---
title: 'Daily 日常'
tags: keywords
author: Tzu Tung Lee
link: https://hackmd.io/@BOTAMEVE/Keywords_LandingPage
---

# Daily 日常

At the age of 34.

I find myself both intrigued and perplexed by how my younger self could have been so resolute in their ambitions —so radiant and driven. What disappoints me most is realizing that this 34-year-old version of me is simply human, a thoroughly confused being rather than a brilliant aspiration fulfilled.

In 2022 and 2023, two events consumed vast portions of my life: I encountered **her**, and the #MeToo movement erupted in Taiwan. She pursued me intensely, showering me with affection to the point that I willingly ignored the red flags. In that fervent rush — love-bombed and intoxicated by passion — I threw myself headlong into the relationship. As soon as I completed my second graduate degree, I decided to abandon my chance at an extended stay in the U.S. and return to Taiwan --- so I can keep the instesnse relationship going. She had told me that she lived alone, that I could stay with her. **15 seconds, or perhaps 10 seconds** -- that’s all it took for one to destroy the relationship.

After selling all my belongings in America and rushing back, I found myself weeping every single day in Taipei. The ambitious relationship dream had been betrayed,and I could no longer secure my sense of belonging, self-worth, or esteem.

Later, at Tate Britain in the U.K., I encountered Francis Bacon’s 1988 triptych. Though Bacon’s work tells its own story, what I saw was my own reflection -- seated in the “empty chair” of a therapist’s office. I witnessed myself trying to crawl free, only to remain trapped, trembling, and despairing. My shattered soul pieces were rigidly frozen -- as if becoming immovable wooden sculptures standing that suffers eternally in her living room.


> _Second Version of Triptych 1944_ (1988), by Francis Bacon, Source: www.tate.org.uk, picture under <a href="//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Second_Version_of_Triptych_1944.jpg" title="fair use">fair use</a>.

<details> <summary>中文</summary> 34 歲。

覺得自己過去的能量怎麼那麼毅然又輝煌，我想我最失望的，便是，這個 34 歲的我竟然是一個「人」，我是一個「人」而不是一個輝煌的野心，我是一個徹徹底底迷惑的人。

2022 年與 23 年，對我發生兩件佔生命比例甚大的事：我遇見了**他**，以及 #Metoo 的爆發。他對我有熱烈的追求，這個過程中雖然偶然出現了些危險信號（red flag) ，但一切實在太過熱烈，我們瞬間就交往了，性也很熱烈，到我一念完研究所，便決定不待在美國立刻回台灣，他告訴我他的家現在一個人住了，過往，他一直說我可以去住他家。**15秒、或者10秒吧**，一個人在這麼短的時間內所做的行為，就可以毀掉一段關係。清空在美傢俱火速回台後，我便開始每天以淚洗面。一切都壞掉了。後來在英國泰特美術館（Tate Britain） 看到培根的三聯畫(1988)。培根有另一個他的故事，我看到的則是諮商室裡坐上「空椅」的自己，試圖爬行出來的又困住，抽搐、害怕、絕望、靈魂碎碎僵直如木頭雕刻，無法動彈佇立在他家客廳的模樣。</details>