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title: ARSENIC AND OLD LACE pt 1

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title: ARSENIC AND OLD LACE pt 1
type: slide
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<!-- ACT I -->

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[Preshow music - 1930's jazz and hits]

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[ominous jazz/saxaphone music]

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## ABBY:
Yes, indeed, my sister Martha and I have been talking all week about your sermon last Sunday.

---

It’s really wonderful, Dr. Harper—in only two short years you’ve taken on the spirit of Brooklyn.

---

## HARPER:
That’s very gratifying, Miss Brewster.

---

## ABBY:
You see, living here next to the church all our lives, we’ve seen so many ministers come and go.

---

The spirit of Brooklyn, we always say is friendliness—and your sermons are not so much sermons as friendly talks.

---

## TEDDY:
Personally, I’ve always enjoyed my talks with Cardinal Gibbons—or have I met him yet?

---

## ABBY:
No, dear, not yet. Are the biscuits good?

---

## TEDDY:
Bully!

---

## ABBY:
Won’t you have another biscuit, Dr. Harper?

---

## HARPER:
Oh. No.

---

I’m afraid I’ll have no appetite for dinner now.

---

I always eat to many of your biscuits just to taste that lovely jam.

---

## ABBY:
But you haven’t tried the quince.

---

We always put a little apple in with it to take the tartness out.

---

## HARPER:
No. Thank you.

---

## ABBY:
We’ll send you over a jar.

---

## HARPER:
No, no.

---

You keep it here so I can be sure of having your biscuits with it.

---

## ABBY:
I do hope they don’t make us use that imitation flour again.

---

I mean with this war trouble.

---

It may not be very charitable of me, but, I’ve almost come to the conclusion that this Mr. Hitler isn’t a Christian.

---

## HARPER:
If only Europe were on another planet!

---

## TEDDY:
Europe, sir?

---

## HARPER:
Yes, Teddy.

---

## TEDDY:
Point your gun the other way!

---

## HARPER:
Gun?

---

## ABBY:
Teddy.

---

## TEDDY:
To the West! There’s your danger! There’s your enemy! Japan!

---

## HARPER:
Why, yes—yes, of course.

---

## ABBY:
Teddy!

---

## TEDDY:
No, Aunt Abby! Not so much talk about Europe and more about the canal!

---

## ABBY:
Well, let’s not talk about war.

---

Will you have another cup of tea, dear?

---

## TEDDY:
No, thank you, Aunt Abby.

---

## ABBY:
Dr. Harper?

---

## HARPER:
No, thank you, I must admit, Miss Abby, that the war and violence seem far removed from these surroundings.

---

## ABBY:
It is peaceful here, isn’t it?

---

## HARPER:
Yes—peaceful.

---

The virtues of another day—they’re all here in this house.

---

The gentle virtues that went out with candlelight and good manners and low taxes.

---

## ABBY:
It’s one of the oldest houses in Brooklyn.

---

It’s just as it was when Grandfather Brewster built and furnished it—except for the electricity—and we use it as little as possible.

---

It was Mortimer who persuaded us to put it in.

---

## HARPER:
Yes, I can understand that.

---

Your nephew Mortimer seems to live only by electric light.

---

## ABBY:
The poor boy has to work so late.

---

I understand he’s taking Elaine with him to the theatre again tonight.

---

Teddy, your brother Mortimer will be here a little later.

---

## TEDDY:
Dee-lighted!

---

## ABBY:
We’re so happy it’s Elaine Mortimer takes to the theatre with him.

---

## HARPER:
Well, it’s a new experience for me to wait up until three o’clock in the morning for my daughter to be brought home.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Dr. Harper, I hope you don’t disapprove of Mortimer.

---

## HARPER:
Well—

---

## ABBY:
We’d feel so guilty if you did—sister Martha and I.

---

I mean since it was here in our home that your daughter met Mortimer.

---

## HARPER:
Of course, Miss Abby.

---

And so I’ll say immediately that I believe Mortimer himself to be quite a worthy gentleman.

---

But I must also admit that I have watched the growing intimacy between him and my daughter with some trepidation.

---

For one reason, Miss Abby.

---

## ABBY:
You mean his stomach, Dr. Harper?

---

## HARPER:
Stomach?

---

## ABBY:
His dyspepsia—he’s bothered with it so, poor boy.

---

## HARPER:
No, Miss Abby, I’ll be frank with you.

---

I’m speaking of your nephew’s unfortunate connection with the theatre.

---

## ABBY:
The theatre! Oh no, Dr. Harper! Mortimer writes for a New York newspaper.

---

## HARPER:
I know, Miss Abby, I know, But a dramatic critic is constantly exposed to the theatre, 

---

and I don’t doubt but what comes of them do develop an interest in it.

---

## ABBY:
Well, not Mortimer. You need have no fear of that.

---

Why Mortimer hates the theatre.

---

## HARPER:
Really?

---

## ABBY:
Oh yes! He writes awful things about the theater.

---

But you can’t blame him, poor boy.

---

He was so happy writing about real estate, which he really knew something about, and then they just made him take this terrible night position.

---

## HARPER:
My! My!

---

## ABBY:
But, as he says, the theatre can’t last much longer anyway and in the meantime it’s a living.

---

Yes, I think if we give the theatre another year or two, perhaps… 

---

[door chime]

---

Well, now, who do you suppose that it?

---

No, thank you, Teddy, I’ll go.

---

Come in, Mr. Brophy.

---

## BROPHY:
Hello, Miss Brewster.

---

## ABBY:
How are you, Mr. Klein.

---

## KLEIN:
Very well, Miss Brewster.

---

## TEDDY:
What news have you brought me?

---

## BROPHY:
Colonel, we have nothing to report.

---

## TEDDY:
Splendid! Thank you, gentlemen! At ease!

---

## ABBY:
You know Dr. Harper.

---

## KLEIN:
Sure! Hello, Dr. Harper.

---

## BROPHY:
We’ve come for the toys for the Christmas Fund.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, yes.

---

## HARPER:
That’s a splendid work you men do—fixing up discarded toys to give poor children a happier Christmas.

---

## KLEIN:
It gives us something to do when we have to sit around the station.

---

You get tired playing cards and then you start cleaning your gun, and the first thing you know you’ve shot yourself in the foot.

---


## ABBY:
Teddy, go upstairs and get that big box from your Aunt Martha’s room.

---

How is Mrs. Brophy today?

---

Mrs. Brophy has been quite ill, Dr. Harper.

---

## BROPHY:
Pneumonia!

---

## HARPER:
I’m sorry to hear that.

---

## TEDDY:
CHARGE! 

---

[door slam]

---

[crashing sounds upstairs]

---

## BROPHY: 
Oh, she’s better now A little weak still—

---

## ABBY:
I’m going to get you some beef broth to take to her.

---

## BROPHY:
Don’t bother, Miss Abby! You’ve done so much for her already.

---

## ABBY:
We made it this morning, Sister Martha is taking some to poor Mr. Benitzky right now.

---

I won’t be a minute.

---

Sit down and be comfortable, all of you.

---

## BROPHY: 
She shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

---

## KLEIN:
Listen, try to stop her or her sister from doing something nice—and for nothing! They don’t even care how you vote.

---

## HARPER:
When I received my call to Brooklyn and moved next door my wife wasn’t well.

---

When she died and for months before—well, if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are, it’s because I’ve known the Brewster sisters.

---

[loud, discordant bugle blow]

---

## BROPHY:
Colonel, you promised not to do that.

---

## TEDDY:
But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get the release of those supplies.

---

[door slam]

---

## BROPHY: 
He used to do that in the middle of the night.

---

The neighbors raised cain with us.

---

They’re a little afraid of him, anyway.

---

## HARPER:
Oh, he’s quite harmless.

---

## KLEIN:
Suppose he does think he’s Teddy Roosevelt.

---

There’s a lot worse people he could think he was.

---

## BROPHY:
Damn shame—a nice family like this hatching a cuckoo.

---

## KLEIN:
Well, his father—the old girls’ brother, was some sort of a genius wasn’t he?

---

And their father—Teddy’s grandfather—seems to me I’ve heard he was a little crazy too.

---

## BROPHY: 
Yeah—he was crazy like a fox.

---

He made a million dollars.

---

## HARPER:
Really? Here in Brooklyn?

---

## BROPHY:
Yeah. Patent medicine.

---

He was a kind of a quack of some sort. Old Sergeant Edwards remembers him.

---

He used the house here as sort of a clinic—tried ‘em out on people.

---

## KLEIN:
Yeah, I hear he used to make mistakes occasionally, too.

---

## BROPHY:
The department never bothered him much because he was pretty useful on autopsies sometimes.

---

Especially poison cases.

---

[spooky Hollywood movie violin]

---

## KLEIN:
Well, whatever he did he left his daughters fixed for life.

---

Thank God for that—

---

## BROPHY:
Not that they ever spend any of it on themselves.

---

## HARPER:
Yes, I’m well acquainted with their charities.

---

## KLEIN:
You don’t know the tenth of it.

---

When I was in the Missing Persons Bureau I was trying to trace an old man that we never did find—

---

do you know there’s a renting agency that’s got this house down on its list for furnished rooms? 

---

They don’t rent rooms—but you can bet that anybody who comes here lookin’ for a room 

---

goes away with a good meal and probably a few dollars in their kick.

---

## BROPHY:
It’s just their way of digging up people to do some good to.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, now, isn’t this nice?

---

## BROPHY: 
Good afternoon, Miss Brewster.

---

## MARTHA:
How do you do, Mr. Brophy?

---

Dr. Harper.

---

Mr. Klein.

---

## KLEIN:
How are you , Miss Brewster?

---

We dropped in to get the Christmas toys.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, yes, Teddy’s Army and Navy.

---

They wear out.

---

They’re all packed.

---

## BROPHY: 
The Colonel's upstairs after them—it seems the Cabinet has to OK it.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, of course.

---

I hope Mrs. Brophy’s better?

---

## BROPHY:
She’s doing fine, ma’am.

---

Your sister’s getting some soup for me to take to her.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, yes, we made it this morning, I just took some to a poor old man who broke ever so many bones.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, you’re back, Martha.

---

How is Mr. Benitzky?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, dear. It’s pretty serious, I’m afraid.

---

The doctor was there. He’s going to amputate in the morning.

---

## ABBY:
Can we be present?

---

## MARTHA:
No. I asked him but he says it’s against the rules of the hospital.

---

## HARPER:
You couldn’t be of any service—and you must spare yourselves something.

---

## ABBY:
Here’s the broth, Mr. Brophy.

---

Be sure it’s good and hot.

---

## BROPHY:
Yes, ma’am.

---

## KLEIN: 
This is fine—it’ll make a lot of kids happy.

---

That O’Malley boy is nuts about soldiers.

---

## TEDDY:
That’s General Miles.

---

I’ve retired him.

---

What’s this?

---

The Oregon!

---

## MARTHA:
Teddy, dear, out it back.

---

## TEDDY:
But the Oregon goes to Australia.

---

## ABBY:
Now, Teddy—

---

## TEDDY:
No, I’ve given my word to Fighting Bob Evans.

---

## MARTHA:
But, Teddy—

---

## KLEIN:
What’s the difference what kid gets it—Bobby Evans, Izzy Cohen?

---

We’ll run a long, ma’am, and thank you very much.

---

## ABBY:
Not at all.

---

Goodbye.

