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# System prepended metadata

title: the last letter(s)

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# the last letter(s)

not every part of these is still relevant... but try to use the context.

as far as i can tell, we are finally done. it would appear that u got me for all the edd that i would be getting since probably when u came back in september. literally, all of it. i haven't paid rent anywhere since october. think about that. 

now i've lost the only job that would take me in like 6 months of failed interviews. 

im already kicked out of my san diego house, and my dad is not thrilled with me. while he doesnt think i bought drugs with the money, he doesnt understand how i keep losing it all.

maybe u didnt take this last bit that i really needed. i hope not. im fucked if i run out of shit. i wanted u to quit with me... but u woudnt even hear me out on my offer.

my guess is u won't ever read this. maybe someday u will come across it. 

not sure why, its kinda irrelevant, but _maybe_ you might get a sense of what it was like to be me in these situatons.

i'm currently gathering your belongings, getting ready to file fraud/police report, and tempted to delete every account and image/photo i have access to in hopes that u might return my accounts. 

how did we come to this? were u just using me the whole time? maybe ill ever know really how u felt or didnt feel.

---

## part one [vday and following trip]

**backstory**: i dont really know if this was complete or not, but it was an attempt at showing how ridiculously biased u were towards mark by counting the goood/bad that each of us did crossed with what u did.

### MARK

#### ❔ what he did

##### ➕ positives

- uh? big dick?

##### ➖ negatives

- kicks you out 2 nights ago with no money/food etc over FB pw
- of course the usual slut whore etc. name calling
- beats u up, chokes u and pulls ur hair, sits on u folder and basically causes ur unborn fetus to die (aka miscarriage)
- burned shit
- slashes two(?) of your tires
- chases u in emmerich's car all over visalia and  go down a one way street to get away
- invites some chick over and brags about fucking her to u
- tire pops (allegedly) on your way back. no spare, no phone chargers causing u to ghost me til 9am and **keep me up all night**
  - at 6am i said fuck it and hacked ur fb so i could find out waht county to check sheriff arrests.. it says u were in three rivers, huh?
  - KEEP IN MIND ALL THIS WAS CAUSED BY MARKS TIRE SLASHING
- you (or me) have to buy new tires
- this incident causes u to want to never talk to me again!
- you rage on me for hacking fb and trying to find u yet **he was the one who gave me access to your account in the first place**



#### what u did to provoke/prompt all this
- fb pw fights
- staying out at casino spending not his money
- being a girl?
- getting pregnant?
- fucking craig cuz he wouldnt fuck u
  - (hm, so this is what i shoulda done when u didnt fuck me



### MATT

#### ❔ what he did

##### ➕ positives
- gave u $2k over 2 weeks to gamble
- dope
- phone bill
- gas money
- shopping money
- emotional support
- support in getting in/out of visalia
- constantly told u how ur the sexiest girl on this planet
- wrote u a poem and made cute pic out of it
- forgave u for vday
- didnt let pregnancy change how i felt about u
- hid all of this from my dad
- got u more dope
- gave u all my btane
- offered massage and bubble bath for vday
- ate your delicious pussy
- toook u to the casino and spent $300 with u
- gave u like $2000 more throughout the trip

##### ➖ negatives

- snooped
- cried cuz hurt
- communicated with marl

#### what u did to provoke/prompt all this
- stood me up twice
- endless ghosting STILL
- fucked and sucked everyone except me
- gambled without me with my money 
- spent TONs on clothes or something
- made him unable to pay rent
- unable to pay bills
- unable to buy white claw
- unable to buy butane, used candles
- out of dope and food
- not only spent it all but took my only card for 2 weeks
-  lied to me over and over about literally eveything
- spent your only day with me snoooping for 15 hours
- blamed  me for him burning your stuff
- blamed me for ur tire popping and ghosting
- told mick im a fucking weirdo when u cheated on me with him and i had to find out
- told me u fucked beto, whom i fucking messaged and talkd shit
- told me craig was nothing to worry about, fucked him more in 1week than u did me in the past year
- generally cold terse dismissive and mean
- refuse to do anything i ask favors for
- web of lies about coming


_at the end of all of this he sent u the cheesiest cliche generic lovenote i've ever seen, in which not once did he even say "i love u" (NO 143 DOES NOT COUNT FUCK THAT PAGER CODE SHIT). "i just regret not catching you when u fell..." yeah, too busy strangling her. it actually has nothing to do with loveletters or how nice anyone is. write u shit 247, fuckin poetry, cool images of us, and u never even acknowledge it. but he copypastes some hallmark card and you are like "stop im melting" forgetting how he beat u senseless 1 week before_


--- 

## part two [Feb 15, 2021]

**backstory**: this was originally to be a slideshow, hence weird formatting. i guess i just wrote this out to make sure i wasn't insane in my feelings. you often made me feel crazy. but mostly just destroyed my heart.

