# Boundary-Making Class 界限設立學習課程

> _written by WERD NA, BOTAMEVE member_[time=Thu, Dec 21, 2024 1:34 AM]
> _english ransalted and edited by TT_[time=Fri, Jan 10, 2025 5:53 PM]


The goal of this class is to help us understand how to establish emotional and physical boundaries.

## 1. Somatic meditation

At the start of class, our guide, Zsófia Samodai led us in a meditation exercise to help settle both body and mind. We began by finding a comfortable position, breathing rhythmically, and tuning into our physical sensations. Next, Zsófia asked us to recall a moment from the past week that was unpleasant or involved wanting to refuse something but being unable to do so. We mentally returned to that instant, focusing on the specific details—especially how our bodies felt at the time.

After this reflection, we took a deep breath to release any lingering emotions, fully returning to the present. From everyone’s sharing, it became clear that unpleasant moments manifest differently in each body: some people experienced a heaviness in their heads, while I noticed my breath becoming shallow, as if I were holding it in my chest, ready to act on that tension.

In contrast, for the second part of the exercise, we recalled a pleasant moment from the past week—no matter how small. I remembered chatting with a friend in the car, feeling deeply relaxed, my breathing slow and steady. Compared to the earlier exercise, this highlighted just how much my breathing shifts according to my emotional state: quick and shallow during stress, calm and deep in moments of ease.

## 2. Listen / Express

The second exercise centered on “simply listening” and “expressing one’s needs.” Two people sat facing each other. One would speak in short sentences—“I want,” “I hope,” or “I’d like to…”—while the other person just listened, offering no verbal response.

Zsófia pointed out that when we hear someone else’s needs, our minds tend to go into overdrive—analyzing and trying to give immediate feedback. This exercise was designed to help us set aside that reflex and instead focus on hearing the other person’s words.

During the session, my partner noted that whenever I stated what I wanted, I would subconsciously smile. Meanwhile, I realized that when I listened to the other person share what they wanted, I often felt a kind of sympathetic resonance, sometimes even agreeing silently. This subtle agreement showed on my face, which, in its own way, was already a response.

## 3. Learning to Say “No”

The third exercise—learning how to say “no”—proved to be the most challenging for me. One person would begin with a request such as “Can I…” or “May I…?” (e.g., “Could you get me a glass of water?” or “May I touch your hair?”), and the other person, practice to respond with a firm “no,” regardless of the request.

Initially, I assumed this would be simple, but when Zsófia demonstrated it with me, I felt an unexpected wave of discomfort. Even if the request was perfectly ordinary, answering “no” left me feeling uneasy. This reaction caught me off guard, and I realized I might be something of a “Yes Man”—someone who rarely refuses others’ requests.

I discovered that other participants felt the same awkwardness. Some even made intentionally outlandish requests—like “Could you clean my house for an entire day?”—just to prompt a easy “no” from their partner. Others used guilt-inducing scenarios, such as “I just had surgery; may I please sit down?”

According to Zsófia, the purpose of this exercise is to stress the importance of being able to say “no.” She pointed out that when a person is truly comfortable refusing a request, their eventual “yes” carries much more sincerity.

## 4. Clarify and to Delay a Response

The final exercise expanded on the previous one, teaching us to pause and clarify details when someone makes a request. If needed, we could also reframe the request by asking follow-up questions or expressing our own needs.

Zsófia demonstrated a scenario to illustrate this:
1. I ask, “Do you want to see a movie tomorrow?”
2. They respond, “Which movie?” to clarify.
3. If I say, “A horror movie,” they might reply, “I don’t like horror,” and suggest something else.
4. They then ask, “What time?” and, after hearing my suggestion, say, “I need to be home by a certain hour,” and propose a different time.

Personally, I don’t find clarifying details to be difficult. The interactive style in this exercise mirrors what I often do in everyday conversations—asking about others’ needs and sharing my own expectations until we reach a mutual agreement. This approach not only gives everyone time to think, but also clarifies each other’s intentions and requirements.