---

## HARPER:
I must be getting home.

---

## ABBY:
Before you go, Dr. Harper—

---

## TEDDY:
CHARGE! Charge the blockhouse! 

---

## HARPER: 
The blockhouse?

---

[door slam]

---

## MARTHA:
The stairs are always San Juan Hill.

---

## HARPER:
Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn’t Teddy Roosevelt?

---

## ABBY:
[laughter] Oh, no!

---

## MARTHA:
He’s so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.

---

## ABBY:
Once, a long time ago—remember, Martha?

---

We thought if he would be George Washington it might be a change for him—

---

## MARTHA:
But he stayed under his bed for days and just wouldn’t be anybody.

---

## ABBY:
And we’d so much rather he’d be Mr. Roosevelt than nobody.

---

## HARPER:
Well, if he’s happy—and what’s more important you’re happy—you’ll see that he signs these.

---

## MARTHA:
What are they?

---

## ABBY:
Dr. Harper has made all arrangements for Teddy to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

---

## MARTHA:
But why should Teddy sign any papers now?

---

## HARPER:
It’s better to have it all settled.

---

If the Lord should take you away suddenly perhaps we couldn’t persuade Teddy to commit himself and that would mean an unpleasant legal procedure.

---

Mr. Witherspoon understands they’re to be filed away until the time comes to use them.

---

## MARTHA:
Mr. Witherspoon? Who’s he?

---

## HARPER:
He’s the Superintendent of Happy Dale.

---

## ABBY:
Dr. Harper has arranged for him to drop in tomorrow or the next day to meet Teddy.

---

## HARPER:
I’d better be running along or Elaine will be over here looking for me.

---

## ABBY:
Give our love to Elaine—and Dr. Harper, please don’t think harshly of Mortimer because he’s a dramatic critic.

---

Somebody has to do those things.

---

## MARTHA: 
Did you just have tea? Isn’t it rather late?

---

## ABBY:
Yes—and dinner’s going to be late too.

---

## MARTHA:
So? Why?

---

## ABBY:
Teddy! Good news for you.

---

You’re going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal.

---

## TEDDY:
Dee-lighted! That’s bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey.

---

## TEDDY:
CHARGE!

---

## MARTHA: 
Abby! While I was out?

---

## ABBY:
Yes, dear! I just couldn’t wait for you.

---

I didn’t know when you’d be back and Dr. Harper was coming.

---

[door slam]

---

## MARTHA:
But all by yourself?


---

## ABBY:
Oh. I got along fine!


---

## MARTHA:
I’ll run right downstairs and see.

---

## ABBY: 
Oh, no, there wasn’t time and I was all alone.

---

## MARTHA:
Well— [laughter]

---

## ABBY:
Martha—just look in the window seat. [laughter]

---

[door chime]

---

## ABBY:
Oh, it’s Elaine.

---

Come in dear.

---


## ELAINE: 
Good afternoon, Miss Abby. Good afternoon, Miss Martha.

---

I thought Father was here.

---

## MARTHA:
He just this minute left. Didn’t you meet him?

---

## ELAINE:
No, I took the short cut through the cemetery.

---

Mortimer hasn’t come yet?

---

## ABBY:
No, dear.

---

## ELAINE:
Oh? He asked me to meet him here. Do you mind if I wait?

---

## MARTHA:
Not at all.

---

## ABBY:
Why don’t you sit down, dear?

---

## MARTHA:
But we really must speak to Mortimer about doing this to you.

---

## ELAINE:
Doing what?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, he was brought up to know better.

---

When a gentleman is taking a young lady out he should call for her at her house.

---

## ELAINE:
Oh, there’s something about calling for a girl at a parsonage that discourages any man who doesn’t embroider.

---

## ABBY: 
He’s done this too often—we’re going to speak to him.

---

## ELAINE:
Oh, please don’t.

---

After young men whose idea of night life was to take me to a prayer meeting, it’s wonderful to go to the theatre almost every night of my life.

---

## MARTHA:
It’s comforting for us too, because if Mortimer has to see some of those plays he has to see—at least he’s sitting next to a minister’s daughter.

---

## ABBY: 
My goodness, Elaine, what must you think of us—not having tea cleared away by this time.

---

## MARTHA: 
Now don’t bother with anything in the kitchen until Mortimer comes, and then I’ll help you.

---

Mortimer should be here any minute now.

---

## ELAINE:
Yes.

---

Father must have been surprised not to find me at home.

---

I’d better run over and say goodnight to him.

---

## MARTHA: 
It’s a shame you missed him, dear.

---

## ELAINE:
If Mortimer comes you tell him I’ll be right back.

---

Hello, Mort!

---

## MARTHA:
Abby, Mortimer’s here!

---

## MORTIMER:
Were you going somewhere?

---

## ELAINE:
I was just going over to tell Father not to wait up for me.

---

## MORTIMER:
I didn’t know that was still being done, even in Brooklyn.

---

## ABBY: 
Hello Mortimer.

---

## MORTIMER:
Hello, Aunt Abby.

---

## ABBY:
How are you , dear?

---

## MORTIMER:
All right.

---

And you look well.

---

You haven’t changed much since yesterday.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, my goodness, it was yesterday, wasn’t it?

---

We’re seeing a great deal of you lately.

---

Well, come, sit down.

---

Sit down.

---

## MARTHA:
Abby—haven’t we something in the kitchen?

---

## ABBY:
Huh?

---

## MARTHA:
You know—the tea things.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, yes! Yes! The tea things. Well you two just make yourselves at home.

---

Just--  

---

## MARTHA:
–make yourselves at hime.

---

## ELAINE:
Well, can’t you take a hint?

---

## MORTIMER:
No… that was pretty obvious. A lack of inventiveness, I should say.

---

## ELAINE:
Yes—that’s exactly what you’d say.

---

## MORTIMER:
Where do you want to go or dinner?

---

## ELAINE:
I don’t care.

---

I’m not very hungry.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, I just had breakfast.

---

Suppose we wait until after the show?

---

## ELAINE:
But that’ll make it pretty late, won’t it?

---

## MORTIMER:
Not with the little stinker we’re seeing tonight.

---

From what I’ve heard about it we’ll be at Blake’s by ten o’clock.

---


## ELAINE: 
You ought to be fair to these plays.

---

## MORTIMER:
Are these plays fair to me?

---

## ELAINE:
I've never seen you walk out on a musical.

---

## MORTIMER:
That musical isn’t opening tonight.

---

## ELAINE:
No?

---

## MORTIMER:
Darling, you ‘ll have to learn the rules.

---

With a musical there are always four changes of title and three postponements.

---

They liked it in New Haven but it needs a lot of work.

---

## ELAINE:
Oh, I was hoping it was a musical.

---

## MORTIMER:
You have such a light mind.

---

## ELAINE:
Not a bit.

---

Musicals somehow have a humanizing effect on you.

---

After a serious play we join the proletariat in the subway and I listen to a lecture on the drama.

---

[laughter]

---

After a musical you bring me home in a taxi and you make a few passes.

---

## MORTIMER:
Now wait a minute, darling, that’s a very inaccurate piece of reporting.

---

## ELAINE:
Oh, I will admit that after the Behrman play you told me I had authentic beauty—and that’s a hell of a thing to say to a girl.

---

It wasn’t until after our first musical you told me I had nice legs.

---

And I have too.

---

## MORTIMER:
For a minister’s daughter you know a lot about life.

---

Where’d you learn it!

---

## ELAINE:
In the choir loft.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’ll explain that to you sometime, darling—the close connection between eroticism and religion.

---

## ELAINE:
Religion never gets as high as the choir loft.

---

Which reminds me, I’d better tell Father please not to wait up for me tonight.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’ve never been able to rationalize it.

---

## ELAINE:
What?

---

## MORTIMER:
My falling in love with a girl who lives in Brooklyn.

---

## ELAINE:
Falling in love?

---

You’re not stooping to the articulate, are you?

---

## MORTIMER:
The only way I can regain my self-respect is to keep you in New York.

---

## ELAINE:
Did you say keep?

---

## MORTIMER:
No, no. I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re holding out for the legalities.

---


## ELAINE: 
I can afford to be a good girl for quite a few years yet.

---

## MORTIMER:
And I can’t wait that long.

---

Where could we be married in a hurry—say tonight?

---

## ELAINE:
I’m afraid my Father will insist on officiating.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, God! I’ll bet you father could make even the marriage service sound pedestrian.

---

## ELAINE:
Are you by any chance writing a review of it?

---

## MORTIMER:
Forgive me darling.

---

It’s an occupational disease.

---

I may give that play tonight a good notice.

---

## ELAINE:
Now, darling, don’t pretend you love me that much.

---

## MORTIMER:
Be sure to tell your father not to wait up tonight.

---

## ELAINE:
I think tonight I’d better tell him to wait up.

---

## ELAINE:
Nevertheless—

---

## MORTIMER:
All right, everything formal and legal. But not later than next month.

---

## ELAINE:
Darling! I’ll talk it over with Father and set the date.

---

## MORTIMER:
No—we’ll have to see what’s in rehearsal.

---

There’ll be a lot of other first nights in October.

---

## TEDDY:
Hello, Mortimer!

---

## MORTIMER:
How are you, Mr. President?

---

## TEDDY:
Bully, thank you.

---

Just bully! What news have you brought me?

---

## MORTIMER:
Just this, Mr. President—the country is squarely behind you.

---

## TEDDY:
Yes, I know. Isn’t it wonderful?

---

Well, goodbye.

---

Goodbye.

---

## ELAINE: 
Where are you off to, Teddy

---

## TEDDY:
Panama.

---

## MORTIMER: 
Panama’s the cellar.

---

He digs locks for the canal down there.

---

## ELAINE:
You’re so sweet with him—and he’s very fond of you.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, Teddy was always by favorite brother.

---

## ELAINE:
Favorite? Were there more of you?

---

## MORTIMER:
There’s another brother—Jonathan.

---

## ELAINE:
I never heard of him. Your aunts never mention him.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, we don’t like to talk about Jonathan.

---

He left Brooklyn very early—by request.

---

Jonathan was the kind of boy who liked to cut worms in two—with his teeth.

---

## ELAINE:
What became of him?

---

## MORTIMER:
I don’t know.

---

He wanted to become a surgeon like Grandfather but he wouldn’t go to medical school first and his practice got into trouble.

---

## ABBY:
Aren’t you two going to be late for the theatre?

---

## MORTIMER: 
We’re skipping dinner.

---

We won’t have to start for half an hour.

---

## ABBY:
Well, then I’ll leave you two alone together again.

---

## ELAINE:
Don’t bather, darling.

---

I’m going to run over to speak to Father.

---

Before I go out with you he likes to pray over me a little.

---

I’ll be right back—I’ll cut through the cemetery.

---

## MORTIMER:
If the prayer isn’t too long, I’d have time to lead you beside distilled waters.

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you quote the bible.

---

We knew Elaine would be a good influence on you.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, by the way—I’m going to marry her.

---

## ABBY:
What?!

---

[laughter]

---

## ABBY:
Oh, darling! Martha! Martha! Come right in here.

---

I’ve got the most wonderful news for you—Mortimer and Elaine are going to be married.

---

## MARTHA:
Married?

---

Oh, Mortimer! 

---

[laughter]

---

## ABBY: 
We hoped it would happen just like this.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, Elaine must be the happiest girl in the world. 