😕😕

---

### what

**basically:**

- i "gave" u an all expenses paid vacation to go fuck someone while u stood me up on valentines day,- included `gas`, `drugs`, `hotel`, `ample gambling`, a new `outfit`, `dinner`, and probably some leftover for `cell phone bill` and more `gas`/etc.
- this comes after me spending hundreds and hundreds over the last month getting u back to SD + time/effort.

---

### NOT TO MENTION THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF EFFORT ON BOTH OUR PARTS TO KEEP IT ALIVE THROUGH THE MARK BULLSHIT

- celibacy (mostly me not knowing)
- cheating
- ghosting
- complete surprise moves / trip
- secret phones
- telling me it was all fake for months only to find out it wasn't
- using me as a mark jealousy tool (fake proposal)
- leaving us with nothing and always staying far too long
- lies compounding on lies

---

- 10s of thousands of dollars
- 2 overdoses
- 2 attempted suicides
- minor relapse
- possible alcohol problem
- major depression preventing socializing, employment, friends and family
- major self-esteem issues
- major sexual insecurities
- lost both my cars
- told family i relapsed to accept valerie on her first trip homecoming
- almost no support system due to not being able to tell family/friends

---

### what (cont)


- when u saw me breaking down because i had a 6th sense u werent coming back....
    - you reassured me saying u'd be back and to calm down
    - you looked me in the eyes smiling as u left saying see u soon or something
    - how do u lie like that?
- your phone number in viejas system was beto's... ?
- this is why u were so quick to say that hotels were filled and didn't really care to check? but u got a room
- why buy all the food and stuff that you liked with foodstamps?
- why great time at casino with me?
- why did u spend $200 at target?
- who paid for the room? discount or free?
- do u feel bad.. at all
- assuming mick got there the following day, u ditched me on vday to gamble away all my money without me?
- early checkout?

---

### hate to kinda say it like this but being real

- you could have avoided all of this by being honest with me and others and not ditching me on valentines day; spending every cent i have and then ghosting me.

---

### if u woulda told me

> "hey i'm done, u don't know how to respect my borders, i'm going to fuck craig and be with mark"

---

### or even when u were down there... telling me like an adult

> "hey i'm ok, look it's not going to work between us and i'm not coming back"

---

### instead u

- snooped for 15 hours
- lied bout being late for kids
- avoided any intimacy
- promised me u'd spend vday night with me
- spent all my money and ghosted me for 2 days....

---

### what would you do? what would *anyone* do

---

### and *i'm* not the one who burned your stuff nor did i think he would do that

---

#### but sure, ill take the blame if it makes u feel better

---

### and u broke up with me via **text**

- by telling me to "*get fucked* after everything i've done for u

---

### making fun of someone for being heartbroken over you is pretty low and dirty -- someone cared for u so much that they were absolutely *distraught* by the way u did them and *u* make fun of them?

- the tweak has got u twisted my dear.

---

### remember what ur throwing away here and be reminded that u probably wont find someone like me ever again -- both with the kids and u and has a career and good family and dedication and  moral compass

---

### think of how we got where we are

- this all happened because *mark fucked ur life up*.
- *every single* aspect of it.

---

### we were happy

- and now ur letting the after effects destroy us even more, taking any chance of salvation and spitting on it.
- instead of just trying to be happy with me again.
- not even giving it a week or two... *you didn't even give me a full day of trying.*
- not even trying once to physically connect with me 

---

### i sat around for 8 months so u could come snoop for 15 hours and spend the rest of my money at a casino and ditch me on valentines day? like really... *that was the payoff*? *that* was how it ended?

- if so, then entire time u must have lead me on...

