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title: JEEVES part two
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INTERMISSION
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## JEEVES:
Yes?
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## BERTIE:
I’ve come to ’ang the wallpaper.
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## JEEVES:
Indeed? Then you had better come in, I suppose.
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## BERTIE:
This the room, is it?
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## JEEVES:
It is certainly a room.
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Odd, but I was unaware that arrangements had been made to redecorate.
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## BERTIE:
Oh, yes.
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Today’s the day, all right.
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Got me work order right here.
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## JEEVES:
Then, by all means, you had better start immediately.
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Will you require assistance moving the furniture?
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, it’s me!
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## JEEVES:
Good heavens.
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How astonishing.
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And what a…remarkable suit of clothing.
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## BERTIE:
I’m in disguise.
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## JEEVES:
So I observe, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Where is everyone?
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## JEEVES:
Mr. Bassington-Bassington breakfasted in bed—
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## BERTIE:
What cheek! The blighter cold-heartedly heaves me out onto the street — then lolls about like a sultan in my bed eating my breakfast!
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## JEEVES:
And as for Sir Rupert—
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## BERTIE:
Dead?
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## JEEVES:
No, sir.
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He should be departing momentarily for a luncheon engagement
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## BERTIE:
What happened yesterday? After I left, I mean.
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Tell me everything!
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## JEEVES:
Ah.
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That was a moment fraught with drama.
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Fortunately, I was able to smooth things over satisfactorily.
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, you move in mysterious ways, your wonders to perform!
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## JEEVES:
Thank you, sir.
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I explained to those present that you had received an urgent summons from a stricken friend.
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Sadly, I was unable to supply any further details as the dire nature of the emergency required your immediate departure.
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## BERTIE:
Good, good…
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## JEEVES:
Mrs. Spencer Gregson and the future Mrs. Wooster—
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, please! Don’t torment me.
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## JEEVES:
As you wish, sir.
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The ladies decided not to await your return.
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Indeed, Mrs. Spencer Gregson seemed more than usually perturbed.
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I fancy that Sir Rupert may have been the cause.
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## BERTIE:
Yes, the moment he clapped eyes on her— well, of course that’s enough of a shock to unnerve any man.
---
Still, I could see that Sir Rupert was, if not exactly disgruntled, far from being gruntled!
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## JEEVES:
As you say, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Mark my words, Jeeves, I suspect some dark mystery involving Aunt Agatha and Sir Rupert.
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## JEEVES:
Their behavior does seem to suggest that the two have, shall we say… a Past.
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## BERTIE:
Difficult to imagine.
---
One envisions the two of them like mastadons bellowing to one another across primeval swamps.
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## JEEVES:
Ahem, yes.
---
There is very little more, sir.
---
There was a bit of momentary confusion as
Miss Winklesworth-Bode seemed under the impression that Sir Rupert was the, er, plumber.
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## BERTIE:
Ah.
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I may have put in that bit.
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## JEEVES:
I surmised as much, sir.
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Nonetheless, I was able to calm the troubled waters.
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The ladies took their leave.
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The gentlemen remained.
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Sir Rupert was most uncharacteristically silent, seemingly lost in thought.
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Mr. Bassington-Bassington spent the evening composing an epic poem, a tragedy I believe, concerning lost love.
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## BERTIE:
Oh, spare me.
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## JEEVES:
Sir Rupert did not learn that this is, in fact, your home rather than his nephew’s.
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Nor did Mrs. Spencer-Gregson discover that Sir Rupert believes his nephew to be the master here.
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## BERTIE:
(admiringly) Absolutely pitch perfect.
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Were you always like this, Jeeves, or did it come on suddenly?
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## JEEVES:
Sir?
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## BERTIE:
The brain.
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The old noodle.
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The gray matter.
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Tell me, were you an outstandingly brilliant child?
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## JEEVES:
My mother thought me intelligent, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Well, you can't go by that— my mother thought me intelligent!
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## JEEVES:
I take your point, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Well, Jeeves, we are in a tremendous pickle.
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## JEEVES:
Most distressing, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, it strikes me that love is responsible for most of the trouble in the world today.
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## JEEVES:
An interesting theory, sir.
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Would you care to expatiate upon it?
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## BERTIE:
As a matter of fact, no, Jeeves.
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No.
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The thought just occured to me, you know, as thoughts do.
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## JEEVES:
Quite so, sir.
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## BERTIE:
The question now is, where do we go from—
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## SIR RUPERT:
Jeeves!
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## JEEVES:
Sir?
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## SIR RUPERT:
I’m off to my luncheon engagement.
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Who the devil—?
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## JEEVES:
The workman, sir.
---
Mr. Bassington-Bassington has decided to have this room re-papered.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Shocking waste of money! Is my nephew still at home?
---
## JEEVES:
Yes, sir.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Strange sort of profession that allows him to lounge about half the day.
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What, exactly, is his business?
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## JEEVES:
I couldn’t say precisely, sir.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Damned mysterious.
---
At least we’re well rid of that dreadful so called “friend” — that awful Woodruff fellow.
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See here, man.
---
Do be careful!
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## BERTIE:
Beg pardon, gov’ner!
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## JEEVES:
Will you be returning for tea, Sir Rupert?
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## SIR RUPERT:
Doubtful.
---
I shall probably be out most of the afternoon.
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Tell me, Jeeves, that rather striking-looking woman who was here yesterday…
---
## JEEVES:
Mrs. Spencer-Gregson?
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## SIR RUPERT:
That’s the one.
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By Jove, what a magnificent filly!
---
[BERTIE makes a strangled sound]
---
Eh? Did you speak?
---
## JEEVES:
I do beg your pardon, sir.
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Clearing my throat.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Ah.
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Well.
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I don’t suppose you are acquainted with her husband?
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## JEEVES:
I believe Mrs. Spencer-Gregson to be a widow of some years’ standing, sir.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Really? Well, well, well…
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## EUSTACE:
Good morning, Uncle.
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Off to your luncheon?
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## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, I must be going.
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Eustace, I am forced to admit, you’ve done extremely well for yourself in London.
