inexcusable - HackMD

# inexcusable ---  ## matt's last stand. *OR* your last shot at saving the rest of your life --- it's somewhat easy to get caught up in the moment and forget what has transpired to get u where u are. --- it's downright fucking disgusting. the first sign of abuse or abusive action is normally grounds to leave. even hearing about them abusing an ex is usually enough to deter most people from pursuing a meaningful relationship. --- for you, i don't think there is a threshold. there is literally nothing he can do that would cause u to determine enough was enough. --- these cycles don't ever end, they get worse. much worse, i fear for your life if u marry him. --- and it's all because what? ur deathly scared of the pain u will feel from leaving? no one else will love him? come the fuck on. he gets enough pussy and if he wants love he needs to fix himself. this is not your family's responsibility. --- do you realize that you are being wholly selfish.... you don't want to go thru the pain of leaving him, but -- while u avoid this pain -- guess who suffers? me, your brother, your mother, your kids, ken, your friends, GOD suffers. everyone is hurting because of u, and u only care about yourself; and maybe not even that since u allow such horrible disrespect from someone who supposedly loves you. --- i noticed a definite pattern that, above all else, seems to be your "crazy trigger". it's when all logic goes out the window and u leave on thanksgiving, or say ur going to the store and never come back. you can't stand him with anyone else. and you know too many people near him and he himself all tell you when hes fucking someone else. --- YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE GIVEN THIS INFORMATION. IT OBVIOUSLY HURTS. this is _exactly_ how it went with sheila because my brother was always reporting to me if she was fuckin' dudes and i couldn't help myself but to try and get her back then, even though i was doing just fine without her for weeks/months. maybe now that ur bro and sis aren't there it will be better. --- BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME HES FUCKING SOMEONE - INCLUDING THIS TIME - **U FIND A WAY TO GO**. --- after seeing what he did to your brother, your sons, you, me, craig, lana, your mother, dogs, possessions, car, etc **HOW COULD U POSSIBLY LOVE OR RESPECT HIM**? --- can't u see that he systematically fucking removed **EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY**? --- u wanna know why? now he can really fucking control u. he no longer has tom worry about looking like a douche in front of your kids or brother. --- if i can survive what u dragged me through and i had no rebound and no family or friends to help, lost my job and became homeless... then u can *certainly* fucking live without mark. --- you have endless rebounds, one of which is amazing (me), places to live, support from family and friends, and the biggest pro is that u finally get to be back with your kids, or at least close to them. --- its been 2 months since u "moved into ken's" and u've *maybe* stayed there one night, u just got a bed finally, but really you just live at mark's and come down once every month or two. are u ok with that? what happens when your car actually breaks down and neither u or mark can afford one? --- your kids are old enough to see that u chose mark over them and i guarantee they aren't happy about it. **don't be weak**. think of how ur family is hurting. --- i cannot believe u proposed to him. what the fuck is wrong with u. --- **U *NEED* TO QUIT TWEAKIN**. don't worry about *me*. *i'm* not the one goin' haywire. you have gone off the fucking rails girl. --- **SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. REALIZE WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE. WHO WILL BE THERE WHEN U ARE OLD? WHO DOESN'T GIVE UP ON YOU? WHO HAS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE? WHO DOESN'T PLAY GAMES AND MANIPULATE YOU?** your *kids*, *family* and *i*. --- i mean, can u even imagine a formal wedding for you two? it would be a joke. i feel like people would be giggling under their breath as the pastor spoke of the true undying love u have for each other, 2 weeks at a time. --- this is my last fucking cry to save ur life. i'm not doing this for me. **please save yourself** for fucks sake. --- everyone else gave up trying to save u, but i've got a little left in me. *this is it*. **figure ur shit out or i'm gone and refuse to know u.** --- if u need *anything* i will help u. i'll get u counseling, i'll go with u to meetings, i'll read books and self-help recovery articles with u, i'll help u work on self-esteem and most of all - **QUIT DOPE**. --- *now* is the time, it will only get harder. do it for your *family*. --- **i love u**, i hope u choose wisely. --- **if not**, keep the dope and the money, u'll need it -- and please don't talk to me ever again, or at least until you gain self-respect and don't tolerate/excuse abuse. --- people that love you can only take so much, it hurts them to see u treated like shit and when u refuse to listen, the only choice they have is to walk away because it has become too much of a burden on their life to love you while u refuse to do anything about the abuse. --- ## afterword: insight, analysis --- we already know that you are in a psychologically and physically abusive relationship with a textbook narcissist possibly with BPD or Bipolar. --- i've told you many times that you may be in love, but it is a love based on addiction and overall fear/negativity/jealousy. --- it's a term called "love addiction". and you are fucking textbook. --- **from [what is love addiction? psych central](https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-is-love-addiction#2):** --- > Love addicts spend much time, effort on a person to whom they are addicted. Love addicts value this person above themselves, and their focus on the beloved other often is obsessive. --- > This behavior results in love addicts neglecting to care for themselves in a variety of ways, in essence abandoning important aspects of their lives and well-being to stay connected to the object of their affections. --- > To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy. --- > As with any addiction, recovery from love addiction is a process of self-discovery. It requires taking specific steps: breaking through denial and acknowledging the addiction; owning the harmful consequences of the addiction; and intervening to stop the addictive cycle from occurring. --- > Love