The Seven Levels of Intimacy

# Summary
1. **Clichés**: initiate the interaction. move beyond by "carefree timelessness".
2. **Facts**: ignite the joy of learning. move from impersonal to personal facts.
3. **Opinions**: feel accepted by each other. accept before understand.
4. **Hopes and Dreams**: are a crucial part of life, defining who we are
5. **Feelings**: risk being vulnerable
6. **Faults, Fears, and Failures**: I need help! I'm afraid! I messed up!
7. **Legitimate Needs**: dynamic collaboration to tend to each other's legitimate needs

# Part One: What Is Intimacy?
## 1. Sex Is Not Intimacy
- Sex is not intimacy, nor is it necessary for intimacy, despite how it's portrayed in modern popular culture
- Humans can survive without intimacy, but cannot thrive without it

What is intimacy?

> To be truly intimate with another person is to share every aspect of your self with that person ... This is the greatest gift we can give to another human being: to allow him or her to simply see us for who we are, with our strengths and weaknesses, faults, failings, flaws, defects, talents, abilities, achievements, and potential.

Why are we afraid?

> _We are afraid that if people really knew us they wouldn’t love us._ ... Crazy, isn’t it? We want to be loved, but we are so afraid of rejection that we would rather be loved for being someone we are not than be rejected for being who we are.

### Intimacy and Four Aspects of Human Beings
These aspects cannot be isolated from each other.
1. **Physical Intimacy** is easy: a handshake, a smile, or a kill on the cheek.
- All relationships have a physical aspect, even online ones: speaking listening, typing, and reading.
2. **Emotional Intimacy** is must harder, requiring humility and vulnerability
3. **Intellectual Intimacy** is about _how_ a person thinks - what drives, inspires, motivates his/her ideas and opinions
4. **Spiritual Intimacy** is the hardest: having a common purpose & virtue

### Getting Comfortable with Ourselves
- The first step toward intimacy with others is intimacy with self
- Consciously acknowledge the essential truth of the human condition

## 2. Common Interests Are Not Enough
Because our interests change.

What is the meaning of life? - To become the best-version-of-ourselves

What is the **purpose of a relationship**? - To help each other become the best-version-of-ourselves

If your relationship is based on a common purpose that is temporary, chances are that your relationship will be temporary

## 3. You Know The Storm Is Coming
> A tree with strong roots can weather any storm. In our relationships, the question is not, Is there going to be a storm? but, When is the next storm getting here?

> What are the roots that will help our relationships weather the inevitable storms? Communication, appreciation, respect, a mutual willingness to serve, annual vacations are just a few. But there are too many to name; the list is endless.

### Joy Is The Fruit of Appreciation
Learn to appreciate and praise those you love. We all need encouragement.

> We all complain too much, and yes, our complaints are mostly insignificant, showing a monumental ingratitude for the incredible opportunities we have and the wonder of life. Whom do we complain to the most? The people we supposedly love the most. Whom do we complain about the most (either out loud or to ourselves)? The people we supposedly love the most.

> Our complaints are poisoning our relationships.

### If There Is No Discipline, There Is No Love
Every aspect of the human person thrives on discipline, and relationships are no different. Discipline is the price life demands for happiness.

> Discipline awakens us from the hedonistic stupor of modern popular culture and refines every aspect of the human person. Discipline doesn’t enslave or stifle us; rather, it sets us free to soar to unimagined heights. Discipline sharpens the human senses, allowing us to savor the subtler tastes of life’s experiences.

> Freedom is not the ability to do whatever you want. Freedom is the strength of character to do what is good, true, noble, and right. Freedom is the ability to choose and celebrate the-best-version-of-yourself in every moment. Freedom without discipline is impossible.

> To love, we must be free, and yet too often we are slaves. Love is a promise, but a slave is in no position to promise anything to anyone. Never believe a promise from a man or woman who has no discipline. They have broken a thousand promises to themselves, and they will break their promise for you. Discipline is evidence of freedom, and freedom is a prerequisite of love.

> If your relationship is filled with and driven by whims, cravings, fancies, and constant lusting after pleasure, you don’t have love.

## 4. What Is Driving Your Relationships?
The happiest people on the planet are the men and women who have dynamic relationships.

> The state of our relationships has an impact on every aspect of our lives. You don’t leave a struggling relationship at home when you go to work or school, and you don’t check a tumultuous relationship at the door of your other friendships. If you have a relationship that is struggling, there’s a good chance it is affecting many areas of your life.

