---
title: PRIVATE LIVES Part Two
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[MUSIC]

INTERMISSION

---

[WHIMSICAL PIANO MUSIC]

---

## LOUISE:
L'appartement d'Amanda à Paris.

---

## LOUISE:
Quelques jours se sont passé.

---

## LOUISE:
Il est environ dix heures du soir.

---

## LOUISE:
Les fenêtres sont ouvertes et les bruits divers de la rue parisienne peuvent être entendus.

---

## LOUISE:
Amanda et Elyot ont fini de dîner et s'attardent avec du café et des digestifs.

---

[MUSIC FADES]

---

## AMANDA:
I’m glad we let Louise go.

---

## AMANDA:
I am afraid she is going to have a cold.

---

## ELYOT:
Going to have a cold;

---

## ELYOT:
she’s been grunting and snorting all the evening like a whole herd of bison.

---

## AMANDA:
Bison never sounds right to me somehow.

---

## AMANDA:
I have a feeling it ought to be bisons,

---

## AMANDA:
a flock of bisons.

---

## ELYOT:
You might even say a covey of bisons, or a school of bisons.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, lovely. The Royal London School of Bisons.

---

## AMANDA:
Do you think Louise is happy at home?

---

## ELYOT:
No, profoundly miserable.

---

## AMANDA:
Family beastly to her?

---

## ELYOT:
Absolutely vile. Knock her about dreadfully I expect,

---

## ELYOT:
make her eat the most disgusting food, and pull her fringe.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, poor Louise.

---

## ELYOT:
Well, you know what the French are.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes. I know what the Hungarians are too.

---

## ELYOT:
What are they?

---

## AMANDA:
Very wistful.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s all those pretzels I shouldn’t wonder.

---

## ELYOT:
And the Poostza;

---

## ELYOT:
I always felt the Poostza was far too big, Danube or no Danube.

---

## AMANDA:
Have you ever crossed the Sahara on a Camel?

---

## ELYOT:
Frequently. When I was a boy we used to do it all the time.

---

## ELYOT:
My grandmother had a lovely seat on a camel.

---

## AMANDA:
There’s no doubt about it, foreign travel’s the thing.

---

## ELYOT:
Want some more brandy?

---

## AMANDA:
Just a little.

---

## ELYOT:
I’m glad we didn’t go out tonight.

---

## AMANDA:
Or last night.

---

## ELYOT:
Or the night before.

---

## AMANDA:
There’s no reason to, really, when we’re so cozy here.

---

## ELYOT:
Exactly.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s nice, isn’t it?

---

## ELYOT:
Strangely peaceful.

---

## ELYOT:
It’s an awfully bad reflection on our characters.

---

## ELYOT:
We ought to be absolutely tortured with conscience.

---

## AMANDA:
We are, every now and then.

---

## ELYOT:
Not nearly enough.

---

## AMANDA:
We sent Victor and Sibyl a nice note from wherever it was; what more can they want?

---

## ELYOT:
You’re even more ruthless than I am.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t believe in crying over my bridge before I’ve eaten it.

---

## ELYOT:
Very sensible.

---

## AMANDA:
Personally I feel grateful for a miraculous escape.

---

## AMANDA:
I should never have been happy with Victor.

---

## AMANDA:
I was a fool ever to consider it.

---

## ELYOT:
You did a little more than consider it.

---

## AMANDA:
Well, you can’t talk.

---

## ELYOT:
I wonder if they've met each other, or whether they’re suffering alone.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, don’t let’s think about it, it really does make one feel rather awful.

---

## ELYOT:
I suppose one or other of both of them will turn up here eventually.

---

## AMANDA:
Bound to; it won’t be very nice, will it?

---

## ELYOT:
Perfectly horrible.

---

## AMANDA:
Do you realize that we are living in sin?

---

## ELYOT:
Not according to the Catholics;

---

## ELYOT:
Catholics don’t recognize divorce.

---

## ELYOT:
We’re married as much as ever we were.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, darling, but we’re not Catholics.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh never mind, it’s nice to think they’d sort of back us up.

---

## ELYOT:
We were married in the eyes of heaven, and we still are.

---

## AMANDA:
We may be alright in the eyes of Heaven, but we’re in a hell of a mess socially.

---

## ELYOT:
Who cares?

---

## AMANDA:
Will we marry again, when Victor and Sibyl divorce us?

---

## ELYOT:
I suppose so. What do you think?

---

## AMANDA:
I feel rather scared of marriage really.

---

## ELYOT:
It is a frowsy business.

---

## AMANDA:
I believe it was just the fact of our being married,

---

## AMANDA:
and clamped together publicly, that wrecked us before.

---

## ELYOT:
That, and not knowing how to manage each other.

---

## AMANDA:
Do you think we know how to manage each other now?

---

## ELYOT:
This week’s been highly successful.

---

## ELYOT:
We’ve hardly used Solomon Issacs at all.

---

## AMANDA:
Solomon Issacs is so long, let’s shorten it to Sollocks.

---

## ELYOT:
All right.

---

## AMANDA:
Darling, you do look awfully sweet in your little dressing gown.

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, it's pretty ravishing, isn’t it?

---

## AMANDA:
Do you mind if I come round and kiss you?

---

## ELYOT:
A pleasure, Lady Agatha.

---

## AMANDA:
What fools we were to subject ourselves to five years’ unnecessary suffering.

---

## ELYOT:
Perhaps it wasn’t unnecessary,

---

## ELYOT:
perhaps it mellowed and perfected us like beautiful ripe fruit.

---

## AMANDA:
When we were together,

---

## AMANDA:
did you really think I was unfaithful to you?

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, practically every day.

---

## AMANDA:
So did I;

---

## AMANDA:
I used to torture myself with visions of you

---

## AMANDA:
bouncing about on divans with awful widows.

---

## ELYOT:
Why widows?

---

## AMANDA:
I was thinking of Claire Lavenham really.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, Claire.

---

## AMANDA:
What did you say “Oh, Claire” like that for?

---

## AMANDA:
It sounded far too careless to me.

---

## ELYOT:
What a lovely creature she was.

---

## AMANDA:
Lovely, lovely, lovely!

---

## ELYOT:
Darling!

---

## AMANDA:
Did you ever have an affair with her?

---

## AMANDA:
Afterwards I mean?

---

## ELYOT:
Why do you want to know?

---

## AMANDA:
Curiosity, I suppose.

---

## ELYOT:
Dangerous.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh not now, not dangerous now.

---

## AMANDA:
I wouldn’t expect you to have been celibate during those five years,

---

## AMANDA:
any more than I was.

---

## ELYOT:
What?

---

## AMANDA:
After all, Claire was undeniably attractive.

---

## AMANDA:
A trifle over vivacious I always thought,

---

## AMANDA:
but that was probably because she was fundamentally stupid.

---

## ELYOT:
What do you mean about not being celibate during those five years?

---

## AMANDA:
What do you think I mean?

---

## ELYOT:
Oh God

---

## AMANDA:
What’s the matter?

---

## ELYOT:
You know perfectly well what’s the matter.

---

## AMANDA:
You mustn’t be unreasonable,

---

## AMANDA:
I was only trying to stamp out the memory of you.

---

## AMANDA:
I expect your affairs far outnumbered mine anyhow.

---

## ELYOT:
That is a little different. I’m a man.

---

## AMANDA:
Excuse me while I get a caraway biscuit and change my crinoline.

---

## ELYOT:
It doesn’t suit women to be promiscuous.

---

## AMANDA:
It doesn’t suit men for women to be promiscuous.

---

## ELYOT:
Very modern dear;
really, your advanced views quite startle me.

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t be cross, Elyot, I haven’t been so dreadfully loose actually.

---

## AMANDA:

Five years is a long time,

---

## AMANDA:
and even if I did nip off with someone every now and again,

---

## AMANDA:
they were none of them very serious.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, do stop it please -

---

## AMANDA:
Well, what about you?

---

## ELYOT:
Do you want me to tell you?

---

## AMANDA:
No, no, no.

---

## AMANDA:
I take everything back-

## ELYOT:
I was madly in love with a woman in South Africa!

---

## AMANDA:
We’re tormenting one another. Sit down, sweet, I’m scared.

---

## AMANDA:
We should have said Sollocks ages ago.

---

## ELYOT:
We’re in love all right.

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t say it so bitterly.

