Relationships R.A.D.A.R.S

adapted from the Relationship RADAR tool outlined by Multiamory (2017) which was adapted from the Relationship SCRUM by Alanna Irving (2016). For more indepth disucssions, listen to the Multiamory discussion on RADAR Troubleshooting (2021).

Introduction

R.A.D.A.R.S is a structured communication technique that includes the following steps:

• R: Reviewing past action items
• A: Agreeing on discussion-topics (agenda)
• D: Discussing selected topics
• A: Action item agreements
• R: Reconnecting via a shared activity
• S: Sharing potential discussion topics as they emerge

This is one of the more formal types of meta-communication tools available, and won't be suitable for all contexts. Situations it has been valuable include:

• when identifying the elements from which to co-create a new relationship
• during transition-periods within intentional relationships,
• when emotionally fraught topics are accumulating unresolved within a relationship

Prior to the discussion, reflect and check-in with how you intend to participate. In particular, remember to assess your capacity for care and curiosity towards the person you're relating to.

At the start of the discussion, check-in together about anything that may negatively impacting the time, energy, and mental-space you each have available for the conversation. There are various tools for this, for instance see the HALT+ technique for explicitly checking whether you’re hungry, angry, lonely, tired, irritable, excitable, drunk, distracted, and so on.

For each point of discussion, consider the ‘triforce of communication’ and ask yourself whether the goal of your communication is. For example, are you seeking:

1. to share and be heard
2. to seek sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration
3. to solve a problem/ seek help or advice

When discussing challenging topics use open-communication strategies. Examples include:

1. Expresssing your feelings without applying any story about something that was done to you by others.
2. Stating an observation of what happened, free of interpretation, accusation, or spin.
3. Saying what it is you need clearly (rather that expecting others to guess).
4. Making a request that is not a demand or an ultimatum. Your partner should feel free to say either “yes” or “no”, or to negotiate the request.
5. Creating space to discuss all aspects of the relationships - triumphs and disappointments, intense gratitude and sadness - in ways that help the relationship to be the best it can possibly be.

Example Template for a R.A.D.A.R.S process:

The following example is offered to highlight how each step in the R.A.D.A.R.S format can help to structure a discussion in ways that can mitigate the accumulation on unresolved points of tension and.or help move towards shared-understanding and next-steps around those relationship elements being co-created.

Please adapt for your own specific situation(s)!

R: Reviewing (check-ins since last meeting)

• Agree on a reconnect activity
• Agree on when to meet for more RADARS time
• Review action item from previous meeting.

A: Agreeing on Discussion Topics:

• Holding Time/Space (Time: ~5 min each. Goal of speaking: sharing to be heard - no advice please).
• Review points listed for discussion since the last session (considered brainstorming for potential additional topics for discussion; no wrong topics)
• Choose from potential topics 1-2* topics to discuss this session (*depending on the topics and the time you've set aside - note, allow ~10min per item at a minimum)

D: Discussing:

• Discuss two selected topics (Time: ~40 min; Goal: to solve a problem together and/or seek help or advice)
• Note down any notes may be useful to help start the next structured discussion.

A: Action Items:

• Identify what actions each want to take based on the discussion (Time: ~10 min: Goal: to commit to actions that move the relationship in the direction intended by all parties; problem-solving mode)
• Note down these action items so that they can be reviewed at the next meeting

R: Re-connecting:

• Free Form Updates (Time: ~5 min each; Goal: to seek sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration - about personal wins, challenges, other commitments, possible new directions, etc.,- questions welcome.)
• Enjoy planned reconnecting activity together.

S: Sharing potential discussion topics as they emerge:

• In between structured discussions, explicitly identify and share those issue that are emerging in moments when they can't be resolved.
• Once identified, agree on whether or not the issue can be added to the topics for review at the next structured conversation (or whether they need to be resolved sooner - if so, make a time for that).
• When agreeing to discuss a topic later, consider sharing any requests for emotional care or reassurance that would be valued in the the interim.

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Last updated: 2022
Version: 5.0

Notes for Attribution

The components of Resources for Customising Intentional Relationships, have been a work-in-progress since 2018. They have been created while being based on unceded Aboriginal lands, draw heavily on external sources and are influenced by many people.

Out of respect for the histories I am part of, and to provide the space for me to create while allowing for the critical engagement and further development of these resources by others, the full markdown files are available on request for those seeking to build on these resources under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

CC BY-NC-SA

Author context & contact: E. T. Smith