# Premptive Relationship Gardening
The fourth step in [Exploring Intentional Collaborations](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/IntentionalCollaborations1), builds on an initial alignment of our intentions by starting the ongoing 'gardening' work of cultivating specific practives for relating with each other in ongoing collaborations, including the ways in which we might better navigate conflict together.

## What is Relationship Gardening?
'Relationship gardening' involves preemptive and ongoing practices that cultivate sustainable ways of co-creating how we relate to each other. When developing intentional relationship gardening practices, it can help to acknowledge that how we relate to others can both reflect and contribute to how (we expect) others to relate to us. Our expectations about appropriate ways of relating to others also reflect both our immediate contexts (the shared attitudes and practices for relating with each other in our families, organizations, etc.,) as well as broader societal-level contexts (the dominant social norms and cultural expectations that structure our default interactions).

In either case, we don't have to accept the dominant default norms. Instead, we can actively focus our attention on practicing, learning, and consciously iterating towards the ways we want to relate with others (and, through that, towards the broader cultural changes we hope to see in the world).

Paying attention to the ways we relate with others can open-up space for a range of relationship gardening practices. While agreeing on specific set of practices may be beyond the scope of this initial discussion, it is worth exploring the possibilities available.

To support this exploration, the following prompts offer one way to structure a discussion about meta-communication practices to help explore the degree to which we want to incorporate structured 'relationship gardening' into our collaboration.

## Sharing Communication Preferences
Take a moment to relect on how you tend to communicate your experiences to others in the context of collaborations. Begin by journaling any thoughts the following sentence-starters prompt, and brainstorm from there:

- I express curiosity/interest/appreciation by....
- The ways I request support are...
- When someone shares that they are experiencing difficulty with a task, I try to respond by...
- How I like to invite others to name what they are noticing is...
- The contexts I am comfortable providing critique of others work are...
- When I feel misunderstood I...
- If I feel hurt by someone I...
- If I am feeling stressed within a project I...
- When I don't hear from someone for longer than usual I....

Then, take a moment to reflect on how you want others to communicate with you in the context of collaborations. Begin by journaling any thoughts the following sentence-starters prompt, and brainstorm from there:

- The ways I expect others to express curiosity/interest/appreciation is by...
- The ways I like to receive support requests are...
- When I share that I am experiencing difficulty with a task, I want others to...
- The ways I like to be invited to name what I am noticing are...
- The ways I like to receive critique of my work are...
- If others feel misunderstood, I hope they will...
- If someone feels hurt by my actions I would like them to...
- If someone else is feeling stressed within our project, I hope they will..
- When others don't hear from me for longer than usual, I hope they will....

Returning to the group, each take turns to share your responses to each set of prompts - remembering to listen and appreciate that everyone's preferences reflect their unique contexts.

Example of three different responses to the first set of prompts 

Example of three different responses to the second set of prompts 

## Navigating Differing Expectations
Take a moment to reflect on the communication preferences everyone has shared. Then, if everyone feels safe to do so, take turns to respond to each of the following prompts:
- Are there any preference your collaboraters have shared that resonate with you?
- Are there any preferences your collaboraters have shared that you feel are in tension with your own?
- Are there any preferences not already shared that you would like to share now

Once everyone has shared their responses, discuss how you might collectively navigate any tensions between the ways in which different people communicate within your group. Some prompts for such a discussion include:
- Are there any ways of sharing support-requests/constructive-feedback/etc., that will better meet everyones preferences?
- Would it be possible for us each to calibrate how we share support-requests/constructive-feedback/etc., in ways that are tailored to the person receiving them (rather than our own preferences)?

## Consider Potential Structured Communication Tools
Structured commuication tools offer one way to draw attention to the ways in which we are co-creating the cultural characteristics we hope to iterate towards. These practices can also provide a foundation for naming and understanding our shared expectations of participation (including clarifying a shared understandings about cultural contexts, and identifying the content, form, and frequency of communication that each person can reasonably expect from others within a given collaboration).

Following your discussions on collecively navigating differing communication expectations, discuss the degree to which you would consider incorperating structured communication tools or other intentional practices into the collaboration. Some prompts to start discussion include:
- Would you consider setting some shared expectations about [when and how to best initiate check-in on existing agreements and discussions](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/Expectations)?
- Would you consider sharing and reading collaboration-specific [personal interaction guides](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/SkAQJnn6U) to (further) clarify participation expecations?
- Would you consider pre-emptively sharing a more detailed account of communication preference for communicating during moments of conflict, such as those outlined in the [AORTA pre-emptive conflict resolution worksheets](https://github.com/valueflows/valueflows/files/371994/AORTA.Conflict.Resolution.Worksheet.pdf).
- Are there any other [meta-communication tools](https://hackmd.io/@IntentionalRelationships/metacommunication) you would propose for this collaboration?

Note that the goal here is explore the potential that structure communication tools might offer our collaborative practices, not to choose any specific tools (if this is interest, there is space for this within the [Co-creating Shared Futures](/orzWQoy_TsGQRSCHkCNOBw) discussion prompt).

## Next Steps?
The next step in the [Exploring Intentional Collaborations](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/IntentionalCollaborations1) series offers prompts for discussing how you go about [Co-creating Shared Futures](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/shared-futures) through this collaboration.

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###### tags: `intentional collaborations`, `discussion-prompt`,`collaborative-practices`, `intentional-relationships`, `meta-communication`

Date initially created: 2023
Version: 2.0 (2024)
Created for: Intentional Collaborations Project
Attribution: Created, based on collaborations with Bridget Mullins and Susan Basterfield, by [E. T. Smith](https://hackmd.io/@Teq/Bio) on unceded lands of the [Wurundjeri people](https://www.wurundjeri.com.au/).
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