---
## EUSTACE:
Well, I do my best.
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## SIR RUPERT:
It would be pointless to interrupt your career, whatever it is, with a sojourn in India.
---
You’d much better keep on doing… whatever it is you do.
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## EUSTACE:
Thank you, Uncle Rupert!
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## SIR RUPERT:
You certainly don’t require an allowance from me any longer — complete waste of money.
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Well, I’m off!
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## BERTIE:
That’s my dressing gown!
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## EUSTACE:
Good Lord!
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## BERTIE:
And those are my pajamas!
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## EUSTACE:
Bertie?
---
## BERTIE:
Aha! Ow, ow, ow!
---
## EUSTACE:
What are you doing here?
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## BERTIE:
I live here, you ungrateful—
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## EUSTACE:
Oh, am I supposed to be grateful that you’ve stolen the woman I love?
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## BERTIE:
I didn’t! Which, if you had any functioning brain cells, you would certainly know!
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The very last thing on earth that I wish to do is wed Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode!
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## EUSTACE:
Then why are you?
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## BERTIE:
I’m not! At least I hope to heaven that I’m not.
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It’s just that—
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## EUSTACE:
What?
---
## JEEVES:
Gentlemen—
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## BERTIE:
Gertie imagines that I’m madly in love with her and… she—
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## EUSTACE:
She— what?!
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## BERTIE:
—has convinced herself that I have potential!
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## EUSTACE:
You haven’t!
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## BERTIE:
Of course I haven’t! But try telling her that!
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## JEEVES:
Gentlemen—
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## BERTIE:
The wretched girl is positively determined to marry me and, I mean, you know, one does want to be civil.
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## EUSTACE:
Civil! I wonder you can bear to live with the stain of betrayal on your conscious!
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## BERTIE:
Well, I had ample time to ponder “betrayal” whilst spending the night huddled in a doorway after being booted from my own home by my best friend!
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To whom, I might add, I had already lent my flat, my valet, and all the money I had on my person!
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And if that doesn't leave me without a stain on my conscience, then I don't know what it doesn't leave me without a stain on!
---
## JEEVES:
If I might be permitted a word, gentlemen.
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## EUSTACE:
Of course, Jeeves.
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## BERTIE:
By all means.
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## JEEVES:
Mr. Wooster, you did not, strictly speaking, spend the night huddled in a doorway, but very comfortably indeed at the Drones Club.
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## BERTIE:
How the deuce—?
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## JEEVES:
The wine steward there, a particular friend of mine, had a word with the fishmonger’s boy who subsequently made a delivery here this morning.
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## EUSTACE:
Aha!
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## JEEVES:
While you Mr. Bassington-Bassington, spent the night in Mr. Wooster’s bed, in his pajamas.
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Further, you seem to have overlooked the fact that, even while being ejected from his own home, Mr. Wooster did not betray you to your uncle.
---
## BERTIE:
Aha!
---
## JEEVES:
In short, gentlemen, may I suggest that we desist from a debate regarding who is at fault? Our time would be much better spent plotting strategy.
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## BERTIE:
Sorry…
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## EUSTACE:
So am I, old bean.
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Appreciate all you’ve tried to do.
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Even if it has ended in utter and complete disaster.
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## JEEVES:
One must not abandon hope, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
You are not, after all, being shipped to India.
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## EUSTACE:
No, but my uncle has cut me off financially and I’ve lost the woman I adore.
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To him!
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## BERTIE:
(bleakly) And I am doomed to marry Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode.
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It has all the dark inevitability of a Greek tragedy.
---
## EUSTACE:
Unless…
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves! Surely you must see a light in all this blasted darkness!
---
## JEEVES:
Gentelmen, we are faced with two separate difficulties.
---
First: to extricate Mr. Wooster from his engagement to Miss Winklesworth-Bode.
---
Secondly: to persuade Sir Rupert to restore Mr. Bassington-Bassington’s allowance while, at the same time,
---
preventing him from learning that this is, in fact, Mr. Wooster’s flat.
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## BERTIE:
There’s a third difficulty, Jeeves.
---
I’m expected to host a dinner party here tonight celebrating my engagement.
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That may come as a bit of a surprise to Sir Rupert, since he booted me from the place last night.
---
## JEEVES:
By great good fortune, Sir Rupert is dining out this evening.
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## EUSTACE:
That’s right! It’s one reason for his visit! Some sort of reunion dinner for retired officers.
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## JEEVES:
(to Bertie) You, sir, shall send a message inviting Miss Winklesworth-Bode to come early for cocktails.
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## BERTIE:
Whatever for?
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## JEEVES:
To allow Mr. Bassington-Bassington an opportunity to improve upon his unfortunate first impression.
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## EUSTACE:
Yes! This time, I shall assert my personality.
---
Oooh! I could read her my poem!
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## JEEVES: & BERTIE
No!
---
## JEEVES:
Now, it is by no means certain that Sir Rupert will have left by the time Miss Winklesworth- Bode arrives.
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## EUSTACE:
Oh! I can tell Uncle that Miss Winklesworth-Bode has come to see me.
---
## BERTIE:
What! My fiance?
---
## JEEVES:
Ah, but Sir Rupert was not present at the moment of Miss Winklesworth-Bode’s fateful announcement.
---
## EUSTACE:
As far as he knows, she might very well be a particular friend of mine.
---
He’ll be utterly delighted.
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## BERTIE:
Where am I while Sir Rupert is being utterly delighted?
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## JEEVES:
You, sir, will remain hidden until Sir Rupert has safely departed.
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## EUSTACE:
Yes, Bertie, he does seem to have taken the most unaccountable dislike of you.
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## BERTIE:
Evidently, I’m a bad influence.
---
I suppose I’ve turned out to be one of those fellows my father always warned me against.
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## JEEVES:
Once Sir Rupert is out of the way, it will be your task, gentlemen, to persuade Miss Winklesworth-Bode to end her engagement to Mr. Wooster.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes!
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## EUSTACE:
Absolutely!
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## BERTIE:
How exactly are we doing that again?