---

### please step back and reconsider things

- ur throwing away all of that effort and time calling/texting for months, going back and forth and not being sure....
- all because when u came back and acted weird /distant and paid more attn to craig and ur phone and my laptop than me and **I WAS INSECURE AND CURIOUS to see your shit**? even if i wasn't insecure due to your actions, is that really a good reason to throw all this away? *years of work?*
  - despite having a great time on saturday night...

---

### why would i be insecure?

 you:

- cheated on me more times than i can count with at least 2 people
- gambled all my money away
- didn't fuck me for 6 months and still haven't
- left me on thanksgiving and for dead to be homeless....
- lied to me more than u ever told the truth
- so many other fucked up things that i wont recount...

---

###  and you are saying we are "done" because i wanted to see your shit kinda to make sure u weren't being shady, *when u actually WERE being shady?*
***excuse me?***

---

### and i should be *more understanding*

-  and *not flip out* if i'm **stood up on vday** and find out **u stole everything** from me and then **ghosted me** and **fucked your drug dealer in a casino hotel**?
- i mean, i'm seriously going to write a book about u and name it "el diablo"
- ***i forgave u for everything*** and then u threw it in my face again

---

### so i beg u

- **step back and think about this**
- realize your PMSing/tweaking
- think about everything in context and how it all stems back to mark fucking your life up
- and **THAT** is how u got here and not in a big fucking house with me and the kids being happy.
- **but know that that is in the cards still if u drop all this shit and come home to me**
  - or just live at kens getting off with random drug dealer players in hopes u find someone like me again

---

### look, maybe i'm crazy... but

i find it very difficult to believe u spent *months and months* of effort and risking u and mark's relationship so when it was finally over u could cast me off like this....

- over something minor and literally caused by *your* infidelity in the beginning


---

### real shit right now

think about this really hard:

- i have to pay bills and my dad rent.
- i'm going to tell him/family what u did and probably a lot of other shit...
- to get some leeway and maybe a fucking shrink.

---

### ill give a few days buffer time to cool off and think this over

*against my better judgment*

- he doesn't know anything

---

### so u went from

- having a confident, non snooping trusting dedicated handsome smart bf in a luxury condo with ur kids...
- to in a hotel room trying to fuck resident dj, living at kens again and starting the search all over for a good guy with a beat down car that barely runs, $0 to your name and no cell phone or dope and no one to care for u when everyone else leaves u after they hit it.

because u were PMSing and got mad at my insecurity caused by your shade.

---

### a couple last words

- assuming you don't change your mind: u promised me u would never break up via text, and would try face-face. i would like the money and my card back, asap please.
- some closure items/truths:
  - cheating with mick
  - u used me this whole time for comfort/money/backup -- as evident by u tossing me the second u got back over a minor reason

---

### closure items contd

  - the whole u don't cum with anyone else thing was just to make it easier for u to get into my head
  - u lost physical attraction to me a long time ago
  - u never really cared if i was in pain or really about me at all if u think about all things and how it ended....

---

### closure items contd

  - you may want to cast blame on me for things like your stuff burning, but realize that all of this is happening because u believed the false dream that mark sold u and literally everyone warned u about but u didn't listen, even U KNEW:

    > i know im being stupid. i know this wont end well, but for some reason i can't not do it

    - *you*, many times

---

### i predicted this exact outcome as far back as april, minus the last minute mick stuff. and i knew it would break my fucking heart to see u back at kens where we loved each other with such purity in that stupid hot garage just laying around listening to music, when times were simple....

---

### please think about how much shit i went through to finally get u back in San Diego. from bearing through all the cheating, moving back and forth, lies,  ghosting, breadcrumbing, gambling, car-thieving, suicidal drug binges, minor relapses, job shit, money problems, parents hating me... and this weekend was the culmination of all of this effort? this can mean nothing else than u never gave a single fuck about me. plain and simple. ouch. ouch. ouch

---

#### do the right thing and give me a chance while i'm still willing to give it. i am truly sorry about your things and u know i will help u recuperate it as much as possible

---

### in no way meant for this to be hostile towards you and i apologize if, at times, it felt like i attacked u; it was hard given the cold, brutal events  that transpired this weekend

---

### your phone got shut off and ur busy with mick so u probably wont see this until its too late

---

### bottom line

- with all the shit people have done to wrong u and u've forgiven them, is me being sad over losing u worth losing someone who was at the very least a good reliable friend for life?