---

## MORTIMER:
Happy! Just look at her leaping over those gravestones.

---

Say! What’s that?

---

## MARTHA:
What’s that, dear?

---

## MORTIMER:
See that statue there?

---

That’s a horuninida carnina.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, no, dear—that’s Emma B. Stout ascending to heaven.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, no—standing on Mrs. Stout’s left ear.

---

That bird—that’s a crested swallow.

---

I’ve only seen one of those before in my life.

---

## ABBY:
I don’t know how you can be thinking about a bird now—what with Elaine and the engagement and everything.

---

## MORTIMER:
It’s a vanishing species. Thoreau was very fond of them.

---

By the way, I left a large envelope around here last week.

---

It was one of the chapters of my book on Thoreau. Have you seen it?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, if you left it here it must be somewhere.

---

## ABBY:
When are you going to be married? What are your plans?

---

There must be something more you can tell us about Elaine.

---

## MORTIMER:
Elaine? Oh, yes, Elaine thought it was brilliant.

---

## MARTHA: 
What was, dear?

---

## MORTIMER:
My chapter on Thoreau.

---

## ABBY: 
Well, when Elaine comes back I think we ought to have a little celebration.

---

We must drink to your happiness.

---

Martha, isn’t there some of the Lady Baltimore cake left?

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, yes!

---

## ABBY:
And I’ll open a bottle of wine.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, and to think it happened in this room!

---

## MORTIMER:
Now where could I have out that?

---

## ABBY:
Well, with your fiancée sitting beside you tonight, I do hope the play will be something you can enjoy for once.

---

It may be something romantic. What’s the name of it?

---

## MORTIMER:
“Murder Will Out.”

---

## ABBY:
Oh dear! 

---

## MORTIMER: 
When the curtain goes up the first thing you’ll see will be a dead body.

---

[spooky violin]

---

[longer spooky violin]

---

## MORTIMER:
Aunt Abby!

---

## ABBY:
Yes, dear?

---

## MORTIMER:
You were going to make plans for Teddy to go to that…sanitarium—Happy Dale—

---

## ABBY:
Yes, dear, it’s all arranged.

---

Dr. Harper was here today and he brought the papers for Teddy to sign.

---

Here they are.

---

## MORTIMER:
He’s got to sign them right away.

---

## ABBY:
That’s what Dr. Harper thinks.

---

Then there won’t be any legal difficulties after we pass on.

---

## MORTIMER:
He’s got to sign them this minute! He’s down in the cellar—get him up here right away.

---

## MARTHA:
There’s no such hurry as that.

---

## ABBY:
No. When Teddy starts working on the canal you can’t get his mind on anything else.

---

## MORTIMER:
Teddy’s got to go to Happy Dale now—tonight.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, no, dear, that’s not until after we’re gone.

---

## MORTIMER:
Right away, I tell you—right away!

---

## ABBY:
Why, Mortimer, how can you say such a thing?

---

Why, as long as we live we’ll never be separated from Teddy.

---

## MORTIMER:
Listen, darlings, I’m frightfully sorry, but I’ve got some shocking news for you.

---

Now we’ve all got to try and keep our heads.

---

You know we’ve sort of humored Teddy because we thought he was harmless.

---

## MARTHA:
Why he is harmless!

---

## MORTIMER:
He was harmless. That’s why he has to go to Happy Dale.

---

Why he has to be confined.

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer, why have you suddenly turned against Teddy—your own brother?

---

## MORTIMER:
You’ve got to know sometime. It might as well be now. 

---

Teddy’s killed a man!

---

## MARTHA:
Nonsense, dear.

---

## MORTIMER:
There’s a body in the window seat!

---

## ABBY:
Yes, dear, we know.

---

## MORTIMER:
You know?!

---

## MARTHA: 
Of course, dear, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.

---

## ABBY: 
Now, Mortimer, just forget about it—forget you ever saw the gentleman.

---

## MORTIMER:
Forget?!

---

## ABBY:
We never dreamed you’d peek.

---

## MORTIMER:
But who is he?

---

## ABBY:
His name’s Hoskins—Adam Hoskins.

---

That’s really all I know about him—except that he’s a Methodist.

---

## MORTIMER:
That’s all you know about him?

---

Well, what’s he doing here?

---

What happened to him?

---

## MARTHA:
He died.

---

## MORTIMER:
Aunt Martha, men don’t just get into window seats and die.

---

## ABBY:
No, he died first.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, how?

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Mortimer, don’t be so inquisitive. 

---

The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.

---

## MORTIMER:
How did the poison get in the wine?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, we put it in wine because it’s less noticeable—when it’s in tea it has a distinct color.

---

## MORTIMER:
You put it in the wine.

---

## ABBY:
Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat because Dr. Harper was coming.

---

## MORTIMER:
So you know what you’d done! You didn’t want Dr. Harper to see the body?

---

## ABBY:
Well, not at tea—that wouldn’t have been very nice.

---

Now, Mortimer, you know the whole thing, just forget about it.

---

I do think Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.

---

## MARTHA: 
And don’t you tell Elaine! Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz.

---

She’s much better but she would like us to take Junior to the movies again.

---

## ABBY:
Well, we must do that tomorrow or next day.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, but this time we’ll go where we want to go.

---

Junior’s not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.

---

## MORTIMER: 
City desk! Hello, Al, Do you know who this is?

---

That’s right.

---

Say, Al, when I left the office, I told you where I was going, remember?

---

—Well, where did I say?

---

Uh-huh. Well, it would take me about half an hour to get to Brooklyn.

---

What time have you got?

---

That’s right.

---

I must be here.

---

Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Come in here! What are we going to do?

---

What are we going to do?

---

## MARTHA:
What are we going to do about what, dear?

---

## MORTIMER:
There’s a body in there.

---

## ABBY:
Yes—Mr. Hoskins.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, good heavens, I can’t turn you over to the police! But what am I going to do?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, for one thing, dear, stop being so excited.

---

## ABBY:
And for pity’s sake stop worrying.

---

We told you to forget the whole thing.

---

## MORTIMER:
Forget! My dear Aunt Abby, can’t I make you realize that something has to be done?

---

## ABBY:
Now Mortimer, you behave yourself.

---

You’re too old to be flying off the handle like this.

---

## MORTIMER:
But Mr. Hotchkiss—

---

## ABBY:
Hoskins, dear.

---

## MORTIMER: 
Well, whatever his name is, you can’t leave him there.

---

## MARTHA:
We don’t intend to, dear.

---

## ABBY:
No, Teddy’s down in the cellar now digging the lock.

---

## MORTIMER:
You mean you’re going to bury Mr. Hotchkiss in the cellar?

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, yes, dear,-- that’s what we did with the others.

---

## MORTIMER:
No! You can’t bury Mr.—

---

others?

---

## ABBY: 
The other gentlemen.

---

## MORTIMER:
When you say others—do you mean—others?

---

More than one others?

---

## MARTHA:
Oh yes, dear. Let me see, this is eleven.

---

Isn’t it, Abby?

---

## ABBY:
No, dear, this makes twelve.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, I think you’re wrong, Abby. This is only eleven.

---

## ABBY:
No, dear because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he would make just an even dozen.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, you really shouldn’t count the first one.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, but I was counting the first one.

---

So that makes twelve.


---

[phone ringing]

---

## MORTIMER: 
Hello! Hello.

---

Oh, hello, Al.

---

My, it’s good to hear your voice.

---

## ABBY:
Well, anyway, they’re all down in the cellar—

---

## MORTIMER:
Ssshhh—Oh, no, Al. I’m sober as a lark.

---

I just called you because I was feeling a little Pirandello—Piran—you wouldn’t know, Al Look, I’m glad you called.

---

Get hold of George right away.

---

He’s got to review the play tonight. I can’t make it.

---

No, Al, you’re wrong.

---

I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.

---

Well, George has got to cover the play tonight! This is my department and I’m running it! You get ahold of George! Now let’s see, where were we?

---

TWELVE!

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, Abby thinks we ought to count the first one and that makes twelve.

---

## MORTIMER: 
All right—now—who was the first one?

---

## ABBY:
Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist.

---

## MARTHA:
Of course, I still think we can’t claim full credit for him because he just died.

---

## ABBY:
Martha means without any help from us.

---

You see, Mr. Midgely came here looking for a room—

---

## MARTHA:
It was right after you moved to New York.

---

## ABBY:
–And it didn’t seem right for that lovely room to be going to waste when there were so many people who needed it—

---

## MARTHA:
–He was such a lonely old man…

---

## ABBY:
All his kith and kin were dead and it left him so forlorn and unhappy—

---

## MARTHA:
–We felt so sorry for him.

---

## ABBY:
And then when his heart attack came—and he sat dead in the chair looking so peaceful.

---

Remember, Martha—we made up our minds then and there that if we could help other lonely old men to that same peace—we would!

---

## MORTIMER:
He dropped dead right in that chair! How awful for you!


---

## MARTHA:
Oh, no, dear. Why, it was rather like old times.

---

Your grandfather always used to have a cadaver or two around the house.

---

You see, Teddy had been digging in Panama and he thought Mr. Midgely was a Yellow Fever victim.

---

## ABBY:
That meant he had to be buried immediately.

---


## MARTHA:
So we all took him down to Panama and put him in the lock.

---

Now that’s why we told you not to worry about it because we know exactly what’s to be done.

---

## MORTIMER:
And that’s how all this started—that man walking in here and dropping dead?

---

## ABBY:
Of course, we realized we couldn’t depend on that happening again. So—

---

## MARTHA:
You remember those jars of poison that have been up on the shelves in Grandfather’s laboratory all these years?

---

## ABBY:
You know your Aunt Martha’s knack for mixing things. You’ve eaten enough of her piccalilli.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine I take one teaspoonful of arsenic, then add a half teaspoonful of strychnine and then just a pinch of cyanide.

---

## MORTIMER:
Should have quite a kick.

---

## ABBY:
Yes! As a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found time say “How delicious!”

---

[nervous laughter]

---

## MARTHA:
Well, I’ll have to get things started in the kitchen.

---

## ABBY:
I wish you could stay for dinner.

---

## MARTHA:
I’m trying a new recipe.

---

## MORTIMER:
I couldn’t eat a thing.

---

## ABBY:
I’ll come and help you, dear.

---

Well, I feel so much better now. Oh, you have to wait for Elaine, don’t you?

---

How happy you must be.

---

Well, dear, I’ll leave you alone with your thoughts.

---

[hums bridle march]

---

[tense bassoon music]

---

[door chime]

---

## MORTIMER: 
Oh, it’s you.

---

## ELAINE: 
Don’t be cross, darling.

---

Father could see that I was excited—so I told him about us and that made it hard for me to get away.

---

But listen, darling—he’s not going to wait up for me tonight.

---

## MORTIMER:
You run along home, Elaine, and I’ll call you up tomorrow.

---

## ELAINE:
Tomorrow!


---

## MORTIMER:
You know I always call you up every day or two.

---

## ELAINE:
But we’re going to the theatre tonight.

---

## MORTIMER:
No—no we’re not!

---

## ELAINE:
Well, why not?

---

## MORTIMER:
Elaine, something’s come up.

---

## ELAINE:
What, darling?

---

Mortimer—you’ve lost your job!

---

## MORTIMER:
No—no—I haven’t lost my job.

---

I’m just not covering that play tonight. Now you run along home, Elaine.

