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## P1:
Good evening everyone.
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We are gathered here today to honor the memory of a wonderful woman.
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A badass woman! And although this woman’s time on earth was tragically cut short, we’re here to celebrate her life.
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Are y’all with me?
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If y’all are here for this celebration of life let me hear you say “Hell yeah!”
Thank you so much.
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I believe if the dearly departed was here today, she would appreciate all the love that’s in the room right now.
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Lord rest her soul.
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## NIKKI:
♪ THE ONE YOU LOVE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO LET YOU DOWN EVERY TIME.
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EVERY TIME, OH, EVERY TIME. ♪
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♪ JUST BE SURE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT NO ONE BY YOUR SIDE ♪
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♪ 'CAUSE IN LIFE, THE STRONG SURVIVE ♪
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♪ I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT I BET YOU NEVER HEAR ♪
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♪ I WANNA TELL THE TRUTH, IF YOU'LL PROMISE ME YOUR EAR ♪
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♪ SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A FRIEND CLOSER TO YOU THAN YOUR KIN, ♪
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♪ BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THOSE WHO CLOSE BETRAY YOU IN THE END ♪
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♪ STOLE THE JOY FROM YOUR GRIN AND TOSSED IT IN THE WIND DON'T CHANGE WITHIN, ♪
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♪ JUST GROW A THICKER SKIN ♪
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♪ BACKSTABBERS HAVE TO BE CLOSE TO GET THE KNIFE IN, ♪
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♪ SO YOU GOTTA GUARD YOUR HEART WITH THE FORCE OF 40 ♪
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♪ MEN I'M GONNA TELL U CLEARLY THAT I THINK IT’S KINDA SILLY ♪
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♪ THAT WE'RE TAUGHT TO FEAR A STRANGER ♪
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♪ WHILE THE DANGER IS NEAR ♪
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♪ I KNOW NOBODY'S PERFECT AND THE WORLD IS FULL OF HURT ♪
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♪ BUT THE ONES YOU LOVE SHOULD NEVER BE THE ONE CAUSING TEARS ♪
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♪ PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD US KEEP OUR ENEMIES CLOSE, ♪
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♪ SO WE GROWING INTO NOT KNOWING A FRIEND FROM A FOE ♪
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♪ WILL THE DAY EVER SHOW WHERE PEOPLE KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG, ♪
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♪ HOPE SO, BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW ♪
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♪ THE ONE YOU LOVE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO LET YOU DOWN EVERY TIME. ♪
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♪ THAT AIN'T RIGHT, NO, THAT AIN'T RIGHT. ♪
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♪ SO JUST BE SURE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT NO ONE BY YOUR SIDE. ♪
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♪ 'CAUSE IN LIFE, THE STRONG SURVIVE. ♪
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♪ NOW THERE ARE PLENTY REASONS TO STAY MAD AT LIFE ♪
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♪ BUT ALL THE REASONS LEAD TO RELIVING YOUR STRIFE. ♪
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♪ CUZ BY THE TIME YOU LINGER ON HOW SOMEONE WASN'T NICE, ♪
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♪ STAYING MAD, FEELING BAD, YOU LIVIN’ THROUGH YOUR PAIN TWICE. ♪
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♪ DON'T DO IT TO YOURSELF, CUZ HAPPINESS HAS A PRICE, ♪
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♪ AND THE PRICE IS FORGIVENESS, A GRUDGE IS A VICE. ♪
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♪ THEY HURT YOU, THEY SLICED AT THE THREADS OF YOUR LIFE ♪
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♪ BUT WHAT'S TEARING YOU APART IS HOLDING ON TO BEING RIGHT. ♪
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♪ FORGIVING IS HARD, LIKE BREAKING THROUGH PRISON BARS ♪
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♪ BUT THE HEALING WON’T START TIL YOU LET GO OF THE SCARS. ♪
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♪ STRONG PEOPLE FORGIVE AND GET THE PAIN OUT THEIR SYSTEM ♪
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♪ WEAK PEOPLE RELIVE AND THEY KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM. ♪
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♪ PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD US KEEP OUR ENEMIES CLOSE, ♪
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♪ BUT I'D RATHER KEEP MY DISTANCE THAN BE PHONEY TO A FOE. ♪
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♪ BEST WISDOM TO OWN IS KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO, ♪
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♪ BUT THAT'S SOMETHING U ALREADY KNOW. ♪
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♪ THE ONE YOU LOVE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO LET YOU DOWN EVERY TIME. ♪
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♪ DON'T YOU CRY, NO, DON'T YOU CRY. ♪
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♪ SO JUST BE SURE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT NO ONE BY YOUR SIDE. ♪
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♪ 'CAUSE IN LIFE, THE STRONG SURVIVE. ♪
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♪ THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE STRONG SURVIVE, ♪
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♪ THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE STRONG SURVIVE. ♪
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♪ RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT ♪
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♪ THE ONE YOU LOVE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO LET YOU DOWN EVERY TIME. ♪
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♪ DRY YOUR EYES, YOU DRY YOUR EYES. ♪
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♪ SO JUST BE SURE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT NO ONE BY YOUR SIDE. ♪
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♪ 'CAUSE IN LIFE, THE STRONG SURVIVE. ♪
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♪ THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE STRONG SURVIVE, ♪
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♪ THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE STRONG SURVIVE. ♪
---
## NIKKI:
Hi.
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That’s me.
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I’m intelligent, I’m attractive, and my booty is medium-sized but I make up for it by having big titties.
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Because balance is important.
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People like me.
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Growing up a nerd sucked as a kid, but as an adult my inability to fit in makes me stand out.
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People like me, and they often make the mistake of believing that I’m “cool.”
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That’s a damn lie, but I let them run with it.
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Like all “cool” people, I have lots of followers on social media and I post pictures of my awesome life doing awesome things all the time.
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I’m sexy.
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I’m confident.
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I’m well-connected.
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People like me.
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#Nobody knows how often I wish I was dead.
---
Now, when I say “I wish I was dead” I don’t mean I have some kind of badass self destructive streak that makes me wanna do all the drugs and sex all the penises and go out in a blaze of glory.
---
[echoes]
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Hell naw.
---
## NIKKI:
What I mean by “I wish I was dead” is I’m living with chronic depression and I literally want to disappear from the face of earth
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so that seeing everyone I know be happy while I act tough and sit at home lonely because I’m too afraid to open up and get hurt again will be some shit I no longer have to do.
---
I have been through some shiiiit.
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And that shit led to me being among the 1 in 5 Americans who are living with mental health issues right now.
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Yeah, there are millions of people walking around pretending that they’re ok when they’re not.
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And I’m one of them.
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You can’t just look at someone and know they have depression.
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You can’t see depression, or hear depression, or smell depression… well… I mean there was that one time
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when I didn’t shower for a week and after the fact my best friend told me I “smelt how I felt.” But you know what I mean.
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Depression and anxiety ain’t no joke.
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Most days, I don’t wanna do things, or experience stuff.
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I don’t wanna wash my ass, I don’t wanna go to work, I don’t wanna have sex, I don’t wanna see my friends.
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I don’t even wanna be here right now.
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Damn near every day I wake up is a struggle.
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But that’s all about to change.
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## ECHOES:
Why?
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## NIKKI:
Huh?
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## ECHOES:
Why?
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## NIKKI:
What?
---
## ECHOES:
Why?!?
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## NIKKI:
Why?
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Because I decided that since I can’t turn my life around, I’m just gonna end it.
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You think I wanna be living this way?
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## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
Hellll naw.
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## NIKKI:
You think I’m about to spend the rest of my life crazy and alone?
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## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
Hellll naw.
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## NIKKI:
You think I expect somebody else to put up with me when I don’t even wanna do it?
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## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
Hellll naw.
---
♪ SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE A SMILE ON YOUR FACE ♪
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♪ WHEN YOU AIN’T HIDING PAIN BEHIND IT THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO ESCAPE ♪
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♪ WHEN ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ARE RACING, RACING, ♪
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♪ YOU CAN’T KEEP UP THE PACE ♪
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SO YOU WOULD RATHER CANCEL PLANS THAN BE FEELING OUT OF PLACE. ♪
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♪ AND HELL NAW, I AIN’T COMPLAINING, ♪
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♪ I’M JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND ♪
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♪ WHY IT’S SO DAMN HARD TO LOVE ME OR EVEN TO BE MY FRIEND. ♪
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♪ WISH YOU COULD CRAWL IN MY SKIN SO I COULD MAKE YOU COMPREHEND ♪
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♪ STUCK INSIDE MYSELF AND I DON’T THINK NO ONE CAN SAVE ME, MAN. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE. ♪
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DIG DEEPER.
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DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME ♪ BABE. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME NOW, NOT HOW I’M FEELING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD TRUST ME NOW, OH NO, NO REALLY. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD LOVE ME NOW, SO I’M JUST CHILLING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME NOW, NOT HOW I’M FEELING.♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD TRUST ME NOW, OH NO, NO REALLY. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD LOVE ME NOW, SO I’M JUST CHILLING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ AIN’T BEING TRAGIC OR DRAMATIC, PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME. ♪
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♪ NOT TO WHAT YOU THINK I’M SAYING BUT THE WORDS THAT I SPEAK. ♪
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♪ SOMETIMES I OVERTHINK. ♪
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♪ MY MOOD DIPS LOW WHEN I’M VEXED. ♪
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♪ DON’T KNOW IF I WANNA BE ALONE OR GO SEE MY EX. ♪
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♪ PLEASE DON’T TRY TO SAVE ME, YOU AIN’T WALKED IN MY SHOES. ♪
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♪ I’M PRAYING YOU DON’T PREACH THE GOSPEL WHILE I’M SINGING THE BLUES. ♪
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♪ I’M SAYING YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND BUT YOU INSIST THAT YOU DO. ♪
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♪ SO WHEN YOU INSIST THAT I LISTEN I’MA SIMPLY REFUSE. ♪
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♪ AND HELL NAW, I AIN’T COMPLAINING, ♪
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♪ I’M JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND ♪
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♪ WHY IT’S SO DAMN HARD TO LOVE ME OR EVEN TO BE MY FRIEND. ♪
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♪ WISH YOU COULD CRAWL IN MY SKIN SO I COULD MAKE YOU COMPREHEND ♪
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♪ STUCK INSIDE MYSELF AND I DON’T THINK NO ONE CAN SAVE ME, MAN. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE.
