ARSENIC AND OLD LACE pt 1

--- title: ARSENIC AND OLD LACE pt 1 type: slide slideOptions: controls: false help: false slideNumber: false ---  <style> .present { color: yellow; text-align: left; padding: 0 2rem; } .present h2 { font-size: 70%; text-transform: uppercase; color: yellow; opacity: 0.7; } </style>  --- ---  --- [Preshow music - 1930's jazz and hits] --- [ominous jazz/saxaphone music] --- ## ABBY: Yes, indeed, my sister Martha and I have been talking all week about your sermon last Sunday. --- It’s really wonderful, Dr. Harper—in only two short years you’ve taken on the spirit of Brooklyn. --- ## HARPER: That’s very gratifying, Miss Brewster. --- ## ABBY: You see, living here next to the church all our lives, we’ve seen so many ministers come and go. --- The spirit of Brooklyn, we always say is friendliness—and your sermons are not so much sermons as friendly talks. --- ## TEDDY: Personally, I’ve always enjoyed my talks with Cardinal Gibbons—or have I met him yet? --- ## ABBY: No, dear, not yet. Are the biscuits good? --- ## TEDDY: Bully! --- ## ABBY: Won’t you have another biscuit, Dr. Harper? --- ## HARPER: Oh. No. --- I’m afraid I’ll have no appetite for dinner now. --- I always eat to many of your biscuits just to taste that lovely jam. --- ## ABBY: But you haven’t tried the quince. --- We always put a little apple in with it to take the tartness out. --- ## HARPER: No. Thank you. --- ## ABBY: We’ll send you over a jar. --- ## HARPER: No, no. --- You keep it here so I can be sure of having your biscuits with it. --- ## ABBY: I do hope they don’t make us use that imitation flour again. --- I mean with this war trouble. --- It may not be very charitable of me, but, I’ve almost come to the conclusion that this Mr. Hitler isn’t a Christian. --- ## HARPER: If only Europe were on another planet! --- ## TEDDY: Europe, sir? --- ## HARPER: Yes, Teddy. --- ## TEDDY: Point your gun the other way! --- ## HARPER: Gun? --- ## ABBY: Teddy. --- ## TEDDY: To the West! There’s your danger! There’s your enemy! Japan! --- ## HARPER: Why, yes—yes, of course. --- ## ABBY: Teddy! --- ## TEDDY: No, Aunt Abby! Not so much talk about Europe and more about the canal! --- ## ABBY: Well, let’s not talk about war. --- Will you have another cup of tea, dear? --- ## TEDDY: No, thank you, Aunt Abby. --- ## ABBY: Dr. Harper? --- ## HARPER: No, thank you, I must admit, Miss Abby, that the war and violence seem far removed from these surroundings. --- ## ABBY: It is peaceful here, isn’t it? --- ## HARPER: Yes—peaceful. --- The virtues of another day—they’re all here in this house. --- The gentle virtues that went out with candlelight and good manners and low taxes. --- ## ABBY: It’s one of the oldest houses in Brooklyn. --- It’s just as it was when Grandfather Brewster built and furnished it—except for the electricity—and we use it as little as possible. --- It was Mortimer who persuaded us to put it in. --- ## HARPER: Yes, I can understand that. --- Your nephew Mortimer seems to live only by electric light. --- ## ABBY: The poor boy has to work so late. --- I understand he’s taking Elaine with him to the theatre again tonight. --- Teddy, your brother Mortimer will be here a little later. --- ## TEDDY: Dee-lighted! --- ## ABBY: We’re so happy it’s Elaine Mortimer takes to the theatre with him. --- ## HARPER: Well, it’s a new experience for me to wait up until three o’clock in the morning for my daughter to be brought home. --- ## ABBY: Oh, Dr. Harper, I hope you don’t disapprove of Mortimer. --- ## HARPER: Well— --- ## ABBY: We’d feel so guilty if you did—sister Martha and I. --- I mean since it was here in our home that your daughter met Mortimer. --- ## HARPER: Of course, Miss Abby. --- And so I’ll say immediately that I believe Mortimer himself to be quite a worthy gentleman. --- But I must also admit that I have watched the growing intimacy between him and my daughter with some trepidation. --- For one reason, Miss Abby. --- ## ABBY: You mean his stomach, Dr. Harper? --- ## HARPER: Stomach? --- ## ABBY: His dyspepsia—he’s bothered with it so, poor boy. --- ## HARPER: No, Miss Abby, I’ll be frank with you. --- I’m speaking of your nephew’s unfortunate connection with the theatre. --- ## ABBY: The theatre! Oh no, Dr. Harper! Mortimer writes for a New York newspaper. --- ## HARPER: I know, Miss Abby, I know, But a dramatic critic is constantly exposed to the theatre, --- and I don’t doubt but what comes of them do develop an interest in it. --- ## ABBY: Well, not Mortimer. You need have no fear of that. --- Why Mortimer hates the theatre. --- ## HARPER: Really? --- ## ABBY: Oh yes! He writes awful things about the theater. --- But you can’t blame him, poor boy. --- He was so happy writing about real estate, which he really knew something about, and then they just made him take this terrible night position. --- ## HARPER: My! My! --- ## ABBY: But, as he says, the theatre can’t last much longer anyway and in the meantime it’s a living. --- Yes, I think if we give the theatre another year or two, perhaps… --- [door chime] --- Well, now, who do you suppose that it? --- No, thank you, Teddy, I’ll go. --- Come in, Mr. Brophy. --- ## BROPHY: Hello, Miss Brewster. --- ## ABBY: How are you, Mr. Klein. --- ## KLEIN: Very well, Miss Brewster. --- ## TEDDY: What news have you brought me? --- ## BROPHY: Colonel, we have nothing to report. --- ## TEDDY: Splendid! Thank you, gentlemen! At ease! --- ## ABBY: You know Dr. Harper. --- ## KLEIN: Sure! Hello, Dr. Harper. --- ## BROPHY: We’ve come for the toys for the Christmas Fund. --- ## ABBY: Oh, yes. --- ## HARPER: That’s a splendid work you men do—fixing up discarded toys to give poor children a happier Christmas. --- ## KLEIN: It gives us something to do when we have to sit around the station. --- You get tired playing cards and then you start cleaning your gun, and the first thing you know you’ve shot yourself in the foot. --- ## ABBY: Teddy, go upstairs and get that big box from your Aunt Martha’s room. --- How is Mrs. Brophy today? --- Mrs. Brophy has been quite ill, Dr. Harper. --- ## BROPHY: Pneumonia! --- ## HARPER: I’m sorry to hear that. --- ## TEDDY: CHARGE! --- [door slam] --- [crashing sounds upstairs] --- ## BROPHY: Oh, she’s better now A little weak still— --- ## ABBY: I’m going to get you some beef broth to take to her. --- ## BROPHY: Don’t bother, Miss Abby! You’ve done so much for her already. --- ## ABBY: We made it this morning, Sister Martha is taking some to poor Mr. Benitzky right now. --- I won’t be a minute. --- Sit down and be comfortable, all of you. --- ## BROPHY: She shouldn’t go to all that trouble. --- ## KLEIN: Listen, try to stop her or her sister from doing something nice—and for nothing! They don’t even care how you vote. --- ## HARPER: When I received my call to Brooklyn and moved next door my wife wasn’t well. --- When she died and for months before—well, if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are, it’s because I’ve known the Brewster sisters. --- [loud, discordant bugle blow] --- ## BROPHY: Colonel, you promised not to do that. --- ## TEDDY: But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get the release of those supplies. --- [door slam] --- ## BROPHY: He used to do that in the middle of the night. --- The neighbors raised cain with us. --- They’re a little afraid of him, anyway. --- ## HARPER: Oh, he’s quite harmless. --- ## KLEIN: Suppose he does think he’s Teddy Roosevelt. --- There’s a lot worse people he could think he was. --- ## BROPHY: Damn shame—a nice family like this hatching a cuckoo. --- ## KLEIN: Well, his father—the old girls’ brother, was some sort of a genius wasn’t he? --- And their father—Teddy’s grandfather—seems to me I’ve heard he was a little crazy too. --- ## BROPHY: Yeah—he was crazy like a fox. --- He made a million dollars. --- ## HARPER: Really? Here in Brooklyn? --- ## BROPHY: Yeah. Patent medicine. --- He was a kind of a quack of some sort. Old Sergeant Edwards remembers him. --- He used the house here as sort of a clinic—tried ‘em out on people. --- ## KLEIN: Yeah, I hear he used to make mistakes occasionally, too. --- ## BROPHY: The department never bothered him much because he was pretty useful on autopsies sometimes. --- Especially poison cases. --- [spooky Hollywood movie violin] --- ## KLEIN: Well, whatever he did he left his daughters fixed for life. --- Thank God for that— --- ## BROPHY: Not that they ever spend any of it on themselves. --- ## HARPER: Yes, I’m well acquainted with their charities. --- ## KLEIN: You don’t know the tenth of it. --- When I was in the Missing Persons Bureau I was trying to trace an old man that we never did find— --- do you know there’s a renting agency that’s got this house down on its list for furnished rooms? --- They don’t rent rooms—but you can bet that anybody who comes here lookin’ for a room --- goes away with a good meal and probably a few dollars in their kick. --- ## BROPHY: It’s just their way of digging up people to do some good to. --- ## MARTHA: Well, now, isn’t this nice? --- ## BROPHY: Good afternoon, Miss Brewster. --- ## MARTHA: How do you do, Mr. Brophy? --- Dr. Harper. --- Mr. Klein. --- ## KLEIN: How are you , Miss Brewster? --- We dropped in to get the Christmas toys. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, yes, Teddy’s Army and Navy. --- They wear out. --- They’re all packed. --- ## BROPHY: The Colonel's upstairs after them—it seems the Cabinet has to OK it. --- ## MARTHA: Yes, of course. --- I hope Mrs. Brophy’s better? --- ## BROPHY: She’s doing fine, ma’am. --- Your sister’s getting some soup for me to take to her. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, yes, we made it this morning, I just took some to a poor old man who broke ever so many bones. --- ## ABBY: Oh, you’re back, Martha. --- How is Mr. Benitzky? --- ## MARTHA: Well, dear. It’s pretty serious, I’m afraid. --- The doctor was there. He’s going to amputate in the morning. --- ## ABBY: Can we be present? --- ## MARTHA: No. I asked him but he says it’s against the rules of the hospital. --- ## HARPER: You couldn’t be of any service—and you must spare yourselves something. --- ## ABBY: Here’s the broth, Mr. Brophy. --- Be sure it’s good and hot. --- ## BROPHY: Yes, ma’am. --- ## KLEIN: This is fine—it’ll make a lot of kids happy. --- That O’Malley boy is nuts about soldiers. --- ## TEDDY: That’s General Miles. --- I’ve retired him. --- What’s this? --- The Oregon! --- ## MARTHA: Teddy, dear, out it back. --- ## TEDDY: But the Oregon goes to Australia. --- ## ABBY: Now, Teddy— --- ## TEDDY: No, I’ve given my word to Fighting Bob Evans. --- ## MARTHA: But, Teddy— --- ## KLEIN: What’s the difference what kid gets it—Bobby Evans, Izzy Cohen? --- We’ll run a long, ma’am, and thank you very much. --- ## ABBY: Not at all. --- Goodbye. --- ## HARPER: I must be getting home. --- ## ABBY: Before you go, Dr. Harper— --- ## TEDDY: CHARGE! Charge the blockhouse! --- ## HARPER: The blockhouse? --- [door slam] --- ## MARTHA: The stairs are always San Juan Hill. --- ## HARPER: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn’t Teddy Roosevelt? --- ## ABBY: [laughter] Oh, no! --- ## MARTHA: He’s so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. --- ## ABBY: Once, a long time ago—remember, Martha? --- We thought if he would be George Washington it might be a change for him— --- ## MARTHA: But he stayed under his bed for days and just wouldn’t be anybody. --- ## ABBY: And we’d so much rather he’d be Mr. Roosevelt than nobody. --- ## HARPER: Well, if he’s happy—and what’s more important you’re happy—you’ll see that he signs these. --- ## MARTHA: What are they? --- ## ABBY: Dr. Harper has made all arrangements for Teddy to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. --- ## MARTHA: But why should Teddy sign any papers now? --- ## HARPER: It’s better to have it all settled. --- If the Lord should take you away suddenly perhaps we couldn’t persuade Teddy to commit himself and that would mean an unpleasant legal procedure. --- Mr. Witherspoon understands they’re to be filed away until the time comes to use them. --- ## MARTHA: Mr. Witherspoon? Who’s he? --- ## HARPER: He’s the Superintendent of Happy Dale. --- ## ABBY: Dr. Harper has arranged for him to drop in tomorrow or the next day to meet Teddy. --- ## HARPER: I’d better be running along or Elaine will be over here looking for me. --- ## ABBY: Give our love to Elaine—and Dr. Harper, please don’t think harshly of Mortimer because he’s a dramatic critic. --- Somebody has to do those things. --- ## MARTHA: Did you just have tea? Isn’t it rather late? --- ## ABBY: Yes—and dinner’s going to be late too. --- ## MARTHA: So? Why? --- ## ABBY: Teddy! Good news for you. --- You’re going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. --- ## TEDDY: Dee-lighted! That’s bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. --- ## TEDDY: CHARGE! --- ## MARTHA: Abby! While I was out? --- ## ABBY: Yes, dear! I just couldn’t wait for you. --- I didn’t know when you’d be back and Dr. Harper was coming. --- [door slam] --- ## MARTHA: But all by yourself? --- ## ABBY: Oh. I got along fine! --- ## MARTHA: I’ll run right downstairs and see. --- ## ABBY: Oh, no, there wasn’t time and I was all alone. --- ## MARTHA: Well— [laughter] --- ## ABBY: Martha—just look in the window seat. [laughter] --- [door chime] --- ## ABBY: Oh, it’s Elaine. --- Come in dear. --- ## ELAINE: Good afternoon, Miss Abby. Good afternoon, Miss Martha. --- I thought Father was here. --- ## MARTHA: He just this minute left. Didn’t you meet him? --- ## ELAINE: No, I took the short cut through the cemetery. --- Mortimer hasn’t come yet? --- ## ABBY: No, dear. --- ## ELAINE: Oh? He asked me to meet him here. Do you mind if I wait? --- ## MARTHA: Not at all. --- ## ABBY: Why don’t you sit down, dear? --- ## MARTHA: But we really must speak to Mortimer about doing this to you. --- ## ELAINE: Doing what? --- ## MARTHA: Well, he was brought up to know better. --- When a gentleman is taking a young lady out he should call for her at her house. --- ## ELAINE: Oh, there’s something about calling for a girl at a parsonage that discourages any man who doesn’t embroider. --- ## ABBY: He’s done this too often—we’re going to speak to him. --- ## ELAINE: Oh, please don’t. --- After young men whose idea of night life was to take me to a prayer meeting, it’s wonderful to go to the theatre almost every night of my life. --- ## MARTHA: It’s comforting for us too, because if Mortimer has to see some of those plays he has to see—at least he’s sitting next to a minister’s daughter. --- ## ABBY: My goodness, Elaine, what must you think of us—not having tea cleared away by this time. --- ## MARTHA: Now don’t bother with anything in the kitchen until Mortimer comes, and then I’ll help you. --- Mortimer should be here any minute now. --- ## ELAINE: Yes. --- Father must have been surprised not to find me at home. --- I’d better run over and say goodnight to him. --- ## MARTHA: It’s a shame you missed him, dear. --- ## ELAINE: If Mortimer comes you tell him I’ll be right back. --- Hello, Mort! --- ## MARTHA: Abby, Mortimer’s here! --- ## MORTIMER: Were you going somewhere? --- ## ELAINE: I was just going over to tell Father not to wait up for me. --- ## MORTIMER: I didn’t know that was still being done, even in Brooklyn. --- ## ABBY: Hello Mortimer. --- ## MORTIMER: Hello, Aunt Abby. --- ## ABBY: How are you , dear? --- ## MORTIMER: All right. --- And you look well. --- You haven’t changed much since yesterday. --- ## ABBY: Oh, my goodness, it was yesterday, wasn’t it? --- We’re seeing a great deal of you lately. --- Well, come, sit down. --- Sit down. --- ## MARTHA: Abby—haven’t we something in the kitchen? --- ## ABBY: Huh? --- ## MARTHA: You know—the tea things. --- ## ABBY: Oh, yes! Yes! The tea things. Well you two just make yourselves at home. --- Just-- --- ## MARTHA: –make yourselves at hime. --- ## ELAINE: Well, can’t you take a hint? --- ## MORTIMER: No… that was pretty obvious. A lack of inventiveness, I should say. --- ## ELAINE: Yes—that’s exactly what you’d say. --- ## MORTIMER: Where do you want to go or dinner? --- ## ELAINE: I don’t care. --- I’m not very hungry. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, I just had breakfast. --- Suppose we wait until after the show? --- ## ELAINE: But that’ll make it pretty late, won’t it? --- ## MORTIMER: Not with the little stinker we’re seeing tonight. --- From what I’ve heard about it we’ll be at Blake’s by ten o’clock. --- ## ELAINE: You ought to be fair to these plays. --- ## MORTIMER: Are these plays fair to me? --- ## ELAINE: I've never seen you walk out on a musical. --- ## MORTIMER: That musical isn’t opening tonight. --- ## ELAINE: No? --- ## MORTIMER: Darling, you ‘ll have to learn the rules. --- With a musical there are always four changes of title and three postponements. --- They liked it in New Haven but it needs a lot of work. --- ## ELAINE: Oh, I was hoping it was a musical. --- ## MORTIMER: You have such a light mind. --- ## ELAINE: Not a bit. --- Musicals somehow have a humanizing effect on you. --- After a serious play we join the proletariat in the subway and I listen to a lecture on the drama. --- [laughter] --- After a musical you bring me home in a taxi and you make a few passes. --- ## MORTIMER: Now wait a minute, darling, that’s a very inaccurate piece of reporting. --- ## ELAINE: Oh, I will admit that after the Behrman play you told me I had authentic beauty—and that’s a hell of a thing to say to a girl. --- It wasn’t until after our first musical you told me I had nice legs. --- And I have too. --- ## MORTIMER: For a minister’s daughter you know a lot about life. --- Where’d you learn it! --- ## ELAINE: In the choir loft. --- ## MORTIMER: I’ll explain that to you sometime, darling—the close connection between eroticism and religion. --- ## ELAINE: Religion never gets as high as the choir loft. --- Which reminds me, I’d better tell Father please not to wait up for me tonight. --- ## MORTIMER: I’ve never been able to rationalize it. --- ## ELAINE: What? --- ## MORTIMER: My falling in love with a girl who lives in Brooklyn. --- ## ELAINE: Falling in love? --- You’re not stooping to the articulate, are you? --- ## MORTIMER: The only way I can regain my self-respect is to keep you in New York. --- ## ELAINE: Did you say keep? --- ## MORTIMER: No, no. I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re holding out for the legalities. --- ## ELAINE: I can afford to be a good girl for quite a few years yet. --- ## MORTIMER: And I can’t wait that long. --- Where could we be married in a hurry—say tonight? --- ## ELAINE: I’m afraid my Father will insist on officiating. --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, God! I’ll bet you father could make even the marriage service sound pedestrian. --- ## ELAINE: Are you by any chance writing a review of it? --- ## MORTIMER: Forgive me darling. --- It’s an occupational disease. --- I may give that play tonight a good notice. --- ## ELAINE: Now, darling, don’t pretend you love me that much. --- ## MORTIMER: Be sure to tell your father not to wait up tonight. --- ## ELAINE: I think tonight I’d better tell him to wait up. --- ## ELAINE: Nevertheless— --- ## MORTIMER: All right, everything formal and legal. But not later than next month. --- ## ELAINE: Darling! I’ll talk it over with Father and set the date. --- ## MORTIMER: No—we’ll have to see what’s in rehearsal. --- There’ll be a lot of other first nights in October. --- ## TEDDY: Hello, Mortimer! --- ## MORTIMER: How are you, Mr. President? --- ## TEDDY: Bully, thank you. --- Just bully! What news have you brought me? --- ## MORTIMER: Just this, Mr. President—the country is squarely behind you. --- ## TEDDY: Yes, I know. Isn’t it wonderful? --- Well, goodbye. --- Goodbye. --- ## ELAINE: Where are you off to, Teddy --- ## TEDDY: Panama. --- ## MORTIMER: Panama’s the cellar. --- He digs locks for the canal down there. --- ## ELAINE: You’re so sweet with him—and he’s very fond of you. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, Teddy was always by favorite brother. --- ## ELAINE: Favorite? Were there more of you? --- ## MORTIMER: There’s another brother—Jonathan. --- ## ELAINE: I never heard of him. Your aunts never mention him. --- ## MORTIMER: No, we don’t like to talk about Jonathan. --- He left Brooklyn very early—by request. --- Jonathan was the kind of boy who liked to cut worms in two—with his teeth. --- ## ELAINE: What became of him? --- ## MORTIMER: I don’t know. --- He wanted to become a surgeon like Grandfather but he wouldn’t go to medical school first and his practice got into trouble. --- ## ABBY: Aren’t you two going to be late for the theatre? --- ## MORTIMER: We’re skipping dinner. --- We won’t have to start for half an hour. --- ## ABBY: Well, then I’ll leave you two alone together again. --- ## ELAINE: Don’t bather, darling. --- I’m going to run over to speak to Father. --- Before I go out with you he likes to pray over me a little. --- I’ll be right back—I’ll cut through the cemetery. --- ## MORTIMER: If the prayer isn’t too long, I’d have time to lead you beside distilled waters. --- ## ABBY: Mortimer, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you quote the bible. --- We knew Elaine would be a good influence on you. --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, by the way—I’m going to marry her. --- ## ABBY: What?! --- [laughter] --- ## ABBY: Oh, darling! Martha! Martha! Come right in here. --- I’ve got the most wonderful news for you—Mortimer and Elaine are going to be married. --- ## MARTHA: Married? --- Oh, Mortimer! --- [laughter] --- ## ABBY: We hoped it would happen just like this. --- ## MARTHA: Well, Elaine must be the happiest girl in the world. --- ## MORTIMER: Happy! Just look at her leaping over those gravestones. --- Say! What’s that? --- ## MARTHA: What’s that, dear? --- ## MORTIMER: See that statue there? --- That’s a horuninida carnina. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, no, dear—that’s Emma B. Stout ascending to heaven. --- ## MORTIMER: No, no—standing on Mrs. Stout’s left ear. --- That bird—that’s a crested swallow. --- I’ve only seen one of those before in my life. --- ## ABBY: I don’t know how you can be thinking about a bird now—what with Elaine and the engagement and everything. --- ## MORTIMER: It’s a vanishing species. Thoreau was very fond of them. --- By the way, I left a large envelope around here last week. --- It was one of the chapters of my book on Thoreau. Have you seen it? --- ## MARTHA: Well, if you left it here it must be somewhere. --- ## ABBY: When are you going to be married? What are your plans? --- There must be something more you can tell us about Elaine. --- ## MORTIMER: Elaine? Oh, yes, Elaine thought it was brilliant. --- ## MARTHA: What was, dear? --- ## MORTIMER: My chapter on Thoreau. --- ## ABBY: Well, when Elaine comes back I think we ought to have a little celebration. --- We must drink to your happiness. --- Martha, isn’t there some of the Lady Baltimore cake left? --- ## MARTHA: Oh, yes! --- ## ABBY: And I’ll open a bottle of wine. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, and to think it happened in this room! --- ## MORTIMER: Now where could I have out that? --- ## ABBY: Well, with your fiancée sitting beside you tonight, I do hope the play will be something you can enjoy for once. --- It may be something romantic. What’s the name of it? --- ## MORTIMER: “Murder Will Out.” --- ## ABBY: Oh dear! --- ## MORTIMER: When the curtain goes up the first thing you’ll see will be a dead body. --- [spooky violin] --- [longer spooky violin] --- ## MORTIMER: Aunt Abby! --- ## ABBY: Yes, dear? --- ## MORTIMER: You were going to make plans for Teddy to go to that…sanitarium—Happy Dale— --- ## ABBY: Yes, dear, it’s all arranged. --- Dr. Harper was here today and he brought the papers for Teddy to sign. --- Here they are. --- ## MORTIMER: He’s got to sign them right away. --- ## ABBY: That’s what Dr. Harper thinks. --- Then there won’t be any legal difficulties after we pass on. --- ## MORTIMER: He’s got to sign them this minute! He’s down in the cellar—get him up here right away. --- ## MARTHA: There’s no such hurry as that. --- ## ABBY: No. When Teddy starts working on the canal you can’t get his mind on anything else. --- ## MORTIMER: Teddy’s got to go to Happy Dale now—tonight. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, no, dear, that’s not until after we’re gone. --- ## MORTIMER: Right away, I tell you—right away! --- ## ABBY: Why, Mortimer, how can you say such a thing? --- Why, as long as we live we’ll never be separated from Teddy. --- ## MORTIMER: Listen, darlings, I’m frightfully sorry, but I’ve got some shocking news for you. --- Now we’ve all got to try and keep our heads. --- You know we’ve sort of humored Teddy because we thought he was harmless. --- ## MARTHA: Why he is harmless! --- ## MORTIMER: He was harmless. That’s why he has to go to Happy Dale. --- Why he has to be confined. --- ## ABBY: Mortimer, why have you suddenly turned against Teddy—your own brother? --- ## MORTIMER: You’ve got to know sometime. It might as well be now. --- Teddy’s killed a man! --- ## MARTHA: Nonsense, dear. --- ## MORTIMER: There’s a body in the window seat! --- ## ABBY: Yes, dear, we know. --- ## MORTIMER: You know?! --- ## MARTHA: Of course, dear, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. --- ## ABBY: Now, Mortimer, just forget about it—forget you ever saw the gentleman. --- ## MORTIMER: Forget?! --- ## ABBY: We never dreamed you’d peek. --- ## MORTIMER: But who is he? --- ## ABBY: His name’s Hoskins—Adam Hoskins. --- That’s really all I know about him—except that he’s a Methodist. --- ## MORTIMER: That’s all you know about him? --- Well, what’s he doing here? --- What happened to him? --- ## MARTHA: He died. --- ## MORTIMER: Aunt Martha, men don’t just get into window seats and die. --- ## ABBY: No, he died first. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, how? --- ## ABBY: Oh, Mortimer, don’t be so inquisitive. --- The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. --- ## MORTIMER: How did the poison get in the wine? --- ## MARTHA: Well, we put it in wine because it’s less noticeable—when it’s in tea it has a distinct color. --- ## MORTIMER: You put it in the wine. --- ## ABBY: Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat because Dr. Harper was coming. --- ## MORTIMER: So you know what you’d done! You didn’t want Dr. Harper to see the body? --- ## ABBY: Well, not at tea—that wouldn’t have been very nice. --- Now, Mortimer, you know the whole thing, just forget about it. --- I do think Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. --- ## MARTHA: And don’t you tell Elaine! Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. --- She’s much better but she would like us to take Junior to the movies again. --- ## ABBY: Well, we must do that tomorrow or next day. --- ## MARTHA: Yes, but this time we’ll go where we want to go. --- Junior’s not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. --- ## MORTIMER: City desk! Hello, Al, Do you know who this is? --- That’s right. --- Say, Al, when I left the office, I told you where I was going, remember? --- —Well, where did I say? --- Uh-huh. Well, it would take me about half an hour to get to Brooklyn. --- What time have you got? --- That’s right. --- I must be here. --- Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Come in here! What are we going to do? --- What are we going to do? --- ## MARTHA: What are we going to do about what, dear? --- ## MORTIMER: There’s a body in there. --- ## ABBY: Yes—Mr. Hoskins. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, good heavens, I can’t turn you over to the police! But what am I going to do? --- ## MARTHA: Well, for one thing, dear, stop being so excited. --- ## ABBY: And for pity’s sake stop worrying. --- We told you to forget the whole thing. --- ## MORTIMER: Forget! My dear Aunt Abby, can’t I make you realize that something has to be done? --- ## ABBY: Now Mortimer, you behave yourself. --- You’re too old to be flying off the handle like this. --- ## MORTIMER: But Mr. Hotchkiss— --- ## ABBY: Hoskins, dear. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, whatever his name is, you can’t leave him there. --- ## MARTHA: We don’t intend to, dear. --- ## ABBY: No, Teddy’s down in the cellar now digging the lock. --- ## MORTIMER: You mean you’re going to bury Mr. Hotchkiss in the cellar? --- ## MARTHA: Oh, yes, dear,-- that’s what we did with the others. --- ## MORTIMER: No! You can’t bury Mr.— --- others? --- ## ABBY: The other gentlemen. --- ## MORTIMER: When you say others—do you mean—others? --- More than one others? --- ## MARTHA: Oh yes, dear. Let me see, this is eleven. --- Isn’t it, Abby? --- ## ABBY: No, dear, this makes twelve. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, I think you’re wrong, Abby. This is only eleven. --- ## ABBY: No, dear because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he would make just an even dozen. --- ## MARTHA: Well, you really shouldn’t count the first one. --- ## ABBY: Oh, but I was counting the first one. --- So that makes twelve. --- [phone ringing] --- ## MORTIMER: Hello! Hello. --- Oh, hello, Al. --- My, it’s good to hear your voice. --- ## ABBY: Well, anyway, they’re all down in the cellar— --- ## MORTIMER: Ssshhh—Oh, no, Al. I’m sober as a lark. --- I just called you because I was feeling a little Pirandello—Piran—you wouldn’t know, Al Look, I’m glad you called. --- Get hold of George right away. --- He’s got to review the play tonight. I can’t make it. --- No, Al, you’re wrong. --- I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. --- Well, George has got to cover the play tonight! This is my department and I’m running it! You get ahold of George! Now let’s see, where were we? --- TWELVE! --- ## MARTHA: Yes, Abby thinks we ought to count the first one and that makes twelve. --- ## MORTIMER: All right—now—who was the first one? --- ## ABBY: Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist. --- ## MARTHA: Of course, I still think we can’t claim full credit for him because he just died. --- ## ABBY: Martha means without any help from us. --- You see, Mr. Midgely came here looking for a room— --- ## MARTHA: It was right after you moved to New York. --- ## ABBY: –And it didn’t seem right for that lovely room to be going to waste when there were so many people who needed it— --- ## MARTHA: –He was such a lonely old man… --- ## ABBY: All his kith and kin were dead and it left him so forlorn and unhappy— --- ## MARTHA: –We felt so sorry for him. --- ## ABBY: And then when his heart attack came—and he sat dead in the chair looking so peaceful. --- Remember, Martha—we made up our minds then and there that if we could help other lonely old men to that same peace—we would! --- ## MORTIMER: He dropped dead right in that chair! How awful for you! --- ## MARTHA: Oh, no, dear. Why, it was rather like old times. --- Your grandfather always used to have a cadaver or two around the house. --- You see, Teddy had been digging in Panama and he thought Mr. Midgely was a Yellow Fever victim. --- ## ABBY: That meant he had to be buried immediately. --- ## MARTHA: So we all took him down to Panama and put him in the lock. --- Now that’s why we told you not to worry about it because we know exactly what’s to be done. --- ## MORTIMER: And that’s how all this started—that man walking in here and dropping dead? --- ## ABBY: Of course, we realized we couldn’t depend on that happening again. So— --- ## MARTHA: You remember those jars of poison that have been up on the shelves in Grandfather’s laboratory all these years? --- ## ABBY: You know your Aunt Martha’s knack for mixing things. You’ve eaten enough of her piccalilli. --- ## MARTHA: Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine I take one teaspoonful of arsenic, then add a half teaspoonful of strychnine and then just a pinch of cyanide. --- ## MORTIMER: Should have quite a kick. --- ## ABBY: Yes! As a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found time say “How delicious!” --- [nervous laughter] --- ## MARTHA: Well, I’ll have to get things started in the kitchen. --- ## ABBY: I wish you could stay for dinner. --- ## MARTHA: I’m trying a new recipe. --- ## MORTIMER: I couldn’t eat a thing. --- ## ABBY: I’ll come and help you, dear. --- Well, I feel so much better now. Oh, you have to wait for Elaine, don’t you? --- How happy you must be. --- Well, dear, I’ll leave you alone with your thoughts. --- [hums bridle march] --- [tense bassoon music] --- [door chime] --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, it’s you. --- ## ELAINE: Don’t be cross, darling. --- Father could see that I was excited—so I told him about us and