---

## ELAINE:
But I’ve got to know what’s happened. Certainly you can tell me.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, dear, I can’t.

---

## ELAINE:
But it we’re going to be married.

---

## MORTIMER:
Married?

---

## ELAINE:
Have you forgotten that not fifteen minutes ago you proposed to me?

---

## MORTIMER:
I did?

---

Oh—yes! Well, as far as I know that’s still on.

---

Now you run along home, Elaine.

---

I’ve got to do something.

---

## ELAINE:
Listen, you can’t propose to me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’m not throwing you out of the house, darling.

---

Will you get out of here?

---

## ELAINE:
No, I won’t get out of here.

---

Not until I’ve had some kind of explanation.

---

[phone ringing]

---

## MORTIMER: 
Hello! Oh, hello.

---

Hold on a minute, will you?

---

—All right, it’s important! But it can wait a minute, can’t it? Hold on! 

---

Look, Elaine, you’re a sweet girl and I love you.

---

But I have something on my mind now and I want you to go home and wait until I call you.

---

## ELAINE:
Don’t try to be masterful.

---

## MORTIMER:
When we’re married and I have problems to face I hope you’re less tedious and uninspired!

---

## ELAINE:
And when we’re married—if we’re married—I hope find you adequate! 

---

## MORTIMER: 
Elaine! Elaine!

---

[door chime]

---

Hello. Hello, Al? Hello?

---

## ABBY:
That’s the doorbell, dear, not the telephone.

---

How do you do? Come in.

---

## GIBBS:
I understand you have a room to rent.

---

## ABBY:
Yes. Won’t you step in?

---

## GIBBS:
Are you the lady of the house?

---

## ABBY:
Yes, I’m Miss Brewster. And this is my sister, another Miss Brewster.

---

## GIBBS:
My name is Gibbs.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, won’t you sit down.

---

I’m sorry we were just setting the table for dinner.

---

## MORTIMER:
Hello—let me talk to Al again.

---

City desk. AL! CITY DESK! WHAT?

---

I’m sorry, wrong number.

---

## GIBBS:
May I see the room?

---

## MARTHA:
Why don’t you sit down a minute and let’s get acquainted.

---

## GIBBS:
That won’t do much good if I don’t like the room.

---

## ABBY:
Is Brooklyn your home?

---

## GIBBS:
Haven’t got a home. Live in a hotel. Don’t like it.

---

## MORTIMER:
Hello. City desk.

---

## MARTHA:
Are yor family Brooklyn people?

---

## GIBBS:
Haven’t got any family.

---

## ABBY:
All alone in the world?

---

## GIBBS:
Yep.

---

## ABBY:
Well, Martha—Well, you’ve come to just the right house.

---

Do sit down.

---

## MORTIMER:
Hello, Al? It's Mort. We got cut off.

---

Al, I can’t cover the play tonight—that’s all there is to it, I can’t!

---

## MARTHA:
What church do you go to?

---

There’s an Episcopal church practically next door.

---

## GIBBS:
I’m a Presbyterian. Used to be.

---

## MORTIMER:
What’s George doing in Bermuda?

---

Certainly I told him he could go to Bermuda—it’s my department, isn’t it?

---

Well, you’ve got to get somebody. Who else is there around the office?

---

## GIBBS:
Is there always this much noise?

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, he doesn’t live with us.

---

## MORTIMER:
There must be somebody around the place.

---

Look, Al, how about the office boy?

---

You know the bright one—the one we don’t like?

---

Well, you look around the office, I’ll hold on.

---

## GIBBS:
I’d really like to see the room.

---

## ABBY:
It’s upstairs.

---

Won’t you try a glass of our wine before we start up?

---

## GIBBS:
Never touch it.

---

## MARTHA:
We make this ourselves.

---

It’s elderberry wine.

---

## GIBBS:
Elderberry wine.

---

I haven’t tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.

---

Thank you.

---

## MORTIMER: 
Well, there must be some printers around.

---

Look, Al, the fellows who sets my copy.

---

He ought to know about what I’d write.

---

His name's George. He’s third machine from the left.

---

But, Al, he might turn out to be another Burns Mantle!

---

## GIBBS:
Do you have your own elderberry bushes?

---

## MARTHA:
No, but the cemetery is full of them.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, I’m not drinking, but I’m going to start now.

---

## GIBBS:
Do you serve any meals?

---

## ABBY:
We might, but first just see whether you like our wine.

---

## MARTHA:
Mortimer! Eh eh eh eh! Eh eh eh eh!

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer! Not that.

---

[loud yell]

---

[another loud yell]

---

[one more loud yell]

---

[door slam]

---

[one last yell]

---

## ABBY:
Now you’ve spoiled everything.

---

## MORTIMER: 
You can’t do things like that.

---

I don’t know how to explain this to you, but it’s not only against the law, it’s wrong!

---

It’s not a nice thing to do.

---

People wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t understand!

---

## MARTHA:
Abby, we shouldn’t have told Mortimer!


---

## MORTIMER:
What I mean is—well, this has developed into a very bad habit.

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer, we don’t try to stop you from doing things you like to do.

---

I don’t see why you should interfere with us.

---

[phone ringing]

---

## MORTIMER:
What!?

---

All right, I’ll see the first act and I’ll pan the hell out of it.

---

But look, Al, you’ve got to do something for me.

---

Get a hold of O’Brien—our lawyer, the head of our legal department.

---

Have him meet me at the theatre.

---

Now, don’t let me down.

---

OK I’m starting now.

---

Look, I’ve got to go to the theatre, I can’t get out of it.

---

But, before I go will you promise me something?

---

## MARTHA:
We’d have to know what it was first.

---

## MORTIMER:
I love you very much and I know you love me.

---

You know I’d do anything in the world for you and I want you to do just this little thing for me.

---

## ABBY:
What do you want us to do?

---

## MORTIMER:
Don’t do anything.

---

I mean don’t do anything. Don’t let anyone in this house—and leave Mr. Hoskins right where he is.

---

## MARTHA:
Why?

---

## MORTIMER:
I want time to think—and I’ve got quite a little to think about.

---

You know I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.

---

## ABBY:
Well, what on earth could happen to us?

---

## MORTIMER:
Anyway—you’ll do this for me, won’t you?

---

## MARTHA:
Well—we were planning on holding services before dinner.

---

## MORTIMER:
Services!

---

## MARTHA:
Certainly. You don’t think we’d bury Mr. Hoskins without a full Methodist service, do you?

---

Why he was a Methodist.

---

## MORTIMER:
But can’t that wait until I get back?

---

## ABBY:
Oh, then you could join us.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes! Yes!

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Mortimer, you’ll enjoy the services—especially the hymns.

---

Remember how beautifully Mortimer used to sing in the choir before his voice changed?

---

## MORTIMER:
And remember, you’re not going to let anyone in the house while I’m gone—it’s a promise!

---

## MARTHA:
Well—

---

## ABBY:
Oh Martha, we can do that now that Mortimer’s cooperating with us.

---

Well, all right, Mortimer.

---

## MORTIMER:
Have you some paper?

---

I’ll get back just as soon as I can.

---

There’s a man I’ve got to see.

---

## ABBY:
Here’s some stationary.

---

Will this do?

---

## MORTIMER:
That’ll be fine.

---

I can save time if I write my review on the way to the theatre.

---

## MARTHA: 
Mortimer didn’t seem quite himself today.

---

## ABBY:
Well, that’s only natural—I think I know why.

---

## MARTHA:
Why?

---

## ABBY:
He’s become engaged to be married.

---

I suppose that always makes a man nervous.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, I’m so happy for Elaine—and their honeymoon ought to give Mortimer a real vacation.

---

I don’t think he got much rest this summer.

---

## ABBY:
Well, at least he didn’t go kiting off to China or Spain.

---

## MARTHA:
I could never understand why he wanted to go to those places.

---

## ABBY:
Well, I think to Mortimer the theatre has always seemed pretty small potatoes.

---

He needs something big to criticize—something like the human race.

---

## MARTHA: 
Oh, Abby, if Mortimer’s coming back for the services for Mr. Hoskins, we’ll need another hymnal.

---

There’s one in my room.

---

## ABBY: 
You know, dear, it’s really my turn to read the services, but since you weren’t here when Mr. Hoskins came, I want you to do it.

---

## MARTHA:
That’s very nice of you, dear—but, are you sure you want me to?

---

## ABBY:
It’s only fair.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, I think I’ll wear my black bombazine and Mother’s old brooch.

---

## ABBY: 
I’ll go, dear.

---

[door chime]

---

## MARTHA:
We promised Mortimer we wouldn’t let anyone in.

---

## ABBY:
Who do you suppose it is?

---

## MARTHA:
Wait a minute, I’ll look.

---

It’s two men—and I’ve never seen them before.

---

## ABBY:
Are you sure?

---

## MARTHA:
There’s a car at the curb—they must have come in that.

---

## ABBY:
Let me look! 

---

## MARTHA: 
Do you recognize them?

---

## ABBY:
They’re strangers to me.

---

## MARTHA:
We’ll just have to pretend we’re not at home.

---

[low, ominous underscore, piano, violin]

---

[rattling of the door knob]

---

[creaking door]

---

[low, ominous underscore, piano, violin]

---

## JONATHAN:
Come in, Doctor.

---

This is the home of my youth.

---

As a boy I couldn’t wait to escape from this place—now I’m glad to escape back into it.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yah, Chonny, it’s a fine hideout.

---

## JONATHAN:
The family must still live here.

---

There’s something so unmistakably Brewster about the Brewsters.

---

I hope there’s a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yah, I’m hungry.

---

Look, Chonny, drinks! 

---

[laughter, clinking glasses]

---

## ABBY: 
Who are you?

---

What are you doing here?

---

## JONATHAN:
Why, Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! It’s Jonathan.

---

[screaming]

---

## MARTHA: 
You get out of here.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’m Jonathan—your nephew, Jonathan.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, no, you’re not.

---

You’re nothing like Jonathan, so don’t pretend you are! You just get out of here!

---

## JONATHAN:
But I am Jonathan.

---

And this is Dr. Einstein. 

---

## ABBY: 
And he’s not Dr. Einstein either.

---

## JONATHAN:
Not Dr. Albert Einstein—Dr. Herman Einstein.

---

## ABBY:
Who are you?

---

You’re not our nephew, Jonathan.

---

## JONATHAN:
I see you’re still wearing the lovely garnet ring that Grandma Brewster bought in England.

---

And you, Aunt Martha, still the high collar—to hide the scare where Grandfather’s acid burned you.

---

## MARTHA:
His voice is like Jonathan’s.

---

## ABBY:
Have you been in an accident?

---

## JONATHAN: 
No—my face—Dr. Einstein is responsible for that. 

---

He’s a plastic surgeon. He changes people’s faces. 

---

## MARTHA: 
But I’ve seen that face before.

---

Abby, remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies and I was so frightened?

---

It was that face!

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Easy, Chonny—easy! Don’t worry, ladies.

---

The last five years I give Chonny three new faces.

---

I give him another one right away.

---

The last face—well, I saw that picture too—just before I operate.

---

And I was intoxicated.

---

## JONATHAN:
You see, Doctor—you see what you’ve done to me.

---

Even my own family—

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny—you’re home—in this lovely house—How often he tells me about Brooklyn—this house—about his aunts that he lofes so much.

---

They know you, Chonny.

---

You know it’s Jonathan.

