---
title: 'Shaping Cognitive Boundaries 重塑意識的邊界'
tags: keywords
author: Tzu Tung Lee
link: https://hackmd.io/@BOTAMEVE/Keywords_LandingPage
---

# Shaping Cognitive Boundaries 重塑意識的邊界

From becoming aware and making the decision, to thoroughly preparing oneself to end an abusive relationship—it is a long journey. And once I finally draw that stopping line, I find myself stepping into a vast wasteland littered with the remains of self-worth.

_“I’m sorry you’re upset, but your feelings are your own fault.”_

_"I only acted that way because I knew you’d get angry. Your anger basically forced my hand."_

_“You’re just imagining things; you’re seeking ways to control.”_

_“Seriously, you’re looking for excuses to say I’m at fault.”_

Writing these sentences down already makes me feel ashamed. What if I really am like that? Are these actually my fault? A spell is woven from certain energies and a particular grammar, and these words wrap a tightening band of shame around my sadness, anger, and insecurity feelings within the relationship.

> “**When Is It Abuse?**”
>
>“So how do you know whether you’re in an abusive relationship? Experts suggest that the most important indicator is how you feel—which is ironic, considering that if the other is abusive, you probably have difficulty trusting your feelings. However, the following are some helpful questions to ask yourself:
>
> - [x] Do I feel afraid of or intimidated by the other—physically or emotionally—during times of conflict?
> - [x] Do I feel respected by the other?
> - [x] Are my ideas, feelings, and needs listened to and taken seriously?
> - [x] When I share concerns about our relationship, does the conversation end up getting turned around and focused on what I’m doing wrong?
> - [x] Do conversations never seem to be productive, no matter how hard I try to communicate effectively?
> - [x] Do I often feel guilty?
> - [x] Am I overly focused on the relationship, always trying to figure out how to make things better?
> - [x] Do I feel crazy?
> - [x] Does my mood depend on the state of my relationship?
> - [x] Does the other play hard to get, keeping me always unsure of where I stand and feeling insecure?
> - [x] Has my self-confidence decreased?
> - [x] Is it increasingly difficult for me to trust the truth of my experience?
> - [x] During times when we are not in conflict, do I worry that what I say or do will later be used against me?
> - [x] Does the other take responsibility for their part in a conflict, and do they actually make changes (and not just temporary ones) to reduce the likelihood of such conflict being repeated?
> - [x] When I try to hold the other accountable for hurting me, do I get called “high maintenance,” “a nag,” or other insults?
> - [x] Do I feel silenced?
> - [x] Does the other experience me as controlling whenever I challenge their control?
> - [x] Do I feel “less than” and ashamed in this relationship? Do I feel that my self-worth has decreased and that it’s not honored?

Just because I assumed everything was my fault, I read countless books, and gladly in them, I found a checklist from Melanie Joy's _Getting Relationship Right_ that named all my feelings and helped me situate where I am in. The author continues:

> Moreover, in abusive relationships, anger is rarely, if ever, tolerated -- unless it’s the abuser’s anger. If the person being abused were allowed to feel their own anger, they would be less likely to tolerate the abuse. A key strategy abusers use to ensure that the nonpowerholder doesn’t feel anger is to make sure that the nonpowerholder doesn’t recognize that they’re being treated unfairly. And often, the abuser reacts to the nonpowerholder’s anger punitively, making the nonpowerholder’s expression of anger dangerous. “For example, when an employee expresses to their abusive boss even mild frustration over what they feel is an unfair amount of work they’ve been given, the boss may go on a tirade, listing all the sacrifices the boss makes for the department and accusing the employee of being lazy and ungrateful; or the boss may act disappointed and offended and withdraw, giving the employee the silent treatment. In both instances, the message communicated is that there will be a price to pay for any expression of anger directed toward the abuser.”
>
> Abusive relationships are traumatic relationships. The person being abused will almost inevitably experience some symptoms of posttraumatic stress.16 Often such symptoms continue even after the relationship has ended. Posttraumatic stress is not a sign of weakness but rather a natural reaction to being abused; with understanding, it is often entirely treatable.
>
>If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, be aware that such relationships involve dynamics that go beyond the scope of this book and that often, the way to get such a relationship right is to end it. If you feel fearful for your physical safety for any reason, then it’s vital that you take immediate steps to protect yourself and others in your family; see the accompanying note for helpful resources.

I remember that even checking every box on the list and reading the final paragraphs, it still took me three months afterwards to fully accept that I was “really” and “truly” in an abusive relationship.

Dr. Ramani, a well-known expert on narcissistic abuse, notes that survivors often become “little scholars,” voraciously reading to recognize and understand their experiences -- sometimes even assembling their own mini-libraries. For three months, I also immersed myself in related YouTube channels and books, often through tears, as I too couldn’t trust my own feelings, and need continuous knowledge references for double, triple, quadruple verification.

In BOTAMEVE curriculum, I shared with the audience and members a [glossary](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1lsNkWo-QPmb8485T7T8j-9eieDCcMkO-qMv20t2qgWo/edit?usp=sharing) of key terms I compiled during these tumultuous periods: as I survived through an abusive relationship, endured the hostile attacks in the Taiwan #MeToo movement, and faced the need to halt work due to illness in an ableist work culture. Drawn from months of exploring resources of all sorts, this glossary features over 300 terms, divided into three categories: introductory terms, healing terms, and manipulation terms.

After collecting all these terms, one can find "manipulation” isn’t confined to intimate partnerships, families, or workplaces — it can arise as well in any power dynamic, from governments to societies, and from societies to our own bodies. And in the second sheet, the “healing-related terms”, are not just about recovery strategies; they also include concepts like “suicidal thoughts” and “extreme mood swings,” acknowledging that from awakening to healing isn’t always linear or uplifting. Recognizing these swing states is part of the journey. Lastly, the glossory list, and also the whole project, are all open-sourced and are welcome for people who shared the same journey to do edit and add more terms in it.

