---
title: JEEVES part one
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---
## JEEVES:
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to First Folio Theater and this evening’s production of Jeeves Intervenes.
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We are pleased that you are able to join us and have just a few reminders for your visit to Mr. Wooster’s home.
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First, we do ask that you leave your masks on throughout the performance and whilst inside the facilities here at the Peabody Estate.
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Further, the taking of photographs, whether with a Kodak Autographic Camera, one of Mr. Eastman’s devices, or your mobile device, is strictly prohibited.
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Also, I would kindly ask that you turn off your mobile phones, watches and any other which-it who’s-it devices you may have on your person.
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Interrupting the performance would be most impolite.
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I sincerely hope you enjoy the show.
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## JEEVES:
Good morning, sir.
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## BERTIE:
(mutters incoherently)
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## JEEVES:
Quite so, sir.
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I have taken the liberty of mixing a little preparation of my own invention which proves quite efficacious at moments such as these.
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## BERTIE:
(a horrid garglng sound)
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## JEEVES:
Just so, sir.
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## BERTIE:
By Jove —! Jeeves, old thing, you are one of the wonders of the world!
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## JEEVES:
One does endeavor to give satisfaction, sir.
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## BERTIE:
I don’t suppose one could enquire—
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## JEEVES:
I’m terribly sorry, sir.
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## BERTIE:
No, no.
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Of course not.
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## JEEVES:
I’m not at liberty to divulge the contents, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Secrets of the guild and all that—
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## JEEVES:
Precisely, sir.
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## BERTIE:
No doubt about it, Jeeves, that pick-me-up of yours would produce results in anything short of an Egyptian mummy!
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Mind you, for just a touch there, I felt as though someone had touched off a bomb inside the old bean.
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But now the sun shines, the birds are a- twitter, and, generally speaking, hope dawns once more.
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## JEEVES:
As you say, sir.
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## BERTIE:
I don’t mind confessing to you, Jeeves, that the lads and I were making a bit merry at the dear old Drones Club last night.
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## JEEVES:
I had surmised as much, sir.
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## BERTIE:
It was Freddie Widgeon’s notion – indoor polo.
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No need to fuss about the weather or the state of the ponies.
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Just saddle up the old broomsticks, trusty English umbrellas for mallets and whack away in the dining room.
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## JEEVES:
Most ingenious, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Mind you, it takes the very keenest sort of concentration to make a tricky shot what with the other lads chucking dinner rolls at one.
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## JEEVES:
It would seem a most daunting task.
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## BERTIE:
I should say so.
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Still, we were in high spirits.
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One last jolly go before yours truly is compelled to bid farewell to the delights of town and motor down to the country to do the old family obligatory.
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Relations do play havoc with one’s social life, eh, Jeeves?
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## JEEVES:
So it would seem, sir.
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By any chance, was there a costume contest at the Club as well?
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## BERTIE:
What?
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## JEEVES:
I was seeking some sort of explanation for… this, sir.
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## BERTIE:
That? That’s my new cummerbund!
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## JEEVES:
I beg your pardon, sir?
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## BERTIE:
You heard me, Jeeves.
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I won it in a wager from Pongo Twistleton.
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I intend to start a new fashion trend.
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What do you think?
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## JEEVES:
I did think that perhaps the circus was in town.
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## BERTIE:
Now see here, Jeeves, there’s no use going all frosty on me.
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I intend to keep and wear that cummberbund; it is the last word in fashion!
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## JEEVES:
The very last word, sir.
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## BERTIE:
The Woosters are noted for their amiable disposition, but as the last of the Woosters, I feel compelled to take a stand vis a vis that cummberbund, Jeeves.
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Jeeves? Are you there?
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## JEEVES:
Sir?
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves, I cannot help but observe that there has been a distinct frost on the upper slopes for several days now.
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## JEEVES:
I’m terribly sorry, sir.
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## BERTIE:
I hope that you are not sulking about our trip to the South of France?
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## JEEVES:
No indeed, sir.
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I have put it from my mind entirely.
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## BERTIE:
After all, it’s hardly my fault that we were forced to cancel! Well, actually, I suppose it is my fault.
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But not, if you follow me, in way for which I could actually be faulted.
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## JEEVES:
I’m not entirely certain that I follow, sir.
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## BERTIE:
It’s her.
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You know who I mean.
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## JEEVES:
Are you, by any chance, referring to Mrs. Spencer-Gregson?
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## BERTIE:
The very same.
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My cursed Aunt Agatha, she who chews broken bottles.
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She who kills rats with her teeth.
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## JEEVES:
Yes, I have observed, sir, that Mrs. Spencer Gregson is a woman of very forceful character.
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## BERTIE:
Forceful doesn’t begin to cover it, Jeeves.
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One moment you and I are booked for Cannes to spend a jolly holiday on the jolly old Riviera.
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The next moment, Aunt Agatha buttonholes me for two minutes and I find myself clasped to the iron bosom of my family.
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Forced, mind you, forced to forgo the Riviera and instead to put in a command appearance with my nearest and dearest.
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Worthy people, of course.
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Virtuous, upright… dreary beyond belief.
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You can see why I was imbibing rather freely last night.
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From jolly Riviera to dreary country estate.
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It’s tragic, really.
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## JEEVES:
As you say, sir.
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## BERTIE:
The thing is, when Aunt Agatha wants you to do a thing you do it, or else you find yourself wondering why those fellows in olden days made such a fuss about a paltry thing like the Spanish Inquisition.
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And, mind you, I know what she’s up to with all this family togetherness nonsense.
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## JEEVES:
I did wonder if she had a matrimonial prospect in view for you, sir.
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## BERTIE:
The woman’s obsessed with marrying me off.
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It was only last week that she wrinkled her nose at me as if I were a drain that had gone bad, and then, Jeeves, then ordered me to pay particular attention to the Honourable Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode.
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Oh, I see what she’s planning.
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## JEEVES:
One does wonder if the Riviera might not have been the more prudent course of action, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Of course it would, but one glance from Aunt Agatha’s Evil Eye and my will is paralyzed.
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Paralyzed!
I rely on you to steer me safely through these troubled waters, Jeeves.
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## JEEVES:
I shall certainly do my utmost sir.
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I am acquainted very slightly with the young lady in question and I fear that she would not suit, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Of course she wouldn’t.
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The prospect doesn’t bear thinking of.
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We'd be known by as Bertie and Gertie.
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Like some dashed musical act.
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But wait, how do you know her, Jeeves?
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## JEEVES:
A niece of mine walks out with the undergardener of Miss Winklesworth-Bode’s guardian, Lord Worplesby.
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## BERTIE:
It beats me how you always know everything about everyone.
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## JEEVES:
Miss Winklesworth-Bode, I fear, could not be characterized as popular with the staff.
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She appears to be a very… improving sort of person.
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Her efforts are well meant, no doubt.
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## BERTIE:
No doubt, But, by and large, people don’t wish to be improved!
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## JEEVES:
It can be a rather daunting undertaking.
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## BERTIE:
I have an ominous foreboding that she views me as her next project.
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Just have a gander at this book Gertie lent me! I mean, look at the title, Jeeves: Types of Ethical Theory.