---

Speak to him.

---

Tell him so.

---

## ABBY: 
Well—Jonathan—it’s been a long time—what have you been doing all these years?

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, Jonathan, where have you been.

---

## JONATHAN:
Oh, England, South Africa, Australia, the last five years Chicago.

---

Dr. Einstein and I were in business together.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, we were in Chicago for the World’s Fair.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes—we found Chicago awfully warm.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yah—it got hot for us too.

---

## JONATHAN:
Well, it’s wonderful to be in Brooklyn again.

---

And you—Abby—Martha you don’t look a day older.

---

Just as I remembered you—sweet—charming—hospitable.

---

And dear Teddy—did he get into politics?

---

My little brother, Doctor, was determined to become President.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Teddy’s fine! Just fine! And Mortimer’s well too.

---

## JONATHAN:
I know about Mortimer.

---

I’ve seen his picture at the head of his column.

---

He’s evidently fulfilled all the promise of his early nasty nature.

---

## ABBY:
We’re very fond of Mortimer.

---

## MARTHA:
Well, Jonathan, it’s very nice to have seen you again.

---

## JONATHAN:
Bless you, Aunt Martha.

---

It’s good to be home again.

---

## ABBY:
Well, Martha, we mustn’t let what’s on the stove boil over.

---

## MARTHA: 
Yes. If you’ll excuse us for a minute, Jonathan.

---

Unless you’re in a hurry to go somewhere.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Well, Chonny, where do we go from here?

---

We got to think fast.

---

The police. The police have got pictures of that face.

---

I got to operate on you right away.

---

We got to find some place for that—and we got to find a place for Mr. Spenalzo too.

---

## JONATHAN:
Don’t waste any worry on that.

---

## EINSTEIN:
But, Chonny, we got a hot stiff on our hands.

---

## JONATHAN:
He said I looked like Boris Karloff! That’s your work, Doctor.

---

You did that to me!

---

## EINSTEIN:
Now, Chonny—we find a place somewhere—I’ll fix you up quick!

---

## JONATHAN:
Tonight!

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny—I got to eat first. I’m hungry—I’m weak.

---

## ABBY:
Jonathan—we’re glad that you remembered us and took the trouble to come in and say “Hello”.

---

But you were never happy in this house and we were never happy while you were in it—so, we’ve just come in to say goodbye.

---

## JONATHAN: 
Aunt Abby, I can’t say that your feeling toward me comes as a surprise.

---

I’ve spent a great many hours regretting the many heartaches I must have given you as a boy.

---

## ABBY:
You were quite a trial to us, Jonathan.

---

## JONATHAN: 
But my great disappointment is for Dr. Einstein.

---

I promised him that no matter how rushed we were in passing through Brooklyn, 

---

I’d take the time bring him here for one of Aunt Martha’s home-cooked dinners.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh…

---

## ABBY:
I’m sorry I’m afraid there wouldn’t be enough.

---

## MARTHA:
Abby, it’s a pretty good-sized pot roast.

---

## JONATHAN:
Pot roast!

---

## MARTHA:
It's the least we can do is to—

---

## JONATHAN:
Thank you, Aunt Martha! We’ll stay to dinner.

---

## ABBY:
Well, we’ll hurry it along.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes! 

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Jonathan, if you want to freshen up—why don’t you use the washroom in Grandfather’s old laboratory.

---

## JONATHAN:
Is that still there?

---

## ABBY:
Oh, yes. Just as he left it.

---

Well, I’ll help Martha get things started—since we’re all in a hurry.

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Well, we get a meal anyway.

---

## JONATHAN:
Grandfather’s laboratory? And just as it was.

---

Doctor, a perfect operating room.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Too bad we can’t use it.

---

## JONATHAN: 
After you’ve finished with me—Why we could make a fortune here.

---

The laboratory—that large ward in the attic—ten beds, Doctor—and Brooklyn is crying for your talents.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Vy vork yourself up, Chonny?

---

Anyway, for Brooklyn I think we’re a year too late.

---

## JONATHAN:
You don’t know this town, Doctor.

---

Practically everybody in Brooklyn needs a new face.

---

## EINSTEIN:
But so many of the old faces are locked up.

---

## JONATHAN:
A very small percentage—and the boys in Brooklyn are famous for paying generously to stay out of jail.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Take it easy, Chonny, your aunts—they don’t want us here.

---

## JONATHAN:
We’re here for dinner, aren’t we?

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yah—but after dinner?

---

## JONATHAN:
Leave it to me, Doctor.

---

I’ll handle it.

---

Why, this house’ll be our headquarters for years.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Oh, that would be beautiful, Chonny?

---

This nice quiet house.

---

Those aunts of yours—what sweet ladies.

---

I love them already.

---

I get the bags, yah!

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor! We must wait until we’re invited.

---

## EINSTEIN:
But you chust said that—

---

## JONATHAN:
We’ll be invited.

---

## EINSTEIN:
And if they say no-- ?

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor—two helpless old women-- ?

---

[laughter]

---

## EINSTEIN: 
It’s like comes true a beautiful dream—Only I hope you’re not dreaming.

---

It’s so peaceful.

---

[long, loud bugle blow, discordant, awful]

---

## TEDDY: 
CHARGE! 

---

<!-- ACT II -->

---

[upbeat jazz music]

---

## JONATHAN: 
Yes, Aunties, those five years in Chicago were amongst the busiest and happiest of my life.

---

## EINSTEIN:
And from Chicago go to South Bend, Indiana.

---

## JONATHAN: 
They wouldn’t be interested in our experience in Indiana.

---

## ABBY:
Well, Jonathan, you’ve led a very interesting life, I’m sure—but we really shouldn’t have allowed you to talk so late.

---

## JONATHAN: 
My meeting Dr. Einstein in London, I might say, changed the whole course of my life.

---

You remember I had been in South Africa, in the diamond business—then Amsterdam, the diamond market.

---

I wanted to go back to South Africa—and Dr. Einstein made it possible for me.

---

## EINSTEIN:
A good job, Chonny.

---

When we take off the bandages—his face look so different, the nurse had to introduce me.

---

## JONATHAN:
I loved that face.

---

I still carry the picture with me.

---

## ABBY: 
This looks more the way you used to look, but still I wouldn’t know you.

---

## JONATHAN:
I think we’ll go back to that face, Doctor.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yah, it’s safe now.

---

## ABBY:
Well, I know you both want to get to—where you’re going.

---

## JONATHAN:
My dear aunts—I’m so full of that delicious dinner I’m unable to move a muscle.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yah, it’s nice here.

---

## MARTHA:
After all—it’s very late and—

---

## TEDDY:
I found it! I found it!

---

## JONATHAN:
What did you find, Teddy?

---

## TEDDY:
The story of my life—my biography.

---

Here’s the picture I was telling you about, General.

---

Here we are, both of us.

---

“President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut."

---

That’s me, General, and that’s you.

---

## EINSTEIN:
My how I’ve changed.

---

## TEDDY: 
Well, you see that picture hasn’t been taken yet.

---

We haven’t even started work on Culebra Cut.

---

We’re digging locks.

---

And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock.

---

## ABBY:
No, Teddy—not to Panama.

---

## EINSTEIN:
We go some other time.

---

Panama’s a long way off.

---

## TEDDY:
Nonsense, it’s just down in the cellar.

---

## JONATHAN:
The cellar?

---

## MARTHA:
We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar.

---

## TEDDY:
General Goethals, as President of the United States, Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy and the man who gave you this job, 

---

I demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock.

---

## JONATHAN:
Teddy! I think it’s time you went to bed.

---

## TEDDY:
I beg your pardon! Who are you?

---

## JONATHAN:
I’m Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed.

---

## TEDDY:
No you’re not Wilson.

---

But your face is familiar.

---

Let me see—You’re not anyone I know now.

---

Perhaps later—on my hunting trip to Africa-- yes you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.

---

## ABBY:
It’s your brother, Jonathan, dear.

---

## MARTHA:
He’s had his face changed.

---

## TEDDY:
SO that’s it—a nature faker!

---

## ABBY:
And perhaps you had better go to bed, Teddy—Jonathan and his friend have to go back to the hotel.

---

## JONATHAN: 
General Goethals, inspect the canal.

---

## EINSTEIN: 
All right, Mr. President. We go to Panama.

---

## TEDDY:
Bully! Bully! Follow me, General.

---

It’s down south you know.

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Well—bon voyage.

---

## JONATHAN: 
Aunt Abby, I must correct your misapprehension.

---

You spoke of our hotel.

---

We have no hotel.

---

We came directly here—

---

## MARTHA:
Well, there’s a very nice little hotel just three blocks down the—

---

## JONATHAN:
Aunt Martha, this is my home.

---

## ABBY:
But Jonathan, you can’t stay here. We need our rooms.

---

## JONATHAN:
You need them?

---

## ABBY:
Yes, for our lodgers.

---

## JONATHAN:
Are there lodgers in this house?

---

## MARTHA:
Well, not just now, but we plan to have some.

---

## JONATHAN:
Then my old room is still free.

---

## ABBY:
But, Jonathan, there’s no place for Dr. Einstein.

---

## JONATHAN:
He’ll share the room with me.

---

## ABBY:
No, Jonathan, I’m afraid you can’t stay here.

---

## JONATHAN: 
Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

---

You remembered, this afternoon, that as a boy I could be disagreeable.

---

It wouldn’t be very pleasant for any of us if—

---

## MARTHA:
Perhaps we’d better let them stay here tonight—

---

## ABBY:
Well, just overnight, Jonathan.

---

## JONATHAN:
That’s settled.

---

Now, if you’ll get my room ready—

---

## MARTHA:
It only needs airing out.

---

## ABBY:
We keep it ready to show our lodgers.

---

I think you and Dr. Einstein will find it comfortable.

---

## JONATHAN:
You have a most distinguished guest in Dr. Einstein.

---

I’m afraid you don’t appreciate his skill. But, you will.

---

In a few weeks you’ll see me looking like a very different Jonathan.

---

## MARTHA:
He can’t operate on you here.

---

## JONATHAN:
When Dr. Einstein and I get organized—when we resume practice—Oh, I forgot to tell you.

---

We’re turning Grandfather’s laboratory into an operating room.

---

We expect to be quite busy.

---

## ABBY:
Jonathan, we will not let you turn this house into a hospital.

---

## JONATHAN:
A hospital—heavens no! It will be a beauty parlor.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Hey, Chonny, down in the cellar—

---

## JONATHAN: 
Dr. Einstein—my dear aunts have invited us to live with them.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Oh, you fixed it?

---

## ABBY:
Well, you’re sleeping here tonight.

---

## JONATHAN:
Please get our room ready immediately.

---

## MARTHA:
Well—

---

## ABBY:
For tonight.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny, when I go down in the cellar, what do you think I find?

---

## JONATHAN:
What?

---

## EINSTEIN:
The Panama Canal.

---

## JONATHAN:
The Panama Canal.

---

## EINSTEIN:
It just fits Mr. Spenalzo.

---

It’s a hole Teddy dug. Six feet long and four feet wide.

---

## JONATHAN:
Down there!


---

## EINSTEIN:
You’d think they knew we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo along. That’s hospitality.

---

## JONATHAN:
Rather a good joke on my aunts—their living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.

---

## EINSTEIN:
How do we get him in?

---

## JONATHAN: 
Yes.

---

We can’t just walk him through the door.

