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# 1
i don't wanna hurt anybody, especially relatives , but that ends up quiet opposite.

i don't wanna hurt you, but it ends up opposite.

i don't wanna hurt myself , but it seems to me like i really want to do it.
i'm really crazy, messed up guy in the most bad sense

i often want to end up myself , despite i love life,
i want to end up myself, but i'm scared as shit of death.

i distanced from my relatives, supposedly i don't see things like they are
i tend to percept them through my idiot prism of a messed up world

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# 2. 
i don't remember when i felt at least a bit good, not upset , not down, not thinking about death,
when i was at university there were some good times but mostly i felt outcast,
i didn't fit into society.
And i suppose there are reasons - because i'm not that good actually.
I wondered always "why?s and what?s", but the way i put my life seems to be solely my responsibility.
It is very possible i have mental issues more serious than i seems, idk, i didn't go check, and possibly never will


I was jerk, i was trying not to be a jerks, none worked out, 
i was jerk , because i read somewhere that you gotta stand for yourself and build up your character, but that end up being a jerk


And it seems i just make things up out from nowhere, overthinking, etc...


i was stupid and i am now. i can't discipline myself. everything seems imposible now, nothing motivates me, when i try to study, enhance somehow it doesn't go for long.
It doesn't go productive.
When i try to "relax" and not push myself, i end up FOMO, and it seems nothing was done.

Time started to fly like crazy.
I was trying and planning so many stuff to do , to learn, but it didn't go well...
My messed up nutrition, i don't even wanna make that right.


aghhh, enough of this bullshit, 

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# 3.
what i want to say



You great, awesome, nice, beautiful girl. Funny, talented, mature. Just perfect.
And don't think your face is bad or whatever.
You have awesome face, that is why i was going "nuts" on your glasses.
You are pretty with them, but you are amazing without them.
That was the point.

About this time looking at glasses, possibly because of sun glare in glasses, it resembled those masks from instagram (though i never used, just seen couple of times).

I was planning to like make it feel like i don't like, but then to say "you know i'm kidding, of course i like it silly". Some thing like that .
Though my messed up mind decided that we are going to hold more long because we feel shitty for another of those weird reasons to just be not adequate.


So i assure you you look great.

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# 4.

Now about your love feelings.
Idk how that end up like that. I don't know how i happened to be liked by you...

And i like you, your style, your look, your temper,
but i can't say i love you and here is why:

1. I don't wanna just throw words, which i may not adhere.
I know myself, and there were cases where i could not just get things done, though promised, and even when not promised.
There were times i didn't want to, but mostly i just couldn't, because of luck certainity, discipline , etc...
That is shitty when i tell something and then mess up. I don't wanna such thing happening, especially at such serious topic like "love".


2. I don't actually know what a love is. I had some time when i liked girl just from first look in childhood, and maybe that what we would call love, but still that wasn't enough to overcome my fears and express myself, so maybe that was not true love.
And i suppose the love is somewaht different when you grow up, i mean it's more about some hard work , not like in those movies where all is good and everybody falls from first look, pony are walking everywhere, and nobody has mental issues and everything is awesome.

3. i really started to feel less good emotions last years.

4. i don't thing this is all real. and that is possibly what i called "daemons". they just never let me feel comfortable, certain and sure about something.
MOre, when i said i was sure about something, there always come up some mess showing me that i hadn't to be so sure.

So, like this mooment, when i made you feel bad, or the time before. I immediately feel like it's all over now.

And despite. i every moment feel like somewhere out there in the future some shit waiting me - like i'm gonna really mess up for no reason - and be stupid (well basically what i actually am).

5. So i would like to make you happy (that basically why i was sending pictures and writing), i mean like those "normal" people, having life, having where to live, having what to eat, having their own space apart from everybody else but them, making famly, living happily , solving some problems together, .

Though i don't really feel like i'm mature for this. that is not even a feeling that is a fact i'm not mature.
Otherwise i would be so lonely in my life, so stupid, and so rejective to everything.

One time one girl worked at shop, where i was going constantly to buy coffee.
And somehow we begin to communicate about stuff (like i was smoking Vape, and she had something similar) and obviously i was drinking that time, so i was a little bit more confident to say anything to at least somebody.

and one time she called me for coffee (to the shop), and i didn't actually understood the gesture and that scared me. I didn't know if she likes me, but possibly she was (a bit at least)..
But i got so uncertain and scared that i stopped going to buy coffee at days she had her shift.


6. i feel really insecure about everything. more i think my life is just some joke, when i can't even handle basic things like finding a job, going to hospital not to speak about busyness, etc...

as well as i'm uncertain about relationships. There was not much of them either. And everytime all end up messed up (obviously by me making/telling some stupid shit i didn't even wanted to , but i said because i didn't know what else to do/say - stupid mutherfucker)



7. Yea, that was already mentioned, but i put this in separate item: it seems i'm just crazy/mentally ill.
I continue to feel unsure, uncertan, overthinking "life" stuff.
Life seems usual thing, but not after mushrooms.

I was thihnking a lot about life before i used mushrooms. Basically i tried mushrooms because i thought the would help me cure, because i was messed up already.