that made it hard for me to get away. --- But listen, darling—he’s not going to wait up for me tonight. --- ## MORTIMER: You run along home, Elaine, and I’ll call you up tomorrow. --- ## ELAINE: Tomorrow! --- ## MORTIMER: You know I always call you up every day or two. --- ## ELAINE: But we’re going to the theatre tonight. --- ## MORTIMER: No—no we’re not! --- ## ELAINE: Well, why not? --- ## MORTIMER: Elaine, something’s come up. --- ## ELAINE: What, darling? --- Mortimer—you’ve lost your job! --- ## MORTIMER: No—no—I haven’t lost my job. --- I’m just not covering that play tonight. Now you run along home, Elaine. --- ## ELAINE: But I’ve got to know what’s happened. Certainly you can tell me. --- ## MORTIMER: No, dear, I can’t. --- ## ELAINE: But it we’re going to be married. --- ## MORTIMER: Married? --- ## ELAINE: Have you forgotten that not fifteen minutes ago you proposed to me? --- ## MORTIMER: I did? --- Oh—yes! Well, as far as I know that’s still on. --- Now you run along home, Elaine. --- I’ve got to do something. --- ## ELAINE: Listen, you can’t propose to me one minute and throw me out of the house the next. --- ## MORTIMER: I’m not throwing you out of the house, darling. --- Will you get out of here? --- ## ELAINE: No, I won’t get out of here. --- Not until I’ve had some kind of explanation. --- [phone ringing] --- ## MORTIMER: Hello! Oh, hello. --- Hold on a minute, will you? --- —All right, it’s important! But it can wait a minute, can’t it? Hold on! --- Look, Elaine, you’re a sweet girl and I love you. --- But I have something on my mind now and I want you to go home and wait until I call you. --- ## ELAINE: Don’t try to be masterful. --- ## MORTIMER: When we’re married and I have problems to face I hope you’re less tedious and uninspired! --- ## ELAINE: And when we’re married—if we’re married—I hope find you adequate! --- ## MORTIMER: Elaine! Elaine! --- [door chime] --- Hello. Hello, Al? Hello? --- ## ABBY: That’s the doorbell, dear, not the telephone. --- How do you do? Come in. --- ## GIBBS: I understand you have a room to rent. --- ## ABBY: Yes. Won’t you step in? --- ## GIBBS: Are you the lady of the house? --- ## ABBY: Yes, I’m Miss Brewster. And this is my sister, another Miss Brewster. --- ## GIBBS: My name is Gibbs. --- ## ABBY: Oh, won’t you sit down. --- I’m sorry we were just setting the table for dinner. --- ## MORTIMER: Hello—let me talk to Al again. --- City desk. AL! CITY DESK! WHAT? --- I’m sorry, wrong number. --- ## GIBBS: May I see the room? --- ## MARTHA: Why don’t you sit down a minute and let’s get acquainted. --- ## GIBBS: That won’t do much good if I don’t like the room. --- ## ABBY: Is Brooklyn your home? --- ## GIBBS: Haven’t got a home. Live in a hotel. Don’t like it. --- ## MORTIMER: Hello. City desk. --- ## MARTHA: Are yor family Brooklyn people? --- ## GIBBS: Haven’t got any family. --- ## ABBY: All alone in the world? --- ## GIBBS: Yep. --- ## ABBY: Well, Martha—Well, you’ve come to just the right house. --- Do sit down. --- ## MORTIMER: Hello, Al? It's Mort. We got cut off. --- Al, I can’t cover the play tonight—that’s all there is to it, I can’t! --- ## MARTHA: What church do you go to? --- There’s an Episcopal church practically next door. --- ## GIBBS: I’m a Presbyterian. Used to be. --- ## MORTIMER: What’s George doing in Bermuda? --- Certainly I told him he could go to Bermuda—it’s my department, isn’t it? --- Well, you’ve got to get somebody. Who else is there around the office? --- ## GIBBS: Is there always this much noise? --- ## MARTHA: Oh, he doesn’t live with us. --- ## MORTIMER: There must be somebody around the place. --- Look, Al, how about the office boy? --- You know the bright one—the one we don’t like? --- Well, you look around the office, I’ll hold on. --- ## GIBBS: I’d really like to see the room. --- ## ABBY: It’s upstairs. --- Won’t you try a glass of our wine before we start up? --- ## GIBBS: Never touch it. --- ## MARTHA: We make this ourselves. --- It’s elderberry wine. --- ## GIBBS: Elderberry wine. --- I haven’t tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. --- Thank you. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, there must be some printers around. --- Look, Al, the fellows who sets my copy. --- He ought to know about what I’d write. --- His name's George. He’s third machine from the left. --- But, Al, he might turn out to be another Burns Mantle! --- ## GIBBS: Do you have your own elderberry bushes? --- ## MARTHA: No, but the cemetery is full of them. --- ## MORTIMER: No, I’m not drinking, but I’m going to start now. --- ## GIBBS: Do you serve any meals? --- ## ABBY: We might, but first just see whether you like our wine. --- ## MARTHA: Mortimer! Eh eh eh eh! Eh eh eh eh! --- ## ABBY: Mortimer! Not that. --- [loud yell] --- [another loud yell] --- [one more loud yell] --- [door slam] --- [one last yell] --- ## ABBY: Now you’ve spoiled everything. --- ## MORTIMER: You can’t do things like that. --- I don’t know how to explain this to you, but it’s not only against the law, it’s wrong! --- It’s not a nice thing to do. --- People wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t understand! --- ## MARTHA: Abby, we shouldn’t have told Mortimer! --- ## MORTIMER: What I mean is—well, this has developed into a very bad habit. --- ## ABBY: Mortimer, we don’t try to stop you from doing things you like to do. --- I don’t see why you should interfere with us. --- [phone ringing] --- ## MORTIMER: What!? --- All right, I’ll see the first act and I’ll pan the hell out of it. --- But look, Al, you’ve got to do something for me. --- Get a hold of O’Brien—our lawyer, the head of our legal department. --- Have him meet me at the theatre. --- Now, don’t let me down. --- OK I’m starting now. --- Look, I’ve got to go to the theatre, I can’t get out of it. --- But, before I go will you promise me something? --- ## MARTHA: We’d have to know what it was first. --- ## MORTIMER: I love you very much and I know you love me. --- You know I’d do anything in the world for you and I want you to do just this little thing for me. --- ## ABBY: What do you want us to do? --- ## MORTIMER: Don’t do anything. --- I mean don’t do anything. Don’t let anyone in this house—and leave Mr. Hoskins right where he is. --- ## MARTHA: Why? --- ## MORTIMER: I want time to think—and I’ve got quite a little to think about. --- You know I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you. --- ## ABBY: Well, what on earth could happen to us? --- ## MORTIMER: Anyway—you’ll do this for me, won’t you? --- ## MARTHA: Well—we were planning on holding services before dinner. --- ## MORTIMER: Services! --- ## MARTHA: Certainly. You don’t think we’d bury Mr. Hoskins without a full Methodist service, do you? --- Why he was a Methodist. --- ## MORTIMER: But can’t that wait until I get back? --- ## ABBY: Oh, then you could join us. --- ## MORTIMER: Yes! Yes! --- ## ABBY: Oh, Mortimer, you’ll enjoy the services—especially the hymns. --- Remember how beautifully Mortimer used to sing in the choir before his voice changed? --- ## MORTIMER: And remember, you’re not going to let anyone in the house while I’m gone—it’s a promise! --- ## MARTHA: Well— --- ## ABBY: Oh Martha, we can do that now that Mortimer’s cooperating with us. --- Well, all right, Mortimer. --- ## MORTIMER: Have you some paper? --- I’ll get back just as soon as I can. --- There’s a man I’ve got to see. --- ## ABBY: Here’s some stationary. --- Will this do? --- ## MORTIMER: That’ll be fine. --- I can save time if I write my review on the way to the theatre. --- ## MARTHA: Mortimer didn’t seem quite himself today. --- ## ABBY: Well, that’s only natural—I think I know why. --- ## MARTHA: Why? --- ## ABBY: He’s become engaged to be married. --- I suppose that always makes a man nervous. --- ## MARTHA: Well, I’m so happy for Elaine—and their honeymoon ought to give Mortimer a real vacation. --- I don’t think he got much rest this summer. --- ## ABBY: Well, at least he didn’t go kiting off to China or Spain. --- ## MARTHA: I could never understand why he wanted to go to those places. --- ## ABBY: Well, I think to Mortimer the theatre has always seemed pretty small potatoes. --- He needs something big to criticize—something like the human race. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, Abby, if Mortimer’s coming back for the services for Mr. Hoskins, we’ll need another hymnal. --- There’s one in my room. --- ## ABBY: You know, dear, it’s really my turn to read the services, but since you weren’t here when Mr. Hoskins came, I want you to do it. --- ## MARTHA: That’s very nice of you, dear—but, are you sure you want me to? --- ## ABBY: It’s only fair. --- ## MARTHA: Well, I think I’ll wear my black bombazine and Mother’s old brooch. --- ## ABBY: I’ll go, dear. --- [door chime] --- ## MARTHA: We promised Mortimer we wouldn’t let anyone in. --- ## ABBY: Who do you suppose it is? --- ## MARTHA: Wait a minute, I’ll look. --- It’s two men—and I’ve never seen them before. --- ## ABBY: Are you sure? --- ## MARTHA: There’s a car at the curb—they must have come in that. --- ## ABBY: Let me look! --- ## MARTHA: Do you recognize them? --- ## ABBY: They’re strangers to me. --- ## MARTHA: We’ll just have to pretend we’re not at home. --- [low, ominous underscore, piano, violin] --- [rattling of the door knob] --- [creaking door] --- [low, ominous underscore, piano, violin] --- ## JONATHAN: Come in, Doctor. --- This is the home of my youth. --- As a boy I couldn’t wait to escape from this place—now I’m glad to escape back into it. --- ## EINSTEIN: Yah, Chonny, it’s a fine hideout. --- ## JONATHAN: The family must still live here. --- There’s something so unmistakably Brewster about the Brewsters. --- I hope there’s a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. --- ## EINSTEIN: Yah, I’m hungry. --- Look, Chonny, drinks! --- [laughter, clinking glasses] --- ## ABBY: Who are you? --- What are you doing here? --- ## JONATHAN: Why, Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! It’s Jonathan. --- [screaming] --- ## MARTHA: You get out of here. --- ## JONATHAN: I’m Jonathan—your nephew, Jonathan. --- ## ABBY: Oh, no, you’re not. --- You’re nothing like Jonathan, so don’t pretend you are! You just get out of here! --- ## JONATHAN: But I am Jonathan. --- And this is Dr. Einstein. --- ## ABBY: And he’s not Dr. Einstein either. --- ## JONATHAN: Not Dr. Albert Einstein—Dr. Herman Einstein. --- ## ABBY: Who are you? --- You’re not our nephew, Jonathan. --- ## JONATHAN: I see you’re still wearing the lovely garnet ring that Grandma Brewster bought in England. --- And you, Aunt Martha, still the high collar—to hide the scare where Grandfather’s acid burned you. --- ## MARTHA: His voice is like Jonathan’s. --- ## ABBY: Have you been in an accident? --- ## JONATHAN: No—my face—Dr. Einstein is responsible for that. --- He’s a plastic surgeon. He changes people’s faces. --- ## MARTHA: But I’ve seen that face