## 5. The Connection Between Body and Emotion**

At the end of the class, I finally asked Zsófia about the true purpose behind all these exercises. Was it meant to help us respond more authentically in everyday conversations? After all, we often regret not speaking our minds once a discussion is over. Zsófia explained that the exercise isn’t about finding immediate answers—like exactly what to say or not say—but rather about learning to notice our own state in the moment.

Every conversation inevitably involves logical thought, yet these exercises are designed to heighten our awareness of bodily sensations and emotional patterns. Rather than suppressing these feelings, we learn to let them coexist with our reasoning. For example, when revisiting an unpleasant memory, Zsófia never asked us to erase or “let go” of it. Instead, we were encouraged to make room for it in our minds, acknowledge its presence, and truly listen to it. Simply hearing and recognizing these emotions felt like a major breakthrough for me.

This class was eye-opening. Although I’m usually quick to empathize with others’ emotions, I often overlook my own. We tend to process emotions logically—analyzing how people express themselves—yet this class offered a different approach: when I hear something infuriating, what’s happening in my body? When I feel relaxed and content, how does my body respond?

Adopting this new perspective made me realize that learning to sense and observe my own body might be a key to better understanding both myself and those around me.

:::spoiler 中文

《酷殘陣線》的「界限設立學習」課程，課程的目的是幫助我們理解自己如何設立情感與身體的界限。

## 1. 狀態回溯練習

課程一開始，若飛老師帶領我們進行了一段進入冥想的準備工作。找到一個舒適的姿勢，透過規律地呼吸、感受自己的身體狀態來讓身體與心靈靜下來。

接著，老師要我們回想過去一週內所發生的一件不愉快的瞬間，或是一件你想要拒絕卻無法拒絕的事情。我們需要讓自己回到那個當下，並努力回想當時的情境與細節，尤其是自己的身體在那個當下是什麼狀態？

在完成這段回溯後，透過深呼吸將自己從那個情境中抽離，重新回到當下，並將那段情緒透過呼吸釋放掉。從練習後大家的分享中，我發現每個人身處於不愉快情境時的身體反應是不同的。有些人感到頭腦脹脹的，而我的感受則是胸口的氣息變短，像是提了一口氣在胸口，準備做出行動的樣子。

練習的第二部分是回想過去一週內的一個愉快瞬間，不需要是一件大事，也可以是一個讓人感到舒適的小片刻。我想到的是與朋友在車上談話的瞬間，當時我的感受非常放鬆，呼吸變得緩慢而沉穩。這與不愉快瞬間的身體反應形成了明顯對比。

透過這段練習，我發現自己的呼吸模式在不同情緒狀態下會有顯著差異。身處不愉快的瞬間時，呼吸短促、急促；而身處愉快的瞬間時，呼吸則是緩慢而深長。

## 2. 聆聽與表達練習

第二個練習的重點在於「單純聆聽」與「表達需求」。方式是兩個人面對面，其中一人用簡單的句子說出「我想」、「我希望」、「我想要」之類的話，而另一人僅僅負責傾聽，並且不做任何回應。

老師強調，我們常常在聽到別人的需求時，大腦就急著運轉、分析，並想要馬上給予反饋。這樣的練習可以讓我們學會放下「想要即時給予回應」的反射習慣，專注於傾聽對方的表達。

在實際練習中，我的陪練員告訴我，他發現當我說出「我想要什麼」時，會不自覺地笑著說，而我同時發現傾聽對方說「我想要什麼」時，經常會感到心有戚戚焉，甚至認同對方的需求，這些認同其實會出現在傾聽者的表情中。或許，這已經是一種回應了。