---

### I will always love you and the kids valerie buttler. i will never forget this strange year of cabals and fake diseases and satanic bullshit like tool. i will never forget the condo we shared happily until ur ex infiltrated our lives and cursed you with demons that ended us here

---

### ✅ fix it

- reverse it all. give me a chance. give yourself a chance at a normal happy life that you fucking deserve.
- i can still ask about the LA house...

---

### ❌ if not

- i hope to see u in person one last time for my card and whatever money u can muster at the moment

---

thank u for making me a better person and helping me quit heroin.

## part one [march 5, 2021]

taking your own life is normally cowardly, weak and selfish.

but at some point there is enough pain or cruelty that does warrant a person the option of stopping it all in exchange for life.

what i have experienced over the past year and culminating on my 37th birthday more than qualify.

my self-esteem was already depleted. my ego gone. i dont know what confidence means. i havent had sex or been intimate with anyone in almost a year. i watched my girlfriend fuck multiple other men and come home and ignore me or accuse me of cheating.

ive been lied to, deceived, robbed, ghosted, and all around shat on so many times that it doesnt even hurt anymore. im a numb, lifeless shell of a human.

every time i get hopeful, it's as if she sees it as a rare opportunity to capitalize on my pain. bring me up as high as she can, then obliterate his soul the very last minute.

this last one is all  i can take. currently, i'm sitting  in tears as she revenge fucks her ex to add to the already horrible punishment she subjected me to:

- after 8 months of waiting for valerie to return to me from mark and really try to make us work, she spends 2 days fully engorged in my laptop, completely ignores me and any attention i give her is met with chagrin.
- i beg to eat her pussy which i feel she only agreed to because i slowly massaged her to turn her on for like an hour. i also mentioned casino. she obliged and when it came to my turn, she said she was too hungry for BJ and ddnt shower so no sex, handjob for less than a minute.
- ditched me cold on vday no call no show, borrowed cc for gas, took all my weed
- refused intimacy before leaving claiming to be late for kids. calls me a shallow sex addict saying thats all i care about (despite sticking around for 8 months with 0 intimacy) eventually offers a pity BJ but i refuse. i last like 2 minutes so this was completely fucking bullshit, then she ices he cake and doesnt even go see kids!
- instead spent hours at pechanga (still in temecula) and $400, shopped at target for $200, then went to viejas and spend the rest ($800) all meanwhile stll ghosting me as i sat in the dark with a candlelit bath starting at the wall wondering when she would show
- next day -- got a room at viejas and hung out with her ex, lied about it and ghosted the entire time after she left me so i had no idea what i did wrong or who she was with or if she was coming back to make it up
- picked up the phone mid conversation with a guy in her room and told me she was fucking beto because i deserved it, then ghosted me. i talked shit to beto because i was pissed, which could have literally gotten me killed. we later found out it was mick anyways.
- uses remainder of money to fill tank to drive to visalia to go meet her new guy craig, and fucks him in yet another hotel, doesn't tell me she even went to visalia, and doesnt bother returning my credit card or leaving me with anything except like 1 week of groceries
- after fucking craig she finds out she is pregant from mark, still ghosts me and ends up staying with mark for  a while, still not telling me
- mark tells me the pregnancy details, still dont know why she left me on vday or what she did or anything
- finally talk to her and she tells me to stop trying to fuck her her and marks future together, continues to ghost.
- im out of food, white claw, drinks, etc, still ghosted -- dad is broke, and i have no way t get to store to steal shit
- i tell her ill pay for her phone bill if she doesnt ghost and installs telegram. she proceeds to get a full tank of gas instead that night, and then pulls $1000 out and tells me she meant $100, all the while still ghosting and never installed telegram. she gambles the entire $1000 next day, and goes 16 hours no contact iwt me right after i paid her celly.
- partly due to the gambling, mark beats her up, she miscarries then mark slashes her tires when she decided that was enough. 
- she pulls out the last $400 to pay for tires and her shit, gets them replaced, but instead of coming to feed me and give me card, she goes and sucs/fucks craig in 3 rivers, ghostig me.
- next day they say they are leaving and call me when they get on the road, 3 hours later flat tire, call me distressed and then both their phones die and i dot know what happeend til 11 hours later. somehow they were back in 3 rivers and just getting tire fixed. didnt leave?
- *.... this is where i stopped writing*



## part three [march 10, 2021]

**backstory**: this was just something kinda taking the day of my birthday and putting it in perspective of our past and how, in that scope, what i did was not that bad, and what you did just made everything you had already done that much worse. the icing on the cake if u will.

