# Me being me, minus the asshole

Fedora wants me to go talk to some girls, so he can see how I operate. I tell him to pick out any set of girls that he wants, and I'd open them. He chooses a two set of girls who were with a guy at the bar behind us:

Me: Hi, how are you guys doing tonight? (With my usual grin. No stupid fucking pick-up lines)


Girls: Good.

Me: Oh really, you look bored, just leaning against the bar. You should go out and get a few guys. They're everywhere.

Girls: (I was too drunk to remember what they said.)

Me: Don't hit on me though, I'm just trying to have fun with my friends and talk to people. Besides, you guys are waaaaaay to cool for me, I can tell by the way you're leaning against the bar. (I do my stupid impressions of them.)

Girls: (they start laughing their asses off at my impersonations)

Me.: You guys are rude, you didn't even introduce yourselves or your guy friend.

Girls: No we're not! My name is (both of them).

Me: (I introduce myself to the guy first, and then I lean into one of the girls ear and say...) Your boyfriend isn't going to beat me up for talking to you guys, is he?

Girl 1: No, he's just a friend, he's just a friend.

Girl 2: (gets curious as to what I whispered and hits me on my arm to get my attention.)

Me: (I look at Girl 2, and then I turn around to get Fedora.) This is my friend Fedora. (they introduce themselves. I turn to Girl 2) Can you dance?

Before she answers, I do one of my idiot dances and I say "I bet this is how you dance."

Girls: (they both start to laugh their asses off. and I proceed to do more dances.)

Me: (I notice that Fedora has left) I gotta find my friend. (I position myself like I could leave at any moment).

Girl 2: (hits me to get my attention)

Me: (i just look at her) You're mean, why'd you hit me? (I then notice some lip gloss on the bar behind them and I grab it.) Does this belong to one of you?

Girls: No, it's yours. You keep it.

Me: This is chick lip gloss, it has to be yours, are you implying that I'm a woman?

Girls: Yes!

Me: OOOOO, I know, I know, lets take a picture with it (using my camera phone), it'll be like a sales pitch.

Fedora returns. We get into position with the lipgloss in my hand.

Fedora: (takes picture number one.)

Me: Let me take a picture with her(Girl 2), it'll come out better. Girl 1, take our picture.

Girl 1: (takes picture.)

Me: (I look at the pic) This is horrible, you're a horrible picture taker (with a grin on my face.)

Girls: No, it's your camera phone!

Me: Don't try to blame it on the camera. (I notice that Fedora has disappeared again). Take this Chapstick, I gotta go.

Girls: No, no, it's yours!

Me: Fine (and I set the Chapstick on top of Girl 2's head)

Girl 2: (throws the Chapstick at me as I'm walking away to get my attention)

I turn around, and start looking on the floor, but not at them. I then walk past them. But just as I'm past them, I lean back and ask them if they seen my friend...

Girls: No (they then initiate the fluff talk) blah blah blah.

Girl 1: What's your major?

Me: I build smurf villages. (I then go into a whole routine about it.)

Girl 2: (starts to compete with Girl 1 over me) You're cute.

Me: Have you seen my friend? I really gotta get going. You know what, you two seem like fun girls, I appreciate you not hitting on me, we should hang out some time.

Girl 1: Sure (She had positioned herself to completely shut out Girl 2 from the convo.)

We exchange numbers.

Me: Oh, there's my friend. I'll cya later.

Girls: (Girl 1 has that puppy dog look. For some reason, I don't try to kiss her) Bye!

Girl 1: Call me!

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