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title: ARSENIC AND OLD LACE pt 2

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title: ARSENIC AND OLD LACE pt 2
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---

[yelling coming from the cellar, crashing sounds]

---

## MARTHA: 
You stop doing that!

---

## ABBY:
This is our house and this is our cellar and you can’t do that.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Ladies! Please!—Go back upstairs where you belong.

---

## JONATHAN:
Abby! Martha! Go upstairs!

---

## MARTHA:
There’s no use your doing what you’re doing because it will just have to be undone.

---

## ABBY:
I tell you we won’t have it and you’d better stop it right now.

---

## MARTHA:
All right! You’ll find out. You’ll find out whose house this is.

---

## ABBY: 
Hasn’t Mortimer come back yet?

---

## MARTHA:
No.

---

## ABBY:
It’s a terrible thing to do—to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.

---

## MARTHA:
I will not have our cellar desecrated!

---

## ABBY:
And we promised Mr. Hoskins a full Christian funeral.

---

Where do you suppose Mortimer went?

---

## MARTHA:
I don’t know, but he must be doing something—because he said to Jonathan, “You just wait, I’ll settle this.”

---

## ABBY:
Well, he can’t very well settle it while he’s out of the house.

---

That’s all we want settled—

---

What’s going on down there?

---

## MORTIMER:
All right. Now, where’s Teddy?

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer, where have you been?

---

## MORTIMER:
I’ve been over to Dr. Gilchrist’s. I’ve got his signature on Teddy’s commitment Papers.

---

## MARTHA:
Mortimer, what is the matter with you?

---

## ABBY:
Running around getting papers signed at a time like this?

---

## MARTHA:
Do you know what Jonathan’s doing?

---

## ABBY:
He’s putting Mr. Hoskins and Mr. Spenalzo in together.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, he is, is he? Well, let him.

---

Is Teddy in his room?

---

## MARTHA:
Teddy won’t be any help.

---

## MORTIMER:
When he signs these commitment papers I can tackle Jonathan.

---

## ABBY:
What have they got to do with it?

---

## MORTIMER:
You had to go and tell Jonathan about those twelve graves.

---

If I can make Teddy responsible for those I can protect you, don’t you see?

---

## ABBY:
No, I don’t see…And we pay taxes to have the police protect us.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’ll be back down in a minute.

---

## ABBY:
Come, Martha. We’re going for the police.

---

## MORTIMER:
All right.

---

No. The police You can’t go for the police.

---

## MARTHA:
Why can’t we?

---

## MORTIMER:
Because if you tell the police about Mr. Spenalzo, they’d find Mr. Hoskins too, and that might make them curious, and they’d find out about the other twelve gentlemen.

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer, we know the police better than you do.

---

I don’t think they’d pry into our private affairs if we asked them not to.

---

## MORTIMER:
But, if they found you’re twelve gentlemen they’d have to report to headquarters.

---

## MARTHA:
I’m not so sure they’d bother.

---

They’d have to make out a very long report—and if there’s one thing a policeman hates to do, it’s to write.

---

## MORTIMER:
You can’t depend on that.

---

It might leak out!—and you couldn’t expect a judge and jury to understand.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, Judge Cullman would.

---

## ABBY:
We know him very well.

---

## MARTHA:
He always comes to church to pray—just before election.

---

## ABBY:
And he’s coming here to tea some day He promised.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, Abby, we must speak to him again about that.

---

His wife died a few years ago and it’s left him very lonely.

---

## ABBY:
Well, come along, Martha.

---

## MORTIMER: 
No! You can’t do this. I won’t let you.

---

You can’t leave this house, and you can’t have Judge Cullman to tea.

---

## ABBY:
Well, if you’re not going to do something about Mr. Spenalzo, we are.

---

## MORTIMER:
I am going to do something.

---

We may have to call the police later, but if we do, I want to be ready for them.

---

## MARTHA:
You’ve got to get Jonathan out if this house!

---

## ABBY:
And Mr. Spenalzo, too!

---

## MORTIMER:
Will you please let me do this my own way?

---

I’ve got to see Teddy.

---

## ABBY:
If they’re not out of here by morning, Mortimer, we’re going to call the police.

---

## MORTIMER:
They’ll be out, I promise you that! Go to bed, will you?

---

And for God’s sake get out of those clothes—you like Judith Anderson.