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## JEEVES:
By presenting Miss Winklesworth-Bode with an irresistible alternate.
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## BERTIE:
What, Bassy— irresistible? How in the name of all that’s holy are we going to pull that off?
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## JEEVES:
Miss Winklesworth-Bode is a young lady who reveres intellect.
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, have you met Bassy?
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## EUSTACE:
I say!
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## JEEVES:
Some small deception may be required.
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If Mr. Bassington-Bassington could express an interest in, say, German philosophy…
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, that is a perfectly splendid and by no means unripe idea!
---
## JEEVES:
Very kind, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Sheer genius!
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## EUSTACE:
What is?
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## BERTIE:
Bassy, all you have to do is bone up on— Jeeves, who’s that chappie with the peculiar name that Gertie is always raving about?
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## JEEVES:
Nietzsche, sir.
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Although—
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## BERTIE:
The very bloke!
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## EUSTACE:
Who?
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## BERTIE:
Some sort of German philanthropist.
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## JEEVES:
Philosopher, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Yes, yes.
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Bassy, look.
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All you have to do is pass yourself off as a student of German whatever and Gertie will go absolutely dippy over you!
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## EUSTACE:
She will? That would be ecstasy! O, Gertrude— in passing, don’t you think Gertrude is a musical name?
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## BERTIE:
No.
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## EUSTACE:
No?
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## BERTIE:
No.
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## EUSTACE:
You don’t think it sounds rather like the wind rustling through the treetops?
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## BERTIE:
No.
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## EUSTACE:
Bertie, you are a fatheaded worm without any soul.
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## BERTIE:
Do shut up, Bassy.
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Now, there’s a book around here somewhere—
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Ah, thank you, Jeeves.
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## EUSTACE:
Types of Ethical Theory — Oh, Bertie, I don’t know…
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## BERTIE:
You needn’t commit the thing to memory for heaven’s sake.
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## JEEVES:
If you could just glance over one or two high points.
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## BERTIE:
Then, tonight when you’re chatting up Gertie just, you know, casually toss out the odd phrase or two at appropriate moments.
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## EUSTACE:
Do you really think I can pull this off?
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## BERTIE:
It is a guaranteed certainty! Tell him, Jeeves!
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## JEEVES:
We shall simplly have to rely on Mr. Bassington-Bassington’s cool head and thespian skills.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, dear lord…
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## BERTIE:
I have every confidence in you, Bassy!
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## JEEVES:
Will you be staying for luncheon, sir?
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## BERTIE:
I certainly shall! I’ve got a responsibility to coach old Bassy here.
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## JEEVES:
As you wish, sir.
---
Will that be all?
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, thank you Jeeves.
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## EUSTACE:
I feel awfully anxious about this evening, Bertie.
---
Suppose Gertrude catches me out?
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## BERTIE:
Not a chance.
---
## EUSTACE:
Of course there’s still the matter of Uncle Rupert cutting off my allowance.
---
## BERTIE:
What? Oh, that.
---
I’d forgotten about that.
---
Yes… I rather fancy that it was Shakespeare —
---
or some equally brainy lad — who said that just when a chappie is feeling particularly top hole,
---
Fate sneaks up behind him with a lead pipe.
---
## EUSTACE:
…I don’t think that’s Shakes—
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## BERTIE:
Never mind that now.
---
One problem at a time, Bassy.
---
We’ve got to transform you into a scholar by cocktail hour.
---
To work!
---
## EUSTACE:
Uh, well… Ah! Here’s a chapter entitled “Idiopsychological Ethics.”
---
## BERTIE:
Excellent! Sounds like a real page turner!
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, Bertie.
---
What we men must suffer for love.
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Now at last I understand why they say, "Women, O Women!"
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## BERTIE:
Who says that?
---
## EUSTACE:
…Well, chaps mostly.
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## BERTIE:
Right.
---
No more shilly-shallying.
---
Here, you’d better start with this bit.
---
It’s a perfect corker!
---
## EUSTACE:
“The postulate or common understanding involved in speech is certainly co-extensive,
---
in the obligation it carries, with the social organism of which language is the instrument…”
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Ah, Jeeves.
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## JEEVES:
Sir?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I’ve been wondering.
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There was such a lot of confusion last night when I had you chuck that Webster fellow out…
---
## JEEVES:
I believe it is “Wooster,” sir.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, yes.
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It is of no consequence.
---
I merely wanted to say that, of course, I had no idea that ladies were present.
---
In fact, I must confess I never did quite understand why, er, exactly they were here.
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I mean, clearly, they are acquainted with my nephew in some fashion.
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## JEEVES:
That is true, sir.
---
Although…
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## SIR RUPERT:
Yes?
---
## JEEVES:
It should, perhaps, be mentioned that both ladies had actually called to see Mr. Wooster.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
That scalawag? Whatever for?
---
## JEEVES:
It is my understanding that Mrs. Spencer-Gregson is related to Mr. Wooster.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
…No!
---
## JEEVES:
His aunt, I believe.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Good heavens! And I— Right in front of her! What can she be thinking?
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## JEEVES:
I could not say, sir.
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## SIR RUPERT:
I must make amends.
---
But how? Gad, what a blunder.
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## JEEVES:
If it is of any comfort, sir, Mrs. Spencer-Gregson could hardly be said to dote upon Mr. Wooster.
---
Indeed, she had been known to be highly critical.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Of course she is.
---
Clearly, the fellow’s a wastrel.
---
And she was never one to tolerate fools.
---
## JEEVES:
Indeed no, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Both Agatha and I seem to be cursed with family trees that are destined to sprout nincompoops.
---
## JEEVES:
Very pithy turn of phrase, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Thank you.
---
Do you know, it has been 40-odd years since I last clapped eyes on that remarkable woman?
---
## JEEVES:
Indeed, sir?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
And yet, by Jingo, one glimpse and suddenly I found myself every bit as tongue-tied as I was the night we were parted.
---
## JEEVES:
As the late Mr. Tennyson observed, “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,”sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Very true.
---
No regrets, you know.
---
Never look back.
---
Did my duty.