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## JEEVES:
Dear me.
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## BERTIE:
And just listen! The postulate or common understanding involved in speech is certainly co-extensive, in the obligation it carries, with the social organism of which language is the instrument, and the ends of which it is an effort to subserve.
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All perfectly true, no doubt, but I ask you, Jeeves, what sort of thing is that to spring on a fellow?
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## JEEVES:
It does seem a trifle obscure.
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## BERTIE:
It does indeed! The girl’s a menace.
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Still she does have a very fetching profile…
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## JEEVES:
Given your feelings, sir, one cannot help but question the wisdom of the forthcoming visit.
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## BERTIE:
Yes, I know, but there is no saying “no” to Aunt Agatha, a woman who gladly wears barbed wire next to her skin! Let us speak no more of it, Jeeves.
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To the country we must and shall go.
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## JEEVES:
As you say, sir.
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## BERTIE:
To the various relations we shall converse politely.
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## JEEVES:
Very good, sir.
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## BERTIE:
To the honourable Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode we shall not propose marriage!
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## JEEVES:
No, sir.
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## BERTIE:
You can lead a horse to the altar, Jeeves, but you cannot make it wed!
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## JEEVES:
Well put, sir.
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## BERTIE:
If Aunt Agatha thinks I'm going to wait around while she and Gertie lead me trussed, stuffed, and garnished with lemon to the altar, she's got several more thinks coming!
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## BERTIE:
I have made my decision, Jeeves! Yes, sir.
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## BERTIE:
You must hold me to it, Jeeves, at all costs.
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## JEEVES:
I shall do my very best, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Thank heaven I don’t have to cope with any of that until tomorrow when we motor down to the country.
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I refuse to give it another thought.
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Here I am, without a care in the world, without a relation in sight! As some poetical Johnnie once said, “Eat drink and be merry— something something something…”
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## JEEVES:
A message for you, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Oh yes? Excellent! I’ll wager it’s from Gussie Fink-Nottle.
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You remember him, Jeeves, the one who— oh, Good Lord! Jeeves!
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## JEEVES:
Sir?
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## BERTIE:
We’re in the soup! She’s here.
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Come to town!
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## JEEVES:
She, sir?
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## BERTIE:
Aunt Agatha! In London! Some nonsense about shopping.
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“I shall expect you to be at home as I shall be dropping by at some point.
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By the way — and right here is where she gets down to brass tacks, Jeeves! — Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode will be accompanying me.
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Such a charming girl.
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I know you two will have much to discuss.” Did you ever hear a more sinister threat?
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## JEEVES:
Does she indicate a time, sir?
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## BERTIE:
She’s too devious for that.
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Jeeves, I am not at home!
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## JEEVES:
No, sir.
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## BERTIE:
I have not been home.
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Spent the night at my club.
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Never received this note.
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## JEEVES:
Indeed, sir.
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## BERTIE:
You haven’t seen me! No notion what’s become of me!
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## JEEVES:
It shall be as a dark mystery, sir.
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## EUSTACE:
Where is he?
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## JEEVES:
I regret, sir, that Mr. Wooster is not at home.
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## EUSTACE:
Not at home!
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## JEEVES:
No, sir.
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## EUSTACE:
But he must be! He never stirs out before noon.
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Bertie!
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## JEEVES:
I’m terribly sorry, sir.
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I fear he has inexplicably vanished.
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## BERTIE:
Bassy?
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## EUSTACE:
Bertie!
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## JEEVES:
Ah, he has reappeared.
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What a shock.
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Mr. Eustace Bassington-Bassington.
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May I take your hat, sir?
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## EUSTACE:
Thank you, Jeeves.
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Terribly sorry to barge past you like that.
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## JEEVES:
Think nothing of it, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Dash it, Bassy, I can’t see you now.
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I’m making a run for it!
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## EUSTACE:
I understand.
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Just popped by to say good-bye before drowning myself in the Thames.
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## BERTIE:
What? You’re doing what?
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## EUSTACE:
I can see I’ve come at a bad time.
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I’ll go now.
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## BERTIE:
What are you blathering about, you ass?
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## EUSTACE:
I may be an ass, but at least I’m not a silly ass!
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## BERTIE:
You are!
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## EUSTACE:
No, you are!
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## JEEVES:
If that will be all, sir.
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## EUSTACE:
No, don’t go, Jeeves.
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## BERTIE:
Yes, do stay.
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I expect Bassy wants your advice.
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## EUSTACE:
Yes, well, after all Bertie— Jeeves is, in a manner of speaking, the brains of the family.
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No offense.
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## BERTIE:
None taken.
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You’re quite right.
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Oh well, have a seat and out with it.
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But, make it quick, mind you.
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I’m expecting a fire-breathing dragon on my doorstep at any moment.
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## EUSTACE:
Sorry, what?
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## BERTIE:
My Aunt Agatha is on her way.
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Probably polishing up her hatchet this very moment.
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## JEEVES:
If one might enquire as to the nature of Mr. Bassington-Bassington’s dilemma?
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## BERTIE:
Yes, Bassy, what’s driven you to drown yourself this time? Not in love again, I hope?
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## EUSTACE:
Certainly not! I told you, Bertie, I’ve sworn off the fair sex forever.
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## BERTIE:
What utter rot.
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## EUSTACE:
It’s not!
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## BERTIE:
It is! If all the girls you have loved were placed end to end — not that I suppose that would be easy to do — they would reach half way to Piccadilly.
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## EUSTACE:
Further than that, I expect.
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Some of them were pretty tall.
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## JEEVES:
One hesitates to interrupt the mathematical speculation, but am I to understand that the problem is romantic in nature?
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## EUSTACE:
No, I tell you! It’s that…other matter, Jeeves.
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## JEEVES:
Ah.
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## BERTIE:
What other matter? What’s going on?
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## EUSTACE:
Look, Bertie, I’ve got this Uncle.
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## BERTIE:
Yes, well, I know how that goes.
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I’ve got this Aunt.
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## EUSTACE:
Yes, but we are now talking about me.
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It’s my mother’s eldest brother, Sir Rupert Watlington-Pipps.
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## JEEVES:
Unfortunately, Mr. Bassington-Bassington is financially dependent upon his uncle.
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## EUSTACE:
Yes, he supplies me with the allowance that allows me to live like a prince in London.
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## BERTIE:
What piffle.
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You live like an absolute pauper!
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## EUSTACE:
I was being ironic.
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## BERTIE:
Well, stop that! It confuses me.
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So, I take it Sir Rupert is a bit of a skinflint?
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## EUSTACE:
The old blighter would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan out of tuppence.
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## BERTIE:
Ah.
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## EUSTACE:
And he has the most bizarre ideas about making a man out of me.
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## BERTIE:
Good luck to that!
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## EUSTACE:
Exactly! He’s been threatening to send me to India to learn the jute business from the bottom up.
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## BERTIE:
Good heavens!
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## EUSTACE:
I haven’t any real notion what the jute business is, but I definitely do not want to be at the bottom of it.
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## BERTIE:
I should think not.
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The mind positively reels!
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## EUSTACE:
Still, Uncle Rupert was most insistent.
