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# System prepended metadata

title: Kara Lindholm Notes

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# How I Balance Nonprofit Work, Photography, and Deadlines
![One of my escapes](https://hackmd.io/_uploads/HJqOgFPvbl.jpg)
Working for a nonprofit looks neat on paper, but the days rarely stay inside their lines. There is always more to do than the budget allows, which means I am often filling in gaps that were never meant to be permanent. I talk to sponsors in the morning, chase donations in the afternoon, and pack up materials for weekend events that feel far away until they are suddenly tomorrow. My calendar fills itself if I let it.

I am used to juggling. I answer emails between meetings. I make calls from the car. I learn which conversations need patience and which need firmness. The work matters, and that makes it harder to put down. Even when I leave the office, pieces of it follow me home. I catch myself replaying conversations or drafting sentences in my head while cooking dinner. Deadlines are not just dates. They are moods that linger.

By Friday, my body knows before my brain does. My shoulders feel tight. My thoughts start skipping. I shut down my computer and leave without chatting. There is relief in that moment, the door clicking closed behind me. I do not rush home to anyone. I do not owe my time to anyone else. That space is something I did not always appreciate, but I do now.

Most weekends, I load my camera bag into the car and drive. Sometimes I know exactly where I am going. Other times I pick a direction and trust it will lead me somewhere worth stopping. I have driven five or six hours for a location that only existed in my head until I saw it in person. Gas stations blur together. I listen to the same songs on repeat. I stop when I am hungry, not when it is convenient.

Photography started as a way to have something that was mine. During the week, everything I produce is reviewed, approved, and revised. On the weekend, I decide. I choose where to stand and when to wait. I notice things I miss when I am rushing, like how light settles differently on a building depending on the hour, or how people relax when they think no one is paying attention. There is a kind of focus that feels almost physical.

I do not chase perfection when I shoot. I chase a feeling that is hard to name until it shows up. Sometimes I come home with dozens of images. Sometimes with just one. I upload them, sit at my kitchen table, and sort through them slowly. The house is quiet. The camera bag stays by the door. These moments feel separate from the rest of my life, and I guard them.

By Sunday night, I usually feel steadier. Not rested exactly, but clearer. I pack the camera away, glance at my work calendar for the week ahead, and let myself ease back into that rhythm. I did not know it then, but this balance I had built was about to shift. Not because I needed more pressure, but because I was ready for a different kind of choice.
![Macro shots facinate me](https://hackmd.io/_uploads/SkotgtPPbg.jpg)
I did not plan to change anything about my weekends. They already felt balanced in a way the rest of my life did not. Work had structure whether I wanted it or not. Photography did not. That difference mattered to me. Still, after a while, I noticed something else creeping in during my editing sessions. I would sit at the kitchen table, coffee going cold, scrolling through images without choosing. I liked all of them for different reasons. I trusted none of them enough to call them finished.

That hesitation felt familiar. It looked a lot like my weekdays. At work, there is always one more revision you could make, one more person you could check with, one more adjustment that feels responsible. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is just fear wearing a polite outfit. I started to see that same pattern in how I handled my photos. I kept refining, but I was also avoiding a decision.

The idea of entering a contest came back to me slowly. I had brushed past it before, telling myself I did not need another deadline in my life. But this one would be different. No sponsor expectations. No committee approvals. Just a set of rules, a closing date, and my own choice about whether to step into it. That part mattered more than I expected.

One Sunday afternoon, after a long drive home from a small inland town, I uploaded a batch of images and stared at the screen longer than usual. The light in one photo held steady in a way the others did not. It was not dramatic. It was honest. I could feel myself wanting to keep it safe, which usually meant keeping it private. Instead, I opened my browser and looked up photo contests, letting myself actually read through the options instead of backing away. I ended up on [photo contests](https://www.fanartreview.com/photo-contests.jsp) and stayed there longer than I meant to.

It felt like crossing a small line. Not because the site was intimidating, but because it made the choice real. I read the rules twice. I checked the deadline. I compared the image I liked against the theme instead of against my doubts. For once, the question was not whether it could be better, but whether it said what I wanted it to say right now. That was new for me.

Submitting the image felt oddly formal, like signing my name at the bottom of something and agreeing to stand by it. I clicked through the steps slowly, half expecting myself to stop. I did not. When it was done, I leaned back in my chair and exhaled without realizing I had been holding my breath. Nothing about my life changed in that moment, but something inside me did.