before. --- Abby, remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies and I was so frightened? --- It was that face! --- ## EINSTEIN: Easy, Chonny—easy! Don’t worry, ladies. --- The last five years I give Chonny three new faces. --- I give him another one right away. --- The last face—well, I saw that picture too—just before I operate. --- And I was intoxicated. --- ## JONATHAN: You see, Doctor—you see what you’ve done to me. --- Even my own family— --- ## EINSTEIN: Chonny—you’re home—in this lovely house—How often he tells me about Brooklyn—this house—about his aunts that he lofes so much. --- They know you, Chonny. --- You know it’s Jonathan. --- Speak to him. --- Tell him so. --- ## ABBY: Well—Jonathan—it’s been a long time—what have you been doing all these years? --- ## MARTHA: Yes, Jonathan, where have you been. --- ## JONATHAN: Oh, England, South Africa, Australia, the last five years Chicago. --- Dr. Einstein and I were in business together. --- ## ABBY: Oh, we were in Chicago for the World’s Fair. --- ## MARTHA: Yes—we found Chicago awfully warm. --- ## EINSTEIN: Yah—it got hot for us too. --- ## JONATHAN: Well, it’s wonderful to be in Brooklyn again. --- And you—Abby—Martha you don’t look a day older. --- Just as I remembered you—sweet—charming—hospitable. --- And dear Teddy—did he get into politics? --- My little brother, Doctor, was determined to become President. --- ## ABBY: Oh, Teddy’s fine! Just fine! And Mortimer’s well too. --- ## JONATHAN: I know about Mortimer. --- I’ve seen his picture at the head of his column. --- He’s evidently fulfilled all the promise of his early nasty nature. --- ## ABBY: We’re very fond of Mortimer. --- ## MARTHA: Well, Jonathan, it’s very nice to have seen you again. --- ## JONATHAN: Bless you, Aunt Martha. --- It’s good to be home again. --- ## ABBY: Well, Martha, we mustn’t let what’s on the stove boil over. --- ## MARTHA: Yes. If you’ll excuse us for a minute, Jonathan. --- Unless you’re in a hurry to go somewhere. --- ## EINSTEIN: Well, Chonny, where do we go from here? --- We got to think fast. --- The police. The police have got pictures of that face. --- I got to operate on you right away. --- We got to find some place for that—and we got to find a place for Mr. Spenalzo too. --- ## JONATHAN: Don’t waste any worry on that. --- ## EINSTEIN: But, Chonny, we got a hot stiff on our hands. --- ## JONATHAN: He said I looked like Boris Karloff! That’s your work, Doctor. --- You did that to me! --- ## EINSTEIN: Now, Chonny—we find a place somewhere—I’ll fix you up quick! --- ## JONATHAN: Tonight! --- ## EINSTEIN: Chonny—I got to eat first. I’m hungry—I’m weak. --- ## ABBY: Jonathan—we’re glad that you remembered us and took the trouble to come in and say “Hello”. --- But you were never happy in this house and we were never happy while you were in it—so, we’ve just come in to say goodbye. --- ## JONATHAN: Aunt Abby, I can’t say that your feeling toward me comes as a surprise. --- I’ve spent a great many hours regretting the many heartaches I must have given you as a boy. --- ## ABBY: You were quite a trial to us, Jonathan. --- ## JONATHAN: But my great disappointment is for Dr. Einstein. --- I promised him that no matter how rushed we were in passing through Brooklyn, --- I’d take the time bring him here for one of Aunt Martha’s home-cooked dinners. --- ## MARTHA: Oh… --- ## ABBY: I’m sorry I’m afraid there wouldn’t be enough. --- ## MARTHA: Abby, it’s a pretty good-sized pot roast. --- ## JONATHAN: Pot roast! --- ## MARTHA: It's the least we can do is to— --- ## JONATHAN: Thank you, Aunt Martha! We’ll stay to dinner. --- ## ABBY: Well, we’ll hurry it along. --- ## MARTHA: Yes! --- ## ABBY: Oh, Jonathan, if you want to freshen up—why don’t you use the washroom in Grandfather’s old laboratory. --- ## JONATHAN: Is that still there? --- ## ABBY: Oh, yes. Just as he left it. --- Well, I’ll help Martha get things started—since we’re all in a hurry. --- ## EINSTEIN: Well, we get a meal anyway. --- ## JONATHAN: Grandfather’s laboratory? And just as it was. --- Doctor, a perfect operating room. --- ## EINSTEIN: Too bad we can’t use it. --- ## JONATHAN: After you’ve finished with me—Why we could make a fortune here. --- The laboratory—that large ward in the attic—ten beds, Doctor—and Brooklyn is crying for your talents. --- ## EINSTEIN: Vy vork yourself up, Chonny? --- Anyway, for Brooklyn I think we’re a year too late. --- ## JONATHAN: You don’t know this town, Doctor. --- Practically everybody in Brooklyn needs a new face. --- ## EINSTEIN: But so many of the old faces are locked up. --- ## JONATHAN: A very small percentage—and the boys in Brooklyn are famous for paying generously to stay out of jail. --- ## EINSTEIN: Take it easy, Chonny, your aunts—they don’t want us here. --- ## JONATHAN: We’re here for dinner, aren’t we? --- ## EINSTEIN: Yah—but after dinner? --- ## JONATHAN: Leave it to me, Doctor. --- I’ll handle it. --- Why, this house’ll be our headquarters for years. --- ## EINSTEIN: Oh, that would be beautiful, Chonny? --- This nice quiet house. --- Those aunts of yours—what sweet ladies. --- I love them already. --- I get the bags, yah! --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor! We must wait until we’re invited. --- ## EINSTEIN: But you chust said that— --- ## JONATHAN: We’ll be invited. --- ## EINSTEIN: And if they say no-- ? --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor—two helpless old women-- ? --- [laughter] --- ## EINSTEIN: It’s like comes true a beautiful dream—Only I hope you’re not dreaming. --- It’s so peaceful. --- [long, loud bugle blow, discordant, awful] --- ## TEDDY: CHARGE! ---  --- [upbeat jazz music] --- ## JONATHAN: Yes, Aunties, those five years in Chicago were amongst the busiest and happiest of my life. --- ## EINSTEIN: And from Chicago go to South Bend, Indiana. --- ## JONATHAN: They wouldn’t be interested in our experience in Indiana. --- ## ABBY: Well, Jonathan, you’ve led a very interesting life, I’m sure—but we really shouldn’t have allowed you to talk so late. --- ## JONATHAN: My meeting Dr. Einstein in London, I might say, changed the whole course of my life. --- You remember I had been in South Africa, in the diamond business—then Amsterdam, the diamond market. --- I wanted to go back to South Africa—and Dr. Einstein made it possible for me. --- ## EINSTEIN: A good job, Chonny. --- When we take off the bandages—his face look so different, the nurse had to introduce me. --- ## JONATHAN: I loved that face. --- I still carry the picture with me. --- ## ABBY: This looks more the way you used to look, but still I wouldn’t know you. --- ## JONATHAN: I think we’ll go back to that face, Doctor. --- ## EINSTEIN: Yah, it’s safe now. --- ## ABBY: Well, I know you both want to get to—where you’re going. --- ## JONATHAN: My dear aunts—I’m so full of that delicious dinner I’m unable to move a muscle. --- ## EINSTEIN: Yah, it’s nice here. --- ## MARTHA: After all—it’s very late and— --- ## TEDDY: I found it! I found it! --- ## JONATHAN: What did you find, Teddy? --- ## TEDDY: The story of my life—my biography. --- Here’s the picture I was telling you about, General. --- Here we are, both of us. --- “President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut." --- That’s me, General, and that’s you. --- ## EINSTEIN: My how I’ve changed. --- ## TEDDY: Well, you see that picture hasn’t been taken yet. --- We haven’t even started work on Culebra Cut. --- We’re digging locks. --- And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. --- ## ABBY: No, Teddy—not to Panama. --- ## EINSTEIN: We go some other time. --- Panama’s a long way off. --- ## TEDDY: Nonsense, it’s just down in the cellar. --- ## JONATHAN: The cellar? --- ## MARTHA: We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. --- ## TEDDY: General Goethals, as President of the United States, Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy and the man who gave you this job, --- I demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. --- ## JONATHAN: Teddy! I think it’s time you went to bed. --- ## TEDDY: I beg your pardon! Who are you? --- ## JONATHAN: I’m Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. --- ## TEDDY: No you’re not Wilson. --- But your face is familiar. --- Let me see—You’re not anyone I know now. --- Perhaps later—on my hunting trip to Africa-- yes you look like someone I might meet in the jungle. --- ## ABBY: It’s your brother, Jonathan, dear. --- ## MARTHA: He’s had his face changed. --- ## TEDDY: SO that’s it—a nature faker! --- ## ABBY: And perhaps you had better go to bed, Teddy—Jonathan and his friend have to go back to the hotel. --- ## JONATHAN: General Goethals, inspect the canal. --- ## EINSTEIN: All right, Mr. President. We go to Panama. --- ## TEDDY: Bully! Bully! Follow me, General. --- It’s down south you know. --- ## EINSTEIN: Well—bon voyage. --- ## JONATHAN: Aunt Abby, I must correct your misapprehension. --- You spoke of our hotel. --- We have no hotel. --- We came directly here— --- ## MARTHA: Well, there’s a very nice little hotel just three blocks down the— --- ## JONATHAN: Aunt Martha, this is my home. --- ## ABBY: But Jonathan, you can’t stay here. We need our rooms. --- ## JONATHAN: You need them? --- ## ABBY: Yes, for our lodgers. --- ## JONATHAN: Are there lodgers in this house? --- ## MARTHA: Well, not just now, but we plan to have some. --- ## JONATHAN: Then my old room is still free. --- ## ABBY: But, Jonathan, there’s no place for Dr. Einstein. --- ## JONATHAN: He’ll share the room with me. --- ## ABBY: No, Jonathan, I’m afraid you can’t stay here. --- ## JONATHAN: Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep. --- You remembered, this afternoon, that as a boy I could be disagreeable. --- It wouldn’t be very pleasant for any of us if— --- ## MARTHA: Perhaps we’d better let them stay here tonight— --- ## ABBY: Well, just overnight, Jonathan. --- ## JONATHAN: That’s settled. --- Now, if you’ll get my room ready— --- ## MARTHA: It only needs airing out. --- ## ABBY: We keep it ready to show our lodgers. --- I think you and Dr. Einstein will find it comfortable. --- ## JONATHAN: You have a most distinguished guest in Dr. Einstein. --- I’m afraid you don’t appreciate his skill. But, you will. --- In a few weeks you’ll see me looking like a very different Jonathan. --- ## MARTHA: He can’t operate on you here. --- ## JONATHAN: When Dr. Einstein and I get organized—when we resume practice—Oh, I forgot to tell you. --- We’re turning Grandfather’s laboratory into an operating room. --- We expect to be quite busy. --- ## ABBY: Jonathan, we will not let you turn this house into a hospital. --- ## JONATHAN: A hospital—heavens no! It will be a beauty parlor. --- ## EINSTEIN: Hey, Chonny, down in the cellar— --- ## JONATHAN: Dr. Einstein—my dear aunts have invited us to live with them. --- ## EINSTEIN: Oh, you fixed it? --- ## ABBY: Well, you’re sleeping here tonight. --- ## JONATHAN: Please get our room ready