My hope is that by casually browsing this glossary and project archive, readers may begin to identify the “spells” manipulating them -- forces that they haven’t yet named. In the wake of #MeToo and similar movements, we’ve seen how patriarchal, ableist, and narcissistic power structures are so deeply ingrained and pervasive that neither abusers nor victims fully realize their roles. If desires are like monsters, then language can both release and restrain them. Once we recognize these influences, we can begin to shape our cognitive boundaries and lay the groundwork for breaking free.

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從意識、決定到做足準備為虐待關係劃下休止符，這是一條長路，劃下休止符後，則步入自我價值破敗傾頹的廣大廢墟。

「我很抱歉你很難過，你難過是你的問題。」
「今天我會這麼做，就是因為你會生氣，你生氣才讓我這樣。」
「你都在想像、你就是想要控制。」

寫出這些句子的時候，我都覺得羞恥。萬一我真的是這樣怎麼辦？我真的是這樣嗎？咒語是特定能量、特定文法組成的語言，這些神奇的句子，讓我在關係裡中出現的難過、生氣、不安全感，都被羞恥套上的緊箍咒。

> 虐待關係的指標
>
> 怎麼知道自己正身陷虐待關係？ 專家認為，最重要的指標是自己的感覺。諷刺的是，受虐者反而無法信任自己的感覺。下列幾個問題有助於辨別情況：
>
>- [x] 發生衝突時，我是否害怕被對方恐嚇，身體和情緒都有畏懼的反應？
>- [x] 對方有尊重我嗎？
>- [x] 對方願意聆聽我的想法、感覺和需求，並且認真看待問題嗎?
>- [x] 把自己的擔憂提出來討論後，最後對方話鋒一轉，焦點全放在我做錯了什麼。
>- [x] 不論我多麼努力溝通，對話內容永遠沒什麼建設性。
>- [x] 是不是經常有罪惡感？
>- [x] 是不是過度注意彼此的關係，一直想找方法改善？
>- [x] 是不是覺得自己快理智斷線？
>- [x] 心情是不是隨著關係好壞而起起伏伏？
>- [x] 對方難以取悅，我始終對於現狀感到不安，很難有踏實的感覺。
>- [x] 自信是否減低了？
>- [x] 越來越難相信自己的體驗與看法。
>- [x] 衝突完兩人和好之後，還是擔心自己又會說錯話。
>- [x] 發生衝突後，對方是否負起責任，確實自我檢討，避免以後再發生類似問題？
>- [x] 我希望對方負起傷害我的責任，但他反而羞辱我，抱怨我要求太多、意見太多。
>- [x] 總是有口難言。
>- [x] 我想挑戰他的權威，對方卻反控我想控制他。
>- [x] 我感覺低人一等，在他面前抬不起頭。覺得自己一無是處，什麼事情都做不好。

因為覺得是自己的問題，我看了好多好多書。這個全部令我打勾的測驗才讓我知道自己正處於虐待關係。

> 施虐者動不動就發脾氣，但受虐者連抱怨的權利都沒有。如果受虐者能察覺到自己憤怒，就比較不會一再容忍對方的惡行惡狀。為了讓受虐者不生氣，施虐者最常用的招數，就是讓對方不知道自己有沒有被公平對待。受虐者一抱怨還會受到懲罰，使他不敢再多說一句。比方說公司的主管霸道又蠻横，你在會議上忍不住抱怨了一下，工作量分配不均，心裡不太好受。這時老闆卻開始長篇大論，強調他為公司做了多少犧牲，員工又懶又不知感恩。講到最後，老闆覺得很失望、自己被糟蹋了，一言不發就離開會議室了，完全沒有回應你的問題。事實上，老闆向你傳達的訊息是，有意見的員工一定會付出代價。

>虐待關係一定會產生創傷，受虐者一定會經歷某些「創傷後壓力症」的症狀。這些症狀甚至在關係結束後也不會消退，它們不是懦弱的象徵，而是受虐的自然反應。理解這個道理，受虐者才有機會治癒。

>『請留意，如果有讀者認為自己處在虐待關係，那麼你們的互動方式已超過本書的討論範圍，最好的辦法就是結束這段關係。如果你有人身安全上的疑慮，必須立刻採取行動，尋求協助資源，以保護自己和家人的安全。』
> --- 《關係免疫力》

Dr. Ramni 說，經歷虐待關係的倖存者，往往都會成為小小的學者，需要透過不斷閱讀了解自己所經歷的過程，甚至有了自己的小型圖書館。在連續三個月邊哭邊看書邊看 Youtube，反覆確認再確認自己的狀況後（因為我無法信任自己的感覺），我終於提出了分手。

接下來，我在這份寫作裡，附上在經歷虐待關係、#Metoo 與身體因生病被迫完全停工時，發展出來的重要詞彙表。這個詞彙表是我在閱讀過各 Youtube 、書籍、Podcast、網站後，編選的 300 多個字彙，包括：基本字彙、療癒中字彙、操縱字彙。

所謂的「操控」，不一定在親密伴侶關係、家庭或僱傭關係中，也產生於各式權力關係、政府與其社會、社會與個人身體上。表中的「療癒中詞彙」，並不只是療癒方法，也有包含像「自殺意念(suicide thought)」、「極端情緒變化（extreme mood swing）」這樣的字，因為創傷後的療癒過程不永遠是正面向上的，在辨認自己狀態的過程中，這些可能都是路程的一部分。

這份詞彙表，或許能協助閱讀者去辨認自己正被什麼樣的魔法所操控，並多一些方法解咒。
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