The waiting did not bother me as much as I thought it would. What stayed with me was the act of choosing. I had looked at my work and said this one. Not because it was flawless, but because it felt complete. That feeling followed me into the next week at work. I noticed how often I delayed decisions out of habit. I noticed how much energy hesitation took.

By the next weekend, I was thinking about contests differently. They were no longer about winning or placing. They were about practice. About committing to an image and letting it exist outside my control. Each time I considered entering another one, the same nerves showed up, right on schedule. That told me I was probably doing something worthwhile.

I still drive long hours. I still shoot for myself first. But now there is a moment at the end of the process that asks something of me. A deadline that does not bend. A decision that cannot be postponed. Photo contests gave shape to something I had been circling without naming. They asked me to finish, not perfectly, but honestly.

After that first submission, I expected things to settle back into their usual shape. I thought it would feel like a one time experiment, something I tried and then moved past. Instead, the idea stayed with me in a quiet but persistent way. During the week, while I was answering emails or sitting through meetings that ran long, I would catch myself thinking about images I had not sorted yet. Not because I was anxious about results, but because I was aware there was a next step waiting for me.

The second time I entered, I noticed how much faster the doubt showed up. It did not wait until the end. It hovered from the moment I uploaded the photos. I questioned my judgment more quickly, even though nothing about my process had changed. If anything, I was more careful. I paid attention to why one image held my attention longer than another. I asked myself simple questions instead of spiraling ones. Does this image feel finished. Does it say what I want it to say without explanation.

Work continued to be demanding. One week, a sponsor pulled out late and left a gap we did not know how to fill. I spent hours on the phone, rewriting language, adjusting plans, trying to keep things moving forward without showing how close we were to the edge. That kind of pressure makes you second guess everything. When the weekend came, I drove out anyway. I needed the familiar weight of the camera in my hands. I needed something that did not require consensus.

I found myself shooting with more intention. Not more aggressively, just more honestly. I stopped overshooting scenes the way I used to, as if quantity could protect me from choosing wrong. Instead, I waited longer. I trusted my first instinct more often. When I got home and started editing, the process felt clearer. Not easier, but clearer. There was less circling and more deciding.

Submitting still made me nervous. That never went away. But the nerves changed shape. They became a signal instead of a warning. I started to recognize the moment when hesitation stopped being useful. It usually came right after I told myself I would just make one more small adjustment. That phrase became a red flag. When I heard it, I knew it was time to stop.

The deadlines mattered more than I expected. They created a clean edge around the work. I could prepare as much as I wanted, but once the cutoff arrived, the decision was done. That finality was uncomfortable at first. I am used to being able to revise, to explain, to adjust after the fact. Contests did not allow for that. They asked for trust instead.

I noticed that trust carrying over into my weekdays. I sent emails without rereading them five times. I proposed ideas in meetings without immediately listing all the reasons they might fail. When decisions came up, I made them and moved on. It was not a dramatic shift. No one commented on it. But I felt it internally, like a quiet tightening of focus.

By the third submission, the process felt familiar enough that I could see it clearly. The pattern was always the same. Excitement at the possibility. Doubt at the narrowing. Relief at the choice. The outcome mattered less than the repetition. Each time, I was practicing finishing. Practicing letting the work leave my hands without apology.

Photography still belongs to me first. That has not changed. I still shoot what I want, when I want, and where I want. But contests added a frame around that freedom. They gave me a place to put the work when it was ready to stand on its own. Not perfect. Not protected. Just finished.

At some point, I stopped checking results right away. Not out of superstition, just habit. I would submit and then move on to the next thing that needed my attention. Work deadlines did not pause just because I had entered something on my own time. Emails still came in. Meetings still filled the calendar. The contest existed in the background, quiet and unresolved, and that felt strangely appropriate.

I began to see how much energy I had spent in the past worrying about outcomes I could not control. At work, I am always preparing for reactions. How a sponsor might respond. How a donor might interpret a message. How a small change in wording could ripple outward. With contests, once the image was submitted, there was nothing left to manage. No follow-ups. No explanations. That absence was a relief I had not known I needed.