---


- val withholds sex and intimacy from matt for basically a year
- val routinely cheats with 1 guy, and occasionally others
- matt begs u for one thing: to hang out on his bday
- matt gets word and has evidence suggesting that val is going to ditch him
- matt was already taking to some girl about getting molly for him and val to enjoy
- matt finds out shes planning on splitting and in a rage he tells molly girl the events (100% true mind u) that had transgressed, and molly girl asks to hang out
- valerie ends up ditching him despite denying that she would, matt gives her til 6pm and says he will cancel molly girl if she can call him and work someting out. he doesnt wanna be stuck alone on bday after all.
- val calls 20 mins after 6,  too late. matt already committed but didnt matter cuz they were going to visalia, despite claiming she wasnt all day.
- matt has terrible time, spends a lot of it talking to valerie and pays $100 for dinner he didnt want
- no sex, no bj, no kiss, matt sleeps on couch because he just wants valerie; even tho she doesnt want him and she is on her way to mark
- she gets into his fb and sees the chat and takes all his money, locks him out of work account and disables dads admin account. complete lockout
- parents accuse matt of lying and buying drugs with the money, causes a huge fight and they now arent talking anymore, am not welcome and have to leave first thing in morning
- dad hates me because i lose rent every single check, is amazed at how stupid i am
- mark rubs it in and tells me to stop watching porn and that it must suck to know valerie is fucking everyone but me with my money
- valerie knows she was going to fuck mark cuz she never cant not, but she makes sure to maximize matts pain and tells him shes going to fuck tonight just to hurt him, after not fucking matt for about a year so he can really feel awesome imagining marks huge dick inside her ravaging her pussy while he doesnt even remember what her pussy feels like. so, wont fuck matt for a year for no reason, but fucks someone simply to make matt feel pain in revenge, knowing full well how cruel and unusually sinister fucked up that even sounds.
- matt begs and pleads for her not to hook up, should be ez since she did t for him every single time. 
- matt even offers the rest of his EDD if she doesnt
- matt gives ultmatum that he is gone if they hook up
- next morning @ 10am val says she is on her way to SD... matt calls her around 4 and she says "OH JK WE GOIN TO FRESNO"
- matt was fucked, kicked out, no ride to temecula, no money (val lied ad said i had $800 in acct), no cell hphone and every single account i own is locked.
- she ghosts for 3 more days, explains nothing and matt still has no account access


## part four [March 10, 2021]

**background**: this was and could be the last full letter i ever wrote. the day after my horrible birthay. realizing what had transpired. little did i know you had more pain in store for me.

---

jesus.

i love you valerie. dont think that will ever change. ive been holding onto you, waiting to see some sign that u love me. i get your word but ive never once seen action. every single time you have a chance to show it, you completely fuck everything up -- worse than i could have imagined. whether it be vday, birthday, or simply saying ur gunna be somewhere and then u end up 500 miles away fucking your ex. 

you've always loved to spend all of *OUR* money. i don't dig that, but it's not something i'm going to leave u for and for some reason i *maybe* secretly like it, maybe cuz i feel important and can facilitate. however, we are clearly not together, we havent been together since march 2020, or really Dec. 31  2019 if you really want to go back to the roots of all of this. 

what you have done lately cant be described as anything but outright **STEALING**. it kinda really dawned on me today as i tried to figure out how you got these money orders without my card, how u swapped my card and intended to burn me, how u burned me the week before so cleverly, how every time i tried to lock you out, you assumed my identity and regained access, that it wasn't cute anymore -- this isn't harmlessly taking ur hubby's credit card to barona. this is a straight **criminal** act, and borderline gross identity theft as this last one has unfolded. it sounds so cold, non-personal, professional, heartless -- you were almost too good for me to believe, so much that my dad is convinced this must be a professional with the money orders, not having the card, and the perfectly executed lockout of all of my accounts. also, he didnt *wanna* believe it was u because of how cold u would have to be to do something like that **on my birthday**. *how you knew* i didnt have rent and did it anyway. *how u knew* my dad is poor and did it anyway. usually guys that are used like this at least get some ass... sugar daddys... im not getting a single blow job. im not getting any respect, you dont help me when i need it and u blame me for things mark does, to really rub it all in. spending *OUR* money is not the same as *STEALING* *my* money. stealing from people u dont know is shitty, stealing from a loved one is just pure wrong. i cant trust u with my credit card, at all. that is terrible. what do i get out of our relationship? at this point it seems like all i get is occasionally driven around and driven crazy.

