

Her two friends nodded in agreement once again.

"Yeah!" added Sweetie Belle. "Like, this one time, we all decided to take a trip up to Canterlot and see how she was doing. All we wanted to do was cheer her up and maybe see if she needed our help ruling Equestria, but she threw us in a dungeon for like no reason, and kept us there for a month!"

"Yeah!" chimed in Scootaloo. "And she put us in a cell with her crazy mom, who was having some kind of war flashback or something!"

"Yeah!" said Apple Bloom. "I remember that. She was like hallucinatin' or somethin'. I remember at one point, she thought we were gremlins who had come to steal her Lucky Charms, or somethin' like that, and she kept firin' magic-blasts at us out of her horn! We were scared outta our minds!"

Celestia furrowed her brow in concern, and turned to Pyx.

"Miss Trebuchet?" she asked. "Did you really do this? Did you really keep your friends locked in a dungeon for a month?"

Pyx looked at the ground.

"I...uh...well, I did, yes. But...I didn't really want to. That whole thing was my Minister's idea."

"What do you mean it was your Minister's idea?" demanded Scootaloo. "Was he the boss of you or something?"

Pyx looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Uh, no, I was his boss, actually."

"So...were you afraid of him? Like, was he threatening to hurt you if you didn't keep us locked up, or something like that?"

"Uh, no. He was actually pretty afraid of me, as I recall."

"So..." Scoot continued. "Basically, what you're saying is that you didn't [i]want[/i] to lock us in the dungeon, but some subordinate of yours who was scared of you somehow forced you to do it. And then, even though you wanted to let us out, and there was nothing stopping you from letting us out any time you wanted, you decided to just leave us in there for a month anyway. With crazy Old Maid Sparkle firing frickin' laser beams at us, no less!"

Pyx looked at the ground again, unable to meet her friends' accusing stares.

"Uh, yeah, that's basically the gist of it I guess," she admitted.

She looked up hopefully.

"But I did say I was sorry!" she said. "And that whole experience really taught me a valuable lesson about friendship! Nipah~~!"

"Oh, well, that's just great Pyx!" said Apple Bloom with a bright, ecstatic smile. "We're really glad you learned somethin'! Wanna know what we learned a valuable lesson about?"

"Um...yes?"

"We learned that you can survive in a moldy dungeon for a whole month just by eatin' stale bread crumbs and drinkin' toilet water, and you can even fend off the rats if you've got a sharp enough stick! But the downside is that you spend most of that time wishin' you were dead!"

She turned to Princess Celestia.

"Did ya get all that, your Highness? Or would you like me to put it in a letter for ya?"

"Uh...yes," said Princess Celestia. "I think I caught most of it."

"Oh yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "There's something else, too!"

She turned to Pyx.

"Who told you you could give away your Crusader cape to Twist?" she demanded.

"Um, well...nopony I guess..." Pyx stammered. "...it just...kinda felt like the right thing to do desu..."

"You can't just admit a new member to the Cutie Mark Crusaders without talking to us first!" cried Scootaloo.

"Yeah!" chimed in Sweetie Belle. "We have bylaws for that sort of thing! You have to introduce a motion and have it pass by at least a two-thirds vote! Twist came by the other day saying you'd made some kind of 'royal proclamation' and let her join the club, and it was really awkward for us!"

"That was mean of you, Pyx!" chided Apple Bloom. "Gettin' her hopes up like that!"

"Yeah, and she was really upset about it, too!" added Scootaloo. "You should have seen it. She made a huge scene when we told her she couldn't actually join. Sweetie Belle almost got bucked in the face trying to take that cape back from her."

Sweetie nodded in confirmation.

"Didn't you even stop to think that maybe there was a reason we didn't want Twist to be a Crusader in the first place?" she asked. "Like, how she spits everywhere, and she smells terrible, and she's super annoying? I mean, there was this one time, at Summer Camp, when she peed in her sleeping bag--"

"Um, thank you for your...enlightening testimony, girls!" Celestia cut in. "I think we've heard all that we need."

She turned to her sister, who nodded quickly.

