---
title: 'Silence 沈默'
tags: keywords
author: Tzu Tung Lee
link: https://hackmd.io/@BOTAMEVE/Keywords_LandingPage
---

# Silence 沈默

The #MeToo movement took root in Taiwan around May 2023, and the path to healing often feels like making three steps forward and two steps back.

After speaking out, my buried traumas surged to the surface, churning like water brought to a boil. In the past two years, I have seen the world as if through a ruptured retina—fragmented images stitched together from memories I tried to forget, layered beneath a narrative I forced myself to believe. Doubt weighs heavily and occurs repeatedly: Are my traumatic experiences real?

This year, I bled more than ever. Each month brought more bleeding, until doctors prescribed progesterone to control abnormal tissue growth in my uterus. I cannot help but suspect that my inner wounds are also bleeding beyond a metaphorical sense -- They are wordless injury as silent as the abuse itself.

“I’m fine.” “I’m okay.” My mouth never screams, instead it betrays me, it erases the evidence of my suffering. With no visible scars or bruises, surrounding family and friends saw only what they wanted to see: a smiling face, apparently unscathed. In a world where no knife is visible, the assumption is that the wounded person must be at fault. I, too, fell for this **victim-blaming** logic, desperately clinging to it for a semblance of cognitive coherence.

**Gaslighting** occurs when an abuser distorts reality until the victim doubts their own perceptions and memories. **Self-gaslighting** happens when victims internalize those distortions and continue undermining themselves. **Flying monkeys**, unwitting accomplices in the abuser’s narrative, help manipulate and attack survivors, often without realizing their own complicity. These are first few glossories for me to realize what have happened to me.

During the #MeToo movement, I faced attacks from the abuser’s circle and even a defamation lawsuit—a familiar tactic aimed at silencing those who speak out. It allows perpetrators to wield their power once more, transforming the legal system into yet another weapon against survivors and their allies.

Despite the attacks and lingering self-doubt, I’ve decided to keep sharing my story because I have witnessed these patterns of manipulation before. Regardless of whether society blames women, or places fault on those who learned and forced to turn their sufferings inward —— we must learn to recognize these subtle, often invisible forms of harm. Abuse can manifest through relentless emotional pressure, distorted perceptions, and insidious blame-shifting that erodes a person’s sense of self. By identifying such elusive psychological tactics, we can begin to resist this soul-devouring dark magic and, ultimatly, very slowly, reclaim our own voices of truth.


<details> <summary>中文</summary> 台灣的 #Metoo 約從 2023 年五月開始，而一切的療癒往往前進三步後退兩步。

在#Metoo 運動中發聲後，那些曾經歷的創傷經驗、也像水滾般泊泊翻濤上表層。我覺得我這兩年腦袋所見猶如透過破洞的視網膜，是四散的這一塊那一塊所拼湊出來：創傷後不願記憶的記憶、與堅持的自我敘事交疊。自我懷疑是最常湧現的質地：我的創傷是真的嗎？我還有能量創作嗎？我還有能量是我嗎？

過去這一年，我血流的特別多。每個月，血流的越來越多。後來檢查需要服用避孕藥也就是黃體素控制子宮內增生的腺體。--- 我懷疑我潛意識真的是流了那麽多血，因為我的內心也像被橫生的腺體般劃了一刀。

我未曾想過虐待原來如此沈默。

「我很好。」「我沒事。」我的嘴巴並不尖叫，我嘴巴都背叛了自己 --- 向他人抹去受苦的證據。沒有一道能向外界彰顯的疤痕瘀青，甚至，身邊的親朋好友長輩平輩，都只見得到也只願見到，那些運作正常滿臉堆笑的樣子。如果沒有明晃晃的刀子，卻有人受傷，那肯定是受傷的人做錯了什麼 --- 不管是他人、或是我自己，都相信了這種說法。

**煤氣燈(Gaslighting)** 是指施虐者通過扭曲現實，讓受害者對自己的記憶、感知或判斷產生懷疑，**自我煤氣燈(Self-Gaslighting)** 是指受害者內化了施虐者的操控行為，接續自我質疑、自我否定。**飛猴（Flying Monkey）** 則是許許多多施虐者的親朋好友、利害關係人，幫助操縱和攻擊受虐者，通常這些人未意識到自己也被施虐的敘事操控。

在#Metoo 運動裡，我曾受加害者的利害關係人與親朋好友攻擊，並被加害人告妨害名譽。妨害名譽是#Metoo 運動裡常用的噤聲手段，讓加害人再次利用權力優勢，將司法轉成壓迫倖存者或倖存者的支持者的工具。

這次我在受到攻擊、自我懷疑後，還是決定繼續說出故事。因為，我曾經歷相同的操縱情節。不管這個社會說是女生的錯、說是那個每次都自我煤氣燈的將關係裡的錯誤、社會的錯誤內化者的錯，現在，都要學會怎麼去辨認、抵禦，這吃人的黑魔法。. </details>