---

## MARTHA: 
Well, Abby, that’s a relief, isn’t it?

---

## ABBY:
Yes—if Mortimer’s really going to do something at last, it just means Jonathan’s going to a lot of unnecessary trouble.

---

We’d better tell him.

---

Oh, Jonathan—you might as well stop what you’re doing.

---

## JONATHAN:
It’s all done.

---

Did I near Mortimer?

---

## ABBY:
Well, it will just have to be undone.

---

You’re all going to be out of this house by morning. Mortimer’s promised.

---

## JONATHAN:
Oh, are we?

---

In that case, you and Aunt Martha can go to bed and have a pleasant night’s sleep.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes. Come, Abby.

---

## JONATHAN:
Good night, Aunties.

---

## ABBY:
Not good night, Jonathan.

---

Goodbye.

---

By the time we get up you’ll be out of this house.

---

Mortimer’s promised.

---

## MARTHA:
And he has a way of doing it too!

---

## JONATHAN:
Then Mortimer is back?

---

## ABBY:
Oh, yes, he’s up here taking to Teddy.

---

## MARTHA:
Goodbye, Jonathan.

---

## JONATHAN:
Perhaps you’d better say goodbye to Mortimer.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, you’ll see Mortimer.

---

## JONATHAN:
Yes—I’ll see Mortimer.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Whew! That’s all fixed up.

---

Smooth like a lake.

---

Nobody’d ever know they were down there.

---

That bed feels good already.

---

Forty-eight hours we didn’t sleep.

---

Come on, Chonny, let’s go up, yes?

---

## JONATHAN:
You’re forgetting, Doctor.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vat?

---

## JONATHAN:
My brother Mortimer.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny—tonight?

---

We do that tomorrow or the next day.

---

## JONATHAN:
No, tonight. Now! 

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny, please—I’m tired—and tomorrow I got to operate.

---

## JONATHAN:
Yes, you’re operating tomorrow, Doctor.

---

But tonight, we take care of Mortimer.

---

## EINSTEIN:
But, Chonny, not tonight—we go to bed, eh?

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor, look at me.

---

You can see it’s going to be done, can’t you?

---

## EINSTEIN:
Ach, Chonny—I can see. I know dat look! 

---

## JONATHAN:
It’s a little too late for us to dissolve our partnership.

---

## EINSTEIN:
OK, we do it. But the quick way. 

---

The quick twist like in London.

---

## JONATHAN: 
No, Doctor, I think this calls for something special.

---

I think perhaps the Melbourne method.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny—no—not that.

---

Two hours! And when it was all over, what?

---

The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne.

---

## JONATHAN:
We had to work too fast in London.

---

There was no esthetic satisfaction in it—but Melbourne, ah, there was something to remember.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Remember! I vish I didn’t.

---

No, Chonny—not Melbourne—not me!

---

## JONATHAN:
Yes, Doctor, Where are the instruments?

---

## EINSTEIN:
I won’t do it, Chonny. I won’t do it.

---

## JONATHAN:
Get your instruments!

---

## EINSTEIN:
No Chonny!

---

## JONATHAN:
Where are they?

---

Oh, yes—you hid them in the cellar. Where?

---

## EINSTEIN:
I won’t tell you.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’ll find them, Doctor.

---

## MORTIMER:
Don’t do that, Mr. President.

---

## REDDY:
I cannot sign any proclamation without consulting my cabinet.

---

## MORTIMER:
But this must be a secret.

---

## TEDDY:
A secret proclamation? How unusual.

---

## MORTIMER:
Japan mustn’t know until it’s signed.

---

## TEDDY:
Japan! Those devils.

---

I’ll sign it right away. You have my word for it.

---

I can let the cabinet know later.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes, let’s go and sign it,

---

## TEDDY:
You wait here.

---

A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret.

---

## MORTIMER:
But at once, Mr. President.

---

## TEDDY:
I’ll have to put on my signing clothes.

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Ah, you go now, eh?

---

## MORTIMER:
No, Doctor, I’m waiting for something. Something important.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Please—you go now!

---

## MORTIMER:
Dr. Einstein, I have nothing against you personally.

---

You seem like a nice fellow.

---

Take my advice and get out of this house and get just as for away as possible.

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Trouble, yah! You get out.

---

## MORTIMER:
All right, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

---

## EINSTEIN:
I’m warning you—get away quick.

---

## MORTIMER:
Things are going to start popping around here any minute.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Listen—Chonny’s in a bad mood.