---

## AMANDA:
Let’s try to get the best out of it this time,
instead of the worst.

---

## ELYOT:
Hand, please.

---

## AMANDA:
Here.

---

## ELYOT:
More comfortable?

---

## AMANDA:
Much, much more.

---

## ELYOT:
Are you engaged for this dance?

---

## AMANDA:
Funnily enough I was, but my partner was suddenly taken ill.

---

## ELYOT:
It’s this damned smallpox epidemic.

---

## AMANDA:
No, as a matter of fact it was kidney trouble.

---

[MUSIC]

---

## ELYOT:
You’ll dance it with me I hope?

---

## AMANDA:
I shall be charmed.

---

[CHA-CHA MUSIC]

---

## ELYOT:
Quite a good floor, isn’t it?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, I think it needs a little Borax.

---

## ELYOT:
I love Borax.

---

## AMANDA:
Is that the Grand Duchess Olga lying under the piano?

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, her husband died a few weeks ago, you know, on his way back from Pulborough. So sad.

---

## AMANDA:
What on earth was he doing in Pulborough?

---

## ELYOT:
Nobody knows exactly,

---

## ELYOT:
but there have been the usual stories.

---

## AMANDA:
I see.

---

## ELYOT:
Delightful parties Lady Bundle always gives, doesn’t she?

---

## AMANDA:
Entrancing. Such a dear old lady.

---

## ELYOT:
And so gay: Did you notice her at supper blowing all those shrimps through her ear trumpet?

---

## ELYOT:
What are you thinking about?

---

## AMANDA:
Nothing in particular.

---

## ELYOT:
Come on, I know that face.

---

## AMANDA:
Poor Sibyl.

---

## ELYOT:
Sibyl?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, I suppose she loves you terribly.

---

## ELYOT:
Not as much as all that; she didn’t have a chance to get really under way.

---

## AMANDA:
I expect she’s dreadfully unhappy.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, do shut up, Amanda, we’ve had all that out before.

---

## AMANDA:
We’ve certainly been spending a lot of time trying to justify ourselves.

---

## ELYOT:
It isn’t a question of justifying ourselves;

---

## ELYOT:
it’s the true values of the situation that are really important.

---

## ELYOT:
We knew from the moment we saw one another again there was no use going on.

---

## ELYOT:
We knew it instantly really,

---

## ELYOT:
although we tried to pretend to ourselves that we didn’t.

---

## ELYOT:
What we’ve got to be thankful for is that we made the break straight away, and not later.

---

## AMANDA:
You think we would have done it eventually?

---

## ELYOT:
Of course, and things would have been in a worse mess than they are now.

---

## AMANDA:
And what if we’d never happened to meet again.

---

## AMANDA:
Would you be quite happy with Sibyl?

---

## ELYOT:
I expect so.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, Elyot!

---

## ELYOT:
You needn’t look so stricken.

---

## ELYOT:
It would have been the same with you and Victor.

---

## ELYOT:

Life would have been smooth, and amicable, and quite charming, wouldn’t it?

---

## AMANDA:
Poor dear Victor. He certainly did love me.

---

## ELYOT:
Splendid.

---

## AMANDA:
When I met him I was so lonely and depressed,

---

## AMANDA:
I felt that I was getting old and crumbling away unwanted.

---

## ELYOT:
It certainly is horrid when one begins to crumble.

---

## AMANDA:
Victor used to look at me hopelessly like a spaniel,

---

## AMANDA:
and I sort of melted like snow in the sunlight.

---

## ELYOT:
That must have been an edifying spectacle.

---

## AMANDA:
Victor really had a great charm.

---

## ELYOT:
You must tell me all about it.

---

## AMANDA:
He had a positive mania for looking after me, and protecting me.

---

## ELYOT:
That would have died down in time, dear.

---

## AMANDA:
No need to be rude; there’s no necessity to be rude.

---

## ELYOT:
I wasn’t in the least rude; I merely made a perfectly rational statement.

---

## AMANDA:
Your voice was decidedly bitter.

---

## ELYOT:
Victor had glorious legs, hadn’t he? And fascinating ears.

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t be silly.

---

## ELYOT:
He probably looked radiant in the morning, all flushed and tumbled on the pillow.

---

## AMANDA:
I never saw him on the pillow.

---

## ELYOT:
I’m surprised to hear it.

---

## AMANDA:
Elyot!

---

## ELYOT:
There’s no need to be cross.

---

## AMANDA:
What did you mean by that?

---

## ELYOT:
I’m sick of listening to you yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yapping about Victor.

---

## AMANDA:
Now listen Elyot, once and for all -

---

## ELYOT:
Oh my dear, Sollocks! Sollocks!

## AMANDA:
But -

---

## ELYOT:
Two minutes! Sollocks!

---

---

## ELYOT:
That was a near thing.

---

## AMANDA:
It was my fault. I’m terribly sorry, darling.

---

## ELYOT:
I was very irritating, I know I was.

---

## ELYOT:
I’m sure Victor was awfully nice, and you’re perfectly right to be sweet about him.

---

## AMANDA:
That’s downright handsome of you. Sweetheart!

---

## ELYOT:
I think I love you more than ever before. Isn’t it ridiculous?

---

## ELYOT:
Come on, put your feet up.

---

## AMANDA:
Comfortable?

---

## ELYOT:
Almost, wait a minute.

---

## AMANDA:
How long, Oh Lord, how long?

---

## ELYOT:
What do you mean, “How long, Oh Lord, how long?”

---

## AMANDA:
This is far too perfect to last.

---

## ELYOT:
You have no faith, that’s what’s wrong with you.

---

## AMANDA:
Absolutely none.

---

## ELYOT:
Don’t you believe in-?

---

## AMANDA:
No, do you?

---

## ELYOT:
No. What about- ?

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, dear no.

---

## ELYOT:
Don’t you believe in anything?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, I believe in being kind to everyone,

---

## AMANDA:
and in giving money to old beggar women,

---

## AMANDA:
and in being as gay as possible.

---

## ELYOT:
What about after we’re dead?

---

## AMANDA:
I think a rather gloomy little merging into everything, don’t you?

---

## ELYOT:
I hope not; I’m a bad merger.

---

## AMANDA:
You won’t know a thing about it.

---

## ELYOT:
I hope for glorious oblivion, like being under gas.

---

## AMANDA:
I always dream the most peculiar things under gas.

---

## ELYOT:
Would you be young always? If you could choose?

---

## AMANDA:
No, I don’t think so.

---

## AMANDA:
Especially if it meant having those awful bull’s glands shot into me.

---

## ELYOT:
Cow glands for you, dear. Bulls for me.

---

## AMANDA:
We certainly live in a marvelous age.

---

## ELYOT:
Too marvelous.

---

## ELYOT:
It’s alright if you're a specialist at something,

---

## ELYOT:
then you’re too concentrated to pay attention to all the things going on.

---

## ELYOT:
But, for the ordinary observer, it’s too much.

---

## AMANDA:
Far, far too much.

---

## ELYOT:
Take the radio for instance.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh darling, don’t let’s take the radio.

---

## ELYOT:
Well, televisions then, or aeroplanes, or Cosmic Atoms, or those gland injections we were talking about just now.

---

## AMANDA:
It must be so nasty for those poor animals, being experimented on.

---

## ELYOT:
Not if the experiments are successful.

---

## ELYOT:
Why in Vienna I believe you can see whole lines of decrepit old rats carrying on like the Moulin Rouge.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, how very, very sweet.

---

## ELYOT:
I do love you so.

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t blow, dear heart, it gives me the shivers.

---

## ELYOT:
Swivel your face round a bit more.

---

## AMANDA:
That better?

---

## ELYOT:
Very nice, thank you kindly.

---

## AMANDA:
Darling, you’re so terribly, terribly dear, and sweet, and attractive.

---

## ELYOT:
We were raving, ever to part, even for an instant.

---

## AMANDA:
Utter imbeciles.

---

## ELYOT:
I knew it almost instantly, didn’t you?

---

## AMANDA:
Long before we got our decree.

---

## ELYOT:
My heart broke on that damned trip round the world.

---

## ELYOT:
I saw the most beautiful things, darling.

---

## ELYOT:
Moonlight shining on old temples,

---

## ELYOT:
strange dances in jungle villages,

---

## ELYOT:
scarlet flamingoes flying over deep, deep blue water.

---

## ELYOT:
Breathlessly lovely, and completely unexciting

---

## ELYOT:
because you weren’t there to see them with me.

---

## AMANDA:
Take me, take me at once,

---

## AMANDA:
let’s make up for lost time.

---

## ELYOT:
Next week?

---

## AMANDA:
Tomorrow.

---

## ELYOT:
Done.

---

## AMANDA:
I must see those dear flamingoes.

---

## AMANDA:
Eight years all told, we’ve loved each other.

---

## AMANDA:
Three married and five divorced.

---

## ELYOT:
Angel. Angel. Angel.

---

## AMANDA:
No, Elyot, stop now, stop -

---

## ELYOT:
Why should I stop? You know you adore being made love to.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s so soon after dinner.

