---
tags: communication, peace, philosophy, emotions, NVC
---

- https://hackmd.io/@androclus/nvc
- Jeff Stern \<[e-mail]\>

# NVC: Non-Violent Communication

NVC is a way of restoring ***Natural Giving*** and ***true communication***.

Learn the 4 steps of NVC and use them in any conversation, and you have seriously upgraded your life.

## "Empathy": The four steps of NVC
1. The Objective ***Description***
- detailed, neutral/non-judgemental
2. ***[Universal Feelings](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory)***
3. ***[Universal Needs](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory)***
- not "strategies"
4. The ***Request***
- No ultimatums or coersion
- The person *does* get to say, "no"!

(x 2 people)

## What are the premises of NVC?
- ***Natural Giving***: people's natural state is to *want* to give, not be forced to..
- No coersion: People always get to *choose*
- "Communication" doesn't start until a heart connection is first made which allows Natural Giving
- Anything that we do out of fear of punishment or reward: we and everybody else will *pay for*

# What is the promise of NVC?
That through a simple shift in language, we can ..
- Have no coersion, even in the workplace.
- No more "punishment". No more "reward". Both create violence.
- No more duty, obligation, shame.
- No more "sorry"s
- Never see emotions as "negative" again
- Never be "hurt" again (as long as you're using it)!
- Get to the "bottom" of things for all parties
- Understand family, friends, even co-workers at a deeper level
- Save yourself from making mistakes you later regret
- Make life more enjoyable, refreshing, and interesting!
- It only takes 1 of the 2 people to know NVC..
- You'll *always* be able to find 1 or more solutions which will meet the needs of both sides!

## The two things people are mostly always saying
- "Please" <<<<<<
- "Thank you"

## Jackal vs. Giraffe
1. "Jackal-speak" and "jackal-ears" (violent)
- Game: "Who's Right?"
- blame, accusation
- "Suicidal" in terms of meeting our needs
- the other person first has to deal with defending the accusations against them before they can even begin to think about helping us meet our needs
2. "Giraffe-speak" and "giraffe-ears" (compassionate)
- Game: "Making Life Wonderful"
- this person may be raising their voice, or calling me names, but what if I ignore the accusations and ask myself:
- What do they really /want/?
- What /NEED/ are they trying to meet?

## The Object of NVC "Empathy"
- It builds a *heart to heart connection*, an *energy path* between you and the other person.
- Using that energy connection, now *true* communication can *start*, and *Natural Giving*

## Some Introductory Examples
- [Example page](https://hackmd.io/@androclus/nvc-examples)

## NVC in the work-place
- a lot more empathy may be required
- you'll have to "tone it down a little"
- may involve some "guess-work" about feelings and needs (but goes a long way)
- may have to "skip" feelings

## NVC Resources

There are many web sites, videos, and books on NVC

- Start with [Marshall's 3-hour San Francisco weekend training](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TONauJGfc). If you really *get* the four steps he covers, and their guidelines for usage, then you are ready to start trying it with a family member or friend.
- [Marshall's own web site](https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/)
- Books
- [Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life](https://bookscouter.com/buy/189200528X-nonviolent-communication-a-language-of-life-life-changing-to) - Marshall's first book
- [Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook](https://bookscouter.com/book/9781892005045-nonviolent-communication-companion-workbook-a-practical-guid?type=buy) - Lucy Leu
- [Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1892005220/) - Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson
- [Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real](https://bookscouter.com/book/9781892005212-being-genuine-stop-being-nice-start-being-real?type=buy) - Thomas D'Ansembourg
- Amazon searches (please don't buy from Amazon though. Support your local (and just) ‘mom and pops’)
- .. for ['NVC'](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=nvc&i=stripbooks&ref=nb_sb_noss_2)
- .. for ['Nonviolent Communication'](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=nonviolent+communication&i=stripbooks&crid=3LJD0KWJC5FJK&sprefix=nonviolen%2Cstripbooks%2C254&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_9)
- [Center for Nonviolent Communication](https://www.cnvc.org/)
- [Feelings Inventory](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory) - Print this out!
- [Needs Inventory](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory) - Print this out!
- [Find a training near you](https://cnvc.org/trainings)
- [Meetup.com](https://www.meetup.com) - Search for a Nonviolent Communication Practice Group near you
- [YouTube NVC Parenting Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQO7h9MNCqI&list=PLbcsblFvydZNTTd7wKq9qrSt_cASosc5Z)