---

When he’s like dis, he’s a madman—things happen—terrible things.

---

## MORTIMER:
Jonathan doesn’t worry me now.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Ach, himme!—don’t those plays you see teach you anything?

---

## MORTIMER:
About what?

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vell, at least people in plays act like they got sense—that’s more than you do.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, you think so, do you?

---

You think people in plays act intelligently.

---

I wish you had to sit through some of the ones I have to sit through.

---

Take the little opus I saw tonight for instance.

---

In this play, there’s a man—he’s supposed to be bright. 

---

He knows he’s in a house with murderers—he ought to know he’s in danger—he’s even been warned to get out of the house—but does he go?

---

No, he stays there.

---

Now I ask you, Doctor, is that what an intelligent person would do?

---

## EINSTEIN:
You’re asking me?

---

## MORTIMER:
He didn’t even have sense enough to be frightened, to be on guard.

---

For instance, the murderer invites him to sit down.

---

## EINSTEIN:
You mean—“Won’t you sit down?”

---

## MORTIMER:
Believe it or not, that one was in there too.

---

## EINSTEIN:
And what did he do?

---


## MORTIMER:
He sat down.

---

Now mind you, this fellow’s supposed to be bright. There he sits—just waiting to be trussed up.

---

And what do you think they use to tie him with.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vat?

---

## MORTIMER:
The curtain cord.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vell, why not?

---

A good idea. Very convenient.

---

## MORTIMER:
A little too convenient.

---

When are playwrights going to use some imagination! The curtain cord!

---

## EINSTEIN:
He didn’t see him get it?

---

## MORTIMER:
See him?

---

He sat there with his back to him. That’s the kind of stuff we have to suffer through night after night. 

---

And they say the critics are killing the theatre—it’s the playwrights who are killing the theatre. 

---

So there he sits—the big dope—the fellow who’s supposed to be bright—just waiting to be trussed up and gagged.

---

[yelling, grunting]

---

## EINSTEIN:
You’re right about dat fella—he vasn’t very bright.

---

## JONATHAN:
Now, Mortimer, if you don’t mind—we’ll finish the story.

---

[spooky, evil music]

---

[muffled speaking]

---

Mortimer, I’ve been away for twenty years, but never once in all that time—my dear brother—were you out of my mind.

---

In Melbourne one night, I dreamed of you—when I landed in San Francisco I felt a strange satisfaction—once more I was in the same country with you.

---

Now, Doctor, we go to work!

---

[muffled speaking]

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Please, Chonny, for me, the quick way!

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor! This must really be an artistic achievement.

---

After all, we’re performing before a very distinguished critic.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny!

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor!

---

## EINSTEIN:
All right. Let’s get it over.

---

## JONATHAN: 
All ready for you, Doctor!

---

[muffled yelling]

---

## EINSTEIN:
I gotta have a drink.

---

Ven ve valked in here this afternoon there was wine here—remember?

---

Vere did she put that?

---

[muffled yelling]

---

Look, Chonny, we got a drink.

---

Dat’s all dere is.

---

I split it with you.

---

We both need a drink.

---

[muffled yelling]

---

## JONATHAN: 
One moment, Doctor—please.

---

Where are your manners?

---

Yes, Mortimer, I realize now it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn.

---

To my dear dead brother—

---

[muffled yelling]

---

[excruciatingly loud and long  bugle noise]

---

## EINSTEIN:
Ach Gott!

---

## JONATHAN:
Damn the idiot! He goes next.

---

That’s all—he goes next!

---

## EINSTEIN:
No, Chonny, not Teddy—that’s where I shtop—not Teddy!


---

## JONATHAN: 
We get to Teddy later!

---

## EINSTEIN:
We don’t get to him at all.

---

## JONATHAN:
Now we’ve got to work fast! 

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Yah, the quick way—eh Chonny?

---

## JONATHAN:
Yes, Doctor, the quick way! 

---

## O’HARA: 
Hey! The Colonel’s gotta quit blowing that horn!

---

## JONATHAN:
It’s all right, Officer.

---

We’re taking the bugle away from him.

---

## O'HARA:
There’s going to be hell to play in the morning.

---

We promised the neighbors he wouldn’t do that anymore.

---

## JONATHAN:
It won’t happen again, Officer. Good night.

---

## O'HARA:
I’d better speak to him myself.

---

Where are the lights?

---

Hey! You stood me up.