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So, I asked myself, “What would Bertie do?”
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## BERTIE:
Did you?
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## EUSTACE:
And then… I did it.
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## BERTIE:
…What?
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## JEEVES:
Mr. Bassington-Bassington came to me for advice.
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## BERTIE:
Of course he did.
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## EUSTACE:
I would have come to you for advice, Bertie, but, you know, what good would that do?
I mean, you are a fairly consummate chump, after all.
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Not that I want to hurt your feelings.
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## BERTIE:
No, no, I see that.
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## EUSTACE:
So I thought I’d just put it to Jeeves.
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## BERTIE:
Right.
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And Jeeves, no doubt concocted a brilliant scheme of some sort.
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## EUSTACE:
He did!
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## BERTIE:
Jeeves is a wonder!
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## EUSTACE:
A marvel.
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What a brain!
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## BERTIE:
At least a nine and three-quarters.
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But, then, he does eat a lot of fish.
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Well, Jeeves, out with it! What did you advise?
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## JEEVES:
Well, sir, it did occur to me that if Sir Rupert were convinced that Mr. Bassington-Bassington was making a brilliant success here in London, he — Sir Rupert, that is — might forgo his plan to send the young man to India.
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## BERTIE:
A brilliant success? At what?
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## EUSTACE:
Oh, you know, business of some sort.
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## BERTIE:
Have you gone into business?
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## EUSTACE:
Of course I haven’t gone into business.
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What are you on about? What I did was write a lot of letters chock full of lies to Uncle Rupert.
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## BERTIE:
Oh, well, that’s all right then.
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## EUSTACE:
No, it’s not all right.
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There has been… a development.
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## JEEVES:
Oh, dear.
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Is there to be, by any chance, a visitation?
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## EUSTACE:
Yes! Uncle Rupert is coming to London to visit his successful nephew.
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## BERTIE:
And once he sees that fourth floor walk-up above the chemist shop that you call home—
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## EUSTACE:
Good-bye, London and jolly times.
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Hello, India and jute.
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## BERTIE:
You are in the soup.
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## EUSTACE:
Hence my decision to drown myself.
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## BERTIE:
Nonsense! Buck up! So, you’re in a pickle.
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Well, that happens.
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Certainly happens to me.
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## JEEVES:
With remarkable frequency.
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## BERTIE:
There’s only one thing to be done.
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## EUSTACE:
What?
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## BERTIE:
We shall leave it to Jeeves.
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## JEEVES:
Of course, one doesn’t like to put oneself forward, however, if I might suggest a course of action?
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## EUSTACE:
Yes, do.
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## BERTIE:
Suggest away, Jeeves.
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## JEEVES:
Sir Rupert has been corresponding with you at your place of business?
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## EUSTACE:
Birnham and Fortescue.
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## BERTIE:
Yes.
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Where?
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## EUSTACE:
Gracie Birnham and Bootsie Fortescue.
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You know them.
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## BERTIE:
Aren’t those the two girls who do that juggling act at the Variety Theatre?
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## EUSTACE:
Terribly jolly girls.
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They’ve been very sporting about letting me collect my post at their flat.
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## BERTIE:
I must say, Bassy, I had no idea you had such a flair for skullduggery.
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## JEEVES:
However, Sir Rupert will naturally expect to stay with you at your home.
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## BERTIE:
Which he will expect to be some very posh sort of digs in Mayfair or some such.
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## EUSTACE:
Um, yes.
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That is what he will expect.
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## JEEVES:
Then, sir, a respectable flat in Mayfair is what is required.
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## BERTIE:
Yes, well, where are you — No! Absolutely not.
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I’m sorry for your trouble, but no.
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## EUSTACE:
Right.
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Right.
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Well then, I’m off to the river.
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## BERTIE:
Oh, don’t be daft.
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At least, not more than you can help.
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When does the old prune arrive?
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## EUSTACE:
Tomorrow.
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Do you mean—?
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## BERTIE:
Yes, of course.
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Go pack your things.
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You can move in here and pretend this is your place.
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Temporarily, mind you.
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A few days at most!
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## EUSTACE:
Bertie, I am forever in your debt!
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## BERTIE:
Yes, you bally well are.
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You’d better wire your uncle this address.
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## EUSTACE:
Done.
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## BERTIE:
What?
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## EUSTACE:
That is—
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## BERTIE:
Oh, I see.
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You and Jeeves had already fixed this up between you!
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## EUSTACE:
Well, I—
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## BERTIE:
“I’m just off to drown myself in the Thames” indeed! I have been grossly deceived.
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## JEEVES:
I was quite certain your loyalty would prompt you to aid your friend in his difficulties.
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## BERTIE:
You know, Jeeves, I don’t mean to sound critical, I would appreciate being consulted before you sublet my flat.
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Just a thought.
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I mean, where am I supposed to stay?
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## JEEVES:
One had hoped, the Riviera, sir.
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However, even with our forced change in plans, we shall have departed London by the time Mr. Bassington-Bassington takes up residence.
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## EUSTACE:
It really is awfully sporting of you to let Uncle Rupert and I stay here, Bertie.
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I can’t tell you how grateful I am.
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How soon can you get out?
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## BERTIE:
Tomorrow, if that’s quite convenient.
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## EUSTACE:
Perfect! As long as you’re gone before noon.
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That’s when Uncle’s train arrives.
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## BERTIE:
There shouldn’t be any difficulty, as Jeeves and I are off to the country to stay with my blasted relatives.
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Jeeves, you did cancel our reservations for Cannes?
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## JEEVES:
I shall regretfully do so at the very earliest opportunity, sir.
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## BERTIE:
Blasted relatives.
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Relatives! Bassy, you rotter!
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## EUSTACE:
What did I do?
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## BERTIE:
You delayed my getaway!
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## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram!
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## EUSTACE:
I should go—
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## BERTIE:
Stand by me, coward!
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## JEEVES:
Mrs. Spencer-Greg—
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## AUNT AGATHA:
He knows who I am.
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Bertram Wilbeforce Wooster!
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## BERTIE:
Aunt Agatha! What a delightful surprise!
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## AUNT AGATHA:
Are you completely hen-witted? Did I or did I not write, telling you to expect me?
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## BERTIE:
That’s right, you did! Of course, you did.
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And here you are! What, ho! What, ho! What, ho!
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## AUNT AGATHA:
Do try not to be an ass, Bertram.
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## GERTRUDE:
Hullo, Bertie.
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## BERTIE:
I’m sorry.
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Aunt Agatha, Gertrude, may I present Mr. Eustace Bassington-Bassington, an old school chum of mine.
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Eustace, I should like you to meet my Aunt, Mrs. Spencer Gregson, and this is the Honourable Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode.
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## GERTRUDE:
How do you do.
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## EUSTACE:
(gibberish)
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## GERTRUDE:
I beg your pardon?
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## BERTIE:
Pull yourself together, Bassy.
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Do sit down, everyone.
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Anywhere at all…
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[uncomfortable silence]
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Well, isn’t this jolly? That’s what this is… jolly.
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## AUNT AGATHA:
Tell me, Mr. Bassington-Bassington, to what branch of the family do you belong?