---

We’ll drive the car up between the house and the cemetery—then when they’ve gone to bed, we’ll bring Mr. Spenalzo in through the window.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Bed! Just think, we’ve got a bed tonight! 

---

## JONATHAN: 
Easy, Doctor. Remember you’re operating tomorrow.

---

And this time you’d better be sober.

---

## EINSTEIN:
I fix you up beautiful.

---

## JONATHAN:
And if you don’t—

---

## ABBY: 
Jonathan! Your room is ready.

---

## JONATHAN:
Then you can go to bed.

---

We’re moving the car up behind the house.

---

## MARTHA:
Its all right where it is—until morning.

---

## JONATHAN:
I don’t want to leave it in the street—that might be against the law.

---

## MARTHA: 
Abby, what are we going to do?

---

## ABBY:
Well, we’re not going to let them stay more than one night in this house for one thing.

---

What would the neighbors think?

---

People coming in here with one face and going out with another.

---

## MARTHA: 
What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Mr. Hoskins.

---

It can’t be very comfortable for him in there.

---

And he’s been so patient, the poor dear.

---

Well, I think Teddy had better get Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.

---

## MARTHA:
Abby—I will not invite Jonathan to the funeral services.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, no We’ll wait until they’ve gone to bed and then come down and hold the services.

---

## TEDDY:
General Goethals was very pleased.

---

He says the Canal is just the right size.

---

## ABBY:
Teddy! Teddy, there’s been another Yellow Fever victim.

---

## TEDDY:
Dear me—this will be a shock to the General.

---

## MARTHA:
Then we mustn’t tell him about it.

---

## TEDDY:
But it’s his department.

---

## ABBY:
No, we mustn’t tell him, Teddy. It would just spoil his visit.

---

## TEDDY:
I’m sorry, Aunt Abby, it’s out of my hands—he’ll have to be told.

---

Army regulations, you know.

---

## ABBY:
No, Teddy, we  keep it a secret.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes!

---

## TEDDY:
A state secret?

---

## ABBY:
Yes, a state secret.

---

## MARTHA:
Promise?

---

## TEDDY:
You have the word of the President of the United States.

---

Cross my heart and hope to die.

---

Now, let’s see—how are we going to keep it secret?

---

## ABBY:
Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when I turn out the lights—when it’s all dark—you come up and take the poor man down to the Canal.

---

## MARTHA:
And we’ll come down later and hold services.

---

## TEDDY:
You may announce the President will say a few words.

---

Where is the poor devil?

---

## MARTHA:
He’s in the window seat.

---

## TEDDY:
It seems to be spreading.

---

We’ve never had Yellow Fever there before.

---

## ABBY: 
Martha, when Jonathan and Dr. Einstein come back, let’s see if we can get them to go to bed right away.

---

## MARTHA:
Yes, then by the time they’re asleep, we’ll be dressed for the funeral.

---

Abby, I’ve never even seen Mr. Hoskins.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, my goodness, that’s right—you were out.

---

Well, you just come right over and see him now.

---

He’s really very nice looking—considering he’s a Methodist.

---

[screaming]

---

## JONATHAN: 
We’re bringing—the luggage through here.

---

## ABBY:
Jonathan, your room’s waiting for you.

---

You can go right up.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’m afraid we don’t keep Brooklyn hours—but you two run along to bed.

---

## ABBY:
Now, you must be very tired both of you—and we don’t go to bed this early.

---

## JONATHAN:
Well, you should.

---

It’s time I came home to take care of you.

---

## MARTHA:
We weren’t planning to go until—

---

## JONATHAN:
Aunt Martha, did you hear me say go to bed! 

---

The instruments can go to the laboratory in the morning.

---

Now, then, we’re all going to bed.

---

## ABBY:
I’ll wait till you’re up, then turn out the lights.

---

## JONATHAN:
Another flight, Doctor.

---

Run along, Aunt Martha.

---

All right, Aunt Abby.

---

## ABBY:
I’ll be right up.

---

## JONATHAN:
Now, Aunt Abby.

---

Turn out the lights!

---

[underscore, sneaky jazz]

---

[grunting]

---

[crashing sound]

---

[underscore, sneaky jazz]

---

[crashing sound]

---

## EINSTEIN:
All right, Chonny.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’ll get the window open.

---

You go around and hand him through.

---

## EINSTEIN:
No, he’s too heavy for me.

---

You go outside and push—I stay here and pull.

---

Then together we get him down to Panama.

---

## JONATHAN:
All right. I’ll take a look around outside our home.

---

When I tap on the glass, you open the window.

---

## EINSTEIN:
All right.

---

We left dis open?

---

Dummkopf! 

---

Chonny? OK.

---

Allez Oop.

---

[grunting]

---

Wait—wait a minute.

---

You lost a leg somewhere—Ach—now I got him.

---

Come on—ugh—That was me, Chonny.

---

I schlepped.

---

## JONATHAN:
Be more careful.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Well, his foot came off.

---

All right, Chonny.

---

I got him! 

---

[doorbell chime]

---

Chonny! Somebody at the door.

---

Go quick.

---

No, I manage here—go quick!

---

[grunting]

---

[door creaking]

---

## ELAINE: 
Miss Abby! Miss Martha! Miss Abby! Miss Martha! 

---

[door slam]

---

Uhhh! Who is it?

---

Is that you, Teddy?

---

Who are you?

---

## JONATHAN:
Who are you?

---

## ELAINE: 
I’m Elaine Harper—I live next door!

---

## JONATHAN:
Then what are you doing here?

---

## ELAINE:
I came over to see Miss Abby and Miss Martha.

---

## JONATHAN:
Turn on the lights, Doctor.

---

[loud scream]

---

You chose rather an untimely moment for a social call.

---

## ELAINE: 
I think you'd better explain what you're doing here.

---

## JONATHAN:
We happen to live here.

---

## ELAINE:
You don't live here.

---

I’m in this house every day and I’ve never seen you before.

---

Where are Miss Abby and Miss Martha?

---

What have you done to them?

---

## JONATHAN:
Perhaps we’d better introduce ourselves.

---

This is Dr. Einstein.

---

## ELAINE:
Dr. Einstein?

---

## JONATHAN: 
A surgeon of great distinction—–and something of a magician.

---

## ELAINE:
And I suppose you’re going to tell me you’re both Boris Kar--  

---

## JONATHAN:
I’m Jonathan Brewster.

---

## ELAINE:
Oh—you’re Jonathan!

---

## JONATHAN:
I see you’ve heard of me.

---

## ELAINE:
Yes – just this afternoon for the first time.

---

## JONATHAN:
And what did they say about me? 

---

## ELAINE:
Only that there was another brother named Jonathan—that’s all that was said.

---

Well, that explains everything.

---

Now that I know who you are—I’ll be running along back home.

---

[yelling]

---

## JONATHAN:
“That explains everything”?

---

Just what did you mean by that?

---

Why did you come here at this time of night?

---

## ELAINE:
I thought I saw someone prowling around the house. I suppose it was you.

---

## JONATHAN:
You thought you saw someone prowling around the house?

---

## ELAINE:
Yes—weren’t you outside? Isn’t that your car?

---

## JONATHAN:
You saw someone at the car?

---

## ELAINE:
Yes.

---

## JONATHAN:
What else did you see?

---

## ELAINE: 
Just someone walking around the house to the car.

---

## JONATHAN:
What else did you see?

---

## ELAINE:
Just that—that’s all.

---

That’s why I came over here. I wanted to tell Miss Abby to call the police.

---

But, if it was you, and that’s your car, I don’t need to bother Miss Abby.

---

I’ll be running along.

---

## JONATHAN: 
What was the man doing at the car?

---

## ELAINE:
I don’t know. You see I was on my way over here.

---

## JONATHAN:
I think she’s lying.

---

Breaking into a house this time of night.

---

I think she’s dangerous.

---

She shouldn’t be allowed around loose.

---

## ELAINE: 
Take your hands off me—

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor—

---

## TEDDY:
It’s going to be a private funeral.

---

## ELAINE: 
Teddy! Teddy! Tell these men who I am.

---

## TEDDY:
That’s my daughter—Alice.

---

## ELAINE: 
No! No! Teddy!

---

## TEDDY:
CHARGE!

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor! Your handkerchief! The cellar!

---

[screaming]

---

## ABBY:
What’s the matter?

---

## MARTHA:
What’s happening down there?

---

## ABBY: 
What’s the matter? What are you doing?

---

## JONATHAN:
We caught a burglar—a sneak thief.

---

Go back to your room.

---

## ABBY:
We’ll call the police.

---

## JONATHAN:
We’ve called the police.

---

We’ll handle this.

---

Go back to your room.

---

Do you hear me?

---

[yelling, screaming]

---

## ELAINE:
Mortimer! Where have you been?

---

## MORTIMER:
To the Nora Bayes Theatre and I should have known better.

---

My God!—I’m still there.

---

## ABBY:
This is your brother Jonathan—and this is Dr. Einstein.

---

## MORTIMER:
I know this isn’t a nightmare, but what is it?

---

## JONATHAN:
I’ve come back home, Mortimer.

---

## MORTIMER:
Who did you say this was?

---

## ABBY:
It’s your brother, Jonathan.

---

He’s had his face changed. Dr. Einstein performed the operation.

---

## MORTIMER:
Jonathan! Jonathan, you always were a horror, but do you have to look like one?

---

## EINSTEIN:
Easy Chonny! Easy.

---

## JONATHAN:
Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used to do to you when we were boys?

---

Remember the time you were tied to the bedpost—the needles under your fingernails--?

---

## MORTIMER:
By God, it is Jonathan—Yes, I remember.

---

I remember you as the most detestable, vicious, venomous form of animal life I ever knew.

---

## ABBY:
Now don’t you two boys start quarrelling again the minute you’ve seen each other.

---

## MORTIMER:
There won’t be any fight, Aunt Abby.

---

Jonathan, you’re not wanted here—get out!

---

## JONATHAN:
Dr. Einstein and I have been invited to stay.

---

## MORTIMER:
Not in this house.

---

## ABBY:
Just for tonight.

---

## MORTIMER:
I don’t want him anywhere near me.

---

## ABBY:
But we did invite them for the tonight, and it wouldn’t be very mice to go back on our word.

---

## MORTIMER:
All right, tonight.

---

But the first thing in the morning—out! I’m sleeping in that room.

---

I’m here to stay.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh, Mortimer. I’m so glad.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny, we sleep down here.

---

## MORTIMER:
You bet your life you sleep down here.

---

## EINSTEIN:
You sleep on the sofa and I sleep on the window seat.

---

## MORTIMER:
The window seat! Oh, well, let’s not argue about it.

---

The window seat’s good enough for me tonight. I’ll sleep on the window seat.

---

## EINSTEIN: 
You know, Chonny—all this argument—it makes me think of Mr. Spenalzo.

---

## JONATHAN: 
Spenalzo! 

---

Well, now, Mortimer—It really isn’t necessary to inconvenience you like this.

---

We'll sleep down here.

---

## MORTIMER:
Jonathan, your sudden consideration for me is very unconvincing.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Come along, Chonny. We get our things out of the room, eh?

---

## MORTIMER:
Don’t bother, Doctor!

---

## JONATHAN:
By the way, Doctor, I’ve completely lost track of Mr. Spenalzo.

---

## MORTIMER:
Who’s this Mr. Spenalzo?

---

## EINSTEIN:
Just a friend of ours Chonny’s been looking for.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, don’t bring anyone else in here!