---

[muffled yelling]

---

I waited an hour at Kelly’s for you.

---

What’s happened to him?

---

## EINSTEIN:
He was explaining the play he saw tonight—that’s what happened to the fella in the play.

---

## O'HARA:
Did they have that in the play you saw tonight?

---

[muffled uh-huh]

---

Gee, they practically stole that from the second act of my play—

---

Why, in my second act, just before the—I’d better begin at the beginning.

---

It opens in my mother’s dressing room, where I was born—only I ain’t born yet—Huh?

---

[muffled speaking]

---

Oh, yeah.

---

No! You’ve got to hear the plot.

---

Well, she’s sitting there making up, see—

---

when all of a sudden through the door—a man with a black mustache walks in.

---

He turns to my mother and says—"Miss Latour, will you marry me?” He doesn’t know she’s pregnant.

---

## O’HARA: 
–there she is lying unconscious across the table in her lingerie-

---

the villian is standing over her with a hatchet——I’m tied up in a chair just like you are—

---

the place is an inferno of flames—it’s on fire—when all of a sudden—through the window—in comes Mayor LaGuardia.

---

Hey, remember who paid for that—go easy on it.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vell, I’m listening, ain’t I?

---

## O’HARA:
How do you like it so far?

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vell, it put Chonny to sleep.

---

## O'HARA:
Let him alone.

---

If he ain’t got no more interest that that—he don’t get a drink.

---

All right, It’s three days later—I been transferred and I’m under charges—that’s because somebody stole my badge. All right.

---

I’m walking my beat on Staten Island—forty sixth precinct—when a guy I’m following, it turns out—is really following me.

---

[doorbell chime]

---

Don’t let anybody in.

---

[muffled yelling]

---

—So I figure I’ll outsmart him.

---

There’s a vacant house on the corner.

---

I goes in.

---

## EINSTEIN:
It’s cops!

---

## O'HARA:
I stand there in the dark and see the door handle turn.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny! It’s cops! Cops! 

---

## O’HARA:
I pulls by guns—braces myself against the wall—and I says—“Come in”- 

---

Hello boys.

---

## BROPHY:
What the hell is going on here?

---

## O'HARA:
Hey, Pat, whaddya know?

---

[muffled yelling]

---

This is Mortimer Brewster! He’s going to write my play with me.

---

I’m just tellin’ him the story.

---

[muffled yelling]

---

## KLEIN:
Did you have to tie him up to make him listen?

---

## BROPHY:
Joe, you better report in at the station.

---

The whole force is out looking for ya.

---

## O'HARA:
Did they send you here for me?

---

## KLEIN:
We didn’t know you was here.

---

## BROPHY:
We came to warn the old ladies that there’s hell to pay.

---

The Colonel blew that bugle again in the middle of the night.

---

## KLEIN:
From the way the neighbors have been calling in about it you’d think the German had dropped a bomb on Flatbush Avenue.

---

## BROPHY:
The Lieutenant’s on the warpath.

---

He says the Colonel’s got to be put away someplace.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes! Yes!

---

## O'HARA:
Gee, Mr. Brewster.

---

I got to get away, si I’ll just ruin through the third act quick.

---

## MORTIMER:
Get away from me.

---

## KLEIN:
Say, do you know what time it is?

---

It’s after eight o’clock in the morning.

---

## O'HARA:
It is?

---

Gee, Mr. Brewster, them first two acts run a little long, but I don’t see anything we can leave out.

---

## BROPHY:
Who the hell is this guy?

---

## MORTIMER:
That’s my brother.

---

## BROPHY:
Oh, the one that ran away?

---

So he came back?

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes, he came back!

---

## BROPHY:
This is Brophy. Get me Mac.

---

I’d better let them know we found you, Joe.

---

Mac? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt—we got him.

---

In the Brewster house. Do you want us to bring him in?

---

Oh—all right, we’ll hold him right here.

---

The Lieutenant’s on his way over.

---

## JONATHAN:
So, I’ve been turned in, eh?

---

All right, you’ve got me! 

---

And I suppose you and that stool-pigeon brother of mine will split the reward?

---

## KLEIN:
Reward?

---

## JONATHAN:
Now I’ll do some turning in! You think my aunts are sweet and charming old ladies, don’t you?

---

Well, there are thirteen bodies buried in their cellar.