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DIG DEEPER.
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DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE.
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♪ DIG DEEPER. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME NOW, NOT HOW I’M FEELING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD TRUST ME NOW, OH NO, NO REALLY. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD LOVE ME NOW, SO I’M JUST CHILLING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME NOW, NOT HOW I’M FEELING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD TRUST ME NOW, OH NO, NO REALLY. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD LOVE ME NOW, SO I’M JUST CHILLING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE.
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DIG DEEPER.
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DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE.
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DIG DEEPER.
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DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER, DIG DEEPER YOU GON’ FIND ME BABE. ♪
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♪ DIG DEEPER. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME NOW, NOT HOW I’M FEELING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD TRUST ME NOW, OH NO, NO REALLY. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD LOVE ME NOW, SO I’M JUST CHILLING. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
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♪ WANT ME LIKE THIS, WANT ME LIKE THIS. ♪
---
## NIKKI:
My battle with depression has been drama, man.
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That’s why I never took the option of suicide off the table.
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Has anybody here ever played the game Monopoly?
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Suicide is like life’s Get Outta Jail Free card.
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And to be honest, I think that people who think suicide is selfish are selfish as fuck.
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## ECHO 1:
How dare you attempt to end your suffering!
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## ECHO 2:
Did you even stop to consider how it would affect ME?
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## NIKKI:
Damn.
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I didn’t mean to hurt you.
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I guess I’ll just keep waking up to a living hell everyday so that YOU won’t feel sad.
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## ECHO 1:
Thank you!
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## ECHO 2:
I’m glad I could talk some sense into you.
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## NIKKI:
Personally, the option to kill myself has given me a sense of security,
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because when I first started confronting my depression, I did not have an awesome support system.
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I had ONE friend who understood, a toxic boyfriend, and a family who was more likely to cuss me out and try to fight me than to give me a hug.
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I’m not kidding.
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I have an aunt who is a nurse who almost got into a fistfight in the hospital twice while my mom was battling cancer--
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## ECHO 1:
Wait… excuse me… Are you serious?
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## NIKKI:
I’m serious.
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## ECHO 1:
Really?
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## NIKKI:
Yup. ECHO!?
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## NIKKI:
Yup.
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## ECHO 1:
Girl!
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## NIKKI:
I know.
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Like, if ANYBODY should understand why that’s not appropriate, it would probably be the medical professional, right?
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Yeah.
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You see why I don’t really fuck with my family right?
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## VIDEO:
Now let’s be honest.
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You can’t tell me that you have never experienced depression.
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Even if you are lucky enough to have never been through it yourself, you had to have encountered somebody dealing with it in your life.
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## NIKKI:
Hey, I’m telling this story here! When I recall my earliest memories of depression, it’s not the thought of my father staggering through the door late at night and my mom accusing him of being drunk or high.
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And it’s not the thought of my mom crying alone on the living room floor listening to the radio when after she finally left my dad and had to raise 3 kids on her own.
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Nah.
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My earliest memory of depression was when I kinda sorta dropped outta high school and ran away from home and crossed-dressed for like 3 months so that I could live with my friends and not get caught… I know that sounds like I was a little asshole but hear me out.
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In order for you to understand why I dropped outta high school, I have to first explain my relationship with my mother.
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My momma and I are just alike, we are damn near the same person.
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So naturally, that means…
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## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
She ain’t trust me.
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## NIKKI:
My mom got pregnant at 15 and married at 16 and was married to my dad for about 20 years.
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My mother was pretty her entire life.
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Unlike my mom, when I hit my preteens, I stopped being cute.
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And boys made sure I knew it, too.
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I was about 10 years old when my parents split and my mother had to go into hiding to get away from my dad.
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Cuz when he was on drugs he would do shit like slash her tires.
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So she couldn’t go to work.
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To provide for his children.
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Hashtag relationship goals! My
mom and my siblings and I actually lived in battered women’s shelters for maybe 6 months.
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Then we moved into an apartment in the…
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## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
HOOD-hood--
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## NIKKI:
in Chicago.
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And that was like culture shock for me, cuz I went from having a bougie two parent home with a swing-set in the backyard to a one parent home where it was NEVER safe to play outside.
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My only social life was the afterschool program at my little brother’s daycare.
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Several other girls my age were there, and we used to make up games to entertain ourselves.
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One of our favorite games at the daycare was one where we each wrote a love letter to ourselves from whatever famous boy we liked.
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Then we would put the love letters in a pile and read them one by one, and we all had to guess who wrote the letter.
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Yes, it was a dumb ass game but we were poor and there wasn’t no Internet so what the hell else were we gonna do, duh?
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So anyway… I would always lose this game because of my terrible penmanship.
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But ONE DAY, I got smart and disguised my handwriting… And I finally won the game.
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Yeah… It was a pretty big deal around the daycare.
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After that epic win, I took my love letter home and tucked it into the pocket of my Talking Mickey Mouse toy, and then completely forgot about it… until the day my mom found it.
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I remember seeing my mom walk in the house that day to pick me up after a visit with my granny.
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Her perfume was breezing throughout the entire kitchen and wearing her high heels and looking so pretty.
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She was dealing with a lot of stress and a lot of pain… but damn it, she hid it well.
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At that time my mom had never gone to therapy or read self-help books to heal the trauma she was facing.
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Nahhh… She did what a lot of single moms do.
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She just kept going.
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After my mom settled in and got a big plate of the cabbage and neckbones
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that my granny had made, she sat beside me and told me she’d cleaned up my room and found a love letter from a boy.
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Now, I was legit confused, because boys didn’t like me.
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Boys didn’t even wanna sit next to me on the school bus, just in case somebody might think they liked me.
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Then my mom told me where she’d found the love letter, and I laughed.
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I was like “Nah momma, I wrote that.
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It was part of a game.”
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She looked me in my eyes and said “Nikki, I know you didn’t write it because your handwriting is atrocious!
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So tell me the truth or I’m gonna take you outside and whoop your ass.”
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## NIKKI:
“Momma! I’m not popular, boys don’t like me.”
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[echoes]
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“Momma! I’m not popular, boys don’t like me.
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Momma! I’m not popular, boys don’t like me! Momma! I’m not popular, boys don’t like me! Momma! I’m not popular, boys don’t like me.”
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## NIKKI:
My explanation was interrupted with a smack to the face.
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A punch to the stomach.
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And a push to the ground.
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That day, my mom had no intentions of putting me over her knee and spanking me.
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This was a beating.
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My mom didn’t know that by teaching me that its ok for people you love to hurt you,
---
she was setting me up have fucked up relationships in the future.
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I understand now that my mom thought that by disciplining me this way,
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she was preventing me from walking in her shoes of being a young mother stuck in a bad situation.
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Of her 3 children, I was the one who reminded her the most of herself.
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So my mom didn’t trust me.
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And with every slap, kick, choke, and pull of my hair that day, the feeling became mutual.
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I lied to my mother that night and told her a boy wrote the love letter just to get her to stop.
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And it worked.
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So at 11 years old, I lost all trust in my mom.
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## ECHO 2:
She ain’t trust me.
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## NIKKI:
That lack of trust kept me from telling her the truth when I got raped a year later, she found out from my school’s principal.
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## ECHO 1:
She ain’t trust me.
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## NIKKI:
It kept me from explaining why I stopped wanting to go to church, she beat me one time because of my choice and that was that.
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## ECHO 2:
She ain’t trust me.
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## NIKKI:
And ultimately, the lack of trust culminated in me running away from home and dropping out of high school.