And last times i try to pull mysself out but that seems like so intimidating and hard.
So i almost gave up on anything.

there was time i barely could move myself from the bed. I woke up and fall asleep in derealisation, nightmares (existential, not just usual), i had panic attacks (because of overthinking - that i can tell, because i had them only in those moments).

those states i may compare to that state you had when you went to some funerals.
a bit maybe different but something related "feeling" of weirdness.


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# 5. 
And basically i think i'm more happy last time just because of you, there is nothing actually, if to think about, that made me motivated or aroused or feel more happy , nothing.

I tired taking Rust bootcamp to get certified and get job and i was first time a bit excited that i passed test and could to be counted to the studying group. 
But i failed, i suppose mostly because of daemons, they told me everyday, everytime : "you are shit. you are not going to make it" and there were people that had jobs, and they could handle everything in time.
I could not handle that, though i had whole day in my disposal. I may read one article for half a day and don't remember anything.

Obviously i could not get far and left the bootcamp. Possibly i woul have come more further if not a lost week of my torment.


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# 6. 
Idk why you need to know this bullshit, but maybe i just making more context for you to be sure, that it's not your problem really. It's not mine problem either, it is more like I AM THE WHOLE PROBLEM.


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# 7. 
I don't wanna dramatise, but i most likely would end up my life  if i had balls.
but i'm so miserable i can't do even that.

And you are really the first and very likely the last person who i am open with.


Not even my parents know shit about me, and i pretty much established in a thought that they don't care (though they say like they care).


though i maybe must be grateful to them, that i'm not in a complete poor and not somewhere outside near the dump in a cold.
But i just cant't. 

Sometimes i feel like i 'm really appreciating the life, just because it is, and i am thanking for that, and feel like i may go to parents and tell them they are the greatest parents on earth.

But that feelings disappear fast.

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# 8.
And even now when i open myself. There is part when i can be open emotionally, but then suddently becomes to feel "stupid", like i'm stupid pussy and all my words are stupid and sound idiotic and uncincere ......

i become to feel like i'm just fucking big overthinker.
And it probabbly is a realyti, because i'm childish inssecure, unestablished child

but even children are more mature than me.

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# 9.
I don't feel like i'm able to have normal life. I would like to move somewhere and start my own life , be able to hellp parents maybe, be able to make my decisions independently and don't depend on what i depend now.

but it seems like that is just not for me. So i keep trying, but at same time it seems i don't have even a single "try" to call it that i've tried.
Because all i do mostly , just keep escaping, so ending up procrastinating and doing some unrelated shit.

and because of FOMO, i start to search redundant staff to do, watching videos in 4x speed, jumping from one thing to another.

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# 10.
and then i was motivated by you, because you were telling me things, and were interested in me.
But then i end up just thinking about us and you and just wasted few days on those thoughts doing nothing.
And then all this long writings.

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# 11. 
And feel like this: the more i will become open, the more you will loose interest in me (just because the fucking life is like that, because stupid human can't have some happiness , it must be fuckeed up everything he attaches to) - and that is mostly the reason me being not completely open and pushing you away sometimes.


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# 12. 
this feels awkward. because no mans on this earth that speak such things, and being so pussy like me.
But better being awkward than being lier and not understood at all.

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# 13. 
i had a mood spike, i possibly offended my mother for no reason.
and i fucking wanted to broke my keyboad and savage my foot into it (but somehow it end up partially-working, though i really pushed from heart)


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# 14. 
Anyway. I want you to just don't feel bad. I know it sound strange. Believe me.
I'm the fucking one who does some shit, despite feeling the opposit to doing it at all.
that is my fucked up mind and life.

know that i didn't meant to insult you, - this is really true. I just wanted to tease you a little to make you feel more happy, but suddenly that was not alreayd the caae, ending up shitty.

like i said earlier the plan was to make a look like "i m not satisfied", and then to say "i'm just kidding, you know you are the best"

So fuck me and my jokes.


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# 15. 
Something tells me that there will be significant "sediment", despite what i do.

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# 16. 
YOu know, i don't really like to be sorry for anything, not because i'm jerk, but
because "why the fuck do in the first place".
I mean if really you did it totally accidentally - then you may be sorry sincerely, because you didn't want.
But in my case it really looks like i wanted (event that maybe cause 


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# 17. 

so ye, it really feels like when i will get closer you weel get farther from me even faster.
that why i'm not that into telling you things etc...


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# 18.
i'm really in a phase of existential and maturity crisis now

it seems nothing makes happy.
life is senseless.

too much efforts is needed with no result guarantee.
and i'm in a state like giving 0 efforts.
But mostly that's not because of amount of work, but uncertainity and no perspectives.
Existential crysis seems to add a significant amount to that.

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# 19.


Even when i try to be open to people, i get dumped silently, though i tried to communicate my way.
Though i know i'm hard person.

I suppose you can see all "why?"s and "what's" more clear than me.



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# 20.

i feel shitty beacuse, though i'm not that very much socially awkward and i understand some slang, some memes, situations and stuff like that , i still most of the time cannot just get it if i'm not being shitty, or if some jokes can be accepted kindly or hostile



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# 21. 
and yes it is very possible that because i'm unrealised and because future seems to be very foggy (will we be left without money when the digital money replace the paper; will i survive when my parents pass away?)

i maybe told this (we watched Mavrody's short video) - happy people do not think about existance, they just live.

Well it seems i'm not in that category.
And even when i go to relax somewhere i feel anxiety and uncertainity everytime