---

## EINSTEIN:
It’s all right, Chonny.

---

While we pack I tell you all about it.

---

## ABBY: 
Mortimer, you don’t have to sleep down here, I can go in with Martha and you can take my room.

---

## JONATHAN:
No trouble at all, Aunt Abby.

---

We’ll be packed in a few minutes.

---

And then you can have the room, Mortimer.

---

## MORTIMER: 
You’re wasting your time—I told you I’m sleeping down here.

---

## ELAINE: 
Mortimer!

---

## MORTIMER:
What’s the matter with you, dear?

---

## ELAINE:
I’ve almost been killed.

---

## MORTIMER:
You’ve almost been—Abby! Martha!

---

## MARTHA:
No! It was Jonathan.

---

## ABBY:
He mistook her for a sneak-thief.

---

## ELAINE:
NO, it was more than that. He’s some kind of maniac.

---

Mortimer, I’m afraid of him.

---

## MORTIMER:
Why, darling, you’re trembling. Have you got any smelling salts?

---

## MARTHA:
No, but do you think some hot tea, or coffee--?

---

## MORTIMER:
Coffee. Make some for me, too—and some sandwiches.

---

I haven’t had any dinner.

---

## MARTHA:
We’ll make something for both of you.

---

## ABBY:
Martha, we can leave our hats downstairs here, now.

---

## MORTIMER:
You weren’t going out somewhere, were you?

---

Do you know what time it is? It’s after twelve.

---

TWELVE! Elaine, you’ve got to go home!

---

## ELAINE: 
Whaa—t?

---

## ABBY:
Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won’t take a minute.

---

## MARTHA: 
Why, don’t you remember—we wanted to celebrate your engagement?

---

That’s what we’ll do dear.

---

We’ll make a nice supper for both of you.

---

And we’ll open a bottle of wine! 

---

## MORTIMER: 
All right.

---

No WINE! 

---

## ELAINE: 
Mortimer? What’s going on in this house?

---

## MORTIMER:
What do you mean—what’s going on in this house?

---

## ELAINE:
You were supposed to take me to dinner and the theatre tonight—you called it off.

---

You asked me to marry you—I said I would—and five minutes later you threw me out of the house.

---

Tonight, just after your brother tries to strangle me, you want to chase me home.

---

Now listen, Mr. Brewster—before I go home, I want to know where I stand.

---

Do you love me?

---

## MORTIMER:
I love you very much, Elaine.

---

In fact I love you so much I can’t marry you.

---

## ELAINE:
Have you suddenly gone crazy?

---

## MORTIMER:
I don’t think so but it’s just a matter of time.

---

You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

---

That’s why I can’t marry you dear.

---

## ELAINE:
Now wait a minute, you’ve got to do better than that.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, dear—there’s a strange taint in the Brewster blood.

---

If you really knew my family it’s—well—it’s what you’d expect if Strindberg had written. 

---

## ELAINE: 
Now just because Teddy is a little—


---

## MORTIMER:
No, it goes way back.

---

The first Brewster—the one who came over on the Mayflower.

---

You know in those days the Indians used to scalp the settlers—he used to scalp the Indians.

---

## ELAINE:
Mortimer, that’s ancient history.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, the whole family… Take my grandfather—he tried his patent medicines out on dead people to be sure he wouldn’t kill them.

---

## ELAINE:
He wasn’t so crazy. He made a million dollars.

---

## MORTIMER:
And then there’s Jonathan. You just said he was a maniac—he tried to kill you.

---

## ELAINE:
But he’s your brother, not you. I’m in love with you.

---

## MORTIMER:
And there’s Teddy, too.

---

You know Teddy. He thinks he’s Roosevelt.

---

No, dear, no Brewster should marry.

---

I realize now that if I’d met my father in time I’d have stopped him.

---

## ELAINE:
Now, darling, all this doesn’t prove you’re crazy.

---

Look at your aunts—they’re Brewster’s, aren’t they? —and the sanest, sweetest people I’ve ever known.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, even they have their peculiarities.

---

## ELAINE:
Yes, but what lovely peculiarities!—Kindness, generosity—human sympathy—


---

## MORTIMER:
There’s another one!

---

## ELAINE:
Oh, Mortimer, there are plenty of others.

---

You can’t tell me anything about your aunts.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’m not going to. Look, Elaine, you’ve got to go home.

---

Something very important has come up.

---

## ELAINE:
Up, from where? We’re here alone together.

---

## MORTIMER:
I know I’m acting irrationally, but just put it down up to the fact that I’m a mad Brewster.

---

## ELAINE:
If you think you’re going to get out of this by pretending you’re insane—you’re crazy.

---

Maybe you’re not going to marry me, but I’m going to marry you.

---

I love you, you dope.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, if you love me, will you get the hell out of here!

---

## ELAINE:
Well, at least take me home, won’t you? I’m afraid.

---

## MORTIMER:
Afraid! A little walk through the cemetery?

---

## ELAINE:
Mortimer, will you kiss me good night?

---

## MORTIMER:
Of course, dear.

---

Good night, dear. I’ll call you in a day or two.

---

## ELAINE:
You—you critic! 

---

## MORTIMER: 
Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Come here!

---

## ABBY:
We’ll be in in a minute, dear.

---

## MORTIMER:
Come in here now! 

---

## ABBY: 
Yes, dear, what is it?

---

Where’s Elaine?

---

## MORTIMER:
I thought you promised me not to let anyone in the house while I was gone!

---

## ABBY:
Well, Jonathan just walked in—

---

## MORTIMER:
I don’t mean Jonathan—

---

## ABBY:
And Dr. Einstein was with him—

---

## MORTIMER:
I don’t mean Dr. Einstein.

---

Who’s that in the window seat?

---

## ABBY:
We told you—Mr. Hoskins.

---

## MORTIMER:
It is not Mr. Hoskins.

---

## ABBY:
Who can it be?

---

## MORTIMER:
Are you trying to tell me you’ve never seen this man before?

---

## ABBY:
I certainly am.

---

Why, this is a fine how do you do! It’s getting so anybody thinks he can walk into this house.

---

## MORTIMER:
Now Aunt Abby, don’t you try to get out of this. That’s another one of your gentlemen.

---

## ABBY:
Mortimer, how can you say such a thing! That man’s an imposter!

---

And if he came here to be buried in our cellar he’s mistaken.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, Aunt Abby, you admitted to me that you put Mr. Joskins in the window seat.

---

## ABBY:
Yes, I did.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, this man couldn’t have just go the idea from Mr. Hoskins.

---

By the way—where is Mr. Hoskins?

---

## ABBY: 
He must have gone to Panama.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, you buried him?

---

## ABBY:
No, not yet.

---

He’s just down there waiting for services, poor dear.

---

We haven’t had a minute what with Jonathan in the house.

---

Oh, dear.

---

We’ve always wanted to hold a double funeral.

---

But I will not read services over a total stranger.

---

## MORTIMER:
A stranger! Aunt Abby, how can I believe you?

---

There are twelve men in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.

---

## ABBY:
Yes, I did.

---

But you don’t think I’d stoop to telling a fib. Martha! 

---

## JONATHAN: 
Oh, Mortimer—I’d like to have a word with you.

---

## MORTIMER:
A word’s about all you’ll have time for, Jonathan, because I’ve decided you and your Doctor friend are going to have to get out of this house just as quickly as possible.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’m glad you recognize the fact that you and I can’t live under the same roof—but you’re arrived at the wrong solution.

---

Take your suitcase and get out! 

---

## MORTIMER:
Jonathan!—You’re beginning to bore me.

---

You’ve played your one night stand in Brooklyn—move on! 


---

## JONATHAN:
Mortimer, just because you’ve graduated from the back fence to the typewriter, don’t think you’ve grown up.

---

I’m staying, and you’re leaving—and I mean now!

---

## MORTIMER:
If you think I can be frightened—if you think there’s anything I fear—

---

## JONATHAN:
I’ve lived a strange life, but, it’s taught me one thing—to be afraid of nothing! 

---

## ABBY: 
Martha, just look and see what’s in that window seat.

---

## MORTIMER:
Jonathan, let Aunt Martha see what’s in the window seat.

---

Aunt Abby, I owe you an apology.

---

I have very good news for you.

---

Jonathan is leaving.

---

He’s taking Dr. Einstein and their cold companion with him.

---

Jonathan, you’re my brother, you’re a Brewster.

---

I’m going to give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you—you can’t ask for more than that.

---

Very well,-- in that case I’ll have to call the police.

---

## JONATHAN: 
Don’t reach for that telephone.

---

Are you still giving me orders after seeing what’s happened to Mr. Spenalzo?

---

## MARTHA:
Spenalzo?

---

## ABBY:
I knew he was a foreigner.

---

## JONATHAN:
Remember what happened to Mr. Spenalzo can happen to you too.

---

[doorbell chime]

---

## O'HARA:
Hello, Miss Abby.

---

## ABBY:
Oh, Officer O’Hara. Is there something we can do for you?

---

## O'HARA:
I saw your lights on and thought there might be sickness in the house.

---

Oh, you got company—I’m sorry I disturbed you.

---

## MORTIMER:
No, no, come in.

---

## ABBY: 
Yes, come in.

---

## MARTHA:
Come right in, Officer, O’Hara.

---

This our nephew, Mortimer.

---

## O'HARA:
Pleased to meet you.

---

## ABBY: 
And this is another nephew, Jonathan.

---

## O'HARA:
Pleased to make your acquaintance.

---

Well, it must be nice havin’ your nephews visitin’ you.

---

Are they going to stay with you for a bit?

---

## MORTIMER:
I’m staying. My brother Jonathan is just leaving.

---

## O'HARA:
I’ve met you before, haven’t I?

---

## ABBY:
I’m afraid not.

---

Jonathan hasn’t been home for years.

---

## O'HARA:
Your face looks familiar to me.

---

Maybe I seen a picture of you somewhere.

---

## JONATHAN:
I don’t think so.

---

## MORTIMER: 
Yes, Jonathan. I’d hurry up if I were you.

---

Your things are all packed anyway, aren’t they?

---

## O'HARA:
Well, you’ll be wanting to say your goodbyes.

---

I’ll be running along.

---

## MORTIMER:
What’s the rush?

---

I’d like to have you stick around until my brother goes.

---

## O'HARA:
I just dropped in to make sure everything was alright.

---

## MORTIMER:
We’re going to have some coffee in a minute. Won’t you join us?

---

## ABBY:
Oh, I forgot the coffee.

---

## MARTHA: 
Well, I’d better make some more sandwiches.

---

I ought to know your appetite by this time, Officer O’Hara.

---

## O’HARA: 
Don’t bother.

---

I’m due to ring in in a few minutes.

---

## MORTIMER:
You can have a cup of coffee with us.

---

My brother will be gone soon. Sit down.

---

## O'HARA:
Say—ain’t I seen a photograph of your brother around here some place?

---

## MORTIMER:
I don’t think so.

---

## O'HARA:

He certainly reminds me of somebody.

---

## MORTIMER:
He looks like somebody you’ve probably seen in the movies.

---

## O'HARA:
I never go to the movies. I hate ‘em! 

---

My mother says the movies is a bastard art.

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes, it’s full of them. —Your, er, mother said that?