---

## MORTIMER:
Teddy! Teddy! Teddy!

---

## KLEIN:
What the tell are you talking about?

---

## BROPHY:
You’d better be careful what you’re saying about your aunts—they happen to be friends of ours.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’ll show you! I’ll prove it to you! You come to the cellar with me!

---

## KLEIN:
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

---

## JONATHAN:
Thirteen bodies! I’ll show you where they’re buried.

---

## KLEIN:
Oh, yeah?

---

## JONATHAN:
You don’t want to see what’s down in the cellar?

---

## BROPHY:
Go on down in the cellar with him, Abe.

---

## KLEIN:
I’m not so sure I want to be down in the cellar with him.

---

Look at that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff.

---

[yelling]

---

Hey-what the hell—Hey, Pat! Get him off me.

---

## BROPHY:
Here, what do you think you’re doing?

---

## KLEIN: 
Well what do you know about that?

---

## O'HARA:
Come in.

---

## ROONEY: 
What the hell are you men doing here?

---

I told you was going to handle this.

---

## KLEIN:
Well, sir, we was just about to—ROONEY.

---

What happened?

---

Did he put up a fight?

---

## BROPHY:
This ain’t the guy that blows the bugle.

---

This is his brother, He tried to kill Klein.

---

## KLEIN:
All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff.

---

## ROONEY:
Turn him over.

---

## BROPHY:
We kinda think he’s wanted somewhere.

---

## ROONEY:
Oh, you kinda He’s wanted somewhere?

---

If you guys don’t look at the circulars we hang up in the station, at least you could read True Detective. 

---

Certainly he’s wanted.

---

In Indiana! Escaped from the prison for the Criminal Insane! He’s a lifer.

---

For God’s sake that’s how he was described—he like Karloff!

---

## KLEIN:
Was there a reward mentioned?

---

## ROONEY:
Yeah—and I'm claiming it.

---

## BROPHY:
He was trying to get us down in the cellar.

---

## KLEIN:
He said there was thirteen bodies buried down there.

---

## ROONEY:
Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar?

---

And that didn’t tip you off he came out of a nut-house!

---

## O’HARA:
I thought all along he talked kinda crazy.

---

## ROONEY:
Oh, it’s Shakespeare?

---

Where have you been all night? And you needn’t bother to tell me.

---

## O'HARA:
I’ve been right here, sir.

---

Writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.

---

## ROONEY:
Yeah? Well, you’re gonna have plenty of time to write that play.

---

You’re suspended! Now get back and report in!

---

## O'HARA:
Can I come over sometime and use the station typewriter?

---

## ROONEY:
No!—Get out of here.

---

Take that guy somewhere else and bring him to.

---

See what you can find out about his accomplice.

---

The guy that helped him escape. He’s wanted too.

---

No wonder Brooklyn’s in the shape it’s in, with the police force full of flatheads like you—falling for that kind of a story—thirteen bodies in the cellar!

---

## TEDDY:
But there are thirteen bodies in the cellar.

---

## ROONEY:
Who are you?

---

## TEDDY:
I’m President Roosevelt.

---

## ROONEY:
What the hell is this?

---

## BROPHY:
He’s the fellow that blows the bugle.

---

## KLEIN:
Good morning, Colonel.

---

## ROONEY:
Well Colonel, you’ve blown your last bugle.

---

## TEDDY:
Dear me—another Yellow Fever victim?

---

## ROONEY:
Whaat?

---

## TEDDY:
All the bodies in the cellar are Yellow Fever victims.

---

## BROPHY:
No, Colonel, this is the spy we caught at the White House.

---

## ROONEY:
Will you get that guy out of here!

---

## TEDDY:
If there’s any questioning of spies, that’s my department!

---

## ROONEY:
You keep out of this!

---

## TEDDY:
You’re forgetting! As President, I am also head of the Secret Service.

---

## MORTIMER:
Captain—I’m Mortimer Brewster.

---

## ROONEY:
Are you sure?

---

## MORTIMER:
I’d like to talk to you about my brother Teddy—the one who blew the bugle.

---

## ROONEY:
Mr. Brewster, we ain’t going to talk about that—he’s got to be put away!

---

## MORTIMER:
I quite agree with you.

---

In fact, it’s all arranged for.

---

I had these commitment papers signed by Dr. Gilchrist, our family physician.

---

Teddy has signed them himself, you see—and I’ve signed them as next of kin.

---

## ROONEY:
Where’s he going?

---

## MORTIMER:
Happy Dale.

---

## ROONEY:
All right. I don’t care where he goes as long as he goes!


---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, he’s going all right.