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♪ DON'T BE TELLING ME WHAT TO SAY MAN ♪
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♪ DON'T BE TELLING ME HOW TO ACT ♪
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♪ IF WHAT YOU SAY AIN'T MADE YOU GREAT THEN ♪
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♪ HOW U EXPECT ME TO HONOR THAT ♪
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♪ EVERYBODY SO PLAIN EVERYBODY SO SAME ♪
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♪ EVERYBODY STAND OUT THE EXACT SAME WAY ♪
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♪ WE DON'T FIT IN, WE GOT THICK SKIN ♪
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♪ CATS BEEN BAD SINCE WE WAS KITTENS ♪
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♪ I'MA BE THE CREATURE THAT THE STREETS DON'T HAVE ♪
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♪ SO FEED THE BEAST, I'LL CREAM YO ASS ♪
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♪ WATCH THE CLOCK ♪
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♪ TIME'S ON MY SIDE LIKE MY MOM WAS THE TICK AND MY POPS WAS THE TOCK ♪
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♪ BEEN BADASS SINCE MY FIRST TOOTH DON'T NEED NOBODY LOVE FOR PROOF ♪
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♪ AND THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪
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♪ BUT WHEN U THINK THAT WAY ♪
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♪ U KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ♪
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♪ THEY SAY I’M CRA-A-A-A-ZA-Y-EH-EH-EH ♪
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♪ BUT I’LL NEVER CHA-A-A-A-EH-Y-EH-EH-EH-A-Y-EH-EH-ANGE ♪
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♪ MY MIND AIN’T RIGHT ♪
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♪ TOLD MY MOMMA, MY DADDY ♪
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♪ "YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE" ♪
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♪ THEY SAY I'M CRAZY, WELL MAYBE ♪
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♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT♪
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♪ TOLD MY SISTER, MY BROTHER ♪
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♪ THERE AIN'T NO WRONG OR RIGHT ♪
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♪ THEY SAY I'M CRAZY, WELL MAYBE ♪
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♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT ♪
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♪ HOW U GON TELL ME HOW WHAT TO DO MAN HOW U GON TELL ME WHO TO BE ♪
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♪ IF YOUR LIFE'S SO PRIME WHY U TRYING TO LIVE MINE YOU CAN'T BE A
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♪ BETTER ME THAN ME ♪
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♪ CAN'T WALK IN MY SHOES WHILE MY FEET STILL IN EM ♪
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♪ EVERYBODY PLAY THE SAME GAMES, I RATHER WIN EM ♪
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♪ EVERYBODY FAMOUS, EVERYBODY HEART COLD ♪
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♪ EVERYBODY SAY THEY MAKE MOVES, EVERYBODY DON’T I'M NOT FAN, ♪
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♪ BUT I'M A GAMBLING MAN ♪
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♪ I'LL RISK IT ALL ON THE CARDS IN MY HAND ♪
---
♪ I'D RATHER BE THIS THAN THE ROLE YOU'RE PLAYING CUZ YOU PUT ON A SHOW ♪
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♪ I’M SHOWING WHO I AM AND THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪
---
♪ I DON'T NEED NO APPROVAL FROM YOU ♪
---
♪ BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW ♪
---
♪ WHEN YOU THINK THAT WAY ♪
---
♪ WHAT THEY GON SAY ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY I’M CRA-A-A-A-ZA-Y-EH-EH-EH ♪
---
♪ BUT I’LL NEVER CHA-A-A-A-EH-Y-EH-EH-EH-A-Y-EH-EH-ANGE MY MIND AIN’T ♪
---
♪ RIGHT ♪
---
♪ TOLD MY MOMMA, MY DADDY ♪
---
♪ "YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE" ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY I'M CRAZY, WELL MAYBE ♪
---
♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT ♪
---
♪ TOLD MY SISTER, MY BROTHER ♪
---
♪ THERE AIN'T NO WRONG OR RIGHT ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY I'M CRAZY, WELL MAYBE ♪
---
♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT♪
---
♪ I AM TROUBLE, WHAT SHOULD I FEAR? ♪
---
♪ REBELS DON'T CRY, WHY SHOULD I TEAR? ♪
---
♪ BRING PAIN TO SOMETHING WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING ♪
---
♪ I AM THE NOISE, WHAT SHOULD I HEAR? ♪
---
♪ ENOUGH CAKE COMING IN AND IT'S FATTENING ♪
---
♪ BLOW MINDS LIKE HEADS UNFASTENING ♪
---
♪ OLD FOLKS SCREAM OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING ♪
---
♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT, IT DON'T HAVE TO BE ♪
---
♪ CRA-A-A-A-ZA-Y-EH-EH-EH ♪
---
♪ BUT I’LL NEVER CHA-A-A-A-EH-Y-EH-EH-EH-A-Y-EH-EH-ANGE ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY I’M CRA-A-A-A-ZA-Y-EH-EH-EH ♪
---
♪ BUT I’LL NEVER CHA-A-A-A-EH-Y-EH-EH-EH-A-Y-EH-EH-ANGE ♪
---
♪ MY MIND AIN’T RIGHT ♪
---
♪ TOLD MY MOMMA, MY DADDY ♪
---
♪ "YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE" ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY I'M CRAZY, WELL MAYBE ♪
---
♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT ♪
---
♪ TOLD MY SISTER, MY BROTHER ♪
---
♪ THERE AIN'T NO WRONG OR RIGHT ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY I'M CRAZY, WELL MAYBE ♪
---
♪ MY MIND AIN'T RIGHT ♪
---
## NIKKI:
My first experience with “mental health” was nottttt pleasant.
---
## NIKKI & ECHO 1:
I was 16 years old and was completely anti everything.
---
## ECHO 1:
I was vegetarian cuz I was anti meat.
---
I was atheist cuz I was anti religion.
---
I cut my straightened hair off and started growing my dreads cuz I was anti conformity.
---
And I had recently learned about the atrocities committed during slavery…
---
## ECHO 1 AND ECHO 2:
So I wasn’t particularly pro-white folks.
---
## ECHO 2:
We lived in a nice house in the suburbs because my mom was hardworking and amazing and was able to provide that for us by her damned self.
---
And my dad was back in my life because he had completely turned his whole life around and was clean and sober.
---
I was going to a school in the burbs and I hated it.
---
It was white as hell.
---
## ECHO 1 AND ECHO 2:
And lowkey racisssst!
---
## ECHO 1:
People used to do passive aggressive shit like put chewed up gum in my textbooks or start every sentence they said to me with the word “yo.
---
” One semester I got the highest scores in science class of any kid in my grade and several students approached me and asked how I was cheating so they could get in on it, too.
---
I was like
---
## NIKKI AND ECHO 1:
“… Study, bitch.”
---
## NIKKI:
And when I told my parents how unhappy I was they didn’t listen.
---
So one day, I was in the kitchen making myself some food, thinking random thoughts,
---
heading into the living room to eat in front of the TV despite the fact that my mom hated when we did that shit but I didn’t care cuz I was anti mom.
---
And I suddenly had a revelation.
---
I remembered that I had been molested.
---
By a family member.
---
More than once.
---
Suddenly a flood of memories came back.
---
## ANNOUNCER:
Good afternoon, sports fans.
---
This is Iman Denial, bringing you Game 1 of Nikki versus Suppressed Childhood Memories.
---
What a great rivalry.
---
Both teams are coming in with
great records, can’t wait to see who goes all the way this year.
---
First up to bat we got Teenage Nikki.
---
And the first pitch of the ball game is the memory of Kindergarten Nikki getting fondled and then being told to go wash up afterward.
---
Nikki takes a swing, trying to forget… strike one! Oh, no dice.
---
Suppressed Childhood memories is off to a hot start.
---
Next up we have the memory of 5-Year-Old Nikki trying to tell her mom but not knowing how to explain.
---
Oh, that’s the reason Nikki’s parents transferred her to a new kindergarten.
---
Nikki takes a swing, trying to forget… strike 2! Here comes the last pitch, the memory of Nikki’s mom finding her doing something inappropriate with one of her toys….
---
Ohhh strike 3! The feeling of embarrassment comes back! The shame!
---
Teenage Nikki remembers! Teenage Nikki remembers! And that’s the ballgame, folks! Suppressed Childhood Memories wins.
---
## NIKKI:
I was 16 when I remembered that shit.
---
I probably needed therapy.
---
I probably should have told an adult immediately.
---
But there were none around that I could trust.
---
So the next morning, while my mom and siblings were sleeping,
---
I packed a garbage bag with clothes, shoes, and art supplies and I ran away.
---
See, at this point I’d become a pro at running away.
---
The first time I’d done it was after my mom beat me for being friends with a girl who had a baby.
---
I ran to my aunt’s house, but my mom made my father bring me home immediately.
---
The second time I ran to my friend’s house, but my uncle found me a week later.
---
The third time, though, I was ready.
---
I lived between several friend’s houses, so nobody could track me down.
---
I was growing dreads at a time when girls were not rocking that hairstyle, so when I wore my boyfriend’s clothes I could pass as a boy.
---
That way, cops looking for a missing girl would look right past me.
---
I lived like that for over 2 months until one of my friends snitched.
---
And I knowww that going home was best for me… but why am I still mad that my homey snitched?
---
I’m not kidding.
---
I’m still plotting my revenge on Marvin.
---
But anyway… My last day as a runway high school dropout was wild.
---
One moment I was chilling with my friends, the next moment my family showed up,
---
my dad was there with a gun, the police came, it was dramaaaa!
The cops arrested me and put me in the back of the car and I was screaming
---
“Don’t make me go back home! I’ll die if you make me go back!” Yeah… I shouldn’t have said that.
---
That’s how you end up hospitalized in the psychiatric ward against your will.
---
The whole next couple months of my life involved me faking like I was taking Zoloft just so I could get out,
---
just so people would stop analyzing me and just listen.
---
See, when it comes to “mental health issues”
It’s not just our families that have us feeling unheard, it’s the doctors and therapists, too.
---
After I got discharged, I was legitimately surprised that my mom asked me to sleep in her bed with her for a few nights.
---
I was surprised that she missed me.
---
Because I really thought she didn’t like me.
---
I went back to high school, worked my ass off to graduate on time with an academic scholarship to college not because I wanted to…
---
I did it because my mom wanted it.
---
And that was when I changed.
---
What had being nice and sweet ever got me?
---
Nothing! Being soft wasn’t safe.
---
So. I developed a tough side.
---
I needed to be protected.
---
When I tried being nice it left me hurt and disrespected.
---
I became a badass to hide the sweet big-hearted chick
Yeah I’m sensitive.
---
But fuck you nigga, suck my dick.
---
♪ YOU THINK SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH ME ♪
---
♪ THAT’S YOUR POINT OF VIEW ♪
---
♪ WHEN YOU LOOK TO FIND MY FLAWS ♪
---
♪ THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GONNA DO ♪
---
♪ PUT YOU IN A PANIC, WHEN I SPEAK MY TRUTH ♪
---
♪ YOU BELONG TO ME. BUT I DON’T BELONG TO YOU ♪
---
♪ DON’T BELONG TO YOU.
---
I DON’T BELONG TO YOU. ♪
---
♪ DON’T BELONG TO YOU. ♪
---
♪ SOMETHING IN MY HEAD SAYS I AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH ♪
---
♪ CUZ YOU MADE ME FEEL THAT I AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH ♪
---
♪ SO I’M GONNA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HARDEN ♪
---
♪ SO I’M GONNA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HARDEN ♪
---
♪ SO I’M GONNA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HARDEN ♪
---
♪ IT’S TEARING ME APART ♪
---
♪ SO I’M HARDENING MY HEART ♪
---
♪ YOU PICKING ME APART ♪
---
♪ SO I’M HARDENING MY HEART ♪
---
♪ I DON’T BELONG TO YOU. ♪
---
♪ LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU. LOVE LOVE. ♪
---
♪ I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU NOTHING NOTHING I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU NOTHING NOTHING I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU NOTHING NOTHING I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, I NOTHING YOU ♪
---
♪ I CAN’T FEEL SHIT.
