# Global Communications Collapse After One Man Texts 30 Million Friends: “yo, can I get a dollar” *Satellites fried. Pigeons exploded. Facebook is now legally a toaster.* **By Staff Morale, The Onion (Probably)** **July 20, 2025** **UNITED STATES** — What began as a seemingly harmless message: “yo, can I get a dollar?”, has escalated into what experts are calling the single greatest technological catastrophe in human history. The text, sent by 29-year-old Rahmed “@WavyPele” Johnson to his 30 million loyal friends, triggered an immediate and unrecoverable collapse of the global telecom infrastructure. Within seconds, data centers caught fire, satellites blinked out of existence, and entire nations dropped off the grid like a badly written *Black Mirror* episode. > “Our servers were fine,” said one visibly shaken engineer at Verizon. “Then... the message hit. One by one, the towers screamed.” --- ### Witnesses Describe Chaos Eyewitness reports claim that thousands of smartphones simultaneously overheated, fusing into pockets and creating what emergency services are calling “Denim Chernobyls.” In downtown Chicago, a rogue SMS signal melted a 5G tower and summoned three sentient Teslas that now roam the streets reciting text-to-speech donation requests. Meanwhile, pigeons (traditionally immune to data surges) were inexplicably affected. One exploded mid-flight, raining coins onto a confused mime. > “I was just watching *The Office*,” said Leila Ramirez, 22, now displaced. “Then my Roku whispered, ‘yo, can I get a dollar?’ and the screen filled with binary and... Steve Carell’s face just *wept.*” --- ### International Fallout The economic aftershocks have been devastating. The New York Stock Exchange attempted to recover using analog chalkboards, but they caught fire. Bitcoin briefly spiked to $30 million per coin before blockchain itself fled the planet. Elon Musk tweeted "wtf" in Morse code before launching himself into low Earth orbit to “reset the Wi-Fi manually.” --- ### Presidential Response President Donald Trump addressed the nation in an emergency press conference streamed via surviving shortwave radios and a modified Tesla dashboard. > “Thirty million people, one text, total disaster. Sad! You know, when I ask for money, we raise billions. This guy’s asking for a dollar. Total amateur, if you ask me. Is that begging? It’s probably illegal. I might have to look into that.” --- ### The Man Behind the Message When reached for comment via CB radio, Johnson seemed surprised at the backlash. > “I just figured, like, if they all gave me a dollar, that’s 30 mil, right?” he said. “Seemed easier than a GoFundMe.” Asked if he regrets the decision, he paused for a long moment before replying: > “Nah. I’m up four bucks already.” --- **Update:** NASA confirms the Moon now vibrates softly at 17 Hz, matching the default iPhone text alert tone. Coincidence? Sources say no.