The process started to shape how I planned my weekends. I was not chasing entries, but I was more aware of time. If I wanted to submit something, I needed to leave space for editing and choosing. That meant saying no to certain trips or cutting others short. It meant trusting that fewer images could still be enough. I learned to walk away from scenes sooner instead of squeezing every possible angle out of them.

Doubt still showed up, but it lost some of its authority. I could hear it without obeying it. I would notice myself thinking, maybe I should wait, maybe I should shoot more, maybe this is not the right one. Then I would look at the clock and the deadline and make the choice anyway. Not because the doubt disappeared, but because it no longer got to decide.

There was one submission in particular that stuck with me. The image felt quiet compared to what I usually chose. I almost talked myself out of it because it did not announce itself. It just held. I submitted it anyway and went to bed feeling unsettled. The next morning, I woke up and felt oddly proud. Not because I expected it to do well, but because I had trusted my judgment when it would have been easier not to.

That feeling followed me into my workweek. I noticed how often I defaulted to safe choices without realizing it. How often I softened language or delayed decisions to avoid discomfort. The contests did not make me reckless. They made me clearer. They reminded me that hesitation often looks responsible from the outside, even when it is not.

I started to talk about the process more casually with colleagues when it came up. Not the results, just the act of choosing. A few of them nodded in recognition. We all live under deadlines, but we do not always get to decide which ones matter. Having one I chose made the others feel more manageable.

By this point, entering photo contests felt less like an event and more like a rhythm. I did not enter everything. I skipped weeks when nothing felt ready. That restraint mattered. It kept the process honest. When I did submit, it was because the image had reached a point where further adjustment would only blur what drew me to it in the first place.

Finishing became the skill I valued most. Not polishing. Not improving endlessly. Finishing. Letting something stand without defending it. That was the practice I carried with me, into my weekends, into my workdays, into decisions that had nothing to do with a camera.

Something subtle shifted in how I experienced time. Before, my weekends felt wide and unstructured, which was part of their appeal. I could wander, overshoot, come home with too much, and tell myself I would sort it out later. Now there was a different awareness sitting quietly in the background. Not pressure, exactly. More like respect for the window I had. Light changes. Energy drops. Deadlines arrive whether you argue with them or not.

I noticed it most on longer trips. I would drive out before sunrise, stop for coffee in places that smelled like fryer oil and burnt toast, and arrive somewhere just as the light started doing what I hoped it would. In the past, I would shoot until I felt tired, then keep going anyway, afraid I might miss something better. Lately, I started packing up sooner. Not because I was bored, but because I trusted that what I came for had already happened. That trust felt earned, not assumed.

At work, I am always accounting for other people’s time. Volunteers, donors, staff. I think in blocks and buffers. Photography used to be the one place I did not do that. Now I was doing it there too, but without resentment. I was choosing limits instead of having them imposed on me. That distinction mattered more than I expected.

Editing sessions changed as well. I still sat at the same kitchen table, still drank the same coffee, but I moved through images differently. I was less sentimental about maybes. I did not keep files around just in case. If an image did not hold up after a second look, I let it go. That made the ones that stayed feel stronger. Cleaner. More intentional.

Entering photo contests became part of this new rhythm. Not a constant, but a marker. A place where time closed instead of stretching endlessly. Each submission asked me to honor the moment I had captured instead of chasing the one I imagined might exist somewhere else. I did not always like that constraint, but I respected it.

I also became more aware of how often I delayed decisions in the name of being careful. At work, that habit is sometimes necessary. There are consequences to getting things wrong. But I started to see where caution had turned into default. Where I softened ideas before giving them a chance to stand. The practice of choosing an image and letting it go into the world without commentary began to bleed into other areas.

There was a meeting one afternoon where I suggested a direction and stopped talking. Normally, I would have followed it with disclaimers. Instead, I let it sit. The room stayed quiet for a moment, then someone nodded. The conversation moved forward. It was a small thing, but it felt connected to the same muscle I had been using on weekends.

I am not pretending this process fixed anything. My weeks are still crowded. My job is still demanding. I still feel tired more often than I would like. But the way I move through decisions has changed. I spend less time hovering at the edge of action. I step in sooner, accept the discomfort, and trust that clarity will come from doing, not waiting.

The camera did not teach me this on its own. Neither did work. It was the combination. The contrast between imposed deadlines and chosen ones. Between endless adjustment and intentional stopping. I started to understand that finishing is not about being done forever. It is about honoring the moment you are in and allowing yourself to move on.

