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title: Nothing

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To the people I love.

You are getting this because I love you very much. Some of you I see a lot, some of you I see sometimes, some of you I have not talked to for a long time. Some of you I have known for many years, some of you I have known for less time. But all of you have made my life better, and I wanted to tell all of you. I want to start by saying that I love you all very, very much, and that when I die, I will be thinking of all of you. No matter what happens, I will always love you. I also want to say that this note is very long; I want to answer all your questions. I hope you will understand why I did this and why no one could stop me. It is the best thing I can do for you. I will never forget how good you all are to me or the things we did together. All of you are so amazing, so smart, so wonderful. I wish I could be like you. I'm sorry I was not strong enough. I'm sorry I was not a good son, brother, or friend. I'm so sorry if I hurt you and I'm sorry that I'm a bad person.

Most of you are aware that something changed. I'm not acting like my usual self. Please know that this is nobody else's fault but my own. I am very aware of what I am doing and I am very present right now. Perhaps more in the moment than I have ever been. I don't know if that information will make this easier or harder for you all, but I thought it was important to mention, even if only to reassure you all that there wasn't anything anybody could do for me, and that I don't want any of you to blame yourselves or others for the finality of my decision. I really cannot stress that enough. This outcome is not the fault of anybody but myself. There is nothing anybody could have done to help me at this point.

At some point, I just had accept that happiness just isn't something that exists within me. There is a gaping hole in my heart that I am incapable of healing, one that has been there for as long as I can remember regardless of what I do or who I have in my life. I don't blame anyone else for this, it's just me. I hate myself and I always try to be perfect, but I fail every time. I have wanted to die for a long, long time, Even before the first time I tried to kill myself. I used to think that things would get better, but now I know that they won't. I always ruin the good things in my life because they are not as good as the dreams I have in my head. I pretend that it's not my fault, but inside I blame myself for everything.

I keep doing things that I can't stop, even if I want to. I am broken beyond repair, and no longer have the strength to fight my demons. Some things just can't be fixed, and broken things like myself are incapable of truly loving or being loved back. I am haunted by my past, my present is unbearable, and the future does nothing but paralyze me with anxiety. Maybe it seems illogical to you all, but this is the only path that makes sense to me. Not that it would be logical to anybody anyways; the way my brain works doesn't even make sense to me. I'm not mad at anybody for that, least of all any of you. It's a complete failure on my part. How could anybody ever understand me, if I can't even understand myself? I just don't know how to "love myself." I don't know how to just "move forward." That's the advice from people that will never, ever understand what it's like to be me. I have never loved myself, and I never, ever will. There isn't anything worth loving within me.

I have lost all sense of joy and passion. I have no interest of enthusiasm for anything, not even the things that used me to bring me joy. I used to get immersed in manga and video games so deeply, but now they're just a way to kill time, nothing more. Any talents I may have are just a reminder to me that i have no skill or talents worth mentioning. I don't really like the food i eat. I can't even remember the last time I actually got excited about something. Everything just ends up being a disappointment. I don't know how I ended up like this. Maybe I was just born with this. Maybe I blind myself with belief that i was special, when i was clearly not. I have this version of myself in my head; one that is perfect, successful, brave, and so much more. I constantly live in a delusion, a world where all of my favorite fictions are real. The reality is that I am none of those things. I am nothing but a day dreamer who has wasted every oppoturnity i ever had. I know the difference between fiction and reality, but I can't help but compare myself to my ideal self. And the irony is that I'm actually the complete opposite of that idealized self. I am full of hatred and rage towards myself, and towards the world. I am terrified of this boiling anger that I keep hidden every single day. I am an asshole who pretends to be so much more kind and noble than I actually am…and I hate myself for that.

My actions never match my words. I act like I'm so intelligent, yet I constantly make awful decisions. I change who I am depending on who I talk to. It doesn't help me at all. All it does is cause me anxiety. I don't know why I feel the need to do it. Maybe it's to protect myself, but from what, I don't know. Despite how much I love you all, I don't think that I have ever trusted any of you with my whole heart. I don't say that to hurt you. It's more of a reflection of my inability to trust myself. I wish I could stop this behavior and pattern of thinking, but I find myself unable to change. I don't know if there ever was a real me. He's been dead for a long time. All you ever saw was just the leftovers of his death. But for once, in this moment i feel like maybe i have some control over my own life

I promise you all that I tried. I tried. I tried. I tried so fucking hard to fight this. I have tried so hard to find meaning in my life, and I just can't. Therapy doesn't work, meditation doesn't work, exercise doesn't work, my hobbies don't work, playing games doesn't work, doing those "how to deal with <put your stupid problem here>" doesn't work. Nothing ever gets better. Everybody always says things "get better." They don't. They just don't. I always hear the saying "don't make a permanent decision based on temporary problems." Sure, maybe the extremes are temporary, but the unhappiness and discontent that I feel every single day has been a part of me for as long as I can remember now. I spent years and years rebuilding myself just to get a state of "being better" before it all came crashing down again. I had a future, a real future, but instead of take the oppoturnity, I lost everything all over again. And again. And again. There is nothing in this world for me. My nihilism is an intrinsic part of who I am. Please don't misunderstand the meaning of my nihilism; it's not that I believe any of you have no value, it's just that I believe that MY life has no value and that I don't have a future that's worth living.