"Why don't the three of you take your seats?" she offered.

The three Crusaders looked like they had more to say, but they reluctantly trundled off the stage. Apple Bloom pulled down one eyelid with a hoof and stuck her tongue out at Pyx as they walked by.

"You suck, Poochie!" hissed Scootaloo. "Don't hang around us anymore!"

"Nipaaaah~~!" said Sweetie Belle mockingly. Then she turned her back on Pyx with a loud "Hrrmph!"

"So anyway," she said to the others as they were walking away, "What should we do about finding a new fourth member? I really think we should re-evaluate the whole Lemon Pledge question......"

Meanwhile, Celestia cleared her throat.

"Erm, well then. Was there anypony else who wanted to testify?"

"Yes!"

Pyx's head shot up at the sound of the familiar voice. A purple unicorn, sweating profusely with her magenta-striped mane in disarray, stomped out onto the stage.

"[i]I[/i] would like to testify!" cried Twilight Sparkle.

"Mommy!" cried Pyx.

She tried to run to her, but remembered too late that she had shackles around her legs. She took half a step forward, tripped, and fell flat on her face. However, Twilight closed the distance between them, stomping angrily across the stage and glaring down at the filly.

"Don't you 'mommy' me, you little hellspawn!" Twilight snapped.

She turned to the Princesses.

"Do you want to know what this little monster did to me?" she demanded. "She locked me in a dungeon for...I don't even remember how long it was! But there were these three horrible little gremlins in there, and they kept trying to steal my Lucky Charms! I'm pretty sure I was able to fight them off, but when I came to, there were these three fillies locked in there with me. The gremlins must have been hassling them too, because they were really terrified! They kept hiding under the cot and crying, and they wouldn't even speak to me!"

"Uh, Twilight..." began Celestia. "Are you...absolutely [i]sure[/i] that's how it happened?"

Twilight shook her head violently, and conked the side of it with a hoof to try and knock the cobwebs out.

"To be perfectly honest, Princess, I'm not sure of much of anything anymore," she admitted. "But I am sure of one thing!"

She wheeled around to face the terrified, shackled filly.

"Pyx," she began sweetly, "Do you have any idea what 'delirium tremens' means?"

Pyx shook her head nervously.

"N-no, Mommy..."

"Well, LOOK IT UP SOMETIME!!" shouted Twilight. "And when you understand what it is, [i]try and imagine going through it while locked in a DUNGEON, with three terrified fillies screaming in your ear!!"[/i]

She turned back to Celestia.

"Princess, do you remember that thing we were talking about? With the...eh...little creatures and all?"

Celestia hesitated, and then nodded.

"Well, you can forget all about it! I'm done!" she turned to glare daggers at Pyx for a moment, and then continued. "That whole biological clock thing? I'm over it now. I'm just going to take Rarity's advice and get a cat or something!"

Everypony watched in silence as she descended from the stage, stalked across to the other side of the square, and entered the liquor store. She emerged a few minutes later, an extra-jumbo-sized jug of Pone's Farm floating in her horn aura.

"If anypony needs me," she shouted, "I'll be in the library!"

She stomped off down the main road, uncorking the jug as she went.

Celestia watched as her student slowly disappeared over the horizon, and then she turned to Pyx and cleared her throat.

"Ahem. Er, in light of this...new testimony...I've reconsidered my sentence."

Pyx swallowed.

"Pyx Trebuchet. As you are no doubt aware from your brief tenure as ruler of Equestria, the traditional penalty in these cases is imprisonment on the moon. Given the...rather forceful testimony from these last-minute character witnesses, I think that a sentence of...oh, let's say a thousand years, would be just. What do you think, my sister?"

She turned to Luna, who was staring off into the distance with an odd expression on her face.

"There's very little oxygen on the moon," she said quietly, to nopony in particular.

Celestia looked uncomfortable for a moment, and then cleared her throat again.

"Well then," she said. "If there is nothing else, let us carry out this sentence immediately!"

A loud "huzzah!" went up from the crowd.

"Prepare the traditional moon-transportation device!" cried Celestia.