---
But I never forgot her…
---
## JEEVES:
On another topic, sir, I wonder if I might enquire…
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes.
---
What is it?
---
## JEEVES:
I could not help but notice that you wear the regimental insignia of the Duke of Cornwall’s Light Infantry.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Jeeves! Are you a military man?
---
## JEEVES:
I fear not, sir, but a cousin of mine did spend many years as a batman in the 5th Battalion.
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## SIR RUPERT:
Why that’s my old battalion! What was the fellow’s name?
---
## JEEVES:
Brooke, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Can’t say that it rings a bell… still, small world, eh, Jeeves?
---
## JEEVES:
Very true.
---
Before you leave, sir, a message arrived for you.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Thank you, Jeeves… Great Scott, there’s been a last minute change of venue.
---
## JEEVES:
Indeed, sir?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Most irregular.
---
Can you imagine if I had arrived at the wrong address? Good thing I got this in time.
---
## JEEVES:
Providential, sir.
---
## EUSTACE:
Everything ready, Jeeves?
---
## JEEVES:
Quite ready, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Ready? Ready for what?
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle! I thought you’d left.
---
## JEEVES:
Excuse me, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Ready for what, I say!
---
## EUSTACE:
…for a quiet evening at home.
---
Reading an improving book…
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Bit formal, aren’t you?
---
## EUSTACE:
Well, a fellow in my position does have to keep up certain standards.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I suppose.
---
## EUSTACE:
I expect you’re off to your reunion?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, shortly.
---
This the new wallpaper, is it?
---
## EUSTACE:
The what?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Didn’t you hire that workman to repaper in here today?
---
## EUSTACE:
…Yes?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Flinging your money about very freely, aren’t you?
---
## EUSTACE:
Well, a fellow in my position –
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Standards, yes.
---
So you said.
---
Still, I must admit, quite a distinct improvement.
---
So, you’re staying in?
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, yes.
---
I’m not much for nightlife.
---
I’ll probably turn in early.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Good lad.
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, well, one of the King Georges — I forget which — once said that a certain number of hours sleep each night —
---
I can’t recall at the moment how many— made a man… something.
---
And I for one agree with him!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Good! Glad to see that you aren’t wasting your time on frivolity and pleasure, like so many young men today.
---
## EUSTACE:
No indeed, Uncle.
---
I live like a monk.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Are you expecting someone?
---
## EUSTACE:
No no…
---
## GERTRUDE:
Good evening, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Good evening, Miss.
---
May I take your wrap?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Thank you, Jeeves.
---
Oh.
---
Hullo again, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
I didn’t realize you would be here.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Certainly he is here.
---
Where else would he be? Eustace, you sly dog, aren’t you going to introduce me to this delightful young lady?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Well, we did meet last night, after a fashion, but in all the confusion—
---
## EUSTACE:
Ha, ha, ha! That was quite a dust up, wasn’t it? Miss Winklesworth-Bode, do allow me to present my uncle, Sir Rupert Watlington-Pipps.
---
Uncle Rupert, this… enchanting creature is the Honourable Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Well, aren’t you the flatterer? And amazingly fluent this evening.
---
But, where is—
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle Rupert is just on his way to attend a reunion of retired officers.
---
Military man, you know.
---
You mustn’t let us keep you, Uncle.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, yes, I’m going.
---
No need for a third wheel, eh, Eustace?
---
Delighted to properly make your acquaintance, my dear.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’m very pleased to meet you, Sir Rupert.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Charming girl.
---
Well, I shall leave you two young people alone, although I suppose I really ought to insist on a chaperone.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I think there must be some sort of misunder—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Now, now, no need to say a word.
---
I was young once myself.
---
Good evening!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I don’t understand.
---
Where is Bertie?
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, he’ll be here momentarily.
---
He asked me to keep you company until he arrives.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Really, Bertie specifically asked me to come early and then he’s not even here!
---
## EUSTACE:
Shameful.
---
I don’t blame you a bit for being put out.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, it’s typical of Bertie… You’re very different this evening, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
Quite articulate.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, yes, well, I was just a trifle off my game when we first met.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Just a bit, perhaps.
---
## EUSTACE:
May I offer you a cocktail?
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’d adore a dry martini.
---
## EUSTACE:
Jeeves?
---
## JEEVES:
Yes, sir.
---
## EUSTACE:
Ah, here we are.
---
To you!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I really shouldn’t, but as long as Aunt Agatha isn’t here— she’s a fierce teetotaler, you know.
---
## EUSTACE:
How like her.
---
I beg your pardon, but is Mrs. Spencer Gregson your aunt as well as Bertie’s?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Not really, although I’ve always called her Aunt.
---
She’s my godmother, actually.
---
She and my late mother were bosom cronies from their schooldays.
---
They always planned for Bertie and I to make a match.
---
## EUSTACE:
Really? You astonish me!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Do I? Why?
---
## EUSTACE:
Why? Er, right.
---
Well… the irony of it all, you know.
---
Life.
---
And so forth.
---
## GERTRUDE:
How do you mean?
---
## EUSTACE:
As the, uh, philosopher wrote, you know, uh… and, I’m paraphrasing here, “all living things aim to discharge their strength"
---
and express their “will to power” and, well, that is to say, you seem like the last person on earth to bend to another’s, uh, will.
---
If you follow me…
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’m not entirely sure that I do.
---
When you say “will to power” can you— is it possible that you are quoting… Friedrich Nietzsche?
---
## EUSTACE:
…Yes?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Beyond Good and Evil, Prelude to—
---
## GERTRUDE & EUSTACE:
—a Philosophy of the Future!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I simply cannot believe my ears!
---
## EUSTACE:
Really, this is the most remarkable coincidence! I had no idea you were interested in German philosophy, Miss Winklesworth-Bode!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Do call me Gertrude.
---
## EUSTACE:
And you must call me Eustace.
---
Or, if you prefer, Bassy.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace it is, then.
---
Tell me, are you familiar with Thus Spoke Zarathustra?
---
## EUSTACE:
…Intimately!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, this is smashing! I would never have pegged you for an intellectual.