---

## ELYOT:
You really do say the most awful things.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t see what's so particularly awful about that.

---

## ELYOT:
No sense of glamor, no sense of glamor at all.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s difficult to feel really glamorous with a crick in one's neck.

---

## ELYOT:
Why didn’t you say you had a crick in your neck?

---

## AMANDA:
It’s gone now.

---

## ELYOT:
How convenient.

---

---

## AMANDA:
I want one please.

---

## ELYOT:
Here.

---

## AMANDA:
Light?

---

## ELYOT:
Wait a minute, can’t you?

---

## AMANDA:
Chivalrous little love.

---

## ELYOT:
Here.

---

## AMANDA:
Thank you very much indeed.

---

## ELYOT:
You really can be more irritating than anyone in the world.

---

## AMANDA:
I fail to see what I’ve done that’s so terribly irritating.

---

## ELYOT:
You have no tact.

---

## AMANDA:
Tact. You have no consideration.

---

## ELYOT:
Too soon after dinner indeed.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, much too soon.

---

## ELYOT:
That sort of remark shows rather a common sort of mind--

---

## AMANDA:
Oh it does, does it?

---

## ELYOT:
Very unpleasant, makes me shudder.

---

## AMANDA:
Causing all this fuss just because your silly vanity is a little upset.

---

## ELYOT:
Vanity: What do you mean, vanity?

---

## AMANDA:
You can’t bear the thought that there are certain moments

---

## AMANDA:
when our chemical, what d’you call ‘ems, don’t fuse properly.

---

## ELYOT:
Chemical what d’you call ‘ems:

---

## ELYOT:
Please try to be more explicit.

---

## AMANDA:
You know what I mean, don’t try to patronize me.

---

## ELYOT:
Now see here, Amanda -

---

## AMANDA:
Darling, Sollocks! Oh, for God’s sake, Sollocks!

---

## ELYOT:
But -

## AMANDA:
Sollocks, Sollock, Oh dear – triple Sollocks!

---

## AMANDA:
Big romantic stuff, darling.

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, big romantic stuff.

---

---

[MUSIC]

_The whispers in the morning_

---

## ELYOT:
You’re the most thrilling, exciting woman that was ever born.

---

## AMANDA:
Dearest, dearest heart –

---

_Are rolling like thunder now
As I look in your eyes_

---

_I hold on to your body
And feel each move you make_

---

_Your voice is warm and tender
A love that I could not forsake_

---

_'Cause I am your--_

[PHONE RINGS]

---

## ELYOT:
Good God!

---

## AMANDA:
Do you think it’s them?

---

## ELYOT:
I wonder.

---

## AMANDA:
Nobody knows we’re here except Freda, and she wouldn’t ring up.

---

## ELYOT:
It must be them then.

---

## AMANDA:
What are we to do?

---

## ELYOT:
We’re all right darling, whatever happens?

---

## AMANDA:
Now and always, Sweet.

---

## ELYOT:
I don’t care then.

---

## AMANDA:
It was bound to happen sooner or later.

---

## ELYOT:
Hallo?

---

## ELYOT:
Hallo?-hallo-what- comment? Madame, qui?

---

## ELYOT:
‘Allo-‘allo-oui c’est ca.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, Madame Duvallon – Oui, oui, oui.

---

## ELYOT:
It’s only somebody wanting to talk to the dear Madame Duvallon.

---

## AMANDA:
Who’s she?

---

## ELYOT:
I haven’t the faintest idea.

---

## ELYOT:
Je regrette beaucoup, Monsieur, mais Madame Duvallon viens de partir cette après-midi, pour Madagascar.

---

## ELYOT:
Whew; that gave me a fright.

---

## AMANDA:
It sent shivers up my spine.

---

## ELYOT:
What shall we do if they suddenly walk in on us?

---

## AMANDA:
Behave exquisitely.

---

## ELYOT:
With the most perfect poise?

---

## AMANDA:
Certainly, I shall probably do a Court Curtsey.

---

## ELYOT:
Things that ought to matter dreadfully, don’t matter at all when one’s happy, do they?

---

## AMANDA:
What is so horrible is that one can’t stay happy.

---

## ELYOT:
Don’t say that, darling.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s true. The whole business is a very poor joke.

---

## ELYOT:
Meaning that sacred and beautiful thing, Love?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, meaning just that.

---

## ELYOT:
What does it all mean, that’s what I ask myself in my ceaseless quest for ultimate truth.

---

## ELYOT:
Dear God, what does it all mean?

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t laugh at me, I’m serious.

---

## ELYOT:
You mustn’t be serious, darling; it’s just what they want.

---

## AMANDA:
Who’s they?

---

## ELYOT:
All the futile moralists who try to make life unbearable.

---

## ELYOT:
Laugh at them. Be flippant.

---

## ELYOT:
Laugh at everything, all the sacred shibboleths.

---

## ELYOT:
Laughter brings out the acid in their damned sweetness and light.

---

## AMANDA:
If I laugh at them, I must laugh at us too.

---

## ELYOT:
Certainly you must. We’re figures of fun all right.

---

## AMANDA:
How long will it last,

---

## AMANDA:
this ludicrous, overbearing love of ours?

---

## ELYOT:
Who knows?

---

## AMANDA:
Shall we always want to bicker and fight?

---

## ELYOT:
No, that desire will fade, along with our passion.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh dear, shall we like that?

---

## ELYOT:
It all depends on how well we’ve played.

---

## AMANDA:
What if one of us dies?

---

## AMANDA:
Does the one that’s left still laugh?

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, yes, with all his might.

---

## AMANDA:
That’s serious enough, isn’t it?

---

## ELYOT:
No, no, it isn’t.

---

## ELYOT:
Death’s highly laughable, such a cunning little mystery. All done with mirrors.

---

## AMANDA:
Darling, I believe you’re talking nonsense.

---

## ELYOT:
So is everyone else in the long run.

---

## ELYOT:
Let’s be superficial and pity the poor philosophers.

---

## ELYOT:
Let’s blow trumpets and squeakers, and enjoy the party as long as we can,

---

## ELYOT:
like very small, quite idiotic school children.

---

## ELYOT:
Let’s savor the delight of the moment.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh my darling, kiss me,

---

## ELYOT:
before your body rots, and worms pop in and out of your eye sockets.

---

## AMANDA:
Elyot, worms don’t pop.

---

## ELYOT:
I don’t care what you do, see?

---

## ELYOT:
You can paint yourself bright green all over,

---

## ELYOT:
and dance naked in the Place Vendome,

---

## ELYOT:
and dash off madly with all the men in the world,

---

## ELYOT:
and I shan’t say a word, as long as you love me best.

---

## AMANDA:
Thank you, dear. The same applies to you,

---

## AMANDA:
except if I catch you so much as looking at another woman,

---

## AMANDA:
I’ll kill you.

---

---

## ELYOT:
Do you remember that awful scene we had in Venice?

---

## AMANDA:
Which particular one?

---

## ELYOT:
The one when you bought that little painted wooden snake on the Piazza, and put it in my bed.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, Charles. That was his name, Charles.

---

## AMANDA:
He did wriggle so beautifully.

---

## ELYOT:
Horrible thing, I hated it.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, I know.

---

## AMANDA:
You threw it out of the window into the Grand Canal.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that.

---

## ELYOT:
How long did the row last?

---

## AMANDA:
It went on intermittently for days.

---

## ELYOT:
The worst one was in Cannes

---

## ELYOT:
when your curling iron burnt a hole in my new dressing gown.

---

## AMANDA:
It burnt my comb too, and all the towels in the bathroom.

---

## ELYOT:
That was a rouser, wasn’t it?

---

## AMANDA:
The manager came in and found us rolling on the floor like panthers, oh dear.

---

## ELYOT:
I shall never forget his face.

---

## AMANDA:
How ridiculous, how utterly ridiculous.

---

## ELYOT:
We were very much younger then.

---

## AMANDA:
And very much sillier.

---

## ELYOT:
As a matter of fact the real cause of that row was Peter Burden.

---

## AMANDA:
You knew there was nothing in that.

---

## ELYOT:
I didn’t know anything of the sort, you took presents from him.

---

## AMANDA:
Presents? Only a trivial little brooch.

---

## ELYOT:
I remember it well, bristling with diamonds. In the worst possible taste.

---

## AMANDA:
Not at all, it was very pretty. I still have it, and I wear it often.

---

## ELYOT:
You used to go out of your way to torture me about Peter Burden.

---

## AMANDA:
No, I didn’t, you worked the whole thing up in your jealous imagination.

---

## ELYOT:
You must admit that he was in love with you, wasn’t he?

---

## AMANDA:
Just a little perhaps. Nothing serious.

---

## ELYOT:
You let him kiss you. You said you did.

---

## AMANDA:
Well, what of it?

---

## ELYOT:
What of it!

---

## AMANDA:
It gave him a lot of pleasure, and it didn’t hurt me.

---

## ELYOT:
What about me?

---

## AMANDA:
If you hadn’t been so nosey and suspicious,

---

## AMANDA:
you wouldn't have known a thing about it.

---

## ELYOT:
That’s a nice point of view I must say.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh dear, I’m bored with this conversation.