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## BERTIE:
Bassy! What branch?
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## EUSTACE:
Nana smoo.
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Thanks just the same.
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## BERTIE:
…Right.
---
Jeeves?
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## JEEVES:
Sir?
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## BERTIE:
Know any Bassington-Bassingtons?
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## AUNT AGATHA:
Of course he doesn’t.
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Don’t be ridiculous, Bertram.
---
## JEEVES:
I am acquainted with three branches of the Bassington-Bassington family, sir, the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves knows everything.
---
## GERTRUDE:
How extraordinary.
---
## BERTIE:
Isn’t it? So.
---
England seems pretty well stocked up with Bassington-Bassingtons.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Indeed.
---
## BERTIE:
No chance of a sudden shortage, what? Right… May I offer you something, Aunt Agatha? Gertie?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Nothing, thank you.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Dear Gertrude and I are just up for the day to do some shopping.
---
## GERTRUDE:
We’re at Brown’s Hotel for the night, then back to the country on the morning train.
---
## BERTIE:
I see.
---
Well…what fun!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I understand you will be joining the family get-together.
---
Perhaps we could all travel down together!
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, that would be… I mean, absolutely… I’m not precisely sure what my plans are as yet…
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
We can settle all that at tea.
---
## BERTIE:
Tea?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Tea.
---
Tea.
---
Don’t sit there with your mouth opening and closing like a fish, Bertram.
---
We cannot stay just at present, but, having ascertained that you are indeed at home, we shall return for tea this afternoon.
---
## BERTIE:
This afternoon?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
At four o’clock.
---
Sharp.
---
Gertrude, dear, I require a brief word with Bertram.
---
There is a very fine view of the park from the dining room.
---
Perhaps you could show it to Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Of course.
---
Shall we take in the view, Mr. Bassington-Bassington?
---
## EUSTACE:
What? Oh, yes!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh! Are you all right?
---
## EUSTACE:
Perfectly! Rather! Just— you know— for a moment there— but now— indeed! Ha, ha!
---
## EUSTACE:
I do beg your pardon.
---
## BERTIE:
He’s… just a bit—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
He certainly is!
---
## BERTIE:
Well, Aunt Agatha, what—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bertram, I shall come straight to the point.
---
It is high time you were breeding.
---
## BERTIE:
…I beg your pardon?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
As the last of the Woosters, heaven help us, it is your sacred duty to carry on the Wooster name.
---
## BERTIE:
But surely—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I am a great believer in bloodlines, Bertram.
---
And it is clear to me that the Wooster blood has become dangerously thin.
---
## BERTIE:
It’s not in the least thin.
---
Possibly even verging upon fat!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't for a moment suppose you do, either.
---
The Wooster blood has thinned, I say, thinned to have produced a spineless invertebrate like you.
---
Steps must be taken.
---
## BERTIE:
But I don’t want to take steps!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Kindly do not talk drivel.
---
It is high time that you brought matters with dear Gertrude to a satisfactory conclusion.
---
## BERTIE:
I hate to disappoint you, Aunt—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
It is your destiny to disappoint me, Bertram.
---
It is young men like youreself who make a person like myself, with the future of the realm at heart, despair.
---
Cursed with too much money, too little character, and virtually no brain whatsoever.
---
## BERTIE:
I’ll have you know—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
What you require is someone with sufficient strength of mind to counteract the deficiencies of your own character.
---
Dear Gertrude is such a person.
---
She will mold you, Bertram.
---
## BERTIE:
But I don’t want to be molded! I’m not a jelly!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
That, Bertram, is a matter of opinion.
---
## BERTIE:
See here, you can’t just order me to marry… can you?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Can’t I? (bellowing) Gertrude! Come, dear, it is high time that we departed.
---
## BERTIE:
But Aunt—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
We’ll settle all this at tea.
---
This afternoon.
---
At four.
---
You may instruct your keeper to make preparations.
---
## BERTIE:
My—
---
## GERTRUDE:
She means Jeeves, of course.
---
She always refers to him as your keeper.
---
Isn’t that just killing?
---
## BERTIE:
Killing.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Madam?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Miss Winklesworth-Bode and I are taking tea with Bertram this afternoon at four.
---
I require cucumber sandwiches.
---
No crusts.
---
And Oolong tea.
---
Not Black, not Green, not Darjeeling— Oolong.
---
Is that quite clear?
---
## JEEVES:
Quite, madam.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
You may see me to the door.
---
Gertrude, say your farewells to Bertram and his… poor afflicted friend.
---
## GERTRUDE:
She means to give us a moment alone.
---
…More or less.
---
Isn’t she sweet?
---
## BERTIE:
Sweet! I’ll have you know, that woman is strongly suspected of turning into a werewolf at the full moon!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, Bertie, you are such a tease!
---
## BERTIE:
I assure you, I was never more in earnest.
---
She’s known far and wide as the Nephew Crusher!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Stop it, you naughty boy, or I shall be in the whoops!
---
Oh, Bertie, dear, you’ve been reading my book!
---
## BERTIE:
What? Oh, yes! Can’t put it down.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Splendid! When you’ve finished, we’ll have a lovely long discussion about it.
---
And then, I think, it will be high time to start you in on Nietzche.
---
## BERTIE:
What?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Nietzche.
---
## BERTIE:
Gesundheit.
---
## GERTRUDE:
What?
---
## BERTIE:
Did you sneeze?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, you naughty boy!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Gertrude!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh dear, must run! See you at tea.
---
It was lovely to meet you, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
## EUSTACE:
(Gibberish)
---
## GERTRUDE:
Er, yes.
---
Just so.
---
(affectionately) Ta, Bertie!
---
## BERTIE:
Have you gone totally bonkers? What the devil is wrong with you?
---
## EUSTACE:
I have seen a vision.
---
A goddess!
---
## BERTIE:
Are you completely off your onion?
---
## EUSTACE:
A goddess, I say.
---
And having seen her, I needs must worship.
---
## BERTIE:
I needs must give you a swift boot up the backside.
---
Now look, Bassy, I know how susceptible you are, but I absolutely forbid you to go ga-ga about Gert-the-Flirt Winklesworth-Bode.
---
Do you hear me?
---
## EUSTACE:
Gertrude, oh, dearest Gertrude.
---
You begin where Helen of Troy left off!
---
## BERTIE:
Bassy, we are in the midst of a crisis! Get hold of yourself!
---
## EUSTACE:
Do you think I made any sort of impression at all?
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, I think one could safely say that you made a sort of impression.
---
## EUSTACE:
I know I didn’t say much—
---
## BERTIE:
But what you did say was eloquent.
---
## EUSTACE:
— however it seemed to me that there was a kind of unspoken communion of souls.
---
## BERTIE:
What utter rot!
---
## EUSTACE:
There was a kind of look in her eye.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, I know that look.
---
Like a sergeant-major.
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie, I don’t expect you to understand as you have no soul, but there is a language of love that transcends mere sordid words.
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, go boil your head.
---
Jeeves! Oh.
---
## JEEVES:
I thought perhaps I ought to assist Mr. Bassington-Bassinton in packing for his forthcoming visit.