many times now i have had absolutely critical needs that could be resolved in a few minutes convo. u cannot be found, anywhere, for days. you locked me out of my entire life - including my PASSWORD MANAGER, all of my contacts, my cloud storage documents, my SMS/text messaging/phone calls, my facebook/instagram/youtube and every single service that i use Google to login. you managed to disable my fucking DADS email, and my professional email, not only does it make me unable to respond or read anything, i was supposed to submit background check before end of week. i didnt even have their fucking emails to tell them what happened. it looks bad. very bad. 

you flat out lied to me about being on your way down at 10am, AGAIN.  timeline showed u just drove around visalia shopping and shit for 5 hours, then when i told u i was kicked out and i needed you to pick me up, you told me to take an uber. first off you have my phone. second off, you left me with $0. third you told me to go check a fucking aTm and take out $800 u knew wasnt there. like.. holy shit. i dont know if i believe u at all regarding the refunds.

in general, the double standard u take when it comes to me and mark is in-fucking-sane. i wont go into specifics, but he is allowed to commit murder and u will make excuses, or even blame me. 
meanwhile, i commit crimes which are common everyday couple things, etc and u punish me severely or even let me go and tel me to never speak to u again.

What you did on Thanksgiving was so beyond disrespectful to me and my family... then you made me do the entire condo alone over the most depressing holidays ive experienced.

i mean, i could go on for fucking ever. thousands of things: cheating and lying bold face, buying mark tings with my money, overdrafting me every time u went to visalia, never coming back on time, not once ever making any effort to reduce ghosting, secret phones (2 at least), faking religion and premarital sex morals to avoid intimacy (+other excuses), hating every gift i ever got u, completely not reading articles or texts i send u dozens of times, accusing me of cheating or having chats, fucking mick on ur way home from cheating on me with mark, getting angry / threatening to leave me when i accuse u of plotting with mark, when u were plotting with mark, getting very angry when im so hurt that i cry, threatening to leave if i dont stop, throwing me under the bus and saying i relapsed to save your reputation, only for u to go live with mark 1 week later, lied to me about buying pills to sell, instead u had a vacation to viejas with mark and gambled. lied to me for months about how serious u were about mark. lied to me about new years BJ, july period fucking, duo fapping (dozen times from sep to nov), gave me blue balls on many occasions, never cleaned or did laundry, left me with a washer/dryer to steal, had me rent a uhaul instead of a  car because u needed it to move to marks, used your sister/mom to communicate with mark behind my back for months on end while u kept innocent convos on open channels. you would spend hours talking to mark in front of my face, send him selfies, and even ignore me completely while u did it. you planned a fake proposal to me just to make mark jealous and we bought $200 of sex shit, but u spent the entire night arguing with mark while i fell asleep without so much as a kiss. ditched helping me clean for mom, ghosted and fucked mark in OUR HOTEL room, and instead of being sympathetic and apologizing and leaving with me to comfort me, u spend 2 more days in SD with him, ghosting me. intentionally fucking our anniversary. recruiting your sister to take care of me. going to visalia with a phone but had a l  i could literally go on and on and on and on...

look at all of this. and i can easily already think of a hundred of other things. now, what do u think gives u the right to exact punishment on me for things like talking shit to a girl no one knows because i found out u made plans to ditch my birthday? or leave me with no money food or dope because i was worried about u cuz u ghosted and found u in a hotel with a dude after ditching me on vday and spending a grand, refusing me any action while lying about being late to kids. then fucking mark/mick/craig and leaving me blue balls when none of them have done anything for u compared to me.