---

## ELYOT:
So am I, bored stiff.

---

## ELYOT:
Want some brandy?

---

## AMANDA:
No thank you.

---

## ELYOT:
I’ll have a little, I think.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t see why you want it, you’ve already had two glasses.

---

## ELYOT:
No particular reason, anyhow they were very small ones.

---

## AMANDA:
It seems silly to go on, and on, and on with a thing.

---

## ELYOT:
You can hardly call three liqueur glasses in an evening going on, and on, and on.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s becoming a habit with you.

---

## ELYOT:
You needn’t be so grand, just because you don’t happen to want any yourself at the moment.

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t be stupid.

---

## ELYOT:
Really Amanda -

---

## AMANDA:
What?

---

## ELYOT:
Nothing.

---

---

## ELYOT:
Going out somewhere, dear?

---

## AMANDA:
No, just making myself fascinating for you.

---

## ELYOT:
That reply has broken my heart.

---

## AMANDA:
'Tis the woman’s job to allure the man.

---

## AMANDA:
Watch me a minute.

---

## ELYOT:
As a matter of fact that’s perfectly true.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, no, it isn’t.

---

## ELYOT:
Yes it is.

## AMANDA:
Oh be quiet.

---

## ELYOT:
It’s a shame you don't have some more brandy;

---

## ELYOT:
it might make you a little less disagreeable.

---

## AMANDA:
It doesn’t seem to have worked such wonders with you.

---

## ELYOT:
Snap, snap, snap; like a little adder.

---

## AMANDA:
Adders don’t snap, they sting.

---

## ELYOT:
Nonsense, they have a little bag of venom behind their fangs and they snap.

---

## AMANDA:
They sting.

## ELYOT:
They snap.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t care, do you hear?

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t mind if they bark, and roll about like hoops.

---

## ELYOT:
Did you see much of Peter Burden after our divorce.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, I did, quite a lot.

---

## ELYOT:
I suppose you let him kiss you a good deal more then.

---

## AMANDA:
Mind your own business.

---

## ELYOT:
You must have had a riotous time.

---

## ELYOT:
No restraint at all – highly enjoyable.

---

## ELYOT
You never had much anyhow.

---

## AMANDA:
You’re quite insufferable;

---

## AMANDA:
I expect it’s because you’re drunk.

---

## ELYOT:
I’m not in the least drunk.

---

## AMANDA:
You always had a weak head.

---

## ELYOT:
I said before that I have only had three minute liqueur glasses of brandy the whole evening long.

---

## ELYOT:
A child of two couldn’t get drunk on that.

---

## AMANDA:
On the contrary, a child of two could get violently drunk on only one glass of brandy.

---

## ELYOT:
Very interesting. How about a child of four, and a child of six, and a child of nine?

---

## AMANDA:
Oh do shut up.

---

## ELYOT:
We might get up a splendid little debate about that, you know, Intemperate Tots.

---

## AMANDA:
Not very funny, dear; you’d better have some more brandy.

---

## ELYOT:
Very good idea, I will.

---

## AMANDA:
Ridiculous ass.

---

## ELYOT:
I beg your pardon.

---

## AMANDA:
I said ridiculous ass!

---

## ELYOT:
Thank you.

---

---

[MUSIC: Escala's "Palladio"]

---

## ELYOT:
You’d better turn that off, I think.

---

## AMANDA:
Why?

---

## ELYOT:
It’s very late and it will annoy the people upstairs.

---

## AMANDA:
There aren’t any people upstairs. It’s a photographer’s studio.

---

## ELYOT:
There are people downstairs, I suppose?

---

## AMANDA:
They’re away in Tunis.

---

## ELYOT:
This is no time of year for Tunis.

---

---

[MUSIC STOPS]

---

## AMANDA:
Turn it back on, please.

---

## ELYOT:
I’ll do no such thing.

---

## AMANDA:
Very well, if you insist on being boorish and idiotic.

---

[MUSIC RESUMES]

---

## ELYOT:
Turn it off. It’s driving me mad.

---

## AMANDA:
You’re far too temperamental. Try to control yourself.

---

## ELYOT:
Turn it off.

---

## AMANDA:
I won’t.

---

---

## AMANDA:
There now, you’ve ruined the record.

---

## ELYOT:
Good job, too.

---

## AMANDA:
Insufferable pig.

---

## ELYOT:
Amanda darling – Sollocks.

---

## AMANDA:
Sollocks yourself!

---

## ELYOT:
You spiteful little beast.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, oh oh -

---

## ELYOT:
Oh wait no, Amanda, I swear I didn’t mean it.

## AMANDA:
I hate you.

---

## ELYOT:
Amanda- listen –listen –

---

## AMANDA:
I’m tired of listening to you, you damned sadistic bully.

---

## ELYOT:
A pretty display I must say.

---

## AMANDA:
Stop laughing like that.

---

## ELYOT:
Very amusing indeed.

---

## AMANDA:
Stop – stop – stop –

---

## AMANDA:
I hate you!

---

## AMANDA:
You’re conceited, and overbearing, and utterly impossible!

---

## ELYOT:
You’re a vile tempered, loose-living; wicked little beast,

---

## ELYOT:
and I hope I never see you again as long as I live.

---

## AMANDA:
This is the end, do you hear? Finally and forever.

---

## ELYOT:
You’re not going like this.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, yes I am.

---

## ELYOT:
You’re not.

---

## AMANDA:
I am; let me go –

---

---

## AMANDA:
You’re a cruel fiend, and I hate and loathe you;

## ELYOT:
Shut up!

---

## AMANDA:
Thank God I’ve realized what you’re really like;

## ELYOT:
Shut up!

---

## AMANDA:
Marry you again?! I’d rather die in torment -

## ELYOT:
I wouldn’t marry you again if you came crawling to me on your bended knees,

---

## ELYOT:
you’re a mean, evil-minded, little vampire –

---

## ELYOT:
I hope to God I never set eyes on you again as long as I live!

## AMANDA:
Beast; brute; swine; cad; beast; beast; brute, devil!

---

[MUSIC CRESCENDOES AND ENDS]

---

[MUSIC: Grace Jones' "La Vie En Rose"]

---

## LOUISE:
_Quand il me prend dans ses bras
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose_

---

## LOUISE:
_Il me dit des mots d'amour
Des mots de tous les jours
Et ça me fait quelque chose_

---

## LOUISE:
_Il est entré dans mon cœur
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause_

---

## LOUISE:
_C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré pour la vie_

---

## LOUISE:
C'est le prochain matin.

---

## LOUISE:
Il est environ huit heures et demie.

---

## LOUISE:
Victor et Sibyl ont tiré les deux canapés devant les portes des deux chambres et maintenant ils dorment sur les canapés.

