# Having Lunch with Alex I: Alex Had Pasta and I Had a Salad, We Talked About Lesbians Falling In Love. <iframe width="700" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hD9rzo6g5JU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> ---- Alex had pasta, again: I guess it is hard to figure out what to eat now that she is lactose-intolerant, or claims to be. Honestly, until I see the tests I can't tell if it is actually happening, although I guess we need to trust her doctor. She says she is not eating pasta because she cannot eat lactose: this is only the leftovers from the weekend. Alex prefers to be referred as she/her or they/them. Right after we sit down to eat at the big table on the third floor, Alex tells me she is super happy her partner is coming back soon from the work trip. She has been away for a while. Then she makes a joke about how she seems to have settled down. I ask instantly: **"What do you think about this stereotype of the lesbian that looks for a partner, meets one she likes, falls in love fast and settles for a long time? Do you think this is true? and if yes, why?"** A stereotype? Definitely. Then again, stereotypes have some type of truth in them. The issue I have with stereotypes lays on how they manage to homogenise a group. Alex tells me she thinks a lot about this. At first glance, she believes it is a consequence of a combination of things: it seems too reductionist for her if we see it as a consequence of one reason only. She is is right. Firstly, our heteronormative traditions come to mind - *Ohh Normality, how we missed you - we meet again*: It is expected for anyone who has been educated inside an heteronormative society to aim at holding long term relationships, and in a more normative way to have a monogamist long-term relationship. These conditions are a sign of success: it seems if we choose these types of relationships our peers will approve: we are the good children in the weirdos' group. We both agree monogamy as well as the long-term element in relationships (more in the sense of Eternal Love) are elements that Heteronormativity teaches us. The lessons are everywhere: think of the TV shows you watch, the books you read, the ads you consume, the friends you have. Our bodies are not capable of heroic feats. Instead, they do not withstand the various forms of oppression within which we experience. They adapt to these conditions by becoming submissive or by altering their boundaries in a dynamic way because coercion is subtle, but present at all times—and even the idea of ‘time’ should be capitalised as it is already regulated and fractionated to be understood in certain manner. Long-term, Long, Long, time. Eternal. Love. Success. Today I used a t-shirt to hide my homosexuality to others in a subtle but powerful way. As my clothes are read as holding a distinctive role in the community, the way we design our relationships are related to our conception of ​​Freedom and define us in other people's eyes. A Long-term relationship tells a lot. "Lesbians have less chances to experience spontaneous sex encounters" - is this enough to explain the stereotype of the lesbian who wants to settle down for eternal love? Alex mentioned that once she read an article explaining the way the Lesbian community defines their relationships is a consequence of particular hormones combinations in their bodies. We both agreed this is not only reductionist, but also dangerous. Why do I have a Long-term relationship? Habit I guess? or maybe I also need external approval. "Cis male gays have it easier" - Alex always mentions this when we discuss getting laid. Yes: there is a part of the community that holds relationships with multiple partners, do not believe in long-term agreements and has a different idea of what a partnership is: isn't this "liberating"? Isn't this one of the many ways to escape from the heteronormative rule? Should we fight the institutionalisation of long-term relationships through marriage in the same way we are fighting the ways Medicine institutionalises our reproductive systems? Power has infiltrated the body of the winners, but those unable to win have shown that desire was not enough. They shaped the power in their bodies into a quasi-erotic dialectic. What happens to the significance of desire, lack of recognition, and dignity? Perhaps desire only allows dominant categories of being, but these categories are so oppressive that they become a sort of golden cage. Alex is happy to see her partner on Saturday and I am happy to see mine tonight. Over dinner. A Long dinner. Long.