---

## O'HARA:
Yeah. My mother was an actress—a stage actress.

---

Perhaps you heard of her—Peaches Latour.

---

## MORTIMER:
It sounds like a name I’ve seen on a program. What did she play?

---

## O'HARA:
Well, her big hit was Mutt and Jeff. Played it for three years.

---

I was born on tour—the third season.

---

## MORTIMER:
You were?

---

## O'HARA:
Yep. Sioux City, Iowa.

---

I was born in the dressing room at the end of the second act, and Mother made the finale.

---

## MORTIMER:
What a trouper! There must have been a good story in your mother—you know, I write about the theatre.

---

## O'HARA:
You do?

---

Saay!—you’re not Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic?

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes.

---

## O'HARA:
Well, I certainly am glad to meet you.

---

Say, Mr. Brewster—we’re in the same line of business.

---

## MORTIMER:
We are?

---

## O'HARA:
Yeah. I’m a playwright.

---

Oh, this being on the police force is just temporary.

---

## MORTIMER:
How long have you been on the force?

---

## O'HARA:
Twelve years.

---

I’m collecting material for a play.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’ll bet it’s a honey.

---

## O'HARA:
Well, it ought to be.

---

With all the drama I see being a cop, Mr. Brewster—you got no idea what goes on in Brooklyn.

---

## MORTIMER:
I think I have.

---

## O’HARA:
Say, what time you got.

---

## MORTIMER:
Ten after one.

---

## O'HARA:
Gee, I gotta ring in.

---

## MORTIMER: 
Wait a minute, O’Hara.

---

On that play of yours—I may be able to help you.

---

## O’HARA: 
You would!  Say, it was fate my walking in here tonight.

---

Look—I’ll tell you the plot!


---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, you’re on your way, eh?

---

Good! You haven’t got much time, you know.

---

## ABBY:
Well, everything’s just about ready.

---

Oh, you leaving now, Jonathan?

---

Goodbye.

---

Goodbye, Dr. Einstein.

---

Oh, doesn’t this case belong to you?

---

## MORTIMER:
Yes, Jonathan—you can’t go without all of your things.

---

Well, O’Hara, it was nice meeting you.

---

I’ll see you again and we’ll talk about your play.

---

## O'HARA:
Oh, I’m not leaving now, Mr. Brewster.

---

## MORTIMER:
Why not?

---

## O'HARA:
Well, you just offered to help me with my play, didn’t you?

---

You and me are going to write my play together.

---

## MORTIMER:
I can’t do that, O’Hara—I’m not a creative writer.

---

## O’HARA: 
I’ll do the creating.

---

You just put the words to it.

---

## MORTIMER:
But, O’Hara—

---

## O'HARA:
No, sir, Mr. Brewster. I ain’t leaving this house till I tell you the plot.

---

## JONATHAN: 
In that case, Mortimer…we’ll be running along.

---

## MORTIMER:
Don’t try that. You can’t go yet.

---

You’ve got to take everything with you, you know.

---

Look, O'Hara, you run along now, eh.

---

My brother’s just going—

---

## O'HARA:
I can’t wait. I’ve been waiting twelve years.

---

## MARTHA:
I’m sorry I was so long.

---

## MORTIMER:
Don’t bring that in here.

---

O’Hara, would you join us for a bite in the kitchen?

---

## MARTHA:
The kitchen?

---

## ABBY:
Jonathan’s leaving.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh. Well, that’s nice.

---

Come along, Office O’Hara.

---

## ABBY: 
Sure you don’t mind eating in the kitchen, Mr. O’Hara?

---

## O'HARA:
And where else would you eat?

---

## ABBY:
Goodbye, Jonathan, nice to see you again.

---

## MORTIMER:
I’m glad you came back to Brooklyn, Jonathan, because it gives me a chance to throw you out—and the first one out is your boy friend, Mr. Spenalzo.

---

## O'HARA:
Look, Mr. Brewster, we can talk in here.

---

## MORTIMER:
Coming right out.

---

## JONATHAN:
I might have known you’d grow up to write a play with a policeman.

---

## MORTIMER:
Get going now—all three of you.

---

## JONATHAN: 
Doctor, this affair between my brother and me has got to be settled.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Now, Chonny, we got trouble enough.

---

Your brother gives us a chance to get away—what more could you ask?

---

## JONATHAN:
You don’t understand.

---

This goes back a good many years.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Now, Chonny let’s get going.

---

## JONATHAN:
We’re not going. We’re going to sleep right here tonight.

---

## EINSTEIN:
With a cop in the kitchen and Mr. Spenalzo in the window seat.

---

## JONATHAN:
That’s all he’s got on us.

---

We’ll take Mr. Spenalzo down and dump him in the bay and come right back here.

---

—Then if he tries to interfere—

---

## EINSTEIN: 
Now, Chonny.

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor, you know when I make up my mind—

---

## EINSTEIN:
Yeah—when you make up your mind, you lose your head.

---

Brooklyn ain’t a good place for you.

---

## JONATHAN:
Doctor?

---

## EINSTEIN: 
OK. We got to stick together.

---

Some day we get stuck together.

---

If we’re coming back here do we got to take these with us?

---

## JONATHAN:
No. Leave them here.

---

Hide them in the cellar.

---

Move fast! Spenalzo can go out the same way he came in! 

---

## EINSTEIN:
Hey, Chonny, come quick!

---

## JONATHAN:
What’s the matter?

---

## EINSTEIN:
You know that hole in the cellar?

---

## JONATHAN:
Yes.

---

## EINSTEIN:
We got an ace in the hole.

---

Come on I show you.

---

## MORTIMER: 
Jonathan! 

---

Jonathan! 

---

Jonathan!

---

## JONATHAN:
Yes, Mortimer.

---

## MORTIMER:
Where have you two been?

---

I thought I told you to get—

---

## JONATHAN:
We’re not going.

---

## MORTIMER:
Oh, you’re not?

---

You think I’m not serious about this, eh?

---

Do you want O’Hara to know what’s in that window seat?

---

## JONATHAN:
We’re staying here.

---

## MORTIMER:
All right! You asked for it.

---

This gets me rid of you and Officer O’Hara at the same time.

---

Officer O’Hara, come in here!

---

## JONATHAN:
If you tell O’Hara what’s in the window seat, I’ll tell him what’s down in the cellar.

---

## MORTIMER:
The cellar?

---

## JONATHAN:
There’s an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.

---

## MORTIMER:
What were you doing down in the cellar?

---

## EINSTEIN:
What’s *he* doing down in the cellar?

---

## O'HARA:
No, thanks, ma’am. They were fine. I’ve had plenty.

---

## JONATHAN:
Now what are you going to say to O’Hara?

---

## O’HARA: 
Say, Mr. Brewster, your aunts want to hear it, too.

---

Shall I get them in here?

---

## MORTIMER:
No, O’Hara, you can’t do that now.

---

You’ve got to ring in.

---

## O'HARA:
The hell with ringing in.

---

I’ll get your aunts in here and tell you the plot.

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## MORTIMER: 
No, O’Hara, not in front of all these people.

---

We’ll get together alone, some place later.

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## O'HARA:
How about the back room at Kelly’s?

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## MORTIMER:
Fine! You go ring in, and I’ll meet you at Kelly’s.

---

## JONATHAN:
Why don’t you two go down in the cellar?

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## O'HARA:
That’s all right with me. Is this the cellar?

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## MORTIMER:
Nooo! We’ll go to Kelly’s.

---

But you’re going to ring in on the way.

---

## O'HARA:
All right, that’ll only take a couple of minutes.

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## MORTIMER: 
I’ll ditch this guy and be back in five minutes.

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I’ll expect to find you gone.

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Wait for me.

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## JONATHAN: 
We’ll wait for him, Doctor, I’ve waited a great many years for chance like this.

---

## EINSTEIN:
We got him right where we want him.

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Did he look guilty!

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## JONATHAN:
Take the bags back up to our room, Doctor.

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## ABBY:
Have they gone?

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Oh—we thought we heard somebody leave.

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## JONATHAN:
Just Mortimer, and he’ll be back in a few minutes.

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Is there any food left in the kitchen?

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I think Dr. Einstein and I would enjoy a bite.

---

## MARTHA:
But you won’t have time.

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## ABBY:
No, if you’re still here when Mortimer gets back he won’t like it.

---

## EINSTEIN:
He’ll like it.

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He’s gotta like it.

---

## JONATHAN:
Get something for us to eat while we bury Mr. Spenalzo in the cellar.

---

## MARTHA:
Oh no!

---

## ABBY:
He can’t stay in our cellar.

---

No, Jonathan, you’ve got to take him with you.

---

## JONATHAN:
There’s a friend of Mortimer’s downstairs waiting for him.

---

## ABBY:
A friend of Mortimer’s?

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## JONATHAN:
He and Mr. Spenalzo will get along fine together.

---

They’re both dead.

---

## MARTHA:
They must mean Mr. Hoskins.

---

## EINSTEIN:
Mr. Hoskins?

---

## JONATHAN:
You know about what’s downstairs?

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## ABBY:
Of course we do, and he’s no friend of Mortimer’s.

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He’s one of our gentlemen.

---

## EINSTEIN:
You’re chentleman?

---

## MARTHA:
And we don’t have any strangers buried in our cellar.

---

## JONATHAN:
But Mr. Hoskins—

---

## MARTHA:
Mr. Hoskins isn’t a stranger.

---

## ABBY:
Besides, there’s no room for Mr. Spenalzo.

---

The cellar’s crowded already.

---

## JONATHAN:
Crowded? With what?

---

## ABBY:
There are twelve graves down there now.

---

## JONATHAN:
Twelve graves!

---

## ABBY:
That leaves verry little room and we’re going to need it.

---

## JONATHAN:
You mean you and Aunt Martha have murdered-- ?

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## ABBY:
Murdered! Certainly not.

---

It’s one of our charities.

---

## MARTHA:
Why what we’ve been doing is a mercy.

---

## ABBY:
So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo out of here.

---

## JONATHAN: 
You’ve done that—here in this house—and you’ve buried them down there!

---

## EINSTEIN:
Chonny—we’ve been chased all over this world—they stay right here in Brooklyn and do just as good as you do.

---

## JONATHAN:
What?

---

## EINSTEIN:
You’ve got twelve and they’ve got twelve.

---

## JONATHAN:
I’ve got thirteen.

---

## EINSTEIN:
No, Chonny, twelve.

---

## JONATHAN:
Thirteen! There’s Mr. Spenalzo.

---

Then the first on in London—two in Johannesburg—one in Sydney—one in Melbourne—two in San Francisco—one in Phoenix, Arizona—

---

## EINSTEIN:
Phoenix?

---

## JONATHAN:
The filling station.

---

The three in Chicago and the one in South Bend.

---

That makes thirteen!

---

## EINSTEIN:
But you can’t count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia.

---

## JONATHAN:
He wouldn’t have got pneumonia if I hadn’t shot him.

---

## EINSTEIN:
No, Chonny, he died of pneumonia. He doesn’t count.

---

## JONATHAN:
He counts with me. I say thirteen.

---

## EINSTEIN:
No, Chonny. You got twelve and they got twelve.

---

The old ladies are just as good as you are.

---

## JONATHAN:
Oh, they are, are they?

---

Well, that’s easily taken care of.

---

All I need is one more, that’s all—just one more.

---

## MORTIMER:
Well, here I am!

---

[music -  jazz]