---

## LOUISE:
Victor est devant la porte d'Amanda, et Sibyl est devant celle d'Elyot.

---

## LOUISE:
La pièce est completement derangée, comme la derniere nuit.

---

## LOUISE:
Il y a un cliquetis d'une clé dans la serrure de la porte d'entrée, et Louise entre.

---

---

## LOUISE:
Oh!

---

## SIBYL:
Oh dear.

---

## LOUISE:
Bon jour, Madame.

---

## SIBYL:
What? – Oh – bon jour.

---

## LOUISE:
Qu’est-ce que vous faites ici, Madame?

---

## SIBYL:
What – what? – Wait a moment,

---

## SIBYL:
attendez un instant – oh dear –

---

## VICTOR:
What’s happened?

---

## VICTOR:
Of course, I remember now. Oh!

---

## LOUISE:
Bon jour, Monseiur.

---

## VICTOR:
Er – bon jour- What time is it?

---

## LOUISE:
Eh, Monsieur?

---

## SIBYL:
Quelle heure est-il, s’il vous plait?

---

## LOUISE:
C’est neuf heures moins dix, Madame.

---

## VICTOR:
What did she say?

---

## SIBYL:
I think she said nearly ten o’clock.

---

## VICTOR:
Er voulez- er-wake-reveillez Monsieur et Madame – er – toute suite?

---

## LOUISE:
Non, Monsieur.

---

## LOUISE:
Il m’est absolutment defendu de les appeler jusqu’a ce qu’ils sonnent.

---

## SIBYL:
What are we to do?

---

## VICTOR:
Wake them ourselves.

---

## SIBYL:
No, no, wait a minute.

---

## VICTOR:
What’s the matter?

---

## SIBYL:
I couldn’t face them yet,

---

## SIBYL:
really, I couldn’t; I feel dreadful.

---

## VICTOR:
So do I. It’s a lovely morning.

---

## SIBYL:
Lovely.

---

## VICTOR:
I say, don’t cry.

---

## SIBYL:
I can’t help it.

---

## VICTOR:
Please don’t, please -

---

## SIBYL:
It’s all so squalid;

---

## SIBYL:
I wish we hadn’t stayed; what’s the use?

---

## VICTOR:
We’ve got to see them before we go back to England,

---

## VICTOR:
we must get things straightened out.

---

## SIBYL:
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I wish I were dead.

---

## VICTOR:
Hush, now, hush. Remember your promise.

---

## VICTOR:
We’ve got to see this through together and get it settled one way or another.

---

## SIBYL:
I’ll try to control myself, only I’m so…so tired,

---

## SIBYL:
I haven’t slept properly for ages.

---

## VICTOR:
Neither have I.

---

## SIBYL:
If we hadn’t arrived when we did...

---

## VICTOR:
They must have been drunk.

---

## SIBYL:
I’d no idea anyone ever behaved like that;

---

## SIBYL:
it’s so disgusting,

---

## SIBYL:
so degrading, Elli of all people – oh dear –

---

## VICTOR:
What an escape you’ve had.

---

## SIBYL:
What an escape we’ve both had.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh! – good morning.

---

## VICTOR:
Oh, Amanda.

---

## AMANDA:
Will you please move this sofa, I can’t get out.

---

## VICTOR:
Where are you going?

---

## AMANDA:
Away.

---

## VICTOR:
You can’t.

## AMANDA:
Why?

---

## VICTOR:
I want to talk to you.

---

## AMANDA:
What on earth is the use of that?

---

## VICTOR:
I must talk to you.

---

## AMANDA:
Well, all I can say is, it’s very inconsiderate.

---

## VICTOR:
Mandy, I -

---

## AMANDA:
I suppose you’re Sibyl; how do you do?

---

## AMANDA:
Well, if you’re going to take up that attitude, I fail to see the point of your coming here at all.

---

## SIBYL:
I came to see Elyot.

---

## AMANDA:
I’ve no wish to prevent you;

---

## AMANDA:
he’s in there, probably wallowing in an alcoholic stupor.

---

## VICTOR:
This is all very unpleasant, Amanda.

---

## AMANDA:
I quite agree, that’s why I want to go away.

---

## VICTOR:
That would be shirking; this must be discussed at length.

---

## AMANDA:
Very well, if you insist,

---

## AMANDA:
but not just now, I don’t feel up to it.

---

## AMANDA:
Has Louise come yet?

---

## VICTOR:
If Louise is the maid, she’s in the kitchen.

---

## AMANDA:
Thank you.

---

## AMANDA:
You probably want some coffee, excuse me a moment.

---

## SIBYL:
Well! How dare she?

---

## VICTOR:
How dare she what?

---

## SIBYL:
Behave so calmly, as though nothing had happened.

---

## VICTOR:
I don’t see what else she could have done.

---

## SIBYL:
Insufferable I call it.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh God.

---

## SIBYL:
Elyot – Elyot –Elyot – Elyot –Elyot -

## ELYOT:
Go away.

---

## SIBYL:
Oh, oh, oh.

---

## VICTOR:
Do pull yourself together for heaven’s sake.

---

## SIBYL:
I can’t, I can’t, I can't –

---

## AMANDA:
I’ve ordered some coffee and rolls, they’ll be here soon.

---

## AMANDA:
I must apologize for the room being so untidy.

---

## VICTOR:
It’s no use crying like that, it doesn’t do any good.

---

## SIBYL:
Elyot, where are you going?

---

## ELYOT:
Canada.

---

## SIBYL:
You can’t go like this, you can’t.

---

## ELYOT:
I see no point in staying.

---

## VICTOR:
You owe it to Sibyl to stay.

---

## ELYOT:
How do you do, I don’t think we’ve met before.

---

## SIBYL:
You must stay, you’ve got to stay.

---

## ELYOT:
Very well, if you insist. I’m afraid the room is rather a mess.

---

## ELYOT:
Have you seen the maid Louise?

---

## VICTOR:
In the kitchen.

---

## ELYOT:
Good. I’ll order some coffee.

---

## VICTOR:
No, your – er- my – er – Amanda has already ordered it.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, I’m glad the old girl’s up and about.

---

## VICTOR:
We’ve got to get things straightened out, you know.

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, it’s pretty awful.

---

## ELYOT:
We’ll call the concierge from downstairs.

---

## VICTOR:
You’re being purposely flippant, but it’s no good.

---

## ELYOT:
Sorry.

---

## VICTOR:
What’s to be done?

---

## ELYOT:
I don’t know.

---

## SIBYL:
It’s all perfectly horrible.

---

## SIBYL:
I feel smirched and unclean as though slimy things had been crawling all over me.

---

## ELYOT:
Maybe they have; that’s a very old sofa.

---

## VICTOR:
If you don’t stop your damned flippancy,

---

## VICTOR:
I’ll knock your head off.

---

## ELYOT:
Has it ever struck you

---

## ELYOT:
that flippancy might cover a very real embarrassment?

---

## VICTOR:
In a situation such as this, it’s in extremely bad taste.

---

## ELYOT:
No worse than bluster and invective.

---

## ELYOT:
As a matter of fact, as far as I know,

---

## ELYOT:
this situation is entirely without precedent.

---

## ELYOT:
We don't have any prescribed etiquette to fall back on.

---

## ELYOT:
I shall continue to be flippant.

---

## SIBYL:
Oh, Elyot, how can you – how can you.

---

## VICTOR:
I’m awfully sorry, Sibyl.

---

## VICTOR:
It’s easy enough to be sorry.

---

## ELYOT:
On the contrary. I find it exceedingly difficult.

---

## ELYOT:
I seldom regret anything.

---

## ELYOT:
This is a very rare and notable exception, a sort of red letter day.

---

## ELYOT:
We must all make the most of it.

---

## SIBYL:
I’ll never forgive you, never.

---

## SIBYL:
I wouldn’t have believed anyone could be so callous and cruel.

---

## ELYOT:
I absolutely see your point,

---

## ELYOT:
and as I said before, I’m sorry.

---

---

## AMANDA:
What! Breakfast not ready yet?

---

## AMANDA:
Really, these French servants are too slow for words.

---

## AMANDA:
What a glorious day.

---

## AMANDA:
I do love Paris, it’s so genuinely gay.

---

## AMANDA:
Those lovely trees in the Champs Elysees,

---

## AMANDA:
and the little roundabouts for the children to play on,

---

## AMANDA:
and those shiny red taxis.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh look! You can see Sacre Coeur quite clearly today;

---

## AMANDA:
sometimes it’s a bit misty, particularly in August,

---

## AMANDA:
all the heat rising up from the pavement you know.

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, dear, we know.

---

## AMANDA:
And it’s lovely being so high up.

---

## AMANDA:
I found this flat three years ago, quite by merest chance.

---

## AMANDA:
I was staying at the Plaza Athenee, just down the road--

---

## ELYOT:
Such a nice little hotel, with an enchanting courtyard with a fountain that goes

---

## ELYOT:
plopplopplopplopplopplopplopplopplop–

---

## VICTOR:
This is ridiculous Amanda.

---

## AMANDA:
Now, Victor, I refuse to discuss anything in the least important until after breakfast.

---

## ELYOT:
Plopplpplopplopplopplopp--

## AMANDA:
I couldn’t concentrate now, I know I couldn’t.

---

## ELYOT:
What manner. What poise. How I envy it.

---

## ELYOT:
To be able to carry off the most embarrassing situation

---

## ELYOT:
with such tact, and delicacy,

---

## ELYOT:
and above all – such subtlety.

---

## ELYOT:
Go on Amanda,

---

## ELYOT:
you’re making everything so much easier.

---

## ELYOT:
We shall be playing charades in a minute.

---

## AMANDA:
Please don’t address me,

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t wish to speak to you.