---
## BERTIE:
Unquestionably.
---
The poor loon has gone completely barmy.
---
Bassy, listen to me, I know that Gertrude is a very lively, attractive girl and all that—
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie, I am in love! It struck me all of a sudden, like a bolt from the blue, like—
---
## BERTIE:
Like a speeding train on track nine, yes.
---
Got it.
---
The thing is, Gertie is the sort of girl who expects a fellow to carve out a career and what not.
---
I know for a fact that I’ve heard her speak favourably of Napoleon.
---
## EUSTACE:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
---
## BERTIE:
Bassy, your Uncle Rupert will be here tomorrow.
---
Un-lovely, un-temperate Uncle Rupert.
---
## EUSTACE:
Rough winds do — something something — buds of May, And summer's — something — hath too short a date.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves, we’ve lost him.
---
## JEEVES:
Mr. Shakespeare, sir.
---
The sonnets.
---
## BERTIE:
Ah, I thought it was one of those poetical Johnnies.
---
(soothingly) Here we go, Eustace.
---
Go with Jeeves.
---
## EUSTACE:
You’ve got to put in a good word for me, Bertie!
---
## BERTIE:
What, with Gertrude?
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, Yes! You may not have realized, but I was just a trifle tongue-tied when first we met.
---
## BERTIE:
I didn’t notice.
---
## EUSTACE:
Speak for me, Bertie.
---
You’re clever.
---
## BERTIE:
Compared to you, I’m one of the ten great minds of England.
---
## EUSTACE:
Will you, Bertie?
---
## BERTIE:
No.
---
Get out.
---
## EUSTACE:
I’m not leaving until you promise to help me, Bertie!
---
## BERTIE:
I’m already loaning you my home to deceive your uncle, you great dimwit.
---
I refuse to get involved in your pathetic imaginary love affair with Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode.
---
I’ve got my own problems there.
---
## EUSTACE:
But, Bertie, we were at school together!
---
## BERTIE:
What’s that got to do with anything?
---
## EUSTACE:
Dear old Malvern Prep!
---
## BERTIE:
No.
---
Absolutely not.
---
## EUSTACE:
Jolly golden school days!
---
## BERTIE:
Stop it!
---
## EUSTACE:
Boyhood chums of old.
---
## BERTIE:
No! This is a definitive No!
---
## EUSTACE:
♪ Through the years that lie ahead, ♪
---
♪ With every single step♪
---
♪ We’ll recall our golden days— ♪
---
## BERTIE & EUSTACE:
♪ At dear old Malvern Prep! ♪
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, all right! Shut up!
---
## EUSTACE:
You’re a brick, Bertie.
---
Now, do impress upon her that I’ve got a serious mind and so forth.
---
## BERTIE:
I didn’t know you had any sort of mind!
---
## EUSTACE:
Do be serious, Bertie.
---
You’ve got to… I don’t know, lay the groundwork!
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, all right.
---
I shall play on her like a harp.
---
## EUSTACE:
Can you play a harp?
---
## BERTIE:
As it happen, no.
---
But as I would play a harp if I could play a harp.
---
## EUSTACE:
Topping! Oh, Gertrude, my Gertrude!
---
## BERTIE:
What a morning! Have you ever noticed, Jeeves, that just when things are humming along,
---
somewhere in the background, Fate is quietly slipping the lead in to the boxing glove?
---
## JEEVES:
Very profound, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
Look after him, Jeeves, he’s liable to go leaping merrily into the Thames and drown in earnest.
---
## JEEVES:
You may rely on me, sir.
---
I do, Jeeves.
---
I do.
---
[Tango playing]
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves! Door!
---
[Doorbell rings again]
---
Jeeves! —oh, right.
---
It’s high time you got back, you great dundering— Who the devil are you?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I am Sir Rupert Watlington-Pipps.
---
Who the devil are you?
---
## BERTIE:
I— I— I—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Speak up, you ninny!
---
## BERTIE:
See here, you can’t—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Can’t I? That’s what those rebels thought when they attacked the Regiment at Kirkekan in ’85.
---
But they were wrong, sir.
---
Wrong!
---
## BERTIE:
What?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What do you mean by standing around with your mouth hanging open.
---
Fetch my bag!
---
## BERTIE:
Look here—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
This instant! On the double.
---
March!
---
## BERTIE:
You know—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Where is my blasted nephew? A fine welcome, I must say!
---
## BERTIE:
Look, there’s been a slight—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Don’t just stand there blathering, show me to my room.
---
Gad, I cannot abide an incompetent servant!
---
## BERTIE:
You think that I—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Speak when you’re spoken to and not until then, man!
---
## BERTIE:
I am not a servant!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
On that we agree.
---
Such impertinence! I shall insist that my nephew give you the sack!
---
## BERTIE:
See here, you—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Name?
---
## BERTIE:
Sir Rupert—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Not my name, you blundering jackass! Yours!
---
## BERTIE:
Bertram Wilbeforce Wooster!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Dreadful! Without a doubt, you are the most pathetic excuse for a valet that I have ever seen! Now then, Woolrich—
---
## BERTIE:
Wooster.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Unpack my bag, but mind that you don’t pinch anything.
---
I shall know if you do.
---
## BERTIE:
Will you let me speak!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Certainly not! Pick up that bag this instant!
---
## BERTIE:
But I—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
PICK UP THAT BAG!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I do not tolerate insolence.
---
No, sir! Why if you were under my command, I’d have you flogged! Now be about your business, Woolscroft!
---
## BERTIE:
Wooster.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Silence!
---
## JEEVES:
Dear me.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Who the— You’re not my nephew!
---
## JEEVES:
No, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
Sir Rupert!
---
## JEEVES:
Yes, sir, leave it to me.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Good Lord, this place has more traffic than Waterloo Station.
---
## JEEVES:
My apologies, Sir Rupert, for not being here to welcome you properly.
---
I am Jeeves, Mr. Bassington-Bassington’ valet.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What?
---
## BERTIE:
What?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
If you are Eustace’s valet, who is that?
---
## JEEVES:
Allow me to present Mr. Bertram Wooster, Mr. Bassington-Bassington’s houseguest.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What?
---
## BERTIE:
What?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace never mentioned a houseguest.
---
## JEEVES:
No, sir? That is surprising.
---
Mr. Wooster is, I believe, an old schoolmate.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes.
---
Yes! Dear old Malvern Prep.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Extraordinary.
---
Why the devil didn’t you say something?
---
## BERTIE:
I did!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Not one word! Think you’re funny, do you?
---
## BERTIE:
Well, I—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Damned impudent puppy!
---
## JEEVES:
Most distressing, sir.
---
If I might suggest, perhaps you might like to see your room and have a short rest after your journey.
---
I would, of course, notify you upon Mr. Bassington- Bassington’s return.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Very kind, I’m sure.
---
But where is Eustace?
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, where—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Why didn’t he meet my train?
---
## JEEVES:
I am sorry to say, sir, that Mr. Bassington-Bassington seemed to be under the very definite impression that you were to arrive tomorrow.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Poppycock!
---
## JEEVES:
Most unfortunate, sir.
---
I do apologize.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Not your fault.