---

But I want you to know that everything that’s happened around here Teddy’s responsible for.

---

Now, those thirteen bodies in the cellar—


---

## ROONEY:
Yeah—yeah—those thirteen bodies in the cellar! 

---

It ain’t enough that the neighbors are all afraid of him, and his disturbing the peace with that bugle—

---

But can you imagine what would happen if that cock-eyed story about thirteen bodies in the cellar got around?

---

And now he’s starting a Yellow Fever scare.

---

Cute, ain’t it?

---

## MORTIMER:
Thirteen bodies.

---

Do you think anybody would believe that story?

---

## ROONEY:
Well, you can’t tell. Some people are just dumb enough.

---

You don’t know what to believe sometimes.

---

About a year ago a crazy guy starts a murder rumor over in Greenpoint, and I had to dig up a half acre lot, just to prove that—

---

[doorbell chime]

---

## MORTIMER:
Will you excuse me?

---

## ELAINE: 
Good morning, Mortimer.

---

## MORTIMER:
Good morning, dear.

---

## ELAINE:
This is Mr. Witherspoon. He’s come to meet Teddy.

---

## MORTIMER:
To meet Teddy?

---

## ELAINE:
Mr. Witherspoon’s the superintendent of Happy Dale.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, come right in. This is Captain—

---

## ROONEY:
*Lieutenant* Rooney.

---

I’m glad you’re here, Super, because you’re taking him back with you today!

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Today! I didn’t know that—

---

## ELAINE:
Not today!

---

## MORTIMER:
Look, Elaine, I’ve got a lot of business to attend to, so you can run along home and I’ll call you up.

---

## ELAINE:
Nuts! 

---

## WITHERSPOON:
I had no idea it was this immediate.

---

## ROONEY:
The papers are all signed, he goes today!

---

## TEDDY:
Complete insubordination! You men will find out I’m no mollycoddle.

---

When the President of the United States is treated like that—what’s the country coming to?

---

## ROONY:
There’s your man, Super.

---

## MORTIMER:
Just a minute! Mr. President, I have very good news for you.

---

Your term of office is over.

---

## TEDDY:
Is this March the Fourth?

---

## MORTIMER:
Practically.

---

## TEDDY:
Let’s see—OH!—Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well, I must get started immediately.

---

Is he trying to move into the White house before I’ve moved out?

---

## MORTIMER:
Who, Teddy?

---

## TEDDY:
Taft!

---

## MORTIMER:
This isn’t Mr. Taft, Teddy.

---

This is Mr. Witherspoon—he’s going to be your guide in Africa.

---

## TEDDY:
Bully! Bully! I’ll bring down my equipment.

---

When the safari comes, tell them to wait.

---

Goodbye, Aunty Abby.

---

Goodbye, Aunt Martha.

---

I’m on my way to Africa—isn’t it wonderful?

---

CHARGE! 

---

## MORTIMER: 
Good morning, darlings.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, we have visitors.

---

## MORTIMER:
This is Lieutenant Rooney.

---

## ABBY:
How do you do, Lieutenant?

---

My you don’t look like the fussbudget policemen say you are.

---

## MORTIMER:
Why, the Lieutenant is here—You know, Teddy blew his bugle again last night.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, we’re going to speak to Teddy about that.

---

## ROONEY:
It’s a little more serious than that, Miss Brewster.

---

## MORTIMER:
And you haven’t met Mr. Witherspoon.

---

He’s the Superintendent of Happy Dale.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Mr. Witherspoon—how do you do?

---

## MARTHA:
You’ve come to meet Teddy.

---

## ROONEY:
He’s come to *take* him.

---

## MORTIMER:
Aunties—the police want Teddy to go there, today.

---

## ABBY:
Oh—no!

---

## MARTHA: 
Not while we’re alive!

---

## ROONEY:
I’m sorry, Miss Brewster, but it has to be done.

---

The papers are all signed and he’s going along with the Superintendent.

---

## ABBY:
We won’t permit it.

---

We’ll promise to take the bugle away from him.

---

## MARTHA:
We won’t be separated from Teddy.

---

## ROONEY:
I’m sorry ladies, but the law’s the law! He’s committed himself and he’s going!

---

## ABBY:
Well, if he goes, we’re going too.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, you’ll have to take us with him.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, why not?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Well, that’s sweet of them to want to, but that’s impossible.