---

## ELYOT:
Splendid.

---

## AMANDA:
And what’s more, I never shall again as long as I live.

---

## ELYOT:
I shall endeavor to rise above it.

---

## AMANDA:
You’re an unmitigated cad, and a bully.

---

## ELYOT:
And you’re an ill-mannered, bad-tempered slattern.

---

## AMANDA:
Slattern, indeed.

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, slattern, slattern, slattern, and fishwife.

---

## VICTOR:
Keep your mouth shut, you swine.

---

## ELYOT:
Mind your own damned business.

---

## SIBYL:
Stop, stop, it’s no use going on like this.

---

## SIBYL:
Stop, please. Help me, do, do, do, help me -

---

## AMANDA:
I’m not going to interfere. Let them fight if they want to;

---

## AMANDA:
it will probably clear the air anyhow.

---

## SIBYL:
Yes, but –

---

## AMANDA:
Come into my room; perhaps you’d like to wash or something.

---

## SIBYL:
No, but –

---

## AMANDA:
Come along.

---

## SIBYL:
Very well.

---

## VICTOR:
Now then!

---

## ELYOT:
Now then what?

---

## VICTOR:
Are you going to take back those things you said to Amanda?

---

## ELYOT:
I’ll take back anything you like, only stop bellowing at me.

---

## VICTOR:
You’re a coward too.

---

## ELYOT:
They want us to fight, don’t you see?

---

## VICTOR:
No, I don’t, why should they?

---

## ELYOT:
Primitive feminine instincts – warring males – very enjoyable.

---

## VICTOR:
You think you’re very clever, don’t you?

---

## ELYOT:
I think I’m a bit cleverer than you, but apparently that’s not saying much.

---

## VICTOR:
What?

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, do sit down.

---

## VICTOR:
I will not.

---

## ELYOT:
I will; I’m extremely tired.

---

## VICTOR:
Oh, for God’s sake, behave like a man.

---

## ELYOT:
All this belligerency is very right and proper and highly traditional,

---

## ELYOT:
but if only you’ll think for a moment, you’ll see that it won’t do us any good.

---

## VICTOR:
To hell with all that.

---

## ELYOT:
I should like to explain that if you hit me, I shall certainly hit you,

---

## ELYOT:
probably equally hard, if not harder.

---

## ELYOT:
I’m just as strong as you, I should imagine.

---

## ELYOT:
Then you’d hit me again, and I’d hit you again,

---

## ELYOT:
and we’d go on until one or the other was knocked out.

---

## ELYOT:
Now if you can explain to me satisfactorily how all that can possibly improve the situation,

---

## ELYOT:
I'll tear off my coat and we’ll go at one another hammer and tongs, immediately.

---

## VICTOR:
It would ease my mind.

---

## ELYOT:
Only if you won.

---

## VICTOR:
I should win all right.

---

## ELYOT:
Want to try?

---

## VICTOR:
Yes.

---

## ELYOT:
Here goes then –

---

## VICTOR:
Just a moment.

---

## ELYOT:
Well?

---

## VICTOR:
What did you mean about them wanting us to fight?

---

## ELYOT:
It would be balm to their vanity.

---

## VICTOR:
Do you love Amanda?

---

## ELYOT:
Is this a battle or a discussion?

---

## ELYOT:
If it’s the latter I shall put on my coat again; I don’t want to catch a chill.

---

## VICTOR:
Answer my question, please.

---

## ELYOT:
Have a cigarette?

## VICTOR:
Answer my question.

---

## ELYOT:
If you analyze it, it’s rather a silly question.

---

## VICTOR:
Do you love Amanda?

## ELYOT:
No.

---

## ELYOT:
Do you love her?

---

## VICTOR:
That’s beside the point.

---

## ELYOT:
On the contrary, it’s the crux of the whole affair.

---

## ELYOT:
If you do love her still, you can forgive her,

---

## ELYOT:
and live with her in peace and harmony until you’re ninety-eight.

---

## VICTOR:
You’re apparently even more of a cad than I thought you were.

---

## ELYOT:
You’re completely in the right over the whole business,

---

## ELYOT:
don’t imagine I’m not perfectly conscious of that.

---

## VICTOR:
I’m glad.

---

## ELYOT:
It’s all very unfortunate.

---

## VICTOR:
Unfortunate: My God!

---

## ELYOT:
It might have been worse.

---

## VICTOR:
I’m glad you think so.

---

## ELYOT:
I do wish you’d stop being so glad about everything.

---

## VICTOR:
What do you intend to do?

---

## VICTOR:
That’s what I want to know.

---

## VICTOR:
What do you intend to do?

---

## ELYOT:
I don’t know, I don’t care.

---

## VICTOR:
I suppose you realize that you’ve broken that poor little woman’s heart?

---

## ELYOT:
Which poor little woman?

---

## VICTOR:
Sibyl, of course.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh, come now, not as bad as that.

---

## ELYOT:
She’ll get over it, and forget all about me.

---

## VICTOR:
I sincerely hope so…for her sake.

---

## ELYOT:
Amanda will forget all about me too. Everybody will forget all about me.

---

## ELYOT:
I might just as well lie down and die in fearful pain and suffering, nobody would care.

---

## VICTOR:
Don’t talk such rot.

---

## ELYOT:
You must forgive me for taking rather a gloomy view of everything

---

## ELYOT:
but the fact is, I suddenly feel slightly depressed.

---

## VICTOR:
I intended to divorce Amanda, naming you as co-respondent.

---

## ELYOT:
Very well.

## VICTOR:
And Sibyl will divorce you for Amanda.

---

## VICTOR:
It would be foolish of either of you to attempt any defense.

---

## ELYOT:
Quite.

## VICTOR:
And the sooner you marry Amanda again, the better.

---

## ELYOT:
I’m not going to marry Amanda.

---

## VICTOR:
What?

---

## ELYOT:
She’s a vile-tempered, wicked woman.

---

## VICTOR:
You should have thought of that before.

---

## ELYOT:
I did think of it before.

---

## VICTOR:
You’ve got to marry her.

---

## ELYOT:
I’d rather marry a ravening leopard.

---

## VICTOR:
Now look here. I’m sick of all this shilly-shallying.

---

## VICTOR:
You’re getting off a good deal more lightly than you deserve

---

## VICTOR:
you can consider yourself damned lucky I didn’t shoot you.

---

## ELYOT:
Well, if you’d had a spark of manliness in you, you would have shot me.

---

## ELYOT:
You’re all fuss and fume, one of those cotton wool Englishmen.

---

## ELYOT:
I despise you.

---

## VICTOR:
You despise me?

---

## ELYOT:
Yes, utterly.

---

## ELYOT:
You’re nothing but a rampaging gas bag!

---

---

## AMANDA:
Well, what’s happened?

---

## VICTOR:
Nothing’s happened.

---

## AMANDA:
You ought to be ashamed to admit it.

---

## SIBYL:
Where’s Elyot?

---

## VICTOR:
In there.

## AMANDA:
What’s he doing?

---

## VICTOR:
How do I know what he’s doing?

---

## AMANDA:
If you were half the man I thought you were, he’d be bandaging himself.

---

## SIBYL:
Elyot’s just as strong as Victor.

---

## AMANDA:
I should like it proved.

---

## SIBYL:
There’s no need to be so vindictive.

---

## AMANDA:
You were abusing Elyot like a pickpocket to me a moment ago,

---

## AMANDA:
now you are defending him.

---

## SIBYL:
I’m beginning to suspect that he wasn’t quite so much to blame as I thought.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, really?

---

## SIBYL:
You certainly have a very unpleasant temper.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s a little difficult to keep up with your rapid changes of front,

---

## AMANDA:
but you’re young and inexperienced,

---

## AMANDA:
so I forgive you freely.

---

## SIBYL:
Seeing the depths of degradation to which age and experience have brought you,

---

## SIBYL:
I’m glad I’m as I am!

---

## AMANDA:
That was exceedingly rude,

---

## AMANDA:
I think perhaps you’d better go away somewhere.

---

## SIBYL:
After all, Elyot is my husband.

---

## AMANDA:
By all means, take him with you.

---

## SIBYL:
If you’re not very careful, I will!

---

## SIBYL:
Elyot, let me in.

---

## AMANDA:
Heaven preserve me from nice women!

---

## SIBYL:
Your own reputation ought to do that.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh, go to hell!

---

## AMANDA:
Victor.

---

## VICTOR:
What?

---

## AMANDA:
Nothing.

---

---

## VICTOR:
Where does it go?

---

## AMANDA:
Over there.

---

## AMANDA:
Thank you, Victor.

---

## VICTOR:
Don’t mention it.

---

## AMANDA:
What did you say to Elyot.

---

## VICTOR:
I told him he was beneath contempt.

---

## AMANDA:
Good.

---

## VICTOR:
I think you must be mad, Amanda.

---

## AMANDA:
I’ve often thought that myself.

---

## VICTOR:
I feel completely lost, completely bewildered.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t blame you. I don’t feel any too cozy myself.