---
## EUSTACE:
Can’t judge a book by its cover, eh?
---
## GERTRUDE:
No more than one can associate the doctrine of eternal recurrence with the spiritual standpoint of the superman!
---
## EUSTACE:
…Just what I was going to say! Oh, Gertrude, dearest—
---
## GERTRUDE:
Now, Eustace, we mustn't forget ourselves.
---
I wonder what can be keeping Bertie?
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie! I shall never fathom what a girl as brilliant as you are could see in an insensitive dolt like Bertie!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Admittedly, Bertie is a bit of a mental midget, but he does have one great redeeming quality.
---
## EUSTACE:
What?
---
## GERTRUDE:
He is malleable.
---
## EUSTACE:
He’s— (confused) what is he?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Malleable.
---
Compliant.
---
Docile.
---
Capable of being formed, shaped by a guiding hand.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, I see.
---
Well, that’s that then.
---
Ow!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Is something wrong?
---
## EUSTACE:
No.
---
Yes! I cannot bear it! Gertrude, darling, can’t you, won’t you, shape me instead?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Really, Eustace, I’ve only just met you!
---
## EUSTACE:
Gertrude, I adore you.
---
I worship you! In fact, I’ve written a poem—
---
## GERTRUDE:
Mr. Bassington-Bassington, control yourself! I am promised to another! This is completely immoral!
---
## EUSTACE:
Ah, but Nietzsche denies that there is a universal morality applicable indiscriminately to all human beings!
---
## GERTRUDE:
True.
---
Some moralities are more appropriate for dominating and leading social roles; some are more suitable for subordinate roles.
---
## EUSTACE:
So what counts as a preferable and legitimate action actually depends upon the kind of person one is!
---
## GERTRUDE:
And what kind of person are you, Eustace?
---
## EUSTACE:
A desperate one, Gertie, darling!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace, darling! Gertrude, Gertrude!
Say something in German!
---
## EUSTACE:
Glockenspiel!
---
## BERTIE:
What ho, what ho, what ho!
---
## BERTIE:
Hullo, Gertie.
---
Hullo, Bassy.
---
## EUSTACE:
Didn’t hear you come in.
---
## BERTIE:
Didn’t you? Well, who’s for a drink?
Ah, thank you, Jeeves.
---
…So, what have you two been up to?
---
## GERTRUDE:
We were just… discussing Nietzsche.
---
## BERTIE:
Good Lord, what a crashing bore!
---
## GERTRUDE:
We did not find it so.
---
## EUSTACE:
No indeed! I personally have never felt more stimulated!
---
## BERTIE:
Ah, that will be Aunt Agatha!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Sorry to intrude but I—
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle Rupert!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You! What are you doing here, Williams?
---
## BERTIE:
You— I— Wooster.
---
## GERTRUDE:
What is he doing here? What a very odd question!
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle! Your dinner! You’ll miss it!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I have missed it! I ended up at the wrong place entirely.
---
Arrived at a hall full of disreputable looking men all wearing beards.
---
Dreadful creatures, shouting and waving placards.
---
I’ve no notion what it was about.
---
I simply cannot understand where I went astray…
---
## JEEVES:
Most unfortunate, Sir Rupert.
---
Brandy?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Thank you, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Perhaps your driver mistook the address.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, possibly.
---
## BERTIE:
One more for dinner, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Very good, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
It was the most disagreeable experience—
---
[Doorbell]
---
And then, to discover you here, Wilson!
---
## BERTIE:
Wooster.
---
## GERTRUDE:
But of course he’s here.
---
Why shouldn’t he be?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
No need to announce me, Jeeves.
---
I do hope I haven’t kept everyone waiting— Rupert!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Agatha!
---
## BERTIE:
Aunt Agatha! What a frightful– ly jolly surprise!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Surprise? Whatever do you mean?
---
## BERTIE:
Mean? Nothing, nothing… Five for dinner, Jeeves.
---
If that’s all right with you, Eustace?
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh! Yes, of course, rather!
---
## JEEVES:
Very good, sir.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Why shouldn’t it be all right with him? What’s he got to do say about—
---
## BERTIE:
Do sit down everyone!
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, do! Let us be comfortable.
---
## BERTIE:
Well, well, well, well.
---
Well.
---
Here we are.
---
Friends and family gathered ‘round the hearth.
---
Nothing like it.
---
## EUSTACE:
I must say, you do have a very comfortable place here.
---
## BERTIE & EUSTACE:
Thank you.
---
## GERTRUDE:
…Are you quite well, Bertie? You look all flushed.
---
## BERTIE:
Me? Never better! Pink of health and all that!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You haven’t changed a bit.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Nonsense.
---
I’m a dreadful old woman.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You? Never!
---
## BERTIE:
She really is.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram.
---
## EUSTACE:
So, you two have met?
---
## AUNT AGATHA & SIR RUPERT:
No!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Well— Yes.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Briefly.
---
Mere, uh—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Acquaintences.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
So to speak—
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, come now.
---
Confess, you two darlings.
---
What was it? A youthful passion? Was there a great scandal?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Scandal! Certainly not.
---
The idea!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
It was decades ago.
---
We were both quite young.
---
## BERTIE:
Really? How odd.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Try not to be an ass, Bertram.
---
## BERTIE:
I do try!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Try harder.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I shall never forget that last time we met.
---
I’d just got my commission.
---
The regiment was due to ship out.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
My parents did not approve.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
They thought you could do much better than a penniless young officer.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Oh, Rupert.
---
## GERTRUDE:
And so, the young lovers were cruelly parted! Oh, how tragic! And yet, terribly romantic!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
To think that, all these years later, we should be brought together again.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Yes.
---
Rupert, I had no notion that you were acquainted with my nephew, Bertram.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
We met quite recently.
---
Through my nephew, Eustace.
---
## EUSTACE:
Boyhood chums, you know.
---
## BERTIE:
Dear old Malvern Prep!
---
## BERTIE and EUSTACE:
Through the years that lie ahead, With every single—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Gentlemen.
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Don’t.