---

You see, we can’t take *sane* people at Happy Dale.

---

## MARTHA:
Mr. Witherspoon, if you’ll let us live there with Teddy, we’ll see that Happy Dale is in our will—and for a very generous amount.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Well, the Lord knows we could use the money, but—I’m afraid—

---

## ROONEY:
Now, let’s be sensible about this, ladies.

---

For instance, here I am wasting my morning when I’ve got serious work to do.

---

You know there are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes! Oh, are there?

---

## ROONEY:
It ain’t only his bugle blowing and the neighbors all afraid of him, but things would just get worse.

---

Sooner or later we’d be put to the trouble of digging up your cellar.

---

## ABBY:
Our cellar?

---

## ROONEY:
Yeah—Your nephew’s been telling around that there are thirteen bodies in your cellar.

---

## ABBY:
But there are thirteen bodies in our cellar.

---

## MARTHA:
If that’s why you think Teddy has to go away—you come down to the cellar with us and we’ll prove it to you.

---

## ABBY: 
There’s one—Mr. Spenalzo—who doesn’t belong here and who will have to leave—but the other twelve are our gentlemen.

---

## MORTIMER: 
I don’t think the Lieutenant wants to go down in the cellar.

---

He was telling me that only last year he had to dig up a half-acre lot—weren’t you, Lieutenant?

---

## ROONEY:
That’s right.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, you wouldn’t have to dig here.

---

The graves are all marked.

---

We put flowers on them every Sunday.

---

## ROONEY:
Flowers?

---

Superintendent—don’t you think you can find room for these ladies?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Well I—

---

## ABBY:
You come along with us, and we’ll show you the graves.

---

## ROONEY:
I’ll take your word for it, lady—I’m a busy man.

---

How about it, Super?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Well, they’d have to be committed.

---

## MORTIMER:
Teddy committed himself.

---

Can’t they commit themselves?

---

Can’t they sign the papers?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Why, certainly.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, where are they?

---

## KLEIN:
He’s coming around, Lieutenant.

---

## ABBY:
Good morning, Mr. Klein.

---

## MARTHA:
Good morning, Mr. Klein.

---

Are you here too?

---

## KLEIN:
Yeah, Brophy and me have got your other nephew out in the kitchen.

---

## ROONEY:
Well, sign ‘em up, Superintendent.

---

I want to get this all cleaned up.

---

Thirteen bodies.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
If you’ll sign right here.

---

## MORTIMER:
And you here, Aunt Abby.

---

## ABBY:
I’m really looking forward to going—the neighborhood has changed so.

---

## MARTHA:
Just think, a front lawn again.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Oh, we’re overlooking something.

---

## MARTHA:
What?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Well, we’re going to need a signature of the doctor.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh! Dr. Einstein! Weill you come over here—we’d like you to sign some papers.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Please, I must—

---

## MORTIMER:
Just come right over, Doctor.

---

At one time last night, I thought the Doctor was going to operate on me.

---

Just come right over, Doctor.

---

Just sign right here, Doctor.

---

## ABBY:
Were you leaving, Doctor?

---

## EINSTEIN:
I think I must go.

---

## MARTHA:
Aren’t you going to wait for Jonathan?

---

## EINSTEIN:
I don’t think we’re going to the same place.

---

## MORTIMER:
Hello, Elaine.

---

I’m glad to see you.

---

Stick around, huh?

---

## ELAINE:
Don’t worry, I’m going to.

---

## ROONEY:
Hello, Mac. Rooney.

---

We’ve picked up that guy that’s wanted in Indiana.

---

Now there’s a description of his accomplice—it’s right on the desk there—read it to me.

---

Yeah—about fifty four—five foot six—hundred forty pounds—blue eyes—talks with German accent.

---

Poses as a doctor.

---

Thanks, Mac.

---

## WITHERSPOON: 
It’s all right, Lieutenant.

---

The Doctor here has just completed the signitures.

---

## ROONEY:
Thanks, Doc.

---

You’re really doing Brooklyn a service.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Mr. Brewster, you sign now as next of kin.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes, of course.

---

Right here?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
That’s fine.

---

## MORTIMER:
That makes everything complete—everything legal?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Oh, yes.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, Aunties, now you’re safe.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
When do you think you’ll be ready to start?

---

## ABBY:
Well, Mr. Witherspoon, why don’t you go upstairs and tell Teddy just what he can take along?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Upstairs?