I have learned to recognize the exact moment when refinement turns into avoidance. It feels polite. It sounds reasonable. I tell myself I am being careful, thorough, responsible. But my body usually knows first. My shoulders tighten. I reread the same notes. I zoom in and out of the same image without really seeing it anymore. That is when I stop.

This did not come naturally. I am wired to keep adjusting. At work, there is always another stakeholder, another perspective, another potential issue that deserves attention. That habit keeps things from falling apart, but it also keeps things from landing. Contests made that tension visible in a way nothing else had. They asked me to decide when enough was enough, even when part of me wanted to keep hiding inside small changes.

I started paying closer attention to my own language. When I caught myself saying just one more tweak, I paused. When I felt the urge to wait for a better option, I asked what that really meant. Sometimes waiting made sense. Other times it was just fear asking for a nicer name. Learning the difference took repetition.

There were entries I did not submit because the image truly was not ready. That mattered too. This was never about forcing myself to enter everything. It was about honesty. About not pretending that hesitation was the same thing as care. About noticing when I was protecting the work versus protecting myself.

The structure helped. Knowing there was a deadline, knowing the frame would close, changed how I behaved inside the process. Photo contests did not reward endless refinement. They rewarded clarity. That did not mean simple or obvious. It meant intentional. It meant standing behind a choice without apology.

I noticed this most clearly on weekends when something did not go as planned. Bad weather. Missed light. A location that looked better in my head than in person. Before, I would push through, convinced I could salvage something if I worked hard enough. Lately, I have been more willing to walk away. To accept that not every effort needs to be justified with a result. That restraint has been surprisingly freeing.

At work, that same restraint showed up in quieter ways. I stopped volunteering myself for everything. I answered questions more directly. I let some conversations end without trying to solve every possible problem. None of this made me less committed. If anything, it made my attention sharper. I was choosing where to apply it instead of scattering it everywhere.

There is still discomfort in stopping. I do not think that ever fully goes away. Each submission carries a small jolt of vulnerability. Each decision feels final in a way that makes me flinch. But I have learned that flinch is not a warning. It is a signal that something matters. That I am not numb to the outcome.

This practice has taught me that refinement has a purpose, but it also has an endpoint. Crossing that line does not make the work weaker. It gives it a chance to exist outside my hands. To do what it will do without my supervision. That is a hard thing to allow, but it is also a necessary one.

I do not think of myself as someone who likes rules. I have spent too much of my week navigating them on behalf of other people. Still, there is a difference between rules that box you in and rules that help you finish something you would otherwise carry forever. That is what I have come to appreciate about photo contests. They do not tell me what to see. They tell me when to stop holding on.

There are weekends now where I do not enter anything at all. I still drive. I still shoot. I still sit at my kitchen table and sort through images with the same quiet focus. The difference is that I no longer feel pressure to make every effort lead somewhere. Some photographs stay with me. Others pass through. I trust myself to know the difference more than I used to.

When I do choose to submit, the decision feels cleaner. I do not dramatize it. I do not build it up. I pick the image that holds steady when I look at it the third or fourth time, not the one that begs for attention. That steadiness matters to me now. It feels closer to the way I want to move through the rest of my life.

Work has not slowed down. If anything, it has grown more demanding. But I move through it differently. I meet deadlines without chasing perfection. I accept that clarity often comes after action, not before it. I stop editing myself into silence. These changes are not dramatic enough for anyone else to notice, but they are real enough that I feel them every day.

Photography remains my weekend space. It is still where I go to think without thinking too hard. The structure of entering contests has not taken that away. It has sharpened it. It has given me a way to honor my time, my effort, and my instincts without turning everything into an endless maybe.

I used to believe that letting go meant losing something. Now I understand it differently. Letting go makes room. It allows the next thing to arrive without being crowded out by unfinished decisions. Each submission is a small act of trust. Not in judges or outcomes, but in myself.

There will always be another image I could improve. Another adjustment I could make. Another moment I could wait for. But waiting is no longer my default. Choosing is. Photo contests helped teach me that finishing is not a failure of care. It is often the clearest sign of it.

I still close my laptop on Sunday nights and glance at the week ahead. The deadlines are still there. The pressure still exists. But somewhere between the drive, the shoot, the edit, and the submission, I learned how to stop carrying everything forward. I learned how to decide. And that has made all the difference.