## 3. 學會說「不」的練習

第三個練習是「我個人」認為整堂課中最困難的部分，就是學會說「不」。

練習的形式是這樣的：一個人用「我能不能」或「我可不可以」作為開頭，提出一個請求，例如：「我能不能請你幫我倒一杯水」或「我可不可以摸你的頭髮」。無論對方提出什麼樣的要求，練習者都必須回答「不」。

起初，我認為這並不會太困難，但當若飛老師與我示範時，我感受到前所未有的不適。例如，對方可能只是提出一些日常的請求，但當我回答「不」時，內心竟湧起深深的不自在感。這樣的反應出乎我的意料，我真不知道我竟然會對於「說不」有這樣深深的不適感。其他的成員告訴我，或許那表示我是一個不太會拒絕別人要求的「Yes Man」。

我發覺其他的學員也有類似的不適感，甚至有人開玩笑說，他在練習時甚至開始提出一些心理預期會被拒絕的荒謬的請求，例如「你可不可以幫我打掃房間整整一天」，以緩解內心的不適感。而另一部分人則會故意提出令人感到罪惡的要求，例如「我剛動完手術，能不能讓我坐下」。

若飛老師希望我們透過這項練習，理解說「不」的重要性。老師提到，當一個人懂得說「不」，他說「是」的時候才會更有誠意。

## 4. 確認細節與延遲回應的練習

最後一個練習是前一個練習的延伸，練習的目的是讓我們學會在接收到他人的請求時，先花些時間確認細節，甚至透過反問來轉化請求，並表達自己的需求。

練習時，若飛老師示範了一個情境。例如，我問他「你明天想不想看電影？」他則回應：「什麼電影？」以此確認我的請求具體內容。我可能回答「恐怖片」，他接著表示「不喜歡」，並提出是否可以換其他類型的建議。之後，他又問「是幾點？」當我提議時間後，他回應「不過我幾點要回家」，然後提出其他時間的可能性。

我個人認為確認細節對我來說並沒有什麼障礙，實際練習中的互動方式都是我在日常對話中會出現的。我經常會針對對方的需求提出問題，甚至可能在回答對方的同時加入自己的期待，最後來回形成一個共同決定。這種方式不僅讓雙方有時間考慮，也能更清楚地了解彼此的期待與需求。

## 5. 反思：身體與情緒的連結

在「回溯練習」結束時，我曾向若飛老師提問，想要確認這個練習的真正目的是什麼？是否是要讓我們在當下做出比較好的回應？因為很多時候我們會在事情過後回想當時的情境時，感嘆自己為何沒有說出心中真正想說的話。老師說，這項練習並不是為了找到立即的答案，例如在面對某些情境時該說什麼或不該說什麼，而是學習如何在那個當下認識自己的狀態。

一場對話最終一定會有理性與邏輯思考的部分介入並做出回應，但這個練習似乎要讓我們在邏輯思考之外，能夠覺察自己的身體狀態與情緒，並與之相處。或許「與之相處」是一件重要的事情吧。在回溯練習時，當要結束一段不愉快的回想時，老師並沒有說要我們完全抹去這段不愉快的記憶，而是要我們在心中為它留下一個角落，承認它的存在並與之共處。或許承認它的存在，確認自己當下的狀態，是一種處理負面情緒的另一種方式吧。

這堂課對我來說帶來的啟發是，我發現自己是一個蠻願意去感受身邊親友情緒的人，但卻常常忽視自己的狀態。我們在處理情緒的時候，好像常常都是從邏輯的角度看待的，那個我討厭的人「說了什麼」，我喜歡的人「說了什麼」，然後用邏輯分析那些「說什麼」。這堂課程嘗試從另一個切入點看這件事情：當我聽到那句令人生氣的話語時，我的「身心狀態是什麼」？當我感到舒適、放鬆和幸福時，「身體的狀態是什麼」？

這樣的視角讓我開始意識到，學會感受與覺察自己的身體狀態，或許是理解情緒、處理情緒的另一把鑰匙。

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