---

## VICTOR:
Had you been drinking last night?

---

## AMANDA:
Certainly not!

---

## VICTOR:
Had Elyot been drinking?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes – gallons.

---

## VICTOR:
Used he to drink before? When you were married to him?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, terribly.

---

## AMANDA:
Every night he’d come home roaring and hiccoughing.

---

## VICTOR:
Disgusting!

---

## AMANDA:
Victor, I’m most awfully sorry to have given you so much trouble, really I am.

---

## AMANDA:
I behaved terribly, but something happened to me.

---

## AMANDA:
I can’t explain it, there’s no excuse,

---

## AMANDA:
but I am ashamed of having made you unhappy.

---

## VICTOR:
I can’t understand it at all.

---

## VICTOR:
I’ve tried to, but I can’t. It all seems so unlike you.

---

## AMANDA:
It isn’t really unlike me, that’s the trouble.

---

## AMANDA:
You ought never to have married me; I’m a bad lot.

---

## VICTOR:
Amanda!

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t contradict me. I know I’m a bad lot.

---

## VICTOR:
I wasn’t going to contradict you.

---

## AMANDA:
Victor!

---

## VICTOR:
You appall me – absolutely!

---

## AMANDA:
Go on, go on, I deserve it.

---

## VICTOR:
I didn’t come here to accuse you; there’s no sense in that!

---

## AMANDA:
Why did you come?

---

## VICTOR:
To find out what you want me to do.

---

## AMANDA:
Divorce me, I suppose, as soon as possible.

---

## AMANDA:
I won’t make any trouble.

---

## AMANDA:
I’ll go away somewhere, far away,

---

## AMANDA:
Morocco, or Tunis.

---

## AMANDA:
I shall probably catch some dreadful disease, and die out there, all alone – oh dear!

---

## VICTOR:
It’s no use pitying yourself.

---

## AMANDA:
I seem to be the only one who does. I might just as well enjoy it.

---

## AMANDA:
I’m thoroughly unprincipled; Sibyl was right!

---

## VICTOR:
Sibyl’s an ass.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, she rather is, isn’t she?

---

## AMANDA:

I can’t think why Elyot ever married her.

---

## VICTOR:
Do you love him?

---

## AMANDA:
She seems so insipid, somehow -

## VICTOR:
Do you love him?

---

## AMANDA:
Of course she’s very pretty, I suppose, in a rather a shallow way, but-

## VICTOR:
Amanda!

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, Victor?