---
AND IT DON’T FEEL RIGHT ♪
---
♪ HEART BEEN BROKE SO MANY TIMES, IT DON’T HEAL RIGHT ♪
---
♪ TOO HUNGRY FOR LOVE BUT NEVER HAD A REAL BITE ♪
---
♪ I’M A DARK PLACE, THE FUTURE AIN’T LOOKING REAL BRIGHT♪
---
♪ IT AIN’T MY JOB TO TEACH YALL NIGGAS HOW TO LOVE I AIN’T YO MOM, ♪
---
♪ AND I AIN’T GONNA BE HER SUB ♪
---
♪ I GIVE TOO MUCH, HOW COME MY ALL ISN’T ENOUGH ♪
---
♪ HE SAID HE WANNA BE WITH ME UNTIL HE DIE ♪
---
♪ HE STILL ALIVE, HE LIED ♪
---
♪ AND THAT SHIT AIN’T FAIR ♪
---
♪ I’M TOO SMALL TO FILL A VOID I NEVER LEFT IN THERE SECOND CHANCES ARE TRASH, ♪
---
♪ SHOULDA GONE THE FIRST TIME CUZ I DON’T WANNA BE A BANDAID ON A WOUND THAT ISN’T MINE ♪
---
♪ SHIIIT, I HAD TO BREAK FREE ♪
---
♪ TRYING TO BUILD A NIGGA UP WHILE HE TRYING TO BREAK ME ♪
---
♪ PEOPLE DO WHAT U ALLOW, PLACE THE BLAME WHERE IT SHOULD BE ♪
---
♪ THIS SONG IS MY APOLOGY TO ME ♪
---
♪ AND I BET YOU THINK IT DON’T HURT ♪
---
♪ BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW ♪
---
♪ AND I BET YOU THINK IT DON’T HURT ♪
---
♪ YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WON’T NOBODY EVER HURT ME AGAIN ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA,
---
BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN WITH YOU AND ME IN IT ♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN ♪
---
♪ WITH YOU AND ME IN IT ♪
---
♪ SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU BIT, MORE THAN CAN CHEW YA PICK ME ALL APART, ♪
---
♪ AND KEEP THE PIECES YOU APPROVE PUT YOU IN A PANIC, WHEN I SPEAK MY TRUTH ♪
---
♪ YOU BELONG TO ME. ♪
---
BUT I DON’T BELONG TO YOU DON’T BELONG TO YOU. ♪
---
♪ I DON’T BELONG TO YOU ♪
---
♪ DON’T BELONG TO YOU. ♪
---
♪ IT’S TEARING ME APART ♪
---
♪ SO I’M HARDENING MY HEART ♪
---
♪ YOU PICKING ME APART ♪
---
♪ SO I’M HARDENING MY HEART ♪
---
♪ I DON’T BELONG TO YOU ♪
---
♪ AND IT DON’T FEEL RIGHT ♪
---
♪ HEART BEEN BROKE SO MANY TIMES, IT DON’T HEAL RIGHT ♪
---
♪ CAUGHT TOO MANY BODIES NOT TO BRAG THAT IT’S STILL TIGHT ♪
---
♪ HURT MYSELF FOR LOVE JUST TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, ♪
---
♪ AND I AIN’T LETTING YALL NIGGAS IN MY HEAD ♪
---
♪ NO MO GASLIGHTING ME AND BEND THE WORDS I SAID ♪
---
♪ NO MO EVER SINCE I DON’T NEED COMPANY IN BED ♪
---
♪ NO MO WENT AND TOLD MY DOCTOR I DON’T NEED MY MEDS ♪
---
♪ NO MO YOU LEARN TO BE HURT AND TO KEEP LIVING THROUGH IT ♪
---
♪ WHEN YOUR PARENTS BEAT YOUR ASS AND U GOTTA LET EM DO IT.♪
---
♪ ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES TIL THE SHIT AIN’T CUTE ♪
---
♪ WHEN THE GIRL BECOMES A WOMAN TAKING SHIT FROM A DUDE ♪
---
♪ ALL I WANT IS SOME MONEY AND SOME FOOD ♪
---
♪ AND A KID AND SOME JUSTICE FOR MY PEOPLE THAT WE AIN’T GONNA GET ♪
---
♪ AND EVEN THOUGH I JUST POURED OUT MY HEART TIL IT BLED ♪
---
♪ Y’ALL STILL AIN’T HEAR A WORD I SAID ♪
---
♪ AND I BET YOU THINK IT DON’T HURT ♪
---
♪ BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW AND I BET YOU THINK IT DON’T HURT ♪
---
♪ YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WON’T NOBODY EVER HURT ME AGAIN ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN WITH YOU AND ME IN IT ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHER, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA, BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKA ♪
---
♪ BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN WITH YOU AND ME IN IT ♪
---
♪ I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU NOTHING NOTHING I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU NOTHING NOTHING I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU, NOTHING YOU NOTHING NOTHING I USED TO LOVE YOU ♪
---
♪ THEN I HATED YOU ♪
---
♪ NOW I NOTHING YOU, I NOTHING YOU ♪
---
## NIKKI:
And the thing that sparked all of this, that memory I was carrying of me being molested by a loved one just got buried
---
and didn’t come up again until I fell in love, got cheated on, lost my baby, and lost my damn mind.
---
Now would be an excellent time for me to talk to y’all about a little thing called--
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
“Triggers.”
---
## NIKKI:
For many of us who have been through awful terrible really bad things, we sometimes have moments after the fact that remind us of the awful terrible really bad thing we endured.
---
That psychological reaction to some problematic bullshit is called a trauma trigger.
---
They can make life hard.
---
I would say they are about 75% of the reason I’ve always held onto my suicidal Get Outta Jail Free card.
---
And the thing is, I didn’t used to be this sensitive when it came to guys!
---
After growing up being… ya know… “funny looking” I kinda came into my own as an adult.
---
I was living my best life.
---
I was being featured in Billboard, my music was on tv shows and I was starring in commercials…
---
## ECHO 1 AND ECHO 2:
I was finally a big deal OUTSIDE of the day care.
---
## NIKKI:
I kinda had my way with the fellas.
---
I remember one dude tried to publicly shame me because I’d slept with him before.
---
Mannn… first of all how is your self-esteem so low that YOU look down on ME for sexing YOU?
---
And second, if I smashed you hella years ago, you don’t even count.
---
Have you ever heard of cellular turnover?
---
Every 7 years, every single cell in your body is replaced.
---
That means I got a whole new vag since we hooked up, bruh.
---
You don’t count.
---
I fucked you a whole pussy ago.
---
Anyway… I was never one to be out here loving these hoes until the day I fell for my ex.
---
To protect his identity, and keep me from being sued, we’ll just call him Lucifer the Lord of Fuckboys and Sorrows.
---
Or Luci, for short.
---
♪ I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE SPECIAL. ♪
---
♪ THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMETHING GOOD. ♪
---
♪ YOU SHOWED ME THAT I MISJUDGED YOU HONEY. ♪
---
♪ GUESS I MISUNDERSTOOD. ♪
---
♪ YOU TELL ME THAT YOU’VE CHANGED, ♪
---
♪ SAYING HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN. ♪
---
♪ I DON’T BELIEVE IT BABY.
---
HELL NAW. ♪
---
♪ DON’T ASK ME WHY I DON’T WANT YOU NIGGA. ♪
---
♪ GO AND ASK YOUR HOE. WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOE? ♪
---
♪ YOU LOVE THEM HOES, YOU LOVE THEM HOES. ♪
---
♪ GO AND ASK YOUR HOE.
---
WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOE? ♪
---
♪ YOU LOVE THEM HOES, YOU LOVE THEM HOES. ♪
---
## NIKKI:
Now, please excuse my candor.
---
I’d hate to give the impression that my sentiments are rooted in ill-will.
---
ha ha ha! Perish the thought.
---
I was quite taken aback by the behavior of my partner.
---
Shocked and appalled! At the risk of sounding inelegant. He got me fucked up.
---
♪ I COULDN’T SAVE YOU FROM YOU. IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN. ♪
---
♪ NOW I DON’T WANT YOU NIGGA. ♪
---
♪ WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME GO? ♪
---
♪ CAUGHT YOU IN SO MANY LIES NOW I DON’T CARE TO KNOW. ♪
---
♪ I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BOY. ♪
---
♪ DON’T ASK ME WHY I DON’T WANT YOU NIGGA. ♪
---
♪ GO AND ASK YOUR HOE.
---
WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOE? ♪
---
♪ YOU LOVE THEM HOES, YOU LOVE THEM HOES. ♪
---
♪ GO AND ASK YOUR HOE.
---
WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOE? ♪
---
♪ YOU LOVE THEM HOES, YOU LOVE THEM HOES. ♪
---
## NIKKI:
Now, I would be remiss if I did not emphasize the extent to which I invested in my relationship with this gentleman.
---
Imagine my horror upon the realization that my lover had been untrue.
---
And with women of ill-repute, nonetheless.
---
Ohhh. my beloved. You must not know bout me.
---
♪ YOU THINK I’M COMING BACK. ♪
---
♪ I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YA. ♪
---
♪ YO MOMMA RAISED A MISTAKE, I CAN’T EXCUSE HER FAILURE. ♪
---
♪ MY MOMMA WARNED ME NOT TO SPOIL YA, IT’S TRUE. ♪
---
♪ YOU BOOST A NIGGA EGO NOW HE THINK HE BETTER THAN YOU. ♪
---
♪ AIN’T NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU TO PROVE, STOP TRYING TO HOLD ME NIGGA. ♪
---
♪ CUZ I WENT THROUGH TOO MUCH SHIT TRYING TO GROW YOU NIGGA. ♪
---
♪ YOU THINK I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, I’MA SHOW YOU NIGGA.♪
---
♪ NOW I’M BACK ON TOP AND YOU WHERE YOU BELONG. BELOW ME NIGGA. ♪
---
♪ WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOE? ♪
---
♪ YOU LOVE THEM HOES, YOU LOVE THEM HOES. ♪
---
♪ GO AND ASK YOUR HOE.
---
WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOE? ♪
---
♪ YOU LOVE THEM HOES, YOU LOVE THEM HOES. ♪
---
VIDEO MONTAGE: PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH
---
## NIKKI:
When I first met Luci, I didn’t take him seriously.
---
But there’s something about an unexpected pregnancy that’ll just suck the fun right out of a relationship huh?
---
## P1:
Yup!
---
## NIKKI:
Now keep in mind, I didn’t trust my mom.
---
So I didn’t tell her.