---
You seem a decent fellow.
---
## JEEVES:
Very kind, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, very well.
---
Show me to my room.
---
## JEEVES:
This way, sir.
---
I wonder, would you care for a hot toddy?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Excellent idea.
---
Good man!
---
## JEEVES:
Most gratified, sir.
---
## EUSTACE:
Here I am at last! I think I’ve got everything.
---
Hullo, Bertie, what’s wrong? You look all white and shaken, rather like a dry martini!
---
## BERTIE:
You ass! You dolt!
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie!
---
## BERTIE:
Blockhead!
---
## EUSTACE:
Have you gone quite mad?
---
## BERTIE:
He’s here.
---
Right here! Now! This very minute!
---
## EUSTACE:
Who is?
---
## BERTIE:
Sir Rupert Bleeding Watlington-Pipps, you great blithering oaf!
---
## EUSTACE:
What?!
---
## BERTIE:
He arrived just now!
---
## EUSTACE:
No, no! Tomorrow!
---
## BERTIE:
No, no! Today!
---
## EUSTACE:
If this is your idea of a joke, Bertie, let me tell you there is such a thing as going too far, and you have gone it!
---
## BERTIE:
Come back here!
---
## EUSTACE:
He can’t be here!
---
## BERTIE:
Well he is, and let me tell you, that man’s supply of the milk of human kindness is plainly short by several gallons!
---
## EUSTACE:
I cannot understand how this happened!
---
## BERTIE:
Could it be, oh, just off the top of my head, that you have the brain of a titmouse!
---
## EUSTACE:
I say, that’s a bit harsh!
---
## BERTIE:
Right! I mustn't disparage titmice in that fashion! (leaping) Aha! Got you!
---
## EUSTACE:
No you don’t! Look here, Bertie, Uncle Rupert wired that he was arriving on Wednesday, the 21st! This is Tuesday!
---
## BERTIE:
By Jove, you’re right.
---
Today is Tuesday.
---
## EUSTACE:
You see!
---
## BERTIE:
Tuesday, the 21st, you galloping pea brain!
---
## EUSTACE:
No!
---
## BERTIE:
Hah!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Unhand my nephew, you villain!
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle!
---
## BERTIE:
Sir Rupert!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What is the meaning of this!
---
## BERTIE:
I— He— we were merely— say something, Eustace!
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle!
---
## JEEVES:
May I be of assistance, sir?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Jeeves, fetch a constable at once.
---
This fellow assaulted my nephew!
---
## EUSTACE:
I, I, I, I, I—
---
## JEEVES:
Perhaps I can clear up what may be a misapprehension, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes! Jeeves will explain.
---
Won’t you, Jeeves?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Are you telling me there’s an explanation for what I just witnessed?
---
## JEEVES:
A very simple one, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
Childishly simple! (to JEEVES) What is it?
---
## JEEVES:
I believe Mr. Wooster and Mr. Bassington-Bassington were rehearsing for a performance.
---
An amateur theatrical of some sort.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace, am I to understand that you planning to disgrace your family by appearing on the stage?
---
## EUSTACE:
No, no! Of course, not.
---
## BERTIE:
Heaven forfend!
---
## EUSTACE:
Wouldn’t think of it!
---
## JEEVES:
I believe it is for a charity benefit of some sort, is it not, sir?
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes!
---
## BERTIE:
Charity!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
A benefit?
---
## EUSTACE: & BERTIE
For children! For the poor! Poor—
—children! Right!
---
So, you see, uh, Bertie and I— Rehearsing, as it were—
---
## EUSTACE:
Absolutely.
---
Frightfully good cause, you know— act of charity toward our fellow, albeit, less fortunate, um, you know—
---
## BERTIE:
We thought we’d do our bit to bring a bit of cheer to the poor little nippers!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
On a stage? Good God… acting!?
---
## JEEVES:
I believe Mrs. Spencer Gregson is chairing the benefit committee.
---
A most respectable lady.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Mrs. Who?
---
## BERTIE:
My Aunt Agatha.
---
Frightfully proper and all that.
---
## EUSTACE:
Simply overflowing with the, uh, milk of human whatnot.
---
## BERTIE:
What? Oh, yes.
---
Full of… compassion for the poor.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I see.
---
(grudgingly) Well, I suppose that makes it all right.
---
Not that I approve, mind you.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, no!
---
## BERTIE:
That’s quite clear.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, well… See here, Weaver.
---
## BERTIE:
Wooster.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I’d like a word with my nephew, if you don’t mind.
---
## BERTIE:
Not at all! Make yourself entirely at home.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You certainly seem to have done so…
A private word!
---
## BERTIE:
Oh! Certainly.
---
I’ll just pop off back to my—which room am I in again, Jeeves, old man?
---
## JEEVES:
Second door on the right, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
That’s it.
---
I thought so.
---
## JEEVES:
I’ll just fetch your bag, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
My what?
---
## JEEVES:
Your bag, sir.
---
It was located at Victoria Station and a porter has just now delivered it with abject apologies.
---
## BERTIE:
Well, I should think so! Very careless of them to misplace it.
---
Yes, just bring it along, Jeeves.
---
Pleased to meet you, Sir Rupert.
---
I’ll just toddle off to the guest room now.
---
Where I’m staying… I’m off.
---
Uh… right.
---
## EUSTACE:
Welcome to London, Uncle Rupert.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Why didn’t you meet my train?
---
## EUSTACE:
Yes, ah, well, I was expecting you—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Tomorrow.
---
That’s what your man said.
---
What sort of idiot could possibly mistake the date?
---
## EUSTACE:
Ah… I suppose… Bertie must have got the message wrong.
---
Silly old Bertie…
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I thought as much.
---
## EUSTACE:
Terribly decent fellow, of course.
---
But not much upstairs.
---
Still, I try to be tolerant.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Does you credit, I’m sure.
---
How long is he planning to stay?
---
## EUSTACE:
I’m not quite… Not long.
---
I think.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
This infernal rigmarole that you two were rehearsing… that his notion?
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, um, well.
---
It’s his aunt, you know, who’s in charge.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Eustace, I’m going to be brutally frank with you.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, God.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You’ve done well for yourself.
---
I’d never have believed it, but you have.
---
## EUSTACE:
Thank y—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You’re in a position now where there are those who will try to take advantage of you.
---
## EUSTACE:
Really?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Moochers.
---
Sponges.
---
Leeches who will attach themselves to you and bleed you dry.
---
## EUSTACE:
Oh, but surely—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
This Wainwright fellow—
---
## EUSTACE:
Wooster.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Very suspicious.
---
Beady little eyes.
---
Vacant expression.
---
I don’t want you falling under evil influences now that, against every expectation, you’ve managed to come up in the world.
---
## EUSTACE:
I shouldn’t call Bertie an evil influ—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Don’t be naive.
---
One only has to look at the fellow to know he’s a bounder of the very worst sort.
---
## EUSTACE:
Well…
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I shall be keeping a sharp eye on him.
---
Never fear.
---
## JEEVES:
I beg your pardon, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
Might I enquire about your plans for tea?
---
## EUSTACE:
Plans?
---
## JEEVES:
For tea, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Plans? Nothing complicated about tea.