### Who Energizes You?
Energy is our most valuable resource, not time.

> One of the great myths of the twentieth century was that time is our most valuable resource. The propagation of this myth led us to read books, listen to tapes, and attend courses about time management. ... We were told, “Time is money.” “Don’t waste time. Life is time.” “Guard your time.” “Plan your time.” “Defend your time.” “Wasting time is wasting life." ... But some people do an awful lot more with their twenty-four hours than others do. Why? Energy is our most valuable resource, not time.

Energy is one of the most important factors for us to consider in relationships. **What types of people energize you?**

> It is also important not to confuse people with their environments. Some environments energize us at first, but only temporarily. The unknown worlds of rich and famous people can energize those of us who are not used to them, but that energy is an illusion that doesn’t last. Similarly, if you are dating someone who takes you to all the best restaurants, buys you wonderful gifts, and takes you on trips to exotic places, you have to be careful not to fall in love with the lifestyle. You have to be sure that it is the person that interests you, not the lifestyle.

> There are only two genuine unspoiled motives for friendship. The first is that you can help the other person become the-best-version-of-himself or herself. The second is that the other person can help you achieve the same. In an ideal friendship, both exist.

## 5. The Opposite Of Love Is Not Hate
It's indifference.
### Love Isn't A Feeling... It's A Choice

> Our feelings shouldn’t direct our actions and our lives. Our actions should be driven by our hopes, values, and aspirations; above all, they should be driven by our essential purpose. People who are driven by feelings are dangerous. They are undisciplined, inconsistent, and unreliable. But people who are driven by their values and a clear understanding of their essential purpose are to be treasured. They are disciplined, consistent, and reliable.

> Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, and if we choose to base our most important relationships on how we feel at any particular moment, we are in for a rough and rocky journey. Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something we do, not something that happens to us.

### Love Changes Us
> "I love you just the way you are”: these words have echoed around the world for more than twenty-five years in Billy Joel’s hit song. And how often people in the midst of an argument say, “Why can’t you love me for who I am?”

> Should we love people for who they are? Yes. Absolutely. But if we truly love people, we also want them to change.

Love is helping each other become the best-version-of-ourselves

# Part Two: The Seven Levels of Intimacy
In each of the seven levels, we take the risk of revealing how we are and move up to a higher level of intimacy

## 7. Clichés: The First Level of Intimacy
**Move beyond cliché interactions by _carefree timelessness_**

> If you said to your wife, “Let’s plan to spend Friday afternoon together next week, and we will just decide what we want to do when it comes around.” That’s time together, with no agenda: carefree timelessness.

> On the other hand, suppose you said to your wife, “Let’s plan to spend Friday afternoon together next week, and we can stop by the store and buy that new television, return those trousers you bought me that didn’t fit, have lunch, pick up the kids, and then come home and finish raking those leaves.” It is certainly time together, but it also sounds anything but carefree.

> Give the people you love the gift of carefree timelessness. It will transform them, and you, and the relationships you share. Then and only then, restored once more by that carefree timelessness, together, will you discover the lightheartedness essential to the thriving we were given this life to enjoy. **All great things can only be achieved with a light heart. Lightheartedness is the fruit of carefree timelessness.**

## 8. Facts: The Second Level of Intimacy
**Learn from each other, moving from impersonal to personal facts**

### Our Natural Curiosity and Love of Learning

> One of the redeeming qualities of facts is that they have the potential to stimulate us intellectually, to arouse our natural curiosity, and to teach us to fall in love with learning. Some facts are, of course, better in this way than others. What determines which facts are better? Everything makes sense in relation to our essential purpose. It follows, then, that facts that help you become the-best-version-of-yourself are better than those that do not.

> Suppose you are at a dinner party and everyone is talking about someone who is having an affair. It seems self-evident that this conversation (whether the affair is fact or fiction) is unlikely to help anyone become the-best-version-of-himself or herself. We may respond to this conversation by renewing our internal commitment to be faithful to our partner, but that would be making the best of a bad situation.

> On the other hand, suppose you are at a dinner party and someone is talking about a trip he took to Paris, his visit to the Picasso Museum, and a book he has been reading about Picasso’s life. It is possible that even though the conversation involves nothing more than the exchange of facts, it would be helping you to become the-best-version-of-yourself. How? The content in itself is more intellectually stimulating. But, more important, if you were to embark on a discussion of Picasso’s life and his personal struggle to overcome his inner conflicts, you would move the conversation up another level.

### The Power of Speech
1. Catch someone doing the right thing
2. Rash judgement is death to intimacy
3. Criticize in a way that's instructional, practical, and devoid of ego
4. Gossips are as bad as physical beating
5. Everyone feels underpaid and under-appreciated.