*the few times i really needed u, u didnt even try to come through.*

i covered for ur terrible antics even when my image took a hit. i lied for ur casino habits causing us to be late on rent every time.

sex and intimacy are what make a relationship different than a friendship. without it, it is impossible to form a romantic, spiritual bond with anyone. you have basically artificially destroyed our bond by withholding intimacy and letting our it atrophy slowly. at the same time, you still needed sexual fulfillment obviously, so u redirected your sexual needs from me to mark, and since he wasnt accessible, of course you missed him so much you couldnt handle it. tell me, how many times were u absolutely craving mark when we had a healthy sex life and fucked daily? were u craving mark when i just gave u 15 orgasms and we sat there with huge grins on our faces, thinking *"well, im in love and what else could i want from a relationship?*" i *really* doubt it. we grew apart, which pushed u to mark, which pulled us apart. etc. etc. to this day u keep up the claim that u arent feeling sexual. yet 90% of ur mark texts are about drinking his cum, choking on his cock, fucking u too hard, making u cum X times, making u squirt multiple times, talking about how he just broke u off good, giving him road head and showering with him, duo-fapping (something ive literally never even done with u once... ouch), threesomes, getting pregnant, complaining about not enough sex and begging him to fuck more, making 30 min sex tapes, period sex when promised celibate, cheating on me in november when u hadnt fucked me in months (ouch), and overall you just seem to be extremely over the top sexual with him at the same time ur telling me ur not. this week u told me all the sexual texts were to get money and u werent even going. but then u ended up going ON MY BIRTHDAY, and fucked him the first night after i begged u not to just one time, and offered u $3000 if u could do it, after all u do it for him over and over no problem. so, it wasnt about getting money, and u definitely lied bout not going.... so the sexual texts were real after all, meaning ur literally just completely unattracted to me. the guy who makes fun of ur vagina being shitty and calls u a slut more than he says he loves u gets action, i dont.

then possibly the biggest fucking let down....waited almost year, struggling through the worst depression filled ghost roller coaster id ever seen. you were coming back. finally. all of my patience and fortitude was beginning to finally bear the fruits of hope. oh, just kidding, enter CRAIG! it's as if the archons knew.... and found something to temporary while they reworked their master plan. but oh man  did this sting.

so this is my huge fucking problem. u never gave me even close to a fair chance at making u happy after april 2020. u did nothing but pick fights, spend money, plot and scheme, accuse, project, cheat and call me a sex addict for wanting to fuck my gf once a month, or on our anniversary, etc. when u came back, you still didn't give me a fair chance. there were maybe a few sets of contiguous days, but not really.

despite the fact mark isnt going anywhere soon, he always takes u back, etc, u basically refuse to give me a fair shot. i believe the archons are fucking scared to death of this, and they work overtime to try to prevent it, as well as making love / spiritual connections because it could literally snap u out of possession for periods of time when u might gain some clarity.

here's the real ultimate problem and solution.

after reading for about a year on archons/possession, im like 90% u are victim. they specially target RH negatives. u are an ideal candidate because ur life impacts so many around u.
it is almost impossible to beat the archons when u decide to play their games. they have millions of years of experience. the ONLY thing u can do to defeat the archons is cut the related temptations out of ur life, no ifs and or buts, not side channels, just gotta have faith and leap and be confident that God will take care of you. its the same with quitting a drug. gotta  stop 100% or it will always pull u back in until it kills u.

i started writing this as a goodbye. but as usual, i looked thru pics of u and instantly felt helpless again.

unfortunately for me, i realize when u look at the big picture, it's so obvious to see all talk and no action. i'll even open it up to you here: when have u ever actually shown me you loved me and gone out of your way to help me, chose me over mark, did me a huge favor, came home earlier than u said, not cheated a single time u went to visalia, spent a night massaging me and cooking me stuff and do my laundry... just name one thing. and think about how many times uve heard me say "baby heres ur chance to show me u care....". i can think of 20+ times i said that, and every single one was ignored. from "show me u care and dont go to the casino tonight",  "show me you care and actually come straight home from visalia", "show me you care and dont ghost me tonight", "show me you care and dont fuck mark tonight", "show me you care and dont snoop next time we hang out", "show me you care by initiating any form of cuddling", "show me you care by hanging out with me on my bday", "show me u care by hanging out with me on vday", "show me you care by coming home with dope", "show me you care by not keeping your phone secret", "show me you care by ignoring mark", "show me you care by not lettig mark talk shit about me", "show me u care by not ignoring me while u text mark in my face".