immediately. --- ## MARTHA: Well— --- ## ABBY: For tonight. --- ## EINSTEIN: Chonny, when I go down in the cellar, what do you think I find? --- ## JONATHAN: What? --- ## EINSTEIN: The Panama Canal. --- ## JONATHAN: The Panama Canal. --- ## EINSTEIN: It just fits Mr. Spenalzo. --- It’s a hole Teddy dug. Six feet long and four feet wide. --- ## JONATHAN: Down there! --- ## EINSTEIN: You’d think they knew we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo along. That’s hospitality. --- ## JONATHAN: Rather a good joke on my aunts—their living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. --- ## EINSTEIN: How do we get him in? --- ## JONATHAN: Yes. --- We can’t just walk him through the door. --- We’ll drive the car up between the house and the cemetery—then when they’ve gone to bed, we’ll bring Mr. Spenalzo in through the window. --- ## EINSTEIN: Bed! Just think, we’ve got a bed tonight! --- ## JONATHAN: Easy, Doctor. Remember you’re operating tomorrow. --- And this time you’d better be sober. --- ## EINSTEIN: I fix you up beautiful. --- ## JONATHAN: And if you don’t— --- ## ABBY: Jonathan! Your room is ready. --- ## JONATHAN: Then you can go to bed. --- We’re moving the car up behind the house. --- ## MARTHA: Its all right where it is—until morning. --- ## JONATHAN: I don’t want to leave it in the street—that might be against the law. --- ## MARTHA: Abby, what are we going to do? --- ## ABBY: Well, we’re not going to let them stay more than one night in this house for one thing. --- What would the neighbors think? --- People coming in here with one face and going out with another. --- ## MARTHA: What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins? --- ## ABBY: Oh, Mr. Hoskins. --- It can’t be very comfortable for him in there. --- And he’s been so patient, the poor dear. --- Well, I think Teddy had better get Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away. --- ## MARTHA: Abby—I will not invite Jonathan to the funeral services. --- ## ABBY: Oh, no We’ll wait until they’ve gone to bed and then come down and hold the services. --- ## TEDDY: General Goethals was very pleased. --- He says the Canal is just the right size. --- ## ABBY: Teddy! Teddy, there’s been another Yellow Fever victim. --- ## TEDDY: Dear me—this will be a shock to the General. --- ## MARTHA: Then we mustn’t tell him about it. --- ## TEDDY: But it’s his department. --- ## ABBY: No, we mustn’t tell him, Teddy. It would just spoil his visit. --- ## TEDDY: I’m sorry, Aunt Abby, it’s out of my hands—he’ll have to be told. --- Army regulations, you know. --- ## ABBY: No, Teddy, we keep it a secret. --- ## MARTHA: Yes! --- ## TEDDY: A state secret? --- ## ABBY: Yes, a state secret. --- ## MARTHA: Promise? --- ## TEDDY: You have the word of the President of the United States. --- Cross my heart and hope to die. --- Now, let’s see—how are we going to keep it secret? --- ## ABBY: Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when I turn out the lights—when it’s all dark—you come up and take the poor man down to the Canal. --- ## MARTHA: And we’ll come down later and hold services. --- ## TEDDY: You may announce the President will say a few words. --- Where is the poor devil? --- ## MARTHA: He’s in the window seat. --- ## TEDDY: It seems to be spreading. --- We’ve never had Yellow Fever there before. --- ## ABBY: Martha, when Jonathan and Dr. Einstein come back, let’s see if we can get them to go to bed right away. --- ## MARTHA: Yes, then by the time they’re asleep, we’ll be dressed for the funeral. --- Abby, I’ve never even seen Mr. Hoskins. --- ## ABBY: Oh, my goodness, that’s right—you were out. --- Well, you just come right over and see him now. --- He’s really very nice looking—considering he’s a Methodist. --- [screaming] --- ## JONATHAN: We’re bringing—the luggage through here. --- ## ABBY: Jonathan, your room’s waiting for you. --- You can go right up. --- ## JONATHAN: I’m afraid we don’t keep Brooklyn hours—but you two run along to bed. --- ## ABBY: Now, you must be very tired both of you—and we don’t go to bed this early. --- ## JONATHAN: Well, you should. --- It’s time I came home to take care of you. --- ## MARTHA: We weren’t planning to go until— --- ## JONATHAN: Aunt Martha, did you hear me say go to bed! --- The instruments can go to the laboratory in the morning. --- Now, then, we’re all going to bed. --- ## ABBY: I’ll wait till you’re up, then turn out the lights. --- ## JONATHAN: Another flight, Doctor. --- Run along, Aunt Martha. --- All right, Aunt Abby. --- ## ABBY: I’ll be right up. --- ## JONATHAN: Now, Aunt Abby. --- Turn out the lights! --- [underscore, sneaky jazz] --- [grunting] --- [crashing sound] --- [underscore, sneaky jazz] --- [crashing sound] --- ## EINSTEIN: All right, Chonny. --- ## JONATHAN: I’ll get the window open. --- You go around and hand him through. --- ## EINSTEIN: No, he’s too heavy for me. --- You go outside and push—I stay here and pull. --- Then together we get him down to Panama. --- ## JONATHAN: All right. I’ll take a look around outside our home. --- When I tap on the glass, you open the window. --- ## EINSTEIN: All right. --- We left dis open? --- Dummkopf! --- Chonny? OK. --- Allez Oop. --- [grunting] --- Wait—wait a minute. --- You lost a leg somewhere—Ach—now I got him. --- Come on—ugh—That was me, Chonny. --- I schlepped. --- ## JONATHAN: Be more careful. --- ## EINSTEIN: Well, his foot came off. --- All right, Chonny. --- I got him! --- [doorbell chime] --- Chonny! Somebody at the door. --- Go quick. --- No, I manage here—go quick! --- [grunting] --- [door creaking] --- ## ELAINE: Miss Abby! Miss Martha! Miss Abby! Miss Martha! --- [door slam] --- Uhhh! Who is it? --- Is that you, Teddy? --- Who are you? --- ## JONATHAN: Who are you? --- ## ELAINE: I’m Elaine Harper—I live next door! --- ## JONATHAN: Then what are you doing here? --- ## ELAINE: I came over to see Miss Abby and Miss Martha. --- ## JONATHAN: Turn on the lights, Doctor. --- [loud scream] --- You chose rather an untimely moment for a social call. --- ## ELAINE: I think you'd better explain what you're doing here. --- ## JONATHAN: We happen to live here. --- ## ELAINE: You don't live here. --- I’m in this house every day and I’ve never seen you before. --- Where are Miss Abby and Miss Martha? --- What have you done to them? --- ## JONATHAN: Perhaps we’d better introduce ourselves. --- This is Dr. Einstein. --- ## ELAINE: Dr. Einstein? --- ## JONATHAN: A surgeon of great distinction—–and something of a magician. --- ## ELAINE: And I suppose you’re going to tell me you’re both Boris Kar-- --- ## JONATHAN: I’m Jonathan Brewster. --- ## ELAINE: Oh—you’re Jonathan! --- ## JONATHAN: I see you’ve heard of me. --- ## ELAINE: Yes – just this afternoon for the first time. --- ## JONATHAN: And what did they say about me? --- ## ELAINE: Only that there was another brother named Jonathan—that’s all that was said. --- Well, that explains everything. --- Now that I know who you are—I’ll be running along back home. --- [yelling] --- ## JONATHAN: “That explains everything”? --- Just what did you mean by that? --- Why did you come here at this time of night? --- ## ELAINE: I thought I saw someone prowling around the house. I suppose it was you. --- ## JONATHAN: You thought you saw someone prowling around the house? --- ## ELAINE: Yes—weren’t you outside? Isn’t that your car? --- ## JONATHAN: You saw someone at the car? --- ## ELAINE: Yes. --- ## JONATHAN: What else did you see? --- ## ELAINE: Just someone walking around the house to the car. --- ## JONATHAN: What else did you see? --- ## ELAINE: Just that—that’s all. --- That’s why I came over here. I wanted to tell Miss Abby to call the police. --- But, if it was you, and that’s your car, I don’t need to bother Miss Abby. --- I’ll be running along. --- ## JONATHAN: What was the man doing at the car? --- ## ELAINE: I don’t know. You see I was on my way over here. --- ## JONATHAN: I think she’s lying. --- Breaking into a house this time of night. --- I think she’s dangerous. --- She shouldn’t be allowed around loose. --- ## ELAINE: Take your hands off me— --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor— --- ## TEDDY: It’s going to be a private funeral. --- ## ELAINE: Teddy! Teddy! Tell these men who I am. --- ## TEDDY: That’s my daughter—Alice. --- ## ELAINE: No! No! Teddy! --- ## TEDDY: CHARGE! --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor! Your handkerchief! The cellar! --- [screaming] --- ## ABBY: What’s the matter? --- ## MARTHA: What’s happening down there? --- ## ABBY: What’s the matter? What are you doing? --- ## JONATHAN: We caught a burglar—a sneak thief. --- Go back to your room. --- ## ABBY: We’ll call the police. --- ## JONATHAN: We’ve called the police. --- We’ll handle this. --- Go back to your room. --- Do you hear me? --- [yelling, screaming] --- ## ELAINE: Mortimer! Where have you been? --- ## MORTIMER: To the Nora Bayes Theatre and I should have known better. --- My God!—I’m still there. --- ## ABBY: This is your brother Jonathan—and this is Dr. Einstein. --- ## MORTIMER: I know this isn’t a nightmare, but what is it? --- ## JONATHAN: I’ve come back home, Mortimer. --- ## MORTIMER: Who did you say this was? --- ## ABBY: It’s your brother, Jonathan. --- He’s had his face changed. Dr. Einstein performed the operation. --- ## MORTIMER: Jonathan! Jonathan, you always were a horror, but do you have to look like one? --- ## EINSTEIN: Easy Chonny! Easy. --- ## JONATHAN: Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used to do to you when we were boys? --- Remember the time you were tied to the bedpost—the needles under your fingernails--? --- ## MORTIMER: By God, it is Jonathan—Yes, I remember. --- I remember you as the most detestable, vicious, venomous form of animal life I ever knew. --- ## ABBY: Now don’t you two boys start quarrelling again the minute you’ve seen each other. --- ## MORTIMER: There won’t be any fight, Aunt Abby. --- Jonathan, you’re not wanted here—get out! --- ## JONATHAN: Dr. Einstein and I have been invited to stay. --- ## MORTIMER: Not in this house. --- ## ABBY: Just for tonight. --- ## MORTIMER: I don’t want him anywhere near me. --- ## ABBY: But we did invite them for the tonight, and it wouldn’t be very mice to go back on our word. --- ## MORTIMER: All right, tonight. --- But the first thing in the morning—out! I’m sleeping in that room. --- I’m here to stay. --- ## MARTHA: Oh, Mortimer. I’m so glad. --- ## EINSTEIN: Chonny, we sleep down here. --- ## MORTIMER: You bet your life you sleep down here. --- ## EINSTEIN: You sleep on the sofa and I sleep on the window seat. --- ## MORTIMER: The window seat! Oh, well, let’s not argue about it. --- The window seat’s good enough for me tonight. I’ll sleep on the window seat. --- ## EINSTEIN: You know, Chonny—all this argument—it makes me think of Mr. Spenalzo. --- ## JONATHAN: Spenalzo! --- Well, now, Mortimer—It really isn’t necessary to inconvenience you like this. --- We'll sleep down here. --- ## MORTIMER: Jonathan, your sudden consideration for me is very unconvincing. --- ## EINSTEIN: Come along, Chonny. We get our things out of the room, eh? --- ## MORTIMER: Don’t bother, Doctor! --- ## JONATHAN: By the way, Doctor, I’ve completely lost track of Mr. Spenalzo. --- ## MORTIMER: Who’s this Mr. Spenalzo? --- ## EINSTEIN: Just a friend of ours Chonny’s been looking for. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, don’t bring anyone else in here! --- ## EINSTEIN: It’s all right, Chonny. --- While we pack I tell you all about it. --- ## ABBY: Mortimer, you don’t have to sleep down here, I can go in with Martha and you can take my room. --- ## JONATHAN: No trouble at all, Aunt Abby. --- We’ll be packed in a few minutes. --- And then you can have the room, Mortimer. --- ## MORTIMER: You’re wasting your time—I told you I’m sleeping down here. --- ## ELAINE: Mortimer! --- ## MORTIMER: What’s the matter with you, dear? --- ## ELAINE: I’ve almost been killed. --- ## MORTIMER: You’ve almost been—Abby! Martha! --- ## MARTHA: No! It was Jonathan. --- ## ABBY: He mistook her for a sneak-thief. --- ## ELAINE: NO, it was more than that. He’s some kind of maniac. --- Mortimer, I’m afraid of him. --- ## MORTIMER: Why, darling, you’re trembling. Have you got any smelling salts? --- ## MARTHA: No, but do you think some hot tea, or coffee--? --- ## MORTIMER: Coffee. Make some for me, too—and some sandwiches. --- I haven’t had any dinner. --- ## MARTHA: We’ll make something for both of you. --- ## ABBY: Martha, we can leave our hats downstairs here, now. --- ## MORTIMER: You weren’t going out somewhere, were you? --- Do you know what time it is? It’s after twelve. --- TWELVE! Elaine, you’ve got to go home! --- ## ELAINE: Whaa—t? --- ## ABBY: Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won’t take a minute. --- ## MARTHA: Why, don’t you remember—we wanted to celebrate your engagement? --- That’s what we’ll do dear. --- We’ll make a nice supper for both of you. --- And we’ll open a bottle of wine! --- ## MORTIMER: All right. --- No WINE! --- ## ELAINE: Mortimer? What’s going on in this house? --- ## MORTIMER: What do you mean—what’s going on in this house? --- ## ELAINE: You were supposed to take me to dinner and the theatre tonight—you called it off. --- You asked me to marry you—I said I would—and five minutes later you threw me out of the house. --- Tonight, just after your brother tries to strangle me, you want to chase me home. --- Now listen, Mr. Brewster—before I go home, I want to know where I stand. --- Do you love me? --- ## MORTIMER: I love you very much, Elaine. --- In fact I love you so much I can’t marry you. --- ## ELAINE: Have you suddenly gone crazy? --- ## MORTIMER: I don’t think so but it’s just a matter of time. --- You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. --- That’s why I can’t marry you dear. --- ## ELAINE: Now wait a minute, you’ve got to do better than that. --- ## MORTIMER: No, dear—there’s a strange taint in the Brewster blood. --- If you really knew my family it’s—well—it’s what you’d expect if Strindberg had written. --- ## ELAINE: Now just because Teddy is a little— --- ## MORTIMER: No, it goes way back. --- The first Brewster—the one who came over on the Mayflower. --- You know in those days the Indians used to scalp the settlers—he used to scalp the Indians. --- ## ELAINE: Mortimer, that’s ancient history. --- ## MORTIMER: No, the whole family… Take my grandfather—he tried his patent medicines out on dead people to be sure he wouldn’t kill them. --- ## ELAINE: He wasn’t so crazy. He made a million dollars. --- ## MORTIMER: And then there’s Jonathan. You just said he was a maniac—he tried to kill you. --- ## ELAINE: But he’s your brother, not you. I’m in love with you. --- ## MORTIMER: And there’s Teddy, too. --- You know Teddy. He thinks he’s Roosevelt. --- No, dear, no Brewster should marry. --- I realize now that if I’d met my father in time I’d have stopped him. --- ## ELAINE: Now, darling, all this doesn’t prove you’re crazy. --- Look at your aunts—they’re Brewster’s, aren’t they? —and the sanest, sweetest people I’ve ever known. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, even they have their peculiarities. --- ## ELAINE: Yes, but what lovely peculiarities!—Kindness, generosity—human sympathy— --- ## MORTIMER: There’s another one! --- ## ELAINE: Oh, Mortimer, there are plenty of others. --- You can’t tell me anything about your aunts. --- ## MORTIMER: I’m not going to. Look, Elaine, you’ve got to go home. --- Something very important has come up. --- ## ELAINE: Up, from where? We’re here alone together. --- ## MORTIMER: I know I’m acting irrationally, but just put it down up to the fact that I’m a mad Brewster. --- ## ELAINE: If you think you’re going to get out of this by pretending you’re insane—you’re crazy. --- Maybe you’re not going to marry me, but I’m going to marry you. --- I love you, you dope. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, if you love me, will you get the hell out of here! --- ## ELAINE: Well, at least take me home, won’t you? I’m afraid. --- ## MORTIMER: Afraid! A little walk through the cemetery? --- ## ELAINE: Mortimer, will you kiss me good night? --- ## MORTIMER: Of course, dear. --- Good night, dear. I’ll call you in a day or two. --- ## ELAINE: You—you critic! --- ## MORTIMER: Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Come here! --- ## ABBY: We’ll be in in a minute, dear. --- ## MORTIMER: Come in here now! --- ## ABBY: Yes, dear, what is it? --- Where’s Elaine? --- ## MORTIMER: I thought you promised me not to let anyone in the house while I was gone! --- ## ABBY: Well, Jonathan just walked in— --- ## MORTIMER: I don’t mean Jonathan— --- ## ABBY: And Dr. Einstein was with him— --- ## MORTIMER: I don’t mean Dr. Einstein. --- Who’s that in the window seat? --- ## ABBY: We told you—Mr. Hoskins. --- ## MORTIMER: It is not Mr. Hoskins. --- ## ABBY: Who can it be? --- ## MORTIMER: Are you trying to tell me you’ve never seen this man before? --- ## ABBY: I certainly am. --- Why, this is a fine how do you do! It’s getting so anybody thinks he can walk into this house. --- ## MORTIMER: Now Aunt Abby, don’t you try to get out of this. That’s another one of your gentlemen. --- ## ABBY: Mortimer, how can you say such a thing! That man’s an imposter! --- And if he came here to be buried in our cellar he’s mistaken. --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, Aunt Abby, you admitted to me that you put Mr. Joskins in the window seat. --- ## ABBY: Yes, I did. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, this man couldn’t have just go the idea from Mr. Hoskins. --- By the way—where is Mr. Hoskins? --- ## ABBY: He must have gone to Panama. --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, you buried him? --- ## ABBY: No, not yet. --- He’s just down there waiting for services, poor dear. --- We haven’t had a minute what with Jonathan in the house. --- Oh, dear. --- We’ve always wanted to hold a double funeral. --- But I will not read services over a total stranger. --- ## MORTIMER: A stranger! Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? --- There are twelve men in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them. --- ## ABBY: Yes, I did. --- But you don’t think I’d stoop to telling a fib. Martha! --- ## JONATHAN: Oh, Mortimer—I’d like to have a word with you. --- ## MORTIMER: A word’s about all you’ll have time for, Jonathan, because I’ve decided you and your Doctor friend are going to have to get out of this house just as quickly as possible. --- ## JONATHAN: I’m glad you recognize the fact that you and I can’t live under the same roof—but you’re arrived at the wrong solution. --- Take your suitcase and get out! --- ## MORTIMER: Jonathan!—You’re beginning to bore me. --- You’ve played your one night stand in Brooklyn—move on! --- ## JONATHAN: Mortimer, just because you’ve graduated from the back fence to the typewriter, don’t think you’ve grown up. --- I’m staying, and you’re leaving—and I mean now! --- ## MORTIMER: If you think I can be frightened—if you think there’s anything I fear— --- ## JONATHAN: I’ve lived a strange life, but, it’s taught me one thing—to be afraid of nothing! --- ## ABBY: Martha, just look and see what’s in that window seat. --- ## MORTIMER: Jonathan, let Aunt Martha see what’s in the window seat. --- Aunt Abby, I owe you an apology. --- I have very good news for you. --- Jonathan is leaving. --- He’s taking Dr. Einstein and their cold companion with him. --- Jonathan, you’re my brother, you’re a Brewster. --- I’m going to give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you—you can’t ask for more than that. --- Very well,-- in that case I’ll have to call the police. --- ## JONATHAN: Don’t reach for that telephone. --- Are you still giving me orders after seeing what’s happened to Mr. Spenalzo? --- ## MARTHA: Spenalzo? --- ## ABBY: I knew he was a foreigner. --- ## JONATHAN: Remember what happened to Mr. Spenalzo can happen to you too. --- [doorbell chime] --- ## O'HARA: Hello, Miss Abby. --- ## ABBY: Oh, Officer O’Hara. Is there something we can do for you? --- ## O'HARA: I saw your lights on and thought there might be sickness in the house. --- Oh, you got company—I’m sorry I disturbed you. --- ## MORTIMER: No, no, come in. --- ## ABBY: Yes, come in. --- ## MARTHA: Come right in, Officer, O’Hara. --- This our nephew, Mortimer. --- ## O'HARA: Pleased to meet you. --- ## ABBY: And this is another nephew, Jonathan. --- ## O'HARA: Pleased to make your acquaintance. --- Well, it must be nice havin’ your nephews visitin’ you. --- Are they going to stay with you for a bit? --- ## MORTIMER: I’m staying. My brother Jonathan is just leaving. --- ## O'HARA: I’ve met you before, haven’t I? --- ## ABBY: I’m afraid not. --- Jonathan hasn’t been home for years. --- ## O'HARA: Your face looks familiar to me. --- Maybe I seen a picture of you somewhere. --- ## JONATHAN: I don’t think so. --- ## MORTIMER: Yes, Jonathan. I’d hurry up if I were you. --- Your things are all packed anyway, aren’t they? --- ## O'HARA: Well, you’ll be wanting to say your goodbyes. --- I’ll be running along. --- ## MORTIMER: What’s the rush? --- I’d like to have you stick around until my brother goes. --- ## O'HARA: I just dropped in to make sure everything was alright. --- ## MORTIMER: We’re going to have some coffee in a minute. Won’t you join us? --- ## ABBY: Oh, I forgot the coffee. --- ## MARTHA: Well, I’d better make some more sandwiches. --- I ought to know your appetite by this time, Officer O’Hara. --- ## O’HARA: Don’t bother. --- I’m due to ring in in a few minutes. --- ## MORTIMER: You can have a cup of coffee with us. --- My brother will be gone soon. Sit down. --- ## O'HARA: Say—ain’t I seen a photograph of your brother around here some place? --- ## MORTIMER: I don’t think so. --- ## O'HARA: He certainly reminds me of somebody. --- ## MORTIMER: He looks like somebody you’ve probably seen in the movies. --- ## O'HARA: I never go to the movies. I hate ‘em! --- My mother says the movies is a bastard art. --- ## MORTIMER: Yes, it’s full of them. —Your, er, mother said that? --- ## O'HARA: Yeah. My mother was an actress—a stage actress. --- Perhaps you heard of her—Peaches Latour. --- ## MORTIMER: It sounds like a name I’ve seen on a program. What did she play? --- ## O'HARA: Well, her big hit was Mutt and Jeff. Played it for three years. --- I was born on tour—the third season. --- ## MORTIMER: You were? --- ## O'HARA: Yep. Sioux City, Iowa. --- I was born in the dressing room at the end of the second act, and Mother made the finale. --- ## MORTIMER: What a trouper! There must have been a good story in your mother—you know, I write about the theatre. --- ## O'HARA: You do? --- Saay!