---
## BERTIE:
Actually we both went on from Malvern Prep to Oxford together.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I expect you were very studious.
---
## EUSTACE:
Only compared to some.
---
Did Bertie ever tell you about the time he dropped a pudding on the Bishop of Woolrich?
---
## GERTRUDE:
No.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
On a bishop?
---
## BERTIE:
It wasn’t really meant for the bishop.
---
It was meant for Boco Fiddleworth.
---
Unfortunately, from above, they look remarkably similar.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Is this meant to be amusing?
---
## BERTIE:
Had to be there, I suppose.
---
## EUSTACE:
At any rate he, the bishop, looked up to see why it was suddenly raining pudding—
---
## BERTIE:
Tripped on the stairs and went head over heels—
---
## EUSTACE:
Smack into the courtyard fountain!
---
## BERTIE:
Happy times.
---
## EUSTACE:
That’s not what you said when you were arrested!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Arrested!
---
## EUSTACE:
Not his fault, really.
---
After all, he was very young.
---
## BERTIE:
Quite right.
---
## EUSTACE:
Not to mention fried to the tonsils!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Intoxicated!
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, well, not—
---
## EUSTACE:
Pickled to the gills!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace!
---
## BERTIE:
Ah.
---
Well, we musn’t go boring on about our school days.
---
## EUSTACE:
No, indeed! Not a bit interesting.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Rupert, I am covered in shame.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
No one could possibly blame you, my dear.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I can only hope that his marriage will be the making of him.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Married! You?
---
## BERTIE:
You know, that was precisely my reaction.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
How would you support a wife?
---
## BERTIE:
Generally, I find a steady pressure on the left elbow does the trick!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
On a more sober note, we are gathered here tonight to celebrate an announcement.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What announcement?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
An engagement.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Really? I had no inkling.
---
Well perhaps a tiny inkling.
---
This is splendid news!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
It is indeed.
---
## JEEVES:
Dinner is served.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, thank God.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
May I escort you in, Agatha?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
By all means, Rupert.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace, you go on ahead.
---
I need to have a word with Bertie.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh? Oh! Yes, I’ll just toddle on in then…
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertie, dear, I don’t quite know how to break this to you.
---
## BERTIE:
Just come straight out with it, that’s the way.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’m afraid that I have had…
---
## BERTIE:
Yes?
Yes?
---
## GERTRUDE:
A change of heart.
---
Don’t hate me, Bertie!
---
## BERTIE:
No, no, of course not.
---
I could never hate you, Gertie.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, I do feel so dreadful!
---
## BERTIE:
It’s Bassy, I suppose.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’m afraid so.
---
It happened quite suddenly.
---
I’m so sorry.
---
You must find a reason to go on living, Bertie!
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, well, I’ll try.
---
Mind you, it won’t be easy.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Please don’t say anything until I have a chance to tell Aunt Agatha.
---
She will be simply devastated!
---
## BERTIE:
Not a word.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, dear.
---
Am I being selfish? Hurting you so and disappointing poor Aunt Agatha.
---
Perhaps, after all—
---
## BERTIE:
Now, now, screw your courage to the, uh, whatsis…
---
## GERTRUDE:
Sticking place.
---
## BERTIE:
Really?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Shakespeare.
---
## BERTIE:
That fellow said the rummiest things!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, Bertie—
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, Gertie— there now, you see how that sounds? It would never have worked.
---
Besides, old thing, when all is said and done, you have got to follow your heart.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh…you’re so noble and unselfish, Bertie.
---
…I’m all weepy!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram! Have you taken complete leave of your senses?
---
## BERTIE:
Sorry.
---
Sorry.
---
I was just…ah.
---
Well, never mind.
---
I’ll join you, shall I?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Of course! You might have warned me that you were going to invite your friend and his uncle to dine.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, well it all happened rather last minute
---
## JEEVES:
Shall I serve the soup course, sir?
---
## BERTIE:
Soup! The very thing! By all means, start the soup course, Jeeves.
---
Marvelous notion!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Agatha? Oh.
---
Beg pardon.
---
Are you quite all right, Walters?
---
## BERTIE:
Wooster, old bean! Wooster!
---
And, as a matter of fact, I’m better than all right! I’m on top of the world!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Agatha, that nephew of yours— bit eccentric, what?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
By all rights, he should be locked up in a padded cell with the board of Lunacy Commissioners sitting on his head.
---
I do beg your pardon, Rupert.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Not at all, dear lady.
---
Believe me, every family has one.
---
Shall we?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
You may serve, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Yes, madam.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
One moment, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Sir?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Did you know about an engagement between my nephew and this Winklesworth-Bode girl?
---
## JEEVES:
I was certainly aware that Mr. Bassington-Bassington is quite besotted, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Well, well, well.
---
I think we’d better have some champagne later, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Very good, sir.
---
## EUSTACE:
Everything all right?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace, my boy, everything is splendid.
---
You make an old man very proud.
---
In fact, given the happy occasion and, considering your future, I am restoring your allowance.
---
## EUSTACE:
Thank you, sir!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Not at all.
---
In fact, I may well see my way to increasing it.
---
Very happy for you, Eustace!
---
## EUSTACE:
Did you hear, Jeeves! It’s working.
---
It’s all working!
---
## JEEVES:
My felcitations, sir.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace, what is going on? Everyone keeps popping up and down from the table like jack- in-the-boxes!
---
## EUSTACE:
I’m terribly sorry, Gertrude.
---
You had better serve the soup now, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Very good, sir.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace, dear, I’ve told Bertram the truth.
---
## EUSTACE:
Which truth? Oh, you— about us, you mean?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Yes.
---
## EUSTACE:
How did he take it?
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’m afraid his heart is broken.
---
## EUSTACE:
Ah.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I feel so dreadfully guilty!
---
## EUSTACE:
No.
---
You mustn't! Don’t we deserve happiness, darling?
---
## GERTRUDE:
But at what cost?
---
## EUSTACE:
Now, now.
---
Bertie will muddle through somehow.
---
He always does.
---
## GERTRUDE:
You’re right.
---
I must be resolute.