---
## ECHOES:
She ain’t trust me.
---
## NIKKI:
I was a whole ass adult with a successful career but still couldn’t trust her enough to tell her I was pregnant.
---
If I’d told her, she would have told me I didn’t need to rely on him,
---
because she would be there for me and my baby.
---
She would have pointed out the fact that the red flags Luci was showing me were actually deal breakers.
---
She would have told me it wasn’t my fault he kept cheating.
---
She would have came to California to get me when his ex showed up trying to fight me while I was 6 months pregnant.
---
And his other side chick showed up crying the next day.
---
She would have told me that it’s not ok for people you love to hurt you.
---
My mom woulda told me that stress isn’t good for my baby.
---
But she never got the chance.
---
She didn’t find out about my baby until after I’d already lost him and attempted suicide.
---
I stayed with his dad for 2 years after that, stuck in a codependent emotionally abusive downward spiral.
---
Abuse thrives in silence.
---
That was when suicide became my Get Outta Jail Free Card.
---
At that time, every bad thing that had ever happened to me,
---
I relived it! Every flaw I had, I saw it!
---
Every mistake I ever made, I mourned it! I was a passenger in my own body,
---
crying in public, screaming barefoot in the street, financially and emotionally dependent,
---
watching my sanity slip between my fingers like grains of sand.
---
I was the little girl who was abused by a trusted loved one and was made to feel responsible for the shame of it!
---
I was the woman, like my mother, who had forgiven a man for cheating just to have him turn around and do it again!
---
I was checking myself into the psyche ward thinking I was the problem while he was on the phone screaming into my ear
---
that HE had been the one taking care of me, not no doctors,
---
refusing to say he loved me, and demanding that when I get outta the psyche ward I show him my credit report.
---
I was the one who kept running back.
---
I was the one Luci found unconscious after I hung myself,
---
and a few days later he left me home alone for 6 hours while he took another chick on a date.
---
I was the one who’s man was taking half naked pictures of women IN MY CLOTHES,
---
in our home, while my mother was battling cancer.
---
I was the one who was unstable and fragile.
---
I yelled.
---
I threw shit.
---
I begged him to stop hurting me instead of just leaving.
---
I was reliving my mother’s relationship with my father!
I was reliving my mother’s relationship with my father.
---
I was just like her.
---
Every mistake she ever made with me was an effort to save me from THIS.
---
And now I couldn’t judge her.
---
Because now I understood her.
---
I was her.
---
The difference is the man I loved only had to beat my ass once to get me to leave
---
♪ YOU CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN… IT’S COOL. ♪
---
♪ YOU CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN… IT’S COOL. ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING THIS WAS BOUT TO BE SOMETHING THAT WAS REAL ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING IF I FELL OF YOU WOULD STAND BY ME ♪
---
♪ STILL YOU HAD ME THINKING THIS WAS PURE, ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINK THIS WAS SAFE ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING YOU WAS TRUE WHILE YOU JUST LIED TO MY FACE. ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING YOU WAS GOLDEN WHEN YOU REALLY WAS TRASH. ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING OF YOU FIRST WHEN U WAS COMING UP LAST. ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING YOU WAS GOOD UNTIL YOU TREATED ME BAD ♪
---
♪ AND YOU WAS THINKING I WOULD LET YOU GET AWAY WITH ALL OF THAT? ♪
---
♪ SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT. SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT. ♪
---
♪ YOU HEAR WHAT I SAY? I’LL KILL YOU BABY, AND I’LL CRY ON YOUR GRAVE. ♪
---
♪ WELL I HAD A BETTER MAN, I DIDN’T KNOW AT THE TIME ♪
---
♪ ALL HE WANTED WAS ATTENTION BUT YOU HAD ALL OF MINE ♪
---
♪ YOU COULDN’T GIMME WHAT HE GAVE ME BUT I AIN’T GIVE A FUCK♪
---
♪ MONEY CAN BUY MY ATTENTION BUT IT CAN’T BUY LOVE ♪
---
♪ OH NO. OH IT CAN’T BUY MY LOVE ♪
---
♪ DIDN’T SEE MY SHADY BABY LETTING HIS DEVILS LOOSE ♪
---
♪ YOU PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I COULD SEE THEM, ♪
---
♪ LEFT ME BLOODY AND BRUISED ♪
---
♪ YOU COULDN’T GIMME WHAT I NEEDED BUT I AIN’T GIVE A FUCK ♪
---
♪ MONEY CAN BUY MY ATTENTION BUT IT CAN’T BUY LOVE ♪
---
♪ OH NO.
---
OH IT CAN’T BUY MY LOVE ♪
---
♪ SO, YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON LEAVE ME BLACK AND BLUE AND THEN DESERT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ PLAY WITH MY HEART.
---
YOU HEAR WHAT I SAY? ♪
---
♪ I’LL KILL YOU BABY AND I’LL CRY ON YOUR GRAVE. ♪
---
♪ YOU CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN… IT’S COOL. ♪
---
♪ YOU CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN… IT’S COOL. ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING YOU WAS SPECIAL WHEN YOU AIN’T NOTHING NEW ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING THAT THE ONE I BEEN LOOKING FOR WAS YOU ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING THIS WAS PURE, ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINK THIS WAS SAFE YOU HAD ME THINKING U WAS SOMEONE WHO I COULDN’T REPLACE. ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING A BLESSING WHEN U REALLY AN L ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING YOU WERE HEAVEN SENT BUT PUT ME THROUGH HELL ♪
---
♪ YOU HAD ME THINKING YOU WAS GOOD UNTIL YOU TREATED ME BAD ♪
---
♪ AND YOU WAS THINKING I WOULD LET YOU GET AWAY WITH ALL OF THAT? ♪
---
♪ SAY WHAT?
---
SAY WHAT.
---
SAY WHAT?
---
SAY WHAT.
---
YOU HEAR WHAT I SAY? ♪
---
♪ I’LL KILL YOU BABY, AND I’LL CRY ON YOUR GRAVE. ♪
---
♪ WELL YOU HAD ME WHERE YOU WANTED ME, DEPENDING ON YOU MY CHEATING SHADY ♪
---
♪ BABY BLAMING ME IN EVERY EXCUSE ♪
---
♪ MY FRIENDS TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD LEAVE YOU BUT I AIN’T GIVE A FUCK ♪
---
♪ MONEY CAN BUY MY ATTENTION BUT IT CAN’T BUY LOVE ♪
---
♪ OH NO. OH IT CAN’T BUY MY LOVE. ♪
---
♪ OH, YOU FROZE AND GREW SO COLD ON ME IT GAVE ME THE CHILLS. ♪
---
♪ NEXT THING YOU KNOW IT I WAS THROWING UP A WHOLE LOTTA PILLS ♪
---
♪ MY FRIENDS TOLD ME TO LEAVE BUT I WAS ALREADY STUCK ♪
---
♪ MONEY CAN BUY MY ATTENTION BUT IT CAN’T BUY LOVE ♪
---
♪ OH NO. OH IT CAN’T BUY MY LOVE. ♪
---
♪ SO, YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON LEAVE ME BLACK AND BLUE AND THEN DESERT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ PLAY WITH MY HEART.
---
YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? ♪
---
♪ I’LL KILL YOU BABY AND I’LL CRY WHEN YOU’RE DEAD. ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON LEAVE ME BLACK AND BLUE AND THEN DESERT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ PLAY WITH MY HEART.
---
DO YOU HEAR THIS SONG? ♪
---
♪ I’LL KILL YOU BABY AND I’LL CRY WHEN YOU’RE GONE. ♪
---
♪ ONE MORE TIME… ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON HURT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST GON LEAVE ME BLACK AND BLUE AND THEN DESERT ME LIKE THAT? ♪
---
♪ PLAY WITH MY HEART.
---
YOU HEAR WHAT I SAY? ♪
---
♪ I’LL KILL YOU BABY AND I’LL CRY ON YOUR GRAVE. ♪
---
♪ YOU CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN… IT’S COOL. ♪
---
♪ YOU CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN… IT’S COOL. ♪
---
♪ CHASED ME DOWN TO LET ME DOWN ♪
---
♪ YOU LET ME DOWN… YOU LET ME DOWN…♪
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #1:
Shut up! You shut the fuck up while I’m talking to you! You don’t fucking listen.
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #2:
Baby.
---
Can you please stop yelling at me?
---
I miss my baby.
---
My momma is dying from cancer.
---
Even my damn cats died baby.
---
I need u to be here for me.
---
I need us to be ok.
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #1:
That ain’t got nothing to do with me! Your momma dying ain’t got nothing to do with this!”
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #2:
Baby you screaming.
---
Can you please stop.
---
I can’t handle it.
---
I can’t handle it.
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #1:
“You momma ain’t got shit to do with me! This about you! Its about you!
---
## NIKKI:
I can’t handle it.
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #2:
You ain’t been helping with momma! Since she got sick we doing everything and you been in California
---
## NIKKI:
I CAN’T HANDLE IT.
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #1:
You think you somebody, but you not.
---
All your accomplishments until now don’t mean nothing.
---
You think you somebody, you not.
---
## NIKKI:
I can’t handle it…
---
## PRE-RECORDED VOICE #2:
“You ain’t been here! We been doing everything and you ain’t been here!”
---
## NIKKI:
I can’t handle it.
---
…ahhhhh….
---
## VOICEMAIL:
Hey.
---
Nikki.
---
I’m telling you, you got so many people out here who love you and are worried about you right now.
---
We need you to hold it together for us.
---
I know you’re hurting.
---
I know you’re feeling bad.
---
I know you’re not in a good place.
---
Stay with us.
---
Stay with us.
