# Perfumed Estrangement **by Jessica Cloud** It happened at the mall Like most of my formative experiences I was eight - maybe nine - years old Looking at the captivating perfume bottles in the cosmetics section The gilded liquids flooded with lights Mesmerized me When I looked up I saw an old lady And she was somehow familiar I tasted sublime terror for the first time It was my other Grandmother I don’t know How I knew who she was What level of my subconscious mind recognized her All I knew was the tension between feeling Like I knew her Like I was part of her But knowing she did not care about me I ran to find my mother Among the nearby sale racks Who confirmed my confusion This was my daddy’s mama That old bitch she said We’d been estranged from them for as long as I could recall So I dealt with my anxiety the only way I knew how I took action When we got home I said I want to meet her My mom said okay And she arranged that Jackie, her best friend, would take me on a visit My dad would not come And so I went to meet my dad’s mom My grandmother for the first Conscious time I had a new outfit Pressed khaki pants and a charming mint green striped shirt Further adorned with a peach seashell design It felt like I was going to a job interview Position: granddaughter And we arrived at an unfamiliar door To a foreign house I don’t remember much of what We talked about But I saw in her eyes a steely determination That I shared On her dressing table (She had a real dressing table with a mirror and chair and everything) Was a bottle of perfume Shaped like a crown About half gone I admired it And she gave it to me After the visit, my mom offered an olive branch And my dad’s mother Said there would be no relationship with the children If it meant interacting with my mom again So we went about life And I didn’t feel anything for her But I thought much about her Because I didn’t understand how I could feel Nothing I kept the crowned perfume bottle For years And never used a drop It was some sort of totem I don’t remember when Or why I threw it away