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title: Exams

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# Exams

*(Part 6 of 6: Back to the Past)*

Ding, Ding, Ding! With resounding clangs, the stress-inducing morning bell chimes are born. The day is finally here. What did I even do in those 15 days? It feels like yesterday when I hopped off at the train station and drowned all the apprehension with my favourite Spotify playlist. I try and recall all that I studied for the exam but all that keeps coming back is the feeling of regret for not taking online classes more seriously. Exasperated, I frantically make my way into the Lecture Annexure and haphazardly look for my name on the seating list. I fling my bag across my side and snatch the papers from the invigilators. I look up to find several masked individuals all placed almost kilometres apart from one another. Whilst still trying to catch my breath, I spill ink all over my fingers, I mix up the course code and the course name and then I flip the question paper over to read the first question and … My mind just goes blank! I just can’t seem to think of anything. I look up towards my classmates in the hopes that they can lip out something, just enough to reignite my basic cognitive capabilities. But then I realise they’re all wearing those wretched masks. How am I meant to answer anything? Through eyebrow communication and telepathy??

The Jenga tower is on the edge of collapse. All the pieces just seemed to be falling apart. I start to lose my grip on the hopes that I had of even bagging a job, let alone an internship. At a time when I can’t remember even one formula from the subject I am writing, all the subject codes of the backlogs start to ring louder and louder in my head. I think of all the sleepless nights, anxiety and scattered thoughts, of her. Were they all even worth it? What good is it doing me now? With my mind tunnelling in on all these worries and burdens, my future and career appear to be hanging by a thread.

But despite all these worries, a recurring image in my mind is that damn smile of hers. I just can’t stop thinking about her and that magical night we spent looking up at the stars. It’s ludicrous how a smile can just take all of your worries away. Why haven’t I told her yet? What am I waiting for? These feelings are driving me insane. This is it, this is the moment and I just can’t wait anymore. I decide to finish writing my paper early, leaving my paper nearly blank and I run outside to peep into the other examination halls in an attempt to find her. The final bells chime and I am running around, like a dog playing fetch, just to confess my feelings for her.

And then I… COLLAPSE.The final piece in the Jenga tower is removed, sending the tower into a spiral of disintegration. I see her across the building, laughing and enjoying herself while she’s holding hands with someone else. How could I have been such a fool? Everything that’s inside of me starts to cave in and fold. Maybe I’m not good enough for her. Just when I thought I was about to spread my wings, I start to cocoon. I decide to avoid meeting my friends and walk back to the hostel alone. With each step I take, I try to erase a memory that we shared. I can’t believe I cared so much for no reason. We spent nearly every day together, we stayed up till 5 in the morning texting each other, she laughed at all my jokes, I gave her my jacket when it was cold and I even bottled an examination because I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I just don’t get it. I guess maybe I’m just not good enough for her. I ignore everyone asking me about how my exam went as I continue to beat myself up.

I receive a call from my parents, “How did the exam go, dear?” and I immediately burst into tears. Well, its safe to say that I fell prey to the vicious predator that is unrequited love. Not only did I dedicate hours and hours of my life to someone who probably wouldn’t even bat an eye at my absence. But I compromised my examinations, my internships and possibly even my career as an engineer. It’s funny how clear reality becomes when we’re faced with rejections. In the hot pursuit, epochal happiness seemed tantalisingly close. Things like a damn smile made my serotonin skyrocket. Where did all those emotions go? A simple question from my parents made me realise all the mistakes. “Beta, everything alright? Its okay just take some rest and forget that it went bad. You’ll have plenty of more opportunities to do better.”  That’s all I needed to hear, there’s no reason to be stuck in the past when there’s a future that lies ahead full of possibilities and new people. Having instilled in me, this newfound motivation. I resolve to push myself out of the comfort of my warm blanket and decide to grab life by the horns. Jamming to the same playlist on my phone, I make my way to old faithful Nescafe to meet the boys. I can always rely on them to help me forget about all the worries and burdens. We gather around the old wise banyan tree and reminisce about all the memories from when things weren’t so uncertain. We could always speak about literally anything for hours and hours and not mention a thing about the examinations. As we continue in our conversation, I take a sip of the coffee, take a deep breath and think to myself. Life is all about these kinds of moments; not waiting for them but creating them. And that sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. So here’s to never going back to the past but to an unceasing future.

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***Content by Chris Cherian***
***Design by Satyapriya Kanungo***