---
## EUSTACE:
Of course you must.
---
Nietzsche would expect no less.
---
## BERTIE:
Hate to intrude, but Jeeves keeps hovering with the soup tureen and Aunt Agatha is beginning to lash her tail.
---
## EUSTACE:
Quite right, old man.
---
Terribly sorry to have held everyone up.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Dear brave Bertie.
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, er, chin up, old man.
---
## BERTIE:
If I had to lose her, at least it was to a Malvern Prep Boy.
---
## GERTRUDE:
We shall bend every effort to finding a lovely girl for you, won’t we, Eustace?
---
## BERTIE:
No, don’t do that.
---
## JEEVES:
Pardon me, sir, but I believe the other guests are more than ready for the soup course.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, dear.
---
We’d better go in.
---
Thank you, Jeeves.
---
Come, Eustace.
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, dearest.
---
Just coming.
---
## GERTRUDE:
You may serve the soup now, Jeeves.
---
## BERTIE:
Bassy, she’s broken the engagement!
---
## EUSTACE:
I know! And Uncle Rupert is restoring my allowance!
---
## BERTIE:
And we owe it all to Jeeves, who is, without a doubt, a bit of a marvel.
---
## JEEVES:
Thank you, sir.
---
## EUSTACE:
We’d better get back in.
---
Tally ho!
---
## JEEVES:
One moment, sir.
---
Your tie.
---
## BERTIE:
My what?
---
## JEEVES:
If I might suggest, sir, a shade more tightly knotted.
---
One aims at the perfect butterfly effect.
---
If you will permit me?
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves, I am once more a happy bachelor! What do ties matter at a time like this?
---
## JEEVES:
There is no time, sir, when ties do not matter.
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie, your Aunt—!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Is anyone actually planning to dine this evening?!
---
## BERTIE:
Just coming! Here I go!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
One moment, young man.
---
I want a word with you.
---
## EUSTACE:
With me?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
What precisely is going on between you and my goddaughter?
---
## EUSTACE:
Nothing… nothing!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I don’t understand what you are doing here at all, if it comes to that.
---
This was meant to be a private family celebration.
---
## EUSTACE:
I… I…
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
There is some undercurrent at work here.
---
I feel it.
---
What do you know about it, young man? Speak up!
---
## BERTIE:
Hullo, hullo, hullo.
---
What’s going on, you two? Not telling secrets, are we?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram, there is some… conspiracy at work here.
---
And you are in the thick of it.
---
## BERTIE:
I can’t imagine what you mean, Aunt Agatha.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Is there something amiss, Agatha?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I believe there is, Rupert.
---
And I shall not rest until I get the bottom of it!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I don’t understand.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Nor do I, but I intend to! Now.
---
Bertram! Sit!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace.
---
Sit!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I am waiting…
---
## GERTRUDE:
I beg your pardon, but… I’m all alone in there.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Come in, Gertrude.
---
There is some mystery here and I, for one, will not tolerate it.
---
Sit down.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Really, I—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Silence, dear.
---
Bertram is about to speak.
---
## BERTIE:
…I wasn’t, actually.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Yes.
---
You were.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, I can’t bear it! You mustn't blame Bertie.
---
Or Eustace.
---
It’s all my fault!
---
## EUSTACE:
Darling, of course it isn’t!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Darling?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What the devil is going on here?
---
## JEEVES:
Excuse me, sir, I was wondering about the soup course.
---
## EUSTACE:
Not now, Jeeves!
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, now! For god’s sake, serve the soup, Jeeves!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What do you mean, giving orders in my nephew’s home?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Your nephew’s home? This is my nephew’s home!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Don’t be ridiculous.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Ridiculous! Why you pompous old goat!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
By Jove, I can see that I’ve had a narrow escape!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
How dare you!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertie, Eustace, is there something you wish to tell us?
---
## BERTIE: & EUSTACE
No!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Nephew!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace!
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie?
---
## BERTIE:
Run!
---
(UPBEAT 20's CHASE MUSIC PLAYS)
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Come back here, you spineless worm!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Halt, I say! NOW!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace!
---
## EUSTACE:
Darling, I adore you! Sorry!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
What did he say?!
---
## BERTIE:
Bassy! Don’t say anything to anyone about anything!
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes! No! Sorry!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram! I demand an explanation!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace! I must speak with you!
---
## EUSTACE:
Can’t stop, darling.
---
Sorry!
---
(CHASE MUSIC ENDS)
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace, darling! Are you injured?
---
## EUSTACE:
I’m not entirely certain.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Get up this instant!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Careful, dearest.
---
Can you stand?
---
## EUSTACE:
I think so!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Good.
---
Deceiver! You are not the man I believed you to be!
---
## EUSTACE:
Gertrude!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Halt! I want the unvarnished truth.
---
Out with it! Is this your home or not?
---
## EUSTACE:
…Not, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Is this fellow your valet?
---
## EUSTACE:
No, Uncle.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What do you mean by playing this shabby trick?
---
## EUSTACE:
You were going to send me to India to the bottom of the jute business! And I wanted to stay here because I’m in love with Gertrude.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You deliberately led me to suppose you were a substantial businessman!
---
## EUSTACE:
Well, I have been thinking about going into business.
---
I could start a chicken farm!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
A what?!
---
## EUSTACE:
A chicken farm.
---
You buy a hen and it lays an egg every day of the week and you sell some of the eggs
---
and the rest hatch out into more chickens that lay more eggs and the money simply rolls in!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
—What?!
---
## EUSTACE:
And I could live in the country.
---
Gertrude is quite fond of the country.
---
Of course, she’s not too fond of me, just at present.
---
But then, you went and cut off my allowance—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What are you babbling about? You know nothing whatever about chickens!
---
## EUSTACE:
I know even less about jute, but that never worried you!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You lied to me about your financial status!
---
## EUSTACE:
Of course I did.
---
I don’t want to go to India! I am in love with Gertrude.
---
If you could only see your way to advancing me a bit of—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Not one penny! I disown you, sir.
---
You are dead to me!