---
Brew it.
---
Drink it.
---
No plan needed.
---
## BERTIE:
Did someone mention tea?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Heard that, did you?
---
## BERTIE:
You know who serves up a perfectly smashing tea? The Ritz! Eustace, old bean, you ought to treat your Uncle to tea at the Ritz on his first afternoon in London.
---
## EUSTACE:
What?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Balderdash.
---
Complete waste of money.
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, don’t give that a thought! Eustace is simply rolling in the oof.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Rolling in the what?
---
## BERTIE:
The oof! The dibbs! The happy cabbage, the oil of palm!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
What in God’s name are you babbling about?
---
## EUSTACE:
But Bertie—
---
## JEEVES:
If I may elucidate, Sir Rupert, I believe Mr. Wooster is attempting to suggest that
Mr. Bassington-Bassington
---
is supplied with ample funds and, as your host, would naturally insist upon paying.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Yes, well, that’s very generous, but I’ve only just arrived.
---
I don’t see why we should rush straight off—
---
## BERTIE:
There are people coming —
---
## SIR RUPERT:
People?
---
## EUSTACE:
What people?
---
## BERTIE:
The people! The people!
---
## JEEVES:
I beg your pardon, sir, but you did arrange for the woman to come and measure for new drapes today.
---
## EUSTACE:
I did?
---
## BERTIE:
Of course you did! It is your flat, after all.
---
I am merely a guest here.
---
## EUSTACE:
Ah, so you are.
---
Yes, Uncle Rupert, we’d better toddle off to the Ritz straight away.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
But I don’t want—
---
## BERTIE:
She’ll be here any moment!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Well, what of it? Stop pushing!
---
## EUSTACE:
Merely trying to assist you, Uncle— here we go!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
But I don’t have my—
---
## JEEVES:
Your hat and coat, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
Off you go!
---
## EUSTACE:
Bertie, you will remember to put in a good word for me with Gertrude, won’t you? Thanks ever so!
---
## BERTIE:
You know, Jeeves, I believe there are fellows in this world who could woo and win the heart of Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode —
---
tough, hardy chaps with strong chins and glittering eyes — but Eustace Bassington-Bassington is not one of them!
---
## JEEVES:
And yet, sir, he does seem most determined to pursue the courtship.
---
## BERTIE:
The thing one has to understand about Bassy is that, although a perfectly decent chap,
---
he has only just enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wants to eat.
---
Certainly no more.
---
Still, old school chum and all that.
---
## JEEVES:
It would seem, sir, that dear old Malvern Prep has a great deal to answer for.
---
## BERTIE:
Do you know, Jeeves, I believe you’re right.
---
But then, you always are.
---
## JEEVES:
The Honourable Gertrude Winklesworth-Bode.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Thank you, Jeeves.
---
Hullo, Bertie, who was that man?
---
## BERTIE:
—Man?
---
## GERTRUDE:
The highly irritated-looking gentleman who left with Mr. Bassington-Bassington just now.
---
## BERTIE:
Uh… plumber.
---
## GERTRUDE:
A plumber? Really? Awfully well dressed.
---
## BERTIE:
He ought to be for what he charges, ha, ha! Ha.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Is that meant to be humorous? I can never be certain with you.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes, I’m a man of mystery.
---
Evidently.
---
Where’s Aunt Agatha?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Delayed at the milliner’s.
---
She sent me on ahead.
---
I think she did it on purpose.
---
## BERTIE:
Why?
---
## GERTRUDE:
So that we could be together, silly.
---
Now, tell me, what have you done with yourself all day?
---
## BERTIE:
Done?
---
## GERTRUDE:
You must have done something, Bertie, dear.
---
Have you been out at all?
---
## BERTIE:
No… no.
---
I spent the afternoon musing on Life.
---
## GERTRUDE:
How do you mean?
---
## BERTIE:
If you come to think of it, what a strange thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I’m not entirely sure that I do.
---
## BERTIE:
Ah, splendid! Thank you, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Not at all, sir.
---
## BERTIE:
Gertie, will you pour?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Of course.
---
Now, Bertie, no more jokes.
---
I want to speak seriously to you.
---
That will be all, Jeeves.
---
## JEEVES:
Very good, miss.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertie, dear, you must think of the future.
---
You have such potential.
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, no.
---
I haven’t.
---
Really.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Yes, yes, you do.
---
Are you working?
---
## BERTIE:
Am I what?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Working.
---
You did tell me that you were thinking of getting a job.
---
## BERTIE:
Still thinking… Still thinking.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertie, Bertie, Bertie.
---
What am I to do with you?
---
## BERTIE:
Give up, I’m afraid.
---
I’m clearly a hopeless cause.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I don’t believe that for a moment.
---
## BERTIE:
See here, Gertie, there is something I want to speak to you about particularly.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh?
---
## BERTIE:
You see, well, this is dashed awkward.
---
The thing is… I have this friend…
---
## GERTRUDE:
Really? Do go on, Bertie, darling.
---
## BERTIE:
I feel like such a fool even bringing it up.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Mustn’t be shy.
---
## BERTIE:
The fact is, this friend of mine is… perfectly potty about you.
---
Over the moon.
---
Round the bend.
---
Unfit for civilized society and so forth.
---
And, you know, he’s a bit— well, he’s a bit of an ass, really.
---
Looks at you sideways and gets all tongue-tied.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Does he, Bertie?
---
## BERTIE:
Oh, good lord, yes.
---
So he, this friend, asked me to ask you if you mightn’t find it in your heart to take pity on the poor fish and, oh I don’t know, toss a smile or two his way.
---
There, it’s out.
---
Bit sticky, but, I mean what's a fellow to do?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Don’t say any more.
---
## BERTIE:
…I wasn't going to actually.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, Bertie, you are so very funny!
---
## BERTIE:
…Am I?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Yes, of course you are, you great silly.
---
## BERTIE:
…All right, but what about this chappie I’ve been on about? Any thoughts about his plight?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Please do assure this “friend” of yours that his attentions are not unwelcome.
---
In fact, quite the contrary!
---
## BERTIE:
…Really? I must confess, Gertie, I’m a bit taken aback.
---
Do you— you don’t mean— have you guessed his identity?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Of course I have!
---
## BERTIE:
Well, I can see that I shall have to press down the mental accelerator to keep up with you! You are the cleverest girl.
---
## GERTRUDE:
And you are most adorably bashful young man!
---
## BERTIE:
…Am I?
---
## GERTRUDE:
I really had no notion.
---
## BERTIE:
No notion about what?
---
## GERTRUDE:
About the depth of your feelings.
---
## BERTIE:
My what?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertie, darling, I’m so very glad you’ve spoken at last.
---
## BERTIE:
I— I— You know, I don’t think I expressed myself too well just now.
---
## GERTRUDE:
The words may have been halting, but what do mere words matter?
---
## BERTIE:
No, they matter!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Nonsense.
---
My heart has heard your heart calling… and, Bertie, my heart has answered.
---
## BERTIE:
Has it? —Jeeves!
---
## GERTRUDE:
What is it Bertie? You’ve gone all pale.