I'm tired of living a broken life where I'm constantly picking up the pieces around me and vaguely hoping to put them together. 

I'm tired of a life where the only escape from my thoughts is having to listen to a song and mindlessly doing random things 24/7 every single day. 

I'm tired of a life where I get glimpses of happiness just often enough to give me some amounts of hope, only for it to crushed by random things in life. I'm tired of existing in this way.
    
I can't put together any "self" of being okay anymore. No matter how many times I do that, no matter how sturdy of a foundation I try to build, it always comes tumbling down, leaving me with nothing. And every time I find myself with less and less pieces, leaving me more hollow than before. And that's what I am. Hollow. Nobody. Empty. Incomplete. Pathetic. Lonely. Miserable. Nihilistic. Hopeless. I am a monster, a loser, a liar, and a failure. My heart is a void, a deep abyss where misery rots and light goes to die.
    
I understand that everybody has problems, and that everybody suffers through life, but I am incapable of ever fixing myself to a point where I am actually a functioning human being. This leads me to the only logical conclusion, which is that I am completely broken. None of you deserve something as broken as me around to drag you down from your potential. I am deeply sick, and the reality is that sick people die. This world has beaten me down to my core, and has left me with nothing to offer to you all, or anybody else for that matter. If I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough, I'm sorry. I've never meant to do that in the first place. The reality is that I was never good enough for myself. I understand that this will temporarily sting, but the truth of the matter is that every single one of you will be far better off in the long run without me around, and I truly believe that.

The reality is that my mind has become warped to the point of no return. If I did not take the drastic steps I am taking now, I know in my heart that would eventually hurt somebody. I can't let that happen. That's not the person I've ever been, it's not who I want to be, but it is who I am slowly becoming. This darkness is rotting inside of me, and I don't know how to stop it anymore. I don't know how it got like this.

I just….I just don't see a future anymore. Everything has gone completely dark. Everywhere I look, it's just utter disaster. I can't take anymore sleepless nights or painful days. I'm tired of being harassed by painful memories no matter where I go. Tired of struggling through the most simple of days. And to think that I truly, finally had everything I'd ever wanted, just to turn it into a complete nightmare, to ruin it like I do to everything around me. The guilt I live with everyday rots me away to my core. Guilt that I consistently break the trust of people that I love unconditionally. Guilt that I hurt everyone that i care about, not just through my horrible actions, but simply by the sheer weight of my emotional pain. And maybe more so than anything else, guilt that I was a pathetic and frail loser of a son that was incapable of making his parent proud. I can't forgive myself for any of it, because I once foolishly believed I was a better person than that. But in truth, I'm just a combination of the worst traits humanity has to offer.

Maybe I did have a reason to be on this Earth at one point, but that time has long gone. People say suicide is selfish; but I say selfish is anyone wanting me to live a life that actively tortures me, just so that they don't have to feel sad about my passing for a short period of time. Nothing can change the fact that I simply don't want to be here anymore, trapped in my own head. My life simply is not worth living. Maybe the future can be anything, but I am no longer interested. The ride of life is just too rough for somebody as weak as me. Much as it pains me to admit, the truth is that I hate myself far more than I have ever loved any of you.

There is no point in saying this, but I hate myself. I am the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am a complete burden to everybody around me in every possible way. There is nothing to love about myself, i have nothing good to offer. I have wasted my life and my potential, and I am worthless and insignificant. The only way to fix this faulty bug in the game is to remove myself from existence. You will all be so much more without me in the picture, and there is nothing that makes me believe otherwise. Nobody will ever suffer from my betrayal, nobody will ever have to worry about my mental health again, and nobody will ever have to be burdened by me.
    
My only regret about my decision is that I won't be able to see the amazing things you all do, or to spend time and laugh with you all. I've mostly been able to come to terms with that; most of my life is nothing but regret anyways. Everyone who gets this message is someone I wish I could be, shining stars in my life. But the crushing darkness that fills the space between those stars is something I can't escape from. The only peace I can find is knowing that I will soon stop feeling anything at all. Going back to nothing, becoming nobody is the only choice I have left. The only meaning I have left, is in death.
    
The all consuming sorrow, regret and self hatred in my life is just too overwhelming, and the positives aren't enough to tether me here anymore. 
I am tired. I am so very tired, and I am ready to go to sleep. Ready to close my eyes and fade to black. I have never had a home, a place where I belong. I have always been a lonely wanderer, a stranger in a hostile world. I knew this day would come, sooner or later. I just want the agony to end. I hate myself for the horrible things I've done. And so, I will die as I deserve; alone. That's the only fate for a monster like me. Don't blame yourselves for what I've done. It's all my fault. I hope you can forget me and move on with your lives. Don't let my death ruin yours. Please don't be like me and please be better than me. I wish I could have given you something, anything, but I had nothing to offer. These words are my last goodbye. In the end, I just wasn't good enough for the amazing friends and family I was blessed with.
    
I hope I will see you all again one day, in a beautiful place far beyond the stars. 

Goodbye.