英文添削 9/10 == ###### tags: `LearnFit` ## Original I have developed my career as a systems engineer at NRI for over five years now. NRI is the company providing consulting and systems integration services, and the flagship product of which is “The STAR” series for securities trading companies. They are kind of core systems for securities trading and used by majority of Japanese securities firms. Now I have got involved in the system migration project of them to a major securities firm based on Tokyo. The project is in the middle of testing phase and I am in charge of the team focusing on tackling the system failures. One of the main obligations of my position is to explain to clients what kind of system failures have been occurring in the phase and how they are supposed to be fixed within the specified period. ## Correction with Comments I have developed my career as a systems engineer ~~at~~ **for** NRI for ~~over~~ **the past** five years ~~now~~. :::info ⭐️for 会社 eg, I have worked for 〇〇company ⭐️過去5年といったニュアンスでpastを使っても良し。overでも可 ::: NRI is ~~the~~ **a** company providing consulting and ~~systems integration~~ services **for system integration**~~,~~. :::info ⭐️最初にここで初めてNRIについて説明するので特定のtheではなく、a ⭐️一文が長くなり読みにくいので文をここで一旦切り上げる ::: ~~and the~~ **Our** flagship product ~~of which~~ is “The STAR” series for ~~securities~~ trading companies ~~. They are kind of~~ **which is a** core system~~s~~ for securities trading and used by **the** majority of Japanese securities firms. :::info ⭐️seriesとなっていらので複数と思いがちですが、あくまでスターシリーズという製品を大枠で囲っているので単数扱い ⭐️majority of Japanese companies の部分は、冠詞が必要。日本の大半の会社とどの大半なのか示しているのでthe ::: ~~Now~~ **Recently** I have ~~got~~ **become** involved in the system migration project of ~~them~~ **The STAR series** ~~to~~ **for** a major securities firm based ~~on~~ **in** Tokyo. :::info ⭐️nowより、よりフォーマルなrecentlyがオススメ ⭐️gotを becomeにすることにより、フォーマルに ::: The project is in the middle of **its** testing phase. :::info ⭐️itsを追加 ::: ~~and I am~~ **I'm** in charge of ~~the team focusing on~~ tackling ~~the~~ system failures. :::info ⭐️the team focusingが分かりにくかったので一旦排除し簡潔にしました。もしここで付け加えたいことがあったならお知らせください ::: One of the main ~~obligations~~ **responsibilities** of my position is to explain to **our** clients what kind of system failures have been occurring in the ~~phase~~ **process** and how they are supposed to be fixed within the specified period. :::info ⭐️in the phaseのニュアンスがこの文章ではどんな意味を表してるのか掴みづらいので一旦プロセスにしました ⭐️単語のニュアンスから、同じ意味の【義務】でもobligationは不自然に聞こえるのでresponsibilityに変更。 obligationはより現実的な外部からの要求が発生する義務 ::: --- ==質問== 1. for 会社の部分、for NRI for the..とforが2回続く点は特に不自然ではないでしょうか？ 2. work for / atはどちらでもいいのかなという気がしたのですがdevelop career for 会社という表現は良く使われるのでしょうか？ 3. in the phaseをin the processに、とのことですが確かに何となく後者の方が聞き馴染みがある気がするのですが、この点もう少し教えて頂けないでしょうか？phaseだと不自然に聞こえますか？ ==回答== 1. work forだと中身に重点がいき、work atはそこで働いているという場所の方に意識が強まります。後に来るの説明の流れからforの方がよりスムーズになります 2. ここでのdevelop career forはよく使われる表現かといえば、そこの点は、少し違う話になります。develop my careerの後は、分野の話になることが多いです。I developed my career in social care. のように業界が後に来るパターンがよくあります 3. このthe phaseが何のフェーズを現してるか、英文だけでは理解できず、the phaseってどのことだろう？という風になります。processの方がボケているのです。その過程でとなりますが、in the phaseだとその特定のフェーズでと、範囲が狭まるがゆえどのフェーズ❓と、つっかかります ## After Correction I have developed my career as a systems engineer for NRI for the past five years. NRI is a company providing consulting and services for system integration. Our flagship product is “The STAR” series for trading companies which is a core system for securities trading and used by the majority of Japanese securities firms. Recently I have become involved in the system migration project of The STAR series for a major securities firm based in Tokyo. The project is in the middle of its testing phase. I’m in charge of tackling system failures. One of the main responsibilities of my position is to explain to our clients what kind of system failures have been occurring in the process and how they are supposed to be fixed within the specified period.