---

## MORTIMER:
I’ll show you.

---

## ABBY:
No, Mortimer, you stay here.

---

We want to talk to you.

---

Yes, Mr. Witherspoon, just upstairs and turn to the left.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, Mortimer, now that we’re moving, this house really is yours.

---

## ABBY:
Yes, dear, we want you to live here now.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, Aunt Abby, this house is too full of memories.

---

## MARTHA:
But, you’ll need a home when you and Elaine are married.

---

## MORTIMER:
Darlings, that’s very indefinite.

---

## ELAINE:
It’s nothing of the kind—we’re going to be married right away.

---

## ABBY: 
Mortimer—Mortimer, we’re really very worried about something.

---

## MORTIMER:
Now, darlings, you’re going to love it at Happy Dale.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, yes, we’re very happy about the whole thing.

---

That’s just it—we don’t want anything to go wrong.

---

## ABBY:
Will they investigate those signatures?

---

## MORTIMER:
Don’t worry, they’re not going to look up Dr. Einstein.

---

## MARTHA:
It’s not his signature, dear, it’s yours.

---

## ABBY:
You see, you signed as next of kin.

---

## MORTIMER:
Of course. Why not?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, dear, it’s something we never wanted to tell you.

---

But now you’re a man—and it’s something Elaine should know too.

---

You see, dear—you’re not really a Brewster.

---

## ABBY:
You’re mother came to us a cook—and you were born about three months afterward.

---

But she was such a sweet woman—and such a good cook we didn’t want to lose her—so brother married her.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’m—not—really—a—Brewster?

---

## MARTHA:
Now, don’t feel badly about it, dear.

---

## ABBY:
And Elaine, it won’t make any difference to you?

---

## MORTIMER:
Elaine! Did you hear?

---

Do you understand?

---

I’m a bastard!

---

## MARTHA:
Well, now I really must see about breakfast.

---

## ELAINE:
Mortimer’s coming over to my house.

---

Father’s gone to Philadelphia, and Mortimer and I are going to have breakfast together.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes, I need some coffee—I’ve had quite a night.

---

## ABBY:
In that case I should think you’d want to go to bed.

---

## MORTIMER:
I do.

---

## TEDDY:
One moment, Witherspoon. Take this with you! 

---

## ROONEY: 
We won’t need the wagon. My car’s out front.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, you leaving now, Jonathan?

---

## ROONEY:
Yeah—he’s going back to Indiana.

---

There some people there want to take care of him for the rest of his life. Come on.

---

## ABBY:
Well, Jonathan, it’s nice to know you have some place to go.

---

## MARTHA:
We’re leaving too.

---

## ABBY:
Yes, we’re going to Happy Dale.

---

## JONATHAN:
Then this house is seeing the last of the Brewsters.

---

## MARTHA:
Unless Mortimer wants to live here.

---

## JONATHAN:
I have a suggestion to make.

---

Why don’t you turn this property over to the church?

---

## ABBY:
Well, we never thought of that.

---

## JONATHAN:
After all, it *should* be part of the cemetery.

---

## ROONEY:
All right, get going, I’m a busy man.

---

## JONATHAN:
Goodbye, Aunties.

---

Well, I can’t better my record now but neither can you—at least I have that satisfaction.

---

The score stands even. 

---

## MARTHA: 
Jonathan always was a mean boy.

---

[underscore chraming jazz piano]

---

Never could stand to see anyone get ahead of him.

---

## ABBY: 
I wish we could show him he isn’t so smart! 

---

Mr. Witherspoon?

---

Does yor family live with you at Happy Dale?

---

## WITHERSPOON:
I have no family.

---

## ABBY:
Oh—

---

## MARTHA:
Well, I suppose you consider everyone at Happy Dale your family.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
I’m afraid you don’t quite understand. As head of the institution I have to keep quite aloof.

---

## ABBY:
That must make it very lonely for you.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
It does.

---

But my duty is my duty.

---

## ABBY:
Well, Martha—If Mr. Witherspoon won’t join us for breakfast at least we should offer him a glass of elderberry wine.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Elderberry wine?

---

## MARTHA:
We make it ourselves.

---

## WITHERSPOON:
Why, yes! 

---

Of course, at Happy Dale our relationship will be more formal—but here—

---

You don’t see much elderberry wine nowadays—I thought I’d had my last glass of it.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, no—

---

## MARTHA:
No, here it is.

---

[upbeat jazz]