"I took the liberty of preparing it before the trial began, your Majesty," said the Prosecutor, bowing.

"Then the prisoner will please follow me!"

Celestia nodded to Pyx, who was unceremoniously lifted to her hooves by a pair of powerful guards who fell in on either side of her.

"W-wait a minute desu--" she began, but the Princess was already several steps ahead of her.

The guards prodded her roughly, and she was forced to march forward. Somewhere, somepony was beating out a somber march on a snare drum. She inched forward step by step, the shackles limiting her movement and making the entire journey unbearable.

At the bottom of the stairs stood a large trebuchet. Pyx wasn't quite sure how she had failed to notice it before, and yet there it was. A familiar baby dragon was leaning against the launch lever. He wore a white, wide-brimmed, feathered pimp's hat cocked at a jaunty angle, and when he saw the procession approaching, he flashed them a leering grin.

"Mind if I do the honors?" he asked.

Princess Celestia smiled indulgently.

"Certainly, Spike," she said. "You've probably earned it. Also, it only makes sense seeing as how you're the only one present with opposable thumbs. I'm honestly not even sure why ponies would build a device like this, and yet here it is."

"Here it is," whispered Luna, staring at the device like she knew it well. She still had that faraway look in her eye.

Struggling now, Pyx was seized roughly by the guards and fitted into the sling.

"P-please, Princess Celestia!" she begged. "I-I swear I've learned my lesson, desu! I'll never take over Equestria and put my friends and family in a dungeon again, I swear! Nipah~~!!"

Celestia smiled sadly.

"I wish I could believe you," she said. "But I'm afraid my decision is final. Spike, if you would please."

The baby dragon nodded, and after giving Pyx a brief smirk and salute, he turned to the unicorn with the snare drum.

"Drumroll please!"

The unicorn obliged. Everypony held their breath as the drumroll built, and then finally Spike yanked the lever with a flourish, and the trebuchet launched its payload.

"TUTTURUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~!"

Pyx's long, mournful cry echoed across Equestria until it was out of earshot, as a green streak with a black and white racing stripe arced gracefully against the clear blue sky.

Princess Luna stood, watching in silence until it had vanished into the center of a ghostly, half-visible disc that floated in the afternoon haze.

"Bang, zoom," she said in a solemn whisper. "Straight to the moon!"

# Epilogue: All Ye Who Nipah Must One Day Tutturu

The filly sat alone on a rock. All around her was an endless gray landscape of stone, broken only by craters. The sky was a cold expanse of stars.

She turned to her left. Nothing but rocks and craters as far as the eye could see. She turned to her right. More rocks, and more craters. As far as the eye could see.

She stood up, and began to walk. There weren't any noteworthy landmarks, so she just picked a direction at random. She passed rocks and craters, and then more rocks and more craters. From time to time she would pass small piles of bleached bones, that looked suspiciously like filly-sized pony skeletons. She began to suspect that she was not the first filly unfortunate enough to have displeased the Princess. Perhaps Mommy Twilight, being the favored student, had been more fortunate than she'd realized.

Eventually, Pyx grew tired of walking, and plopped down on the nearest comfortable-looking rock. She stared at her surroundings for awhile. Rocks and craters, as far as the eye could see. She levitated a nearby rock, looked at it for a moment, and then put it down again.

[i]Lonely, isn't it?[/i]

Her head jolted up at the sound of the familiar voice in her head.

"Y-yeah," she said after a moment.

The voice didn't say anything else.

Pyx continued to stare at the rocks and craters for several minutes more.

"So...what is there to do up here desu?" she asked at length. The voice's reply was immediate:

[i]Pretty much what you're doing right now.[/i]

"Oh."

She sat in silence for a while longer. Then, having little else to do, she stood up and began to walk again.

[i]Don't worry, you'll get used to it surprisingly quickly,[/i] said the voice.

"Is there anything up here besides craters and rocks?"

[i]Not really, I'm afraid. But...why don't you go and have a look at what's inside that crater over there?[/i]

Pyx felt her head pulled by some unseen force towards an enormous crater on her left. She trotted towards it curiously, peering over the rim. It looked deep, and very, very dark.