---
## BERTIE:
No, have I?
---
## GERTRUDE:
To think we’ve known each other for years and I never realized that you were in love…
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves! Dear Lord, Jeeves!
---
## JEEVES:
Sir?
---
## BERTIE:
The tea— it’s gone cold.
---
Do you think we might have some fresh?
---
## JEEVES:
Right away, sir.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I think I’ll just freshen up a bit before Aunt Agatha gets here.
---
I’m sure I must look a fright.
---
## BERTIE:
Yes!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I do?
---
## BERTIE:
No! Of course not.
---
Still, I expect you’ll want to powder the old nose and all that, what? Jeeves?
---
## JEEVES:
This way, Miss Winklesworth-Bode.
---
## GERTRUDE:
I won’t be a moment.
---
## BERTIE:
No hurry! None.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves! My cunning plan to arouse Gertie’s interest in Bassy may have gone just the tiniest bit awry.
---
## JEEVES:
Dear me, whoever would have guessed? Excuse me, sir.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
I won’t be a moment, I tell you!
---
## BERTIE:
Sir Rupert! Bassy! What are you doing here?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
He lives here.
---
I am his guest.
---
A better question is, what are you doing here?
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle Rupert forgot his walking stick — honestly, we won’t be a moment.
---
## BERTIE:
For god’s sake, hurry!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
See here, you—
---
## EUSTACE:
We had better press on, Uncle.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Very well, but I shall want to have a very serious discussion with you over tea.
---
## EUSTACE:
I shall certainly look forward to that.
---
They’re not here, are they?
---
## BERTIE:
Gertie’s in the other room.
---
Aunt Agatha will be here any second!
---
## EUSTACE:
Gertrude is here! Bertie, did you put in a word for me? Tell her how I felt about her?
---
## BERTIE:
I did.
---
Just sort of hinted a bit, you know.
---
## EUSTACE:
How did it go over?
---
## BERTIE:
My eloquence was not without its effect.
---
However it is just possible that she may have misunderstood.
---
## EUSTACE:
Misunderstood how?
---
## BERTIE:
Well—
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Good afternoon, Jeeves.
---
Bertram.
---
Oh.
---
Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
You’re still here.
---
Are you taking tea with us?
---
## EUSTACE:
Uh—
---
## BERTIE:
Actually, he was just on his way out.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
How nice… You mustn't let us detain you.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Oh, Aunt Agatha, you’ve arrived! Hullo, again, Mr. Bassington-Bassington.
---
Has Bertie told you two our wonderful news?
---
## EUSTACE:
News?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Why, no.
---
What news?
---
## BERTIE:
It’s nothing, really.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Nothing! What a thing to say!
Aunt Agatha, Bertie has confessed his love and he and I are to be married!
---
## EUSTACE:
What!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Splendid! This is marvelous! (furiously)
---
## EUSTACE:
It’s unbelievable!
---
## BERTIE:
Something of a shock, eh, what?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Gertrude, dear, come embrace me.
---
I couldn’t be more delighted.
---
And so grateful dear, that you are willing to tackle a worm like Bertram.
---
## BERTIE:
I beg your pardon?
---
## GERTRUDE:
There really is a great deal of good in him.
---
## EUSTACE:
There is not.
---
## GERTRUDE:
It just needs someone to bring it out.
---
I know that I can make something of him! The poor boy just needs someone to take him firmly in hand!
---
## BERTIE:
I don’t! Really!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Bless you, dear Gertrude.
---
You are so very brave! Goodness, there is so much to do!
---
## BERTIE:
Do?
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
We had better stay over in town for an extra day and start right in on the arrangements.
---
## BERTIE:
Arrangements?
---
## GERTRUDE:
That sounds simply divine!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
And then, of course, we should discuss the question of where you’ll want to reside after
you’re married.
---
## BERTIE:
Now wait—
---
## GERTRUDE:
Indeed yes.
---
I have a number of very definite ideas about that!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Be advised by me, my dear, the very first thing you want to do is get rid of Jeeves.
---
## BERTIE:
What?!!
---
## GERTRUDE:
I couldn’t agree more.
---
Frankly, I’ve never really cared for the man.
---
## BERTIE:
I absolutely forbid such a thing!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Don’t be ridiculous, Bertram.
---
Still, my dear, we ought to make use of the fellow while he’s still in service.
---
Oh, I know just the thing! Perhaps a small dinner party tomorrow evening.
---
Something intimate…just the family.
---
Come, Gertrude, let us consult with Jeeves about the menu.
---
## GERTRUDE:
Isn’t this exciting, Bertie darling?
---
## EUSTACE:
You blighter! (backing away)
---
## BERTIE:
Now, Bassy—
---
## EUSTACE:
You fiend in human shape!
---
## BERTIE:
There’s been a misunderstand—
---
## EUSTACE:
To think that I believed you were my friend! But the scales have fallen from my eyes at last!
---
## BERTIE:
Look, you ass, I did tell her about you! But she evidently thought I was talking about— ow!—me!
---
## EUSTACE:
Rotter! To think that I have been betrayed by a Malvern Prep boy!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Stop it this instant! HALT!
---
## EUSTACE:
Uncle!
---
## BERTIE:
Sir Rupert!
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You! How dare you lay hands on my nephew!
---
## BERTIE:
There’s a perfectly simple explana—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Don’t hand me that tommyrot about rehearsing.
---
My Aunt Fanny! Do you take me for a fool? You there, Weaver, Watson, Wilson— whatever you call yourself, I want you out!
---
## BERTIE:
Out?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Out! This instant, sir! Out of my nephew’s flat and out of his life! And no arguments from you, Eustace.
---
## EUSTACE:
No, indeed, Uncle.
---
You were absolutely right about him.
---
He is a scoundrel and a very bad influence!
---
## BERTIE:
Well, I like that— after all I’ve done for you!
---
## EUSTACE:
You’ve done for me all right.
---
I think you had better leave.
---
## BERTIE:
Leave! Where am I supposed to go?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
You should have thought of that before attacking my nephew! Jeeves!
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves!
---
## EUSTACE:
Jeeves!
---
## JEEVES:
Dear me.
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Throw this reprobate out!
---
## BERTIE:
Eustace, I shall be forced to speak—
---
## SIR RUPERT:
No you don’t! We’ve heard quite enough from you, you black-hearted scoundrel.
---
Out you go!
---
## JEEVES:
Allow me to show you the door, Mr. Wooster.
---
## BERTIE:
Jeeves!
---
## JEEVES:
It’s for the best, sir.
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
What in the name of heaven is going on in here?
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertie, are you leaving?
---
## SIR RUPERT:
Agatha!
---
## AUNT AGATHA:
Rupert!
---
## EUSTACE:
Have you two met?
---
## SIR RUPERT & AUNT AGATHA:
No!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Bertram Wilbeforce Wooster, I demand to know what is going on!
---
## BERTIE:
Lovely to see you all.
---
Sadly, I must pop off.
---
Jeeves will explain.
---
Ta!
---
## GERTRUDE:
Jeeves?
---
## EUSTACE:
Jeeves!
---
## AUNT AGATHA AND RUPERT:
Jeeves!
---
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---
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