one thing that particularly hurts is how obvious it is how u and mark view me as a complete joke. mark is never concerned with me fucking u. he doesnt care when ur at my place. he worries about djmick, beto, craig, etc. he always makes fun of me, talks about u fucking everyone but me, crybaby, little bitch, laughs and mocks me for not knowing your guys secret plot, both call me a fucking weirdo, you both laugh at stealing my money and using me while only giving up a few blow jobs so its worth it.

more recently he kept saying *"im matt now"* (speaking about how he's just some backup to craig), to which u replied *"no, not even close".* think about what that is saying: you are confirming that i was just a backup or worse, confirming that he is not that thing that i clearly am (he is much better), confirming i'm not even fucking close to being on his level, and confirming that u two have discussed what level i am on with you and he seems very convinced as to where he and i stand.

so, review all of this very quick. ouch right? what should i be thinking? what would u think? is there any fucking point whatsoever? do u think u could show me you love me and not just simply talk about it? do you love me? can u love me? is this all due to demonic shit maybe, and once u break free it will all go back to normal? is it possible that u just closed off to me and if u opened up things would be great? if that rang true and i could take all this and throw it in big "blame" box and label it with archonic posession, then forgive u, wouldnt that be nice? idk.

so what am i saying? i'm saying this: i simply cannot go on with this neglect and abuse and teasing and breadcrumbing and yoyoing and manipulation and lies any longer. it's tearing me apart, its ruining my reputation with my family every time i cover for your shit, it's causing huge amounts of depression from constantly being let down, killing my self-esteem and sexual confidence, making me question everything about myself. i was never that insecure about my dick size or premature ejac, but now i am all but sure thats a huge reason why ur not satisfied by me and fuck everyone else. your verbal reassurance that im bomb in bed just doesnt cut it after u dont fuck with me for a whole year. theres other reasons.

so that sounds like i'm gunna give up. 

yeah, pretty much. i wish i did a long time ago. 

here's the last thing that can save us...

u half move into dads / half mira mesa (flexible), u finish with mark in order to free the demons and ideally stop communicating (this isnt cuz i want u to, is literally just so the archons cant fuck with u), once u feel willing and able u give me a fair shot at love with u, in alignment with removing demons you minimize the amount of lies, casino, infidelity and ghosting (basically live as righteous as possible). im not expecting all that just to happen immediately. 

the idea then would be to save as much as i can while paying cheap rent and move into a house with u and the kids, to be stable and happy once again. ill be working remote for a while so i can really work on the relationship and family.

i dont have a whole lot of time before work. i suppose quitting dope could be an optional aspect but yea. ill give u some time to mope this over. ideally tell me ASAP but, let's make the **1 year mark of u first cheating on me** as the final decision point. we can then think of the last year as COVID mark demon bullshit that happened, and put it behind us and try to pretend we are back 1 year and see if we can continue from there.


im willing to change. i am capable of change. i respect your feedback and strive to do what it takes to fulfill your wants and needs. want me to be more dominant in bed or more assertive in everyday life? just say the word. 


sorry for the epic long letter. i guess the implications of it are serious and shou'd deem it's length worthy. i still feel it's far from being long enough; so much i would included.

> you showed me what love really is.
you showed me light when i was shrouded in darkness. 
you showed me life when i wanted death.
you opened my heart when it was locked shut
you replaced my fear with hope
you cured my anxiety and gave me security
you took the chaos and gave me structure
you helped me conquer my inner demons and find God



### some reading, yeah it's biased, chyaaa

- [A letter to the girls who let the nice guy go](https://www.relationshipsurgery.com/a-letter-to-the-girls-who-let-the-nice-guy-go-copy/)
- [Why girls never want nice guys until too late](https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/why-girls-never-want-nice-guys-and-why-its-too-late-when-they-do)
- [Too the girl who was too late](https://thoughtcatalog.com/frish-yaqubie/2014/07/to-the-girl-who-was-too-late/)
- [Dear nice guy: I wasn't ready for you before but I am now](https://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2014/04/dear-nice-guy-i-wasnt-ready-for-you-before-but-i-am-now/?utm_campaign=related&utm_source=thoughtcatalog&utm_term=anonymous)
- [Great partners do exist, don't settle](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/lmkg0l/great_partners_do_exist_dont_settle/)