[i]Go down inside it,[/i] the voice encouraged. [i]You'll find a path about halfway around the rim.[/i]

Pyx did as she was instructed, found the path, and descended into the crater. As the smooth stone walls of the bowl rose up around her, it began to grow uncomfortably dark. She lit up her horn, which cast an eerie green light on the path ahead of her.

Though the crater had appeared to be a smooth bowl from above, once she was down here she discovered that enormous boulders littered the surface, making it hard to see exactly where she was headed. The path wove around them in twists and turns, and soon she lost all sense of direction, having only the canopy of the stars overhead to tell her which way was up.

[i]Not much further now,[/i] the voice assured her.

Sure enough, the path made a couple of twists and turns around a cluster of particularly large boulders, and then suddenly the ground leveled out and opened up, and Pyx discovered she was standing almost dead-center at the bottom of the crater. Ahead of her, amazingly enough, was an enormous stone castle.

"Wow..." she said out loud.

[i]Do you like it?[/i]

"It's...really cool desu. Did you...build this?"

[i]Yes, its construction occupied the better part of the first century I was here. In retrospect, I probably could have picked a cheerier location for it, but at the time I was paranoid about being watched by my sister. I knew there was an observatory in Canterlot with a powerful telescope, and so I decided to hide it deep inside this crater, where the light seldom touches.[/i]

"Wow..." said Pyx again.

She went inside. The layout was almost identical to the ruined castle she'd explored in the Everfree Forest, except everything was pristine and well maintained.

[i]I cast a number of protection spells on it,[/i] the voice explained. [i]After all, I didn't want all of my hard work to be undone by a stray meteor or something.[/i]

"That makes sense desu," said Pyx.

Following some strange instinct, she made her way through a series of twisting corridors. The passages of the castle were lit by mysterious glass orbs set in the walls, that ignited when she drew near and faded out when she had moved on.

Eventually, she passed through a narrow doorway into a staircase that spiraled upward for a long, long time. After ascending for what felt like forever, she eventually emerged into an enormous round chamber. Tall windows set at regular intervals provided a view of the gloomy crater spread out below them, and between the windows were shelves stuffed floor to ceiling with books. Most of them appeared to be quite old.

"How did you get all of these books up here?" she asked, somewhat awestruck.

The voice somehow gave her the impression that it was smirking inside her head.

[i]Oh, I have my methods. Perhaps I will teach them to you, if you prove to be worthy of learning my secrets.[/i]

"Worthy?"

However, the voice did not elaborate.

Pyx continued to explore the library, scanning the titles of the volumes in the shelves. Most of them were written in Old Ponish, a difficult language that Mommy Twilight had only begun to teach her, and only then during her rare moments of lucidity.

As if reading her mind, the voice once again spoke up:

[i]Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to learn. And I assure you, there is much that I can teach you. That is...assuming, of course, that you've had quite enough of Twilight Sparkle and her little...'friendship lessons'?[/i]

Pyx hesitated, but then nodded sadly.

"Hai desu," she said. "I'm pretty sure those days are over now."

[i]Yes, well, as I've said, it's a bit lonely up here,[/i] the voice admitted. [i]But you'll get used to it.[/i]

Pyx didn't respond, however. A particular book had caught her attention. It was lying open on a reading-stand near the center of the room. She approached it and scanned the letters, surprised to see that it was in a language she could understand.

"Legend has it," she read aloud, "That on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape."

She turned away from the book, and walked slowly to the nearest window. She stared out at the curving rock-strewn bowl of the crater, and the endless starry expanse overhead.

"Nightmare Moon?" she asked suddenly.

[i]Yes, Pyx?[/i]

"How long is a thousand years?"

The voice laughed.

[i]Oh, it's not as long as you think, child. It's not as long as you think.[/i]

Pyx smiled, continuing to stare out the window. Her gaze was drawn upward, towards the stars, and for the first time she noticed how beautiful they were.

"I'm glad to hear that," she said.

She looked up at the stars, and her smile widened.

"Tutturu~~!"