addicts experience withdrawal symptoms. --- **more specifically in your case:** --- > People addicted to love tend to attract love-avoidant partners because both individuals have a fear of being abandoned and controlled. --- > Love-avoidant individuals are also emotionally unavailable individuals. Avoidant partners are afraid of being smothered by their addicted partners, and they are afraid to show their true emotions. --- > This is why they tend to enter into relationships with people who lack emotional boundaries or have difficulty thinking for themselves. When someone addicted to love and a love-avoidant person get together, their relationship can trigger feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, chaos and dependency. --- People with love addiction may display the following behaviors: --- * **Constant searching for new romantic partners** --- * Difficulty spending time alone --- * **Using sex to keep a partner interested** --- * **Consistently picking partners who are abusive** --- * **Frequently starting relationships with emotionally unavailable people** --- * **Avoiding friends and family members to pursue romantic relationships** --- * **Confusing sex with love** --- * Feelings of desperation when not in a relationship --- * **Unhappiness in romantic relationships** --- * Avoiding relationships for long periods of time --- * **Constant cycle of whirlwind relationships** --- * **Difficulty leaving bad relationships** --- * **Returning to abusive or emotionally unavailable partners** --- sounds pretty much spot on to me. --- **some common consequences of love addiction:** --- * Engaging in risky sexual behaviors to maintain the interest of an avoidant partner. --- * Unexplained physical pain. --- * Unhealthy habits to cope with emotional pain. --- * Other addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol). --- > The emotional pain of losing a loved one or facing rejection often feels overwhelming for this person --- > Love addiction affects family, friendships, and romantic relationships too. When family members and friends point out addictive behavior, the addicted person may respond with denial, aggression, or hostility. --- > The cycle of addiction will continue with infatuation for a new relationship, followed by periods of highs and lows during which the person may experience reduced self-esteem and exhibit self-destructive behaviors to cope. --- > This process affects not only the addicted person, but also his or her loved ones, so it is important to seek help to break the cycle of addiction. --- **there is no cure for it. and u can't go to rehab (yet). u can see counseling, or loved ones can talk:** --- * Using nonjudgmental tones and words. * Offering to attend family therapy sessions. * Avoiding making accusations. * Offering support and empathy. * Avoiding bringing up past behaviors. --- **interestingly, they found that love addiction is almost identical to addictions such as gambling:** --- > If pathological love is an addiction, then it must be a behavioral addiction. Behavioral addictions (**like gambling addiction**) do not require the consumption of a psychoactive substance, but they share other characteristics with substance addictions. --- > For instance, like a person in early stages of drug use, people addicted to love might at first experience intense pleasure, satisfaction, and euphoria. Then they become preoccupied with these experiences, showing signs of dependence like “increased amounts of the behavior to achieve the desired emotional effect”—in this case, “increased time spent love-seeking.” --- > Other signs of addiction to love would include “**urges to continue engaging in the behavior despite trying to stop**,” such as feeling alone and desperate when no longer in a relationship; and “**persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control the behavior**,” such as deciding to never fall in love again, yet replacing “ended relationships immediately.” --- **and there's this:** --- > most people realize that the wonderful initial feeling of new love doesn’t (and can’t) last forever. In healthy long-term relationships, the initial love gradually gives way to a more mature love – one that is perhaps less intoxicating and euphoric, but ultimately much more fulfilling and stable. --- > For those prone to love addiction, however, the loss of that initial euphoria is akin to the crash that drug addicts feel when their drug of choice wears off. They crave the “high” and begin the search for another fix. --- **a more complete list of traits (not all apply to everyone):** --- * Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love --- * Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship --- * **When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness** --- * When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone --- * **Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off** --- * Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone --- * **When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness** --- * ***Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive*** --- * Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking **but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs** --- * **Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner** --- * ***Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner*** --- * Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner --- * **Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions** --- * ***Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship*** --- * Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships --- * bingo - ***Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so*** --- * ***Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so*** --- **According to Pia Mellody, there are four phases of recovery from love addiction.** **check out #1** --- 1. **The first step is to address any other addictive processes, such as alcoholism, eating disorder, etc.** --- 2. The second step is to “disengage from the addictive part of the relationship process.” --- 3. The third step is to find a therapist, if necessary, to help deal with unresolved childhood pain. Mellody explains, “In my experience, most people who recover from toxic relationships as adults first need therapeutic help with their internal residue of unresolved and harmful feelings from childhood.” --- 4. The fourth step is to work on the underlying co-dependent symptoms. ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---