---
## EUSTACE:
You know, Nietzsche said that it is downhearted, all-too-commonly-human attitudes like yours that stand as a mere bridge to be crossed and overcome!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Who said what?!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Nietzsche was right! Oh, my brave Eustace!
---
## EUSTACE:
Do forgive me, dearest.
---
I’ve been the most awful ass!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Yes, you have, but darling, you have such potential!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
He does not! And who is this infernal Nietzsche fellow?!
---
## JEEVES:
If I might make a suggestion, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You!
---
## JEEVES:
I beg your pardon, Sir Rupert, but if Mr. Bassington-Bassington is in need of a little ready money,
---
he might secure a tidy sum by granting an interview to several of the more spirited newspapers.
---
## EUSTACE:
An interview?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Good Lord — the press?
---
## JEEVES:
Yes indeed.
---
I fancy that some of the livelier publications would only too eager to print the story of Sir Rupert Watlington-Pipps
---
and his support of the Bolshevik cause.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Are you quite mad?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Why Sir Rupert, is that the mysterious meeting you attended earlier this evening?
---
## EUSTACE:
Bearded men with placards.
---
Why, Uncle! For shame!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I am deeply shocked.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
It was an accident.
---
I had the wrong direction, I tell you!
---
## JEEVES:
A not unknown occurrence for an officer who was widely known in the service, according to my cousin, as “Wrong Way Rupert.”
---
## EUSTACE:
No, not really?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
This is your doing! You sent me to that place!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I do believe that Jeeves is right.
---
The Chronicle would leap at a story like that! Think of the scandal!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Scandal! Eustace! You wouldn’t do this to your own uncle!
---
## EUSTACE:
But, Uncle, you disowned me.
---
I am dead to you.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I was hasty.
---
I didn’t mean it!
---
## GERTRUDE:
The Daily Mirror eats up stories of this kind.
---
They’d be sure to pay handsomely, Eustace!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace, my boy, are you going to let this young woman dictate to you?
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, yes, Uncle.
---
She’s going to mold me!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Wait! Dear boy, you’re so impetuous.
---
I was once young and in love myself, you know.
---
## GERTRUDE:
And?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I shall… of course, restore your allowance.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Aren’t you a darling? But that won’t be necessary.
---
## EUSTACE:
It won’t?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Why not?
Because I’ve pots of money of my own.
---
## GERTRUDE:
You do?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You do?
---
## GERTRUDE:
I do.
---
Now.
---
There will be no more talk of India and jute.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
No, indeed!
---
## GERTRUDE:
You, Sir Rupert, will mind where you’re going and keep away from those Bolsheviks!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
But I didn’t—
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace cannot afford to be connected in any way with radicals.
---
He is thinking of going into politics.
---
## EUSTACE:
Politics?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Yes, dear.
---
Much better than chickens.
---
## JEEVES:
If I might offer a suggestion.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Yes, Jeeves?
---
## JEEVES:
A celebratory dinner at, perhaps, the Ritz might be in order.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Do you think? But, Jeeves, you went to all the trouble to arrange dinner here—
---
## BERTIE:
Help me! For pity’s sake!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I am not finished with you, young man! The rest of you, stay right where you are.
---
Come, Bertram!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Dinner at the Ritz it is!
---
## EUSTACE:
Smashing idea!
---
## JEEVES:
I beg your pardon, but there is the small matter of informing Mrs. Spencer-Gregson of the engagement.
---
(a crash is heard from the kitchen)
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
---
She will be disappointed.
---
She had her heart set on me marrying Bertie.
---
## EUSTACE:
Will she make trouble for us?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Possibly.
---
Dear Aunt Agatha is, in her way, rather a force of nature.
---
## JEEVES:
Perhaps Sir Rupert, with his experience facing enemy fire, could handle matters tactfully.
---
## EUSTACE:
Would you, Uncle?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Do you really think you could, Sir Rupert?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
…Pots of money?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Simply oodles.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Welcome to the family, my dear! You must call me Uncle Rupert as we are to be related.
---
Now, you just leave this matter in my hands.
---
Belive me, I know how to handle Agatha!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Aren’t you the sweetest thing?
---
(a crash is heard from the dining room)
---
Come, Eustace.
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, dear.
---
(aside) Thank you ever so, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Allow me to offer my congratulations, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Eustace!
---
## EUSTACE:
Coming!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
That girl is going to be another Agatha one day.
---
## JEEVES:
The thought did occur to me, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Well, time to face the enemy.
---
Agatha!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
WHAT?!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I require a word with you!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Very well.
---
Bertram! Stay!
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves, where have you been? She had me! Look, you can still see the imprints of her talons around my throat!
---
My God, trapped in the other room with a slavering Aunt Agatha, gnashing her pointed teeth and glaring with her red eyes!
---
## JEEVES:
I do beg your pardon, sir.
---
I was attending to one or two matters out here.
---
## BERTIE:
Where are Bassy and Gertie?
---
## JEEVES:
Gone, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
And their engagement?
---
## JEEVES:
Very much on, sir.
---
Sir Rupert was persuaded to give his blessing.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves you astound me! This has been one of your very best efforts.
---
…Are we going somewhere?
---
## JEEVES:
Yes, sir.
---
At once.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
What did you say?!
---
## BERTIE:
But Jeeves, where can we go?
---
## JEEVES:
In all the excitement, sir, I somehow neglected to cancel our tickets to Cannes.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves, the Riviera?
---
## JEEVES:
Yes, sir.
---
You’ll find our bags in the hall.
---
## BERTIE:
Splendid! Oh, Jeeves, you recall that scarlet cummerbund of mine that you dislike so?
---
## JEEVES:
Sir?
---
## BERTIE:
Dispose of it, will you?
---
## JEEVES:
I have already taken the liberty of doing so, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Put that down! Don’t!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
OUT OF MY WAY!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Agatha! Control yourself!
---
## BERTIE:
Dear Lord! Jeeves, old thing, you’ve outdone yourself.
---
## JEEVES:
One endeavors to give satisfaction, sir.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram!
---
## JEEVES:
Run!
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