---

## VICTOR:
You haven’t answered my question.

---

## AMANDA:
I’ve forgotten what it was.

---

## VICTOR:
You’re hopeless – hopeless.

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t be angry,

---

## AMANDA:
it’s all much too serious to be angry about.

---

## VICTOR:
You’re talking utter nonsense!

---

## AMANDA:
No, I’m not.

---

## AMANDA:
It’s ridiculous for us all to stand round here arguing with each other.

---

## AMANDA:
You’d much better go back to England and let you lawyers deal with the whole thing.

---

## VICTOR:
But what about you?

---

## AMANDA:
I’ll be alright.

---

## VICTOR:
I only want to know one thing, and you won’t tell me.

---

## AMANDA:
What is it?

---

## VICTOR:
Do you love Elyot?

---

## AMANDA:
No, I hate him.

---

## AMANDA:
When I saw him again at Deauville, it was an odd sort of shock.

---

## AMANDA:
It swept me away completely. He attracted me;

---

## AMANDA:
he always has attracted me,

---

## AMANDA:
but only the worst part of me. I see that now.

---

## VICTOR:
I can’t understand why? He’s so terribly trivial and superficial.

---

## AMANDA:
That sort of attraction can’t be explained, it’s sort of a chemical what d’you call ‘em.

---

## VICTOR:
Yes; it must be!

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t expect you to understand,

---

## AMANDA:
and I’m not going to try and excuse myself in any way.

---

## AMANDA:
Elyot was the first love affair of my life,

---

## AMANDA:
and in spite of all the suffering he caused me before,

---

## AMANDA:
there must have been a little spark left smoldering,

---

## AMANDA:
which burst into flame when I came face to face with him again.

---

## AMANDA:
I completely lost grip of myself and behaved like a fool,

---

## AMANDA:
for which I shall pay all right, you needn’t worry about that.

---

## AMANDA:
But perhaps one day,

---

## AMANDA:
when all this is dead and done with,

---

## AMANDA:
you and I might meet and be friends.

---

## AMANDA:
That’s something to hope for, anyway.

---

## AMANDA:
Good-bye.

---

---

## VICTOR:
Do you want to marry him?

---

## AMANDA:
I’d rather marry a boa constrictor.

---

## VICTOR:
I can’t go away and leave you with a man who drinks like that.

---

## AMANDA:
You needn’t worry about leaving me, as though I were a sort of parcel.

---

## AMANDA:
I can look after myself.

---

## VICTOR:
You said just now you were going to Tunis to die.

---

## AMANDA:
I’ve changed my mind,

---

## AMANDA:
it is the wrong time of year for Tunis.

---

## AMANDA:
I will go somewhere else.

---

## AMANDA:
I hear Brioni is very nice this time of year.

---

## VICTOR:
Why won’t you be serious for just one moment?

---

## AMANDA:
I’ve told you, there is no use.

---

## VICTOR:
If it will make things any easier for you,

---

## VICTOR:
I won’t divorce you.

---

## AMANDA:
Victor!

---

## VICTOR:
We can live apart until Sibyl has got her decree against Elyot,

---

## VICTOR:
then, some time after that,

---

## VICTOR:
I’ll let you divorce me.

---

## AMANDA:
I see you’re determined to make me serious,

---

## AMANDA:
whether I like it or not.

---

## VICTOR:
I married you because I loved you.

---

## AMANDA:
Oh please, Victor, don't! I won’t listen!

---

## VICTOR:
I expect I love you still;

---

## VICTOR:
one doesn’t change all in a minute.

---

## VICTOR:
You never loved me. I see that now, of course,

---

## VICTOR:
so perhaps everything has turned out for the best really.

---

## AMANDA:
I thought I loved you, really I did.

---

## VICTOR:
Yes, I know, that’s all right.

---

## AMANDA:
What an escape you’ve had.

---

## VICTOR:
I’ve said that to myself often during the last few days.

---

## AMANDA:
There’s no need to rub it in.

---

## VICTOR:
Do you agree about the divorce business?

---

## AMANDA:
Yes. It’s very, very generous of you.

---

## VICTOR:
It will save you some of the mud-slinging.

---

## VICTOR:
We might persuade Sibyl not to name you.

---

## AMANDA:
Yes, we might.

---

## VICTOR:
Perhaps she’ll change her mind about divorcing him.

---

## AMANDA:
Perhaps.

---

## AMANDA:
She certainly went into the bedroom with a predatory look in her eye.

---

## VICTOR:
Would you be pleased if that happened?

---

## AMANDA:
Delighted.

---

## SIBYL:
Elyot and I have come to a decision.

---

## AMANDA:
How very nice!

## VICTOR:
What is it?

---

## AMANDA:
Don’t be silly, Victor. Look at their faces.

---

## ELYOT:
Feminine intuition, very difficult.

---

## AMANDA:
Feminine determination, very praiseworthy.

---

## SIBYL:
I am not going to divorce Elyot for a year.

---

## AMANDA:
I congratulate you.

---

## ELYOT:
Sibyl has behaved like an angel.

---

## AMANDA:
Well, it was certainly her big moment.

---

---

## ELYOT :
Il faut le mettre sur la petite table la bas.

---

## LOUISE:
Oui, monsieur.

---

## AMANDA:
It all seems very amicable.

---

## SIBYL:
It is, thank you.

---

## AMANDA:
I don’t wish to depress you, but Victor isn’t going to divorce me either.

---

## ELYOT:
What!

---

## AMANDA:
I believe I asked you once before this morning, never to speak to me again.

---

## ELYOT:
I only said “What.”

---

## ELYOT:
It was a general exclamation denoting extreme satisfaction.

---

## AMANDA:
Do sit down.

---

## SIBYL:
I’m afraid I must be going now.

---

## SIBYL:
I’m catching the Golden Arrow; it leaves at twelve.

---

## ELYOT:
You can stay for some coffee surely?

---

## SIBYL:
No, I really must go!

---

## ELYOT:
I shan’t be seeing you again for such a long time.

---

## AMANDA:
Living apart? How wise!

---

## ELYOT:
Please, Sibyl, do stay!

---

## SIBYL:
Very well, just for a little.

---

## AMANDA:
Victor, sit down, dear.

---

## AMANDA:
Half and half?

---

## SIBYL:
Yes, please.

---

## AMANDA:
What would one do without one’s morning coffee?

---

## AMANDA:
That’s what I often ask myself.

---

## ELYOT:
Is it?

---

## AMANDA:
Victor, sugar for Sibyl.

---

## AMANDA:
It should be absurd for me to call you anything but Sibyl, wouldn’t it?

---

## SIBYL:
Of course; I shall call you Mandy.

---

## ELYOT:
Oh God! We’re off again. What weather!

---

## SIBYL:
Thank you.

---

## VICTOR:
What’s the time?

---

## ELYOT:
If my watch is still going after last night, it’s ten-fifteen.

---

## AMANDA:
Here, Victor dear.

---

## VICTOR:
Thanks.

---

## AMANDA:
Sibyl, sugar for Victor.

---

## ELYOT:
I should like some coffee, please.

---

## AMANDA:
Brioche?

---

## VICTOR:
What?

---

## AMANDA:
Would you like a brioche?

---

## VICTOR:
No, thank you.

---

## ELYOT:
I would. And some butter, and some jam.

---

## AMANDA:
Have you ever been to Brioni?

---

## SIBYL:
No. It’s in the Adriatic, isn’t it?

---

## VICTOR:
The Baltic, I think.

---

## SIBYL:
I made sure it was in the Adriatic.

---

## AMANDA:
I had an aunt who went there once.

---

## ELYOT:
I once had an aunt who went to Tasmania.

---

---

## VICTOR:
Funny how the South of France has become so fashionable in the summer, isn’t it?

---

## SIBYL:
Yes, awfully funny.

---

## ELYOT:
I’ve been laughing about it for months.

---

## AMANDA:
Personally, I think it’s a bit too hot,

---

## AMANDA:
although of course one can lie in the water all day.

---

## SIBYL:
Yes, the bathing is really divine!

---

## VICTOR:
A friend of mine has a house right on the edge of Cape Ferrat.

---

## SIBYL:
Really?

---

## VICTOR:
Yes, right on the edge.

---

## AMANDA:
That sounds marvelous!

---

## VICTOR:
Yes, he seems to like it very much.

---

## AMANDA:
Do you know, I really think I love traveling more than anything else in the world!

---

## AMANDA:
It always gives such a grand feeling of adventure.

---

## AMANDA:
First the thrill of packing,

---

## AMANDA:
and getting your passport visa’d,

---

## AMANDA:
then the thrill of setting off,

---

## AMANDA:
and trundling along on trains and ships,

---

## AMANDA:
and then the most thrilling thing of all,

---

## AMANDA:
arriving at strange places, and meeting strange people, and eating strange foods -

---

## ELYOT:
And making strange noises afterwards.

---

## VICTOR:
That was a damned fool thing to do.

---

## ELYOT:
How did I know that she was going to choke?

---

## VICTOR:
Here, drink some coffee.

---

## AMANDA:
Leave me alone. I’ll be all right in a minute.

---

## VICTOR:
You waste too much time trying to be funny.

---

## SIBYL:
It’s no use talking to Elyot like that;

---

## SIBYL:
it wasn’t his fault.

---

## VICTOR:
Of course it was his fault entirely, making rotten stupid jokes –

---

## SIBYL:
I thought what Elyot said was funny.

---

## VICTOR:
Well, all I can say is, you must have a very warped sense of humor.

---

## SIBYL:
That’s better than having none at all.

---

## VICTOR:
I fail to see what humor there is in incessant trivial flippancy.

---

## SIBYL:
You couldn’t be flippant if you tried until you were blue in the face.

---

## VICTOR:
I shouldn’t dream of trying.

---

## SIBYL:
It must be very sad not to be able to see any fun in anything.

---

## VICTOR:
Fun! I should like you to tell me what fun there is in-

---

## SIBYL:
I pity you, I really do. I’ve been pitying you ever since we left Deauville.

---

## VICTOR:
I’m sure it’s very nice of you, but quite unnecessary.

## SIBYL:
And I pity you more than ever now.

---

## VICTOR:
Why now particularly?

---

## SIBYL:
If you don’t see why, I’m certainly not going to tell you.

---

## VICTOR:
I see no reason for you to try and pick a quarrel with me.

---

## VICTOR:
I’ve tried my best to be pleasant to you, and comfort you.

---

## SIBYL:
You weren’t very comforting when I lost my trunk.

---

## VICTOR:
I have little patience with people who go about losing luggage.

---

## SIBYL:
I don’t go about losing luggage.

---

## SIBYL:
It’s the first time I’ve lost anything in my life.

---

## VICTOR:
I find that hard to believe.

---

## SIBYL:
Anyhow, if you’d tipped the porter enough, everything would have been all right.

---

## SIBYL:
Small economies never pay; it’s absolutely no use –

---

## VICTOR:
Oh, for God’s sake be quiet!

---

## SIBYL:
How dare you speak to me like that!

---

## VICTOR:
Because you’ve been irritating me for days.

---

## SIBYL:
Oh!

---

## VICTOR:
You’re one of the most completely idiotic women I’ve ever met.

---

## SIBYL:
And you’re certainly the rudest man I’ve ever met!

---

## VICTOR:
Well then, we’re quits, aren’t we?

---

## SIBYL:
One thing, you’ll get your deserts all right.

---

## VICTOR:
What do you mean by that?

---

## SIBYL:
You know perfectly well what I mean.

---

## SIBYL:
And it’ll serve you right for being weak-minded enough to allow that woman to get round you so easily.

---

## VICTOR:
What about you? Letting that unprincipled roué persuade you to take him back again!

---

## SIBYL:
He’s nothing of the sort,

---

## SIBYL:
he’s just been victimized, as you were victimized.

---

## VICTOR:
Victimized! What damned nonsense!

---

## SIBYL:
It isn’t damned nonsense!

---

## SIBYL:
You’re very fond of searing and blustering and threatening,

---

## SIBYL:
but when it comes to the point you’re as weak as water.

---

## SIBYL:
Why, a blind cat could see what you’ve let yourself in for.

---

## VICTOR:
Stop making those insinuations.

---

## SIBYL:
I’m not insinuating anything.

---

## SIBYL:
When I think of all the things you said about her,

---

## SIBYL:
it makes me laugh, it does really;

---

## SIBYL:
to see how completely she’s got you again.

---

## VICTOR:
You can obviously speak with great authority,

---

## VICTOR:
having had the intelligence to marry a drunkard.

---

## SIBYL:
So that’s what she’s been telling you. I might have known it!

---

## VICTOR:
Yes, she did, and I’m quite sure it’s perfectly true.

---

## SIBYL:
I expect she omitted to tell you that she drank fourteen glasses of brandy last night straight off;

---

## SIBYL:
and the reason their first marriage was broken up

---

## SIBYL:
was that she used to come home at all hours of the night, screaming and hiccoughing.

---

## VICTOR:
If he told you that, he’s a filthy liar.

---

## SIBYL:
He isn’t – he isn’t!

---

## VICTOR:
And if you believe it, you’re a scatterbrained little fool.

---

## SIBYL:
How dare you speak to me like that!

---

## SIBYL:
I've never been so insulted in my life!

---

## SIBYL:
How dare you!

---

## VICTOR:
It’s a tremendous relief to me to have an excuse to insult you.

---

## VICTOR:
I’ve had to listen to your weeping and wailing for days.

---

## VICTOR:
You’ve clacked at me, and sniveled at me until you’ve nearly driven me insane,

---

## VICTOR:
and I controlled my nerves and continued to try and help you because I was sorry for you.

---

## VICTOR:
I always thought you were stupid from the first,

---

## VICTOR:
but I must say

---

## VICTOR:
I never realized that you were a malicious little vixen as well!

---

## SIBYL:
Stop it! Stop it! You insufferable great brute!

---

---

[MUSIC: "The Power of Love" Instrumental]

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END OF PLAY