---
♪ FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND, FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND ♪
---
♪ FEEL IT SLIPPING LIKE I’M FLOATING IN THE DISTANCE OF ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME ♪
---
♪ DEATH ON MY SHOULDER LIKE A BRA STRAP, ♪
---
♪ DEPRESSION HEAVY ON ME SO TRAPPED ♪
---
♪ NEVERMIND, I FEEL FINE, HELL NAH, I’M LYING, EVERYBODY KNOW THAT ♪
---
♪ …RAN SO FAST FROM BEING ALONE, I KICKED DUST IN THE AIR ♪
---
♪ …RAN TO MY FRIENDS, FOUND LONELINESS WAS ALREADY THERE ♪
---
♪ TRAPPED INSIDE MY BATTLE GROUND, VIOLENT IN A SILENT RAGE POP KLONOPIN, ♪
---
♪ I’M CALM AGAIN, CHEMICAL WARFARE AGAINST MY BRAIN. ♪
---
♪ THAT’S NOT SANE.
---
SO JUST SMILE, AND ACT PLAIN ♪
---
♪ CUZ I RATHER SUFFER SOLO THAN LET YOU KNOW I CAN’T BE SAVED♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND, FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND, ♪
---
♪ FEEL IT SLIPPING LIKE I’M FLOATING IN THE DISTANCE OF ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME ♪
---
♪ MY NIGHTMARES, MY FEARS, MY DESIRE TO DISAPPEAR, ♪
---
♪ MY WANT TO NOT WAKE UP AND DISAPPOINTMENT I’M STILL HERE ♪
---
♪ RATHER HIDE THAN EXPRESS WHAT I CARRY ON MY CHEST, ♪
---
♪ CUZ FOLKS WILL TELL YOU TO GET SOME REST ♪
---
♪ AND SAY EVERYBODY GOT STRESS, AND SAY YOU JUST NEED TO HAVE SEX, ♪
---
♪ SAY YOU AIN’T TRYING YO BEST, ♪
---
♪ AND STOP ANSWERING YO TEXTS WHEN YOU ADMIT THAT YOU DEPRESSED ♪
---
♪ AND SO IT’S BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW, THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON’T ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, AY! ♪
---
♪ BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND, FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND ♪
---
♪ FEEL IT SLIPPING LIKE I’M FLOATING IN THE DISTANCE OF ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME ♪
---
♪ I MAKE MY MAN TELL ME HE LOVE ME, MAKE HIM TELL ME I’M SAFE ♪
---
♪ IF MY DADDY HAD’VE DONE HIS JOB I WOULDN’T NEED A MAN TO GIMME SAFE SPACE ♪
---
♪ NOBODY TELL ME I’M PRETTY.
---
NOBODY TELL ME I’M MISSED. ♪
---
♪ THEY DON’T WANNA COME CLOSE TO ME WHEN I’M CLOSE TO DEATH ♪
---
♪ LIKE THIS DROWNING IN ANXIETY, PEOPLE TELLING ME THAT I’VE CHANGED ♪
---
♪ POP KLONOPIN, I’M CALM AGAIN, ♪
---
♪ WONDER WHY THEY LOOKING AT ME STRANGE ♪
---
♪ PAIN DONE TOOK MY PLACE.
---
PAIN DONE TOOK MY PLACE. ♪
---
♪ KEEPING ME AWAKE, THAT PAIN ESCAPE THROUGH THE TEARS BURNING MY FACE ♪
---
♪ AND I AIN’T GOT NO FUTURE, I CAN’T ESCAPE MY PAST ♪
---
♪ I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THIS CUZ, I KNOW I AIN’T GONE LAST ♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND, FEEL LIKE I LOST MY MIND ♪
---
♪ YOUR MIND AIN’T SOMETHING YOU CAN BE IN AND OUT OF AT THE SAME TIME ♪
---
♪ RATHER HIDE AND HOLD IT IN, ♪
---
♪ AND GLOSS UP THIS FAKE GRIN THEN PUT MY BURDEN ON FRIENDS ♪
---
♪ AND HAVE THEM LEAVE ME AGAIN AND SO♪
---
♪ IT’S BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU DON’T.♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, AY! ♪
---
♪ BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE I DONE LOST MY DOME ♪
---
♪ BOUT TO MAKE HEAVEN MY HOME ♪
---
♪ AIN’T SCARED TO FACE NO UNKNOWN ♪
---
♪ YA’LL GONE MISS ME WHEN I’M GON ♪
---
♪ BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ THE DEVIL THE DEVIL YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, AY! ♪
---
♪ BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. ♪
---
## NIKKI:
The klonopin was for my anxiety.
---
The doxepin was for my back pain and to help me sleep.
---
And the Paxil was for my depression.
---
The fact that I’d attempted suicide meant they could keep me until they felt I was no longer a threat to myself.
---
And if you refuse your meds, it takes longer to get out.
---
And trust me, once you were in,
---
## ECHO 1 AND ECHO 2:
You WANTED to get out.
---
## NIKKI:
I wasn’t making no money, I couldn’t afford a fancy ass mental health resort like the facility my homey who works in finance went to when he needed treatment for alcoholism.
---
Nah.
---
The state was paying for my broke ass to get help.
---
This hospital was more like psychiatric jail… but with graham crackers.
---
They put me on meds the second day I was in there.
---
In fact, the only time I saw my psychiatrist was when he was prescribing me meds.
---
There wasn’t no one-on-one therapy sessions.
---
If we didn’t feel comfortable opening up in group therapy then we wouldn’t get no help at all.
---
Except for meds.
---
EVERYBODY got meds.
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
“With a meds meds here and a meds meds there, here a med, there a meds, everywhere a meds meds…”
---
## NIKKI:
And I didn’t wanna take them.
---
But I needed to get better so I could be there for my momma.
---
So unlike the FIRST time I got hospitalized, this time I was willing to try anything.
---
Now, I’ve never even smoked weed before so these psychiatric drugs put me on my ass.
---
I didn’t even know how bad I was reacting to them until my girl Erica told me I’d been sitting in group therapy moaning out loud,
---
rocking back and forth with a blanket over my head.
---
The doctors told me I needed a “meds adjustment.” And they gave me more days.
---
So you mean to tell me I’ve been here a week trying to get better so I can take care of my mom
---
and y’all are giving me meds that are gonna keep me away from her longer?
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
Awww hell naw!
---
## NIKKI:
So the plan was simple.
---
Everyday after nasty ass lunch, we would be given our medication.
---
When I took mine I would hide the pills via a process called “cheeking,” which involves depositing the meds between your gums and your cheek.
---
I would convene with my friends Erica and Megan at the coloring book table after nasty ass lunch.
---
Megan would hand me the napkin she smuggled upstairs from nasty ass lunch and I would deposit the pills into the napkin.
---
Then pass the napkin under the coloring book table to Erica, who would take the pills into her room,
---
flush them down the toilet, and be back in time for group therapy…
---
And we did the same thing after nasty ass dinner.
---
After organizing all of my fellow psyche ward inmates to write a list of grievances and formally submit them to the administrator
---
who was the boss of our floor manager, I got released the next day.
---
Now don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to die.
---
But my mom needed me.
---
So I decided I would be there for my momma til she got better,
---
and THEN I would finally be able to use my Get Outta Jail Free card.
---
That way everybody wins!
Y’all… My momma wasn’t doing too good.
---
I mean, of course I knew she was a fighter so she was gonna beat cancer.
---
Of course.
---
But still… I was worried.
---
She’d lost a lot of weight.
---
Chemo had taken her hair.
---
And she didn’t have the energy to dress up and be stylish anymore.
---
She was in constant pain and the meds they had her on were so strong that sometimes they made her feel even worse than her cancer did.
---
My lil brother had given up his apartment to move back home with her.
---
My big sister had given up her job to help run my mom’s company.
---
The only one who hadn’t made a real difference was me.
---
So as my mom started being hospitalized more and more, I realized the one thing I could do was make sure she was never alone.
---
I spent about 3 months living in the hospital with my mom.
---
It’s funny… my mom wanted so badly to live.
---
And I wanted soooo badly to die.
---
Life is cruel like that.
---
I found myself wishing I could trade places with her.
---
So she could make the most out of the life I didn’t want.
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR MONEY ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR COMFORT ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR STARDOM ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR NOTHING ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR NOTHING, IT’S TRUE… BUT I PRAY FOR YOU. ♪
---
♪ LORD PLEASE LET THEM FORGIVE THE KID FOR THIS LAST CRAZY SHIT I DID I WAS IMPERFECT, ♪
---
♪ I WAS IMPATIENT ♪
---
♪ IMPATIENT CUZ PERFECTION ALWAYS LEAVING ME WAITING ♪
---
♪ SOMETIMES I WANNA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER CUZ OF ALL OF MY BILLS ♪
---
♪ SOMETIMES I DON’T THINK ABOUT IT CUZ I JUST WANNA CHILL… ♪
---
♪ SOMETIMES MY HEART IS RACING, JUMPING OUTTA MY CHEST ♪
---
♪ SOON AS I’M BACK TO NORMAL THAT’S WHEN I FEEL DEPRESSED ♪
---
♪ YOU THE LIGHT OF THE DAY, I’M THE DARKEST HOUR ♪
---
♪ YOU THE SWEETEST LIL THING, WHEN I’M BITTER AND SOUR ♪
---
♪ I DON’T RUN BEHIND FAITH JUST TO HELP ME GET AHEAD IF I SEND A MESSAGE UP, ♪
---
♪ BET THEY LEAVE IT ON READ ♪
---
♪ THE HOLY SPIRIT GOT LIKE 25 BILLION FANS ♪
---
♪ EVERYBODY SAYING PRAYERS, THAT’S LIKE 50 BILLION HANDS ♪
---
♪ I DON’T WANNA JOIN EM, I DON’T WANNA BE SAVED ♪
---
♪ BUT FOR U, A SINNER WOULD PRAY ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR MONEY ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR COMFORT ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR STARDOM ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR NOTHING ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR NOTHING, IT’S TRUE… BUT I PRAY FOR YOU. ♪
---
♪ LORD PLEASE SAVE ALL THE FOLKS I KNOW ♪
---
♪ FROM THE SELF THAT I CAN’T CONTROL ♪
---
♪ I’M TOO IMPERFECT, I’M TOO IMPATIENT ♪
---
♪ IMPATIENT CUZ PERFECTION IS THE DREAM THAT I’M CHASING ♪
---
♪ SOMETIMES I GOT WAY TOO MUCH ENERGY AND I NEED A RELEASE ♪
---
♪ SOMETIMES I AIN’T GOOD FOR NOTHING AND I JUST WANNA SLEEP….♪
---
♪ SOMETIMES I THINK I’M SPECIAL AND I’M DESTINED FOR WEALTH ♪
---
♪ PRETENDING LIKE I’M SO DIFFERENT FROM EVERYBODY ELSE♪
---
♪ YOU THE ONLY LOVE IN A BROKEN HEART, ♪
---
♪ YOU THE ICE CREAM TRUCK PULLED UP ON THE BOULEVARD ♪
---
♪ I’M JUST THE LONER SITTING IN MY LONELINESS AND GRINNING EVEN FORGOT BODY LANGUAGE, ♪
---
♪ I AIN’T SPOKE IT IN A MINUTE YOU THE SWEETEST THING, ♪
---
♪ I’M JUST BITTER AND SOUR ♪
---
♪ AND YO ENERGY IS HOW I KEEP MY BATTERY POWERED ♪
---
♪ I DON’T WANNA FEEL HELPLESS BUT I FEEL IT TODAY, ♪
---
♪ SO FOR U, A SINNER WILL PRAY ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR MONEY ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR COMFORT ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR STARDOM ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR NOTHING ♪
---
♪ I DON’T PRAY FOR NOTHING, IT’S TRUE… BUT I PRAY FOR YOU♪
---
## NIKKI:
Living in the hospital with my mom wasn’t easy.