## 9. Opinions: The Third Level of Intimacy
**Feel accepted by each other. Accept before understand.**

> If history has taught us anything, it has taught, time and again, that people will resist with all their strength any attempt you make to impose your opinion upon them. This lesson is demonstrated every day by teenagers in every culture, as it has been demonstrated numerous times throughout history by entire peoples.

> It is here, in the third level of intimacy, that we come face to face with **the practical importance of a common goal and purpose**. If our essential purpose is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, and if two people can mutually agree upon the pursuit of this purpose, a great many arguments and disagreements will be avoided.

### Learning How to Agree and Disagree
> Always make a real effort to see the other person’s point of view. Explore the path that has brought the other person to his or her opinion. Try to understand the logic behind that opinion.

### Understanding versus Acceptance
> Another of the monumental myths propagated by our modern culture is that understanding is the key to having a great relationship. ... We spend endless amounts of emotional energy trying to figure ourselves out, and equal amounts of energy trying to figure other people out. Consciously or subconsciously, we tell ourselves. “When I understand him, I will accept him” or “When I understand her, I will love her."

> Too often we make understanding a condition of our acceptance. We take the following position: “I don’t understand you, therefore I don’t accept you and I don’t love you.” As a result, everyone is held at arm’s length. If we are to nurture genuine intimacy, the approach that is needed is radically more proactive and positive: **“I love you and I accept you, even though I don’t understand you.**

### What Influences and Forms our Opinions?
Our opinions are the product of the environment (family, education, ...) we've lived in

### Collective Ego
> Relationships are about teamwork. You and your spouse are a team. You and your teenage child are a team. You and your girlfriend or boyfriend are a team. How’s your team doing?

## 10. Hopes and Dreams: The Fourth Level of Intimacy
**Hopes and dreams are a crucial part of life, and they say so much about who we really are**

> Knowing the dreams of the people you love and helping them fulfill those dreams brings a certain dynamism to relationships that is both energizing and inspiring. Few things energize an individual like the passionate pursuit of a dream, and few things can infuse a relationship with such energy and enthusiasm as the pursuit of dreams.

### The Question of Gratification
Are you willing to delay gratification?

> Every worthwhile dream demands delayed gratification, and the dream of a great relationship is no different. Every day another book about relationships is published that tells you how to go out and get what you want. If this is the approach we take to relationships, we are doomed from the very start. The very nature of relationship is giving, not getting; it is helping someone else in their journey. In order to approach a relationship in this way, we must at the very least be willing to set our own desires and agendas aside initially. We must be willing to delay our own personal gratification.

## 11. Feelings: The Fifth Level of Intimacy
**Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable?**

> At this level of intimacy, we come face to face with the fear of rejection that we discussed in the opening chapter of this book. The facts of our lives say something about who we are. Our opinions say something about how we have responded to the facts of our lives. Our hopes and dreams say something about how we want to live our lives and the persons we are striving to become. Each of these reveals something about us, and to the extent that we reveal ourselves we become vulnerable. Our feelings are the raw emotional nerve endings that very often reveal our brokenness, our humanity, our need to be held, listened to, and loved. The revelation of our feelings makes us extremely vulnerable.

### Healthy Expression
(Refer to _Non-Violent Communication_)

> We should learn which times are best for intimate conversations with the people we love. Sometimes timing alone can determine whether we have a level one or a level five communication with a person. And so, even when we need to express our feelings, we should avoid reducing that need to another form of instant gratification. Otherwise our expression of our feelings becomes no more elevated than a child’s tantrum in a shopping mall, or a teenager shouting expletives because he lacks the vocabulary and maturity to genuinely express his feelings.

> One very powerful tool may be to say, “I really need a few minutes to talk some time today.” Because the other person elects the time, she will usually be at her most attentive and receptive. All of this assumes that there is mutual respect between you, and that you are both trying to help each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. Where this common goal cannot be established, the pursuit of intimacy at every level is significantly more difficult.

> The first step toward becoming a good listener revolves around the question: Why is this person saying what he or she is saying? Usually, we think becoming a good listener means focusing on what the person is saying. But why she is speaking is often much more important to the communication than the content of what she says. And until we know why a person is speaking, we should simply remain silent and listen. If they want you to say something, most people will ask you a question such as “So, what do you think?”

> Allowing the people we love to freely express their feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. We all have feelings that are disordered or the result of paranoia, illusions, assumptions, and misunderstandings. It seems that the best way for the human psyche to be freed of these is the opportunity to express them in a loving and judgment-free environment, to people who truly care about us.