—you’re not Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? --- ## MORTIMER: Yes. --- ## O'HARA: Well, I certainly am glad to meet you. --- Say, Mr. Brewster—we’re in the same line of business. --- ## MORTIMER: We are? --- ## O'HARA: Yeah. I’m a playwright. --- Oh, this being on the police force is just temporary. --- ## MORTIMER: How long have you been on the force? --- ## O'HARA: Twelve years. --- I’m collecting material for a play. --- ## MORTIMER: I’ll bet it’s a honey. --- ## O'HARA: Well, it ought to be. --- With all the drama I see being a cop, Mr. Brewster—you got no idea what goes on in Brooklyn. --- ## MORTIMER: I think I have. --- ## O’HARA: Say, what time you got. --- ## MORTIMER: Ten after one. --- ## O'HARA: Gee, I gotta ring in. --- ## MORTIMER: Wait a minute, O’Hara. --- On that play of yours—I may be able to help you. --- ## O’HARA: You would! Say, it was fate my walking in here tonight. --- Look—I’ll tell you the plot! --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, you’re on your way, eh? --- Good! You haven’t got much time, you know. --- ## ABBY: Well, everything’s just about ready. --- Oh, you leaving now, Jonathan? --- Goodbye. --- Goodbye, Dr. Einstein. --- Oh, doesn’t this case belong to you? --- ## MORTIMER: Yes, Jonathan—you can’t go without all of your things. --- Well, O’Hara, it was nice meeting you. --- I’ll see you again and we’ll talk about your play. --- ## O'HARA: Oh, I’m not leaving now, Mr. Brewster. --- ## MORTIMER: Why not? --- ## O'HARA: Well, you just offered to help me with my play, didn’t you? --- You and me are going to write my play together. --- ## MORTIMER: I can’t do that, O’Hara—I’m not a creative writer. --- ## O’HARA: I’ll do the creating. --- You just put the words to it. --- ## MORTIMER: But, O’Hara— --- ## O'HARA: No, sir, Mr. Brewster. I ain’t leaving this house till I tell you the plot. --- ## JONATHAN: In that case, Mortimer…we’ll be running along. --- ## MORTIMER: Don’t try that. You can’t go yet. --- You’ve got to take everything with you, you know. --- Look, O'Hara, you run along now, eh. --- My brother’s just going— --- ## O'HARA: I can’t wait. I’ve been waiting twelve years. --- ## MARTHA: I’m sorry I was so long. --- ## MORTIMER: Don’t bring that in here. --- O’Hara, would you join us for a bite in the kitchen? --- ## MARTHA: The kitchen? --- ## ABBY: Jonathan’s leaving. --- ## MARTHA: Oh. Well, that’s nice. --- Come along, Office O’Hara. --- ## ABBY: Sure you don’t mind eating in the kitchen, Mr. O’Hara? --- ## O'HARA: And where else would you eat? --- ## ABBY: Goodbye, Jonathan, nice to see you again. --- ## MORTIMER: I’m glad you came back to Brooklyn, Jonathan, because it gives me a chance to throw you out—and the first one out is your boy friend, Mr. Spenalzo. --- ## O'HARA: Look, Mr. Brewster, we can talk in here. --- ## MORTIMER: Coming right out. --- ## JONATHAN: I might have known you’d grow up to write a play with a policeman. --- ## MORTIMER: Get going now—all three of you. --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor, this affair between my brother and me has got to be settled. --- ## EINSTEIN: Now, Chonny, we got trouble enough. --- Your brother gives us a chance to get away—what more could you ask? --- ## JONATHAN: You don’t understand. --- This goes back a good many years. --- ## EINSTEIN: Now, Chonny let’s get going. --- ## JONATHAN: We’re not going. We’re going to sleep right here tonight. --- ## EINSTEIN: With a cop in the kitchen and Mr. Spenalzo in the window seat. --- ## JONATHAN: That’s all he’s got on us. --- We’ll take Mr. Spenalzo down and dump him in the bay and come right back here. --- —Then if he tries to interfere— --- ## EINSTEIN: Now, Chonny. --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor, you know when I make up my mind— --- ## EINSTEIN: Yeah—when you make up your mind, you lose your head. --- Brooklyn ain’t a good place for you. --- ## JONATHAN: Doctor? --- ## EINSTEIN: OK. We got to stick together. --- Some day we get stuck together. --- If we’re coming back here do we got to take these with us? --- ## JONATHAN: No. Leave them here. --- Hide them in the cellar. --- Move fast! Spenalzo can go out the same way he came in! --- ## EINSTEIN: Hey, Chonny, come quick! --- ## JONATHAN: What’s the matter? --- ## EINSTEIN: You know that hole in the cellar? --- ## JONATHAN: Yes. --- ## EINSTEIN: We got an ace in the hole. --- Come on I show you. --- ## MORTIMER: Jonathan! --- Jonathan! --- Jonathan! --- ## JONATHAN: Yes, Mortimer. --- ## MORTIMER: Where have you two been? --- I thought I told you to get— --- ## JONATHAN: We’re not going. --- ## MORTIMER: Oh, you’re not? --- You think I’m not serious about this, eh? --- Do you want O’Hara to know what’s in that window seat? --- ## JONATHAN: We’re staying here. --- ## MORTIMER: All right! You asked for it. --- This gets me rid of you and Officer O’Hara at the same time. --- Officer O’Hara, come in here! --- ## JONATHAN: If you tell O’Hara what’s in the window seat, I’ll tell him what’s down in the cellar. --- ## MORTIMER: The cellar? --- ## JONATHAN: There’s an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. --- ## MORTIMER: What were you doing down in the cellar? --- ## EINSTEIN: What’s *he* doing down in the cellar? --- ## O'HARA: No, thanks, ma’am. They were fine. I’ve had plenty. --- ## JONATHAN: Now what are you going to say to O’Hara? --- ## O’HARA: Say, Mr. Brewster, your aunts want to hear it, too. --- Shall I get them in here? --- ## MORTIMER: No, O’Hara, you can’t do that now. --- You’ve got to ring in. --- ## O'HARA: The hell with ringing in. --- I’ll get your aunts in here and tell you the plot. --- ## MORTIMER: No, O’Hara, not in front of all these people. --- We’ll get together alone, some place later. --- ## O'HARA: How about the back room at Kelly’s? --- ## MORTIMER: Fine! You go ring in, and I’ll meet you at Kelly’s. --- ## JONATHAN: Why don’t you two go down in the cellar? --- ## O'HARA: That’s all right with me. Is this the cellar? --- ## MORTIMER: Nooo! We’ll go to Kelly’s. --- But you’re going to ring in on the way. --- ## O'HARA: All right, that’ll only take a couple of minutes. --- ## MORTIMER: I’ll ditch this guy and be back in five minutes. --- I’ll expect to find you gone. --- Wait for me. --- ## JONATHAN: We’ll wait for him, Doctor, I’ve waited a great many years for chance like this. --- ## EINSTEIN: We got him right where we want him. --- Did he look guilty! --- ## JONATHAN: Take the bags back up to our room, Doctor. --- ## ABBY: Have they gone? --- Oh—we thought we heard somebody leave. --- ## JONATHAN: Just Mortimer, and he’ll be back in a few minutes. --- Is there any food left in the kitchen? --- I think Dr. Einstein and I would enjoy a bite. --- ## MARTHA: But you won’t have time. --- ## ABBY: No, if you’re still here when Mortimer gets back he won’t like it. --- ## EINSTEIN: He’ll like it. --- He’s gotta like it. --- ## JONATHAN: Get something for us to eat while we bury Mr. Spenalzo in the cellar. --- ## MARTHA: Oh no! --- ## ABBY: He can’t stay in our cellar. --- No, Jonathan, you’ve got to take him with you. --- ## JONATHAN: There’s a friend of Mortimer’s downstairs waiting for him. --- ## ABBY: A friend of Mortimer’s? --- ## JONATHAN: He and Mr. Spenalzo will get along fine together. --- They’re both dead. --- ## MARTHA: They must mean Mr. Hoskins. --- ## EINSTEIN: Mr. Hoskins? --- ## JONATHAN: You know about what’s downstairs? --- ## ABBY: Of course we do, and he’s no friend of Mortimer’s. --- He’s one of our gentlemen. --- ## EINSTEIN: You’re chentleman? --- ## MARTHA: And we don’t have any strangers buried in our cellar. --- ## JONATHAN: But Mr. Hoskins— --- ## MARTHA: Mr. Hoskins isn’t a stranger. --- ## ABBY: Besides, there’s no room for Mr. Spenalzo. --- The cellar’s crowded already. --- ## JONATHAN: Crowded? With what? --- ## ABBY: There are twelve graves down there now. --- ## JONATHAN: Twelve graves! --- ## ABBY: That leaves verry little room and we’re going to need it. --- ## JONATHAN: You mean you and Aunt Martha have murdered-- ? --- ## ABBY: Murdered! Certainly not. --- It’s one of our charities. --- ## MARTHA: Why what we’ve been doing is a mercy. --- ## ABBY: So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo out of here. --- ## JONATHAN: You’ve done that—here in this house—and you’ve buried them down there! --- ## EINSTEIN: Chonny—we’ve been chased all over this world—they stay right here in Brooklyn and do just as good as you do. --- ## JONATHAN: What? --- ## EINSTEIN: You’ve got twelve and they’ve got twelve. --- ## JONATHAN: I’ve got thirteen. --- ## EINSTEIN: No, Chonny, twelve. --- ## JONATHAN: Thirteen! There’s Mr. Spenalzo. --- Then the first on in London—two in Johannesburg—one in Sydney—one in Melbourne—two in San Francisco—one in Phoenix, Arizona— --- ## EINSTEIN: Phoenix? --- ## JONATHAN: The filling station. --- The three in Chicago and the one in South Bend. --- That makes thirteen! --- ## EINSTEIN: But you can’t count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia. --- ## JONATHAN: He wouldn’t have got pneumonia if I hadn’t shot him. --- ## EINSTEIN: No, Chonny, he died of pneumonia. He doesn’t count. --- ## JONATHAN: He counts with me. I say thirteen. --- ## EINSTEIN: No, Chonny. You got twelve and they got twelve. --- The old ladies are just as good as you are. --- ## JONATHAN: Oh, they are, are they? --- Well, that’s easily taken care of. --- All I need is one more, that’s all—just one more. --- ## MORTIMER: Well, here I am! --- [music - jazz]

Syntax	Example	Reference
# Header	Header	基本排版
- Unordered List	Unordered List
1. Ordered List	Ordered List
- [ ] Todo List	Todo List
> Blockquote	Blockquote
Bold font	Bold font
Italics font	Italics font
~~Strikethrough~~	~~Strikethrough~~
19^th^	19^th
H~2~O	H₂O
++Inserted text++	Inserted text
==Marked text==	Marked text
[link text](https:// "title")	Link
![image alt](https:// "title")	Image
`Code`	`Code`	在筆記中貼入程式碼
```javascript var i = 0; ```	`var i = 0;`
:smile:		Emoji list
{%youtube youtube_id %}	Externals
$L^aT_eX$	L^aT_eX
:::info This is a alert area. :::	This is a alert area.