---
I was so broke that I was scraping together coins to eat food from the cafeteria.
---
After my ex beat me up, not only was I hiding my injuries from my family, but hell… when my dead baby’s father beat my ass, I never went back for my stuff.
---
I couldn’t do it.
---
I left everything behind.
---
Including my computer.
---
And I couldn’t earn money from a hospital room without it.
---
After my aunt lied about buying me a new computer it was my best friend Keisha who stepped up and got one for me.
---
And that was another thing… I hated having to spend so much time around my family.
---
Now my siblings, my nephews, and half of my hundreds of my cousins, they’re cool as hell, I love them.
---
But like… my mom is the oldest of 13 kids and about a half dozen of them fucking suuuck.
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
They didn’t give a fuck--
---
## NIKKI:
That I was depressed and suicidal.
---
Instead of being there for my siblings and me, my aunts and uncles were spreading rumors that I changed my mom’s will
---
and that’s how I ended up being power of attorney.
---
They tried to turn my big sister against me saying I coerced my mom
---
even though she’d had her will notarized 2 years before she even got sick.
---
They even said I forged documents and hid the real will all
---
because they thought I was trying to keep them from getting my mom’s fur coats.
---
Yeah.
---
Fur coats.
---
Did I mention I’ve been vegan for 20 years?
---
Ain’t no vegans wearing fur, bruh.
---
♪ AIN’T NO VEGANS WEARING FUR ♪
---
♪ I SAID AIN’T NO VEGANS WEARING FUR ♪
---
♪ I MAKE SMOOTHIES MADE OF KALE ♪
---
♪ IF I WORE A RABBIT, I’D BURN IN HELL ♪
---
♪ OH AIN’T NO VEGANS WEARING FUR ♪
---
## NIKKI:
Clap along if you can do it on beat!
---
♪ AIN’T NO VEGANS WEARING FUR ♪
---
♪ AIN’T NO VEGANS WEARING FUR ♪
---
♪ I EAT VEGGIES, FRUITS, AND NUTS ♪
---
♪ ALL THE OTHER VEGANS WOULD KICK MY BUTT ♪
---
♪ NO AIN’T NO VEGANS WEARING FUR ♪
---
## NIKKI:
Despite the stressful ass drama going on, my mom actually made the hospital stay fun at times.
---
She asked to hear every song I ever made and watched every video I recorded, telling the nurses
---
## P1:
“This is MY baby’s music!”
---
## NIKKI:
Had me feeling myself so much that I sent like 15 songs to Spike Lee just in case he wanted to make me famous.
---
And my mom would watch CSI for hours.
---
At first, I hated it.
---
Within a week it became my favorite show on television.
---
And my momma would love telling the same jokes over and over, not to be funny but specifically to embarrass me.
---
You shoulda heard her lil ass in the hospital talking to my friends Jahmilah and Chris:
---
## ECHO 2:
“Honeyyy, I knew Nikki was gon be an entertainer.
---
I knew it since she was potty training.
---
When she was a toddler, whenever we had company she would come into the living room with her potty, and she would use the pot in front of everybody and she would stay on that little potty until we clapped.
---
Yesss lawd, I knew my baby was an entertainer.
---
Nothing she does surprises me.”
---
## NIKKI:
But my mom’s favorite thing to bring up in the hospital was this one time when I was a teenager and we got into an argument, the one time I actually had the balls to talk back.
---
My mom would look across the room at me, smile sweetly, and say
---
## ECHO 1:
"Remember when u were a teenager and u said u didn't wanna be anything like me?
---
How’s that working out for ya?”
---
## NIKKI:
It’s crazy that it took me living with my mom in a hospital for me to realize how much we have in common.
---
I found out we’d both attempted suicide after losing a baby.
---
Hers happened before I was born.
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
How come we’d never talked about it?
---
## NIKKI:
We’d both forgiven a man for cheating only for them to turn around and do it again.
---
My grandma had done it too.
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
How come we’d never talked about it?
---
## NIKKI:
We’d both been molested by a family member as kids.
---
When she spoke up nobody believed her either, and that’s why she absolutely believed me.
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
How come we’d never talked about it?
---
## NIKKI:
When I wear high heels I carry my body weight just like my mom.
---
## NIKKI:
When I laugh, I throw my head back just like my mom.
---
And in spite of how rocky my childhood had been, she had successfully managed to instill in me the best parts of herself, the parts that helped me survive the same hardships she’d endured.
---
And what’s crazy is even in that moment, in constant pain, fighting for her life she was giving her suicidal daughter a reason to live.
---
She wanted to live.
---
So I needed to live.
---
Because she needed me to live.
---
So I was gonna live so I could help her live… and then one day my mom decided she no longer wanted to live.
---
That morning the doctors came in early.
---
Hospice.
---
That’s what they call it when you’re waiting to die.
---
They said it was time.
---
My mom asked if there was anything more they could do.
---
They said no.
---
I argued with them.
---
She told me to stop.
---
She said she wanted to die.
---
I told her no.
---
It’s not fair.
---
How come she could just decide to die?
---
She said no.
---
She was in too much pain.
---
It was time.
---
She asked me to play her favorite song, this gospel tune called “The Storm is Over.”
---
She said she wanted to hug all her loved ones one last time.
---
She said she just wanted to go home and be with the lord.
---
She said she wanted to go home and be with the lord.
---
She said she wanted to go home and be with the lord.
---
For my last talk with my momma, I hit record.
---
♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
---
♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
---
♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
---
♪ ‘CAUSE RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE BREAKING, FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN ♪
---
♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
---
♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
---
♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
---
♪ ‘CAUSE RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE BREAKING, ♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
---
♪ HI.
---
HELLO ♪
---
♪ ANN? YES? ♪
---
♪ HI. I’M THE CHAPLAN, ♪
---
♪ JUST CHECKING IN. HOW’S IT GOING? ♪
---
♪ TODAY, NOT SO GOOD. ♪
---
♪ NOT SO GOOD?
---
WHAT’S GOING ON? ♪
---
♪ NO MA’AM.
---
I’M UMMM. ♪
---
♪ I MADE THE DECISION TO DIE. ♪
---
♪ YOU MADE THE DECISION TO DIE? ♪
---
♪ YEAH. ♪
---
TO GO INTO HOSPICE. ♪
---
♪ TO GO INTO HOSPICE? ♪
---
♪ YES MA’AM. ♪
---
♪ WHEN? ♪
---
♪ WELL, I’M GOING INTO HOSPICE TODAY. ♪
---
♪ TODAY? ♪
---
♪ YES MA’AM. ♪
---
♪ AND IT’S GONNA BE VERY HARD FOR MY FAMILY.
---
♪ ESPECIALLY MY BABY. YEAH. ♪
---
♪ YOU EVERYTHING… ♪
---
♪ YOU SO. ♪
---
I THINK YOU DON’T. ♪
---
♪ I THINK IT’S POSSIBLE THAT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW EXCEPTIONAL YOU ARE AND I JUST. ♪
---
♪ I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND RESPECT YOU SO MUCH ♪
---
♪ AND I LOOK UP TO YOU SO MUCH ♪
---
♪ OH BABY.
---
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART. ♪
---
♪ I JUST LIKE… ♪
---
ARE YOU PROUD OF ME? ♪
---
♪ OH BABY, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU ♪
---
♪ I’M PROUD OF YOU SWEETHEART FOR JUST BEING MY BABY AND, ♪
---
♪ YOU KNOW YOU’VE DONE SO MANY THINGS ON YOUR OWN ON YOUR OWN, ♪
---
♪ BABE, YOU DONE ‘EM. ♪
---
♪ ANDI’M PROUD OF YOU BABE ♪
---
♪ YOU JUST DECIDED WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO IN LIFE ♪
---
♪ AND YOU JUST TOOK OFF, AND YOU JUST DID IT ♪
---
♪ AND I’M PROUD OF YOU FOR THAT BAE.
---
WITH VERY LITTLE HELP. ♪
---
♪ AND YOU JUST KEEP ON DOING THAT. ♪
---
♪ I THINK WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, WHICH YOU HAVEN’T DONE, ♪
---
♪ AND I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE IT ♪
---
♪ IS NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS BABE YOU NEED YOUR FAMILY BEHIND YOU. ♪
---
♪ YOU DO. ♪
---
♪ IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT’S MISSING. ♪
---
♪ NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS, YOU DO. ♪
---
♪ AND THIS IS THE TIME TO DO IT. ♪
---
♪ AND I WANT THEM TO EMBRACE YOU.
---
AND I’M GONNA TELL THEM THAT. ♪
---
♪ THE ONE THING THEY CAN DO IS EMBRACE MY BABY. ♪
---
♪ I BEEN UMMM… ♪
---
IN ALL THE TIME I BEEN UP HERE WITH YOU, ♪
---
♪ WITH THIS I JUST DIDN’T EVER, EVER WANT YOU TO BE ALONE. ♪
---
♪ OR FEEL ALONE. ♪
---
♪ I’M SO GLAD THAT I HAD THIS TIME ♪
---
♪ I’M SO GLAD THAT I WAS ABLE TO BE HERE ♪
---
♪ BECAUSE IN MY LIFE I’VE NEVER NOT KNOWN WHAT IT MEANT TO HAVE ♪
---
♪ YOU BE THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED YOU. ♪
---
♪ SO LIKE… ♪
---
♪ I HOPE YOU NEVER EVER THOUGHT THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE I COULD BE DOING ♪
---
♪ CUZ, YOU KNOW, I MADE MY CHOICES IN MY LIFE FOR WHAT I WANT I ALWAYS HAVE. ♪
---
♪ AND WHAT I WANTED WAS TO BE RIGHT HERE IN THIS LITTLE BED, ♪
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♪ EATING OUT THAT LIL CAFETERIA, ARGUING WITH YOU I AIN’T WANT NOTHING ELSE ♪
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♪ THAT’S ALL I WANTED ♪
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♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
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♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
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♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
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♪ ‘CAUSE RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE BREAKING, FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN ♪
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♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
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♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
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♪ YOU GON’ HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ♪
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♪ ‘CAUSE RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE BREAKING, FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN ♪
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♪ DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN♪
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## NIKKI:
I had no parents.
---
I had no baby.
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I had no boyfriend.
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I had no family.
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I had no money.
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All I had was a world full of no.
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But I was calm.
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Because this was it.
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I just had to make it til the funeral.
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After that….
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I locked myself in my apartment and didn’t eat or drink.
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I typed the passwords for all of my accounts in an email and saved it to my drafts to send to my best friend Keisha when it was time.
---
Keisha had been my rock, a constant source of unconditional love through the past several years of hell I’d been through.
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I was glad I would no longer be her burden.
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I just laid in bed, counting down the days until my mom’s funeral.
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Day 1 passed.
---
Day 2 passed.
---
Day 3 passed.
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Day 4 passed.
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
On the morning of day 5, my phone rang
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## NIKKI:
“Hello.
---
Can I speak to Nikki Lynette?”
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This is me.
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“Hello Nikki.
---
This is Spike Lee.”
---
what?
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“This is Spike Lee.” Are you serious?
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He laughed.
---
He was serious.
---
He was calling because he’d listened to the songs I’d sent that day when I was in the hospital with my mom and he liked one of them so much that he wanted to put it in his Netflix show.
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I wanted to be excited.
---
I wanted to speak myself up and mention that I can act and sell myself...
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But I couldn’t.
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Instead, I talked to Spike about losing my mom, and how mean my family had been, and how bad I was feeling.
---
And he listened, and asked questions.
---
And had compassion.
---
And he told me the same thing my mom told me, that I needed to get back to my music.
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I had a song that was gonna be featured in his show and he wanted me to know he thought the song was awesome.
---
After that phone call, well…I decided to rethink this whole suicide thing.
---
I mean, why not just live long enough to see my song on a Spike Lee joint and then go out with a bang?
---
And in the meantime, maybe I could just make some crazy ass music, have some unprotected sex,
---
just really live it the fuck up and then go out in a blaze of glory! This was gonna be the most rational and well thought out suicide ever.
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## ECHOES:
Totally.
---
So rational.
---
So well thought out.
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## NIKKI:
My mom’s funeral was a couple days after that talk with Spike Lee.
---
But the phone call that actually saved my life came a couple months later when Spike just happened to call to update me about the song right in the midst of me having a depressive episode.
---
When he heard the state I was in, he said
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## NIKKI:
“Nikki.
---
The storm is over.
---
Your mom’s not in pain anymore.
---
The storm is over now.
---
You gotta get back to your music.
---
You have to stop grieving.
---
It’s time for you to put it in your art.”
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## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
Get back to your music.
---
Put it in your art.
---
## NIKKI:
That’s what my mom had said.
---
She played that song called “The Storm is Over.”
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## ECHOES:
The Storm is Over.
---
## NIKKI:
--and she told me to get back to my art.
---
And in that moment I felt like my mom was trying to speak to me through folks in my life.
---
And I realized I couldn’t go on living as two people, one who was fighting to live in anticipation of good things in the future, and one who wanted to die because of all I’d lost in the past.
---
I couldn’t be both people anymore.
---
It was time to use my Get Outta Jail free card.
---
That day I made a decision to kill the part of myself that was stuck in the past so that the rest of me could live.
---
## NIKKI ON VIDEO:
You can’t kill me.
---
You need me.
---
You have no identity outside of being sad and depressed.
---
What, you just gon start acting happy now?
---
## NIKKI:
I gotta stop mourning my parents, my baby, my cats, my lost relationship, my lost time.
---
You won’t let me live so you gotta go.
---
## NIKKI: ON
---
## VIDEO:
You blaming me?
---
You were the one dumb enough to get pregnant and trade your career in for a nigga who abused you.
---
If you woulda been making money you could have afforded better care that could have saved your mom’s life.
---
YOU gotta go.
---
## NIKKI:
I can’t get that time back but I can make a life worth living and I can’t take you with me.
---
You gotta go.
---
## NIKKI: ON
---
## VIDEO:
The old you made a life worth living and how did that work out?
---
Be realistic, YOU gotta go.
---
## NIKKI:
That’s what you do.
---
You constantly make me compare myself to how I used to be.
---
No I can’t get my momma back.
---
I can’t get my child back, I can’t get my time back but I’m done being stuck in the past.
---
You make me hate myself.
---
You make me feel like I’m not good enough.
---
You gotta go.
---
I been this way for too long, I can’t go on like this and u can fight me if u want but you better bring it the fuck on cuz only one of us is gonna make it out alive!
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY, FLOAT AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY, FLOAT AWAY ♪
---
♪ IF I’M LONELY WHEN I’M ALONE ♪
---
♪ AND SILENCE MAKES ME WANNA SCREAM ♪
---
♪ WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME ♪
---
♪ IF I’M LONELY WHEN I’M ALONE ♪
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♪ BUT THERE’S NO PLACE I’D RATHER BE ♪
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♪ WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME ♪
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♪ IF I FIND WARMTH IN THE COLDEST TOUCH ♪
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♪ FEELING WHOLE IN HALF ASSED LOVE… ♪
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♪ THEN WHAT… DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME.
---
♪
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♪ IF I CAN TOLERATE A HEART OF STONE ♪
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♪ CUZ I CAN’T STAND BEING ALONE ♪
---
♪ THEN WHAT, THEN WHAT, ♪
---
♪ TELL ME WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ♪
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♪ I’M CRYING OCEANS AND FOLKS IS WONDERING HOW I COULD DROWN ON DRY LAND ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN ON DRY LAND ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN, DROWN… ♪
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♪ THEY SAY SINK OR SWIM I SAY I’M BROKEN ♪
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♪ THEY SAY SINK OR SWIM I’M BROKEN, I’M BROKEN BUT I DON’T WANNA REST IN PIECES HERE ♪
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♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY, FLOAT AWAY♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY ♪
---
♪ REST IN PIECES, GO AWAY, FLOAT AWAY ♪
---
♪ IF I’M NOT LONELY WHEN I’M ALONE ♪
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♪ AND I RELEASE WHAT I DON’T NEED ♪
---
♪ WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME ♪
---
♪ IF I’M NOT LONELY WHEN I’M ALONE ♪
---
♪ AND I CAN BE BROKEN BUT COMPLETE ♪
---
♪ WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?
---
♪
---
♪ I’M CRYING OCEANS AND FOLKS IS WONDERING ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN ON DRY LAND ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN ON DRY LAND ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN, DROWN… ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY SINK OR SWIM I SAY I’M BROKEN ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY SINK OR SWIM I’M BROKEN, I’M BROKEN ♪
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♪ BUT I DON’T WANNA REST IN PEACE ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY SINK OR SWIM I SAY I’M BROKEN ♪
---
♪ THEY SAY SINK OR SWIM I’M BROKEN, I’M BROKEN ♪
---
♪ BUT I DON’T WANNA REST IN PIECES HERE ♪
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♪ I’M CRYING OCEANS AND FOLKS IS WONDERING ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN ON DRY LAND ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN ON DRY LAND ♪
---
♪ HOW I COULD DROWN ♪
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♪ NOT GONNA REST IN PIECES HERE ♪
---
## NIKKI:
I have a black cat named Sable now.
---
I got her when she was a kitten.
---
She was the daughter I always wanted until I came home one day and she had balls and I realized she was a boy.
---
My romantic life is pretty good, too.
---
I’m getting food, sex, and money pretty consistently so… you know.
---
I'm living the dream.
---
And I’m looking pretty good these days, because I follow my mom’s 3 most important beauty tips:
---
## NIKKI AND ECHOES:
“Drink lots of water, moisturize twice a day, and don’t let no nigga dog you out.
---
”
---
## NIKKI:
I’ll never be a role model, u know?
---
I’m a suicide survivor, an abuse survivor, I don’t wear underwear, I speak openly about sex which women ain’t supposed to do despite the fact that that’s dumb as hell cuz if women didn’t like sex wouldn’t none of y’all be here… I’m not a role model.
---
But what I am is a damned good possibility model.
---
I’m standing here right now because I’m living proof that it’s possible for you or you or you or YOU to go to the deepest darkest lowest pits of despair and pain and loss and hopelessness and still get out alive.
---
♪ RIGHT…RIGHT…RIGHT…………RIGHT ♪
---
♪ THE ONE YOU LOVE MIGHT BE THE ONE TO LET YOU DOWN EVERY TIME. ♪
---
♪ DRY YOUR EYES, YOU DRY YOUR EYES. ♪
---
♪ SO JUST BE SURE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT NO ONE BY YOUR SIDE. ♪
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♪ 'CAUSE IN LIFE, THE STRONG SURVIVE. ♪
---
♪ THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE STRONG SURVIVE, ♪
---
♪ THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE STRONG SURVIVE♪
---
# GET OUT ALIVE
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