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title: Shell Script

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# Shell Script

Sorry for the extreme delay.

"We're not even friends anymore." This is not the first time I've heard this from someone who I considered to be a very good friend of mine. And I'm just as sad and surprised to hear it again all these years later. I guess the problem is me, then, and I'm sorry that you feel that way. But let me add some color.

I almost never speak to my closest, most respected friends. And I want to explain a bit as to why that feels okay.

I tried to sort my thoughts into parts.

- On ignorance & urgency
- On taking action and being prepared
- On allies

Note: I wrote the words below many, many months ago and could not find the phrasing for it. I felt it was too extreme. Like I came off as too severe, or too paranoid. Regrettably, that feeling has dissipated in light of the situation of your father. Suffering and pain has a way of radicalizing people - it is why I feel I can share this with you now.

## First, some opening thoughts & context

The people I respect the most and consider to be my most-trusted advisors/teachers and confidants are all off - often in other states and even countries - living their lives and fighting their battles. They are putting their goodness into the world, creating value, solving problems, and making others laugh. I know that if I call, they will come, and I'd do the same.

Of course, these calls are not frequent. But I am okay with silence being the rule and not the exception. I don't see them as friends first, but as *allies* first. I use this word carefully, deliberately, and with gravity.

"Friend" can mean any number of things to any number of people. But 'ally' seems to have a more specific definition, something like: "someone who will fight and sacrifice alongside you in war."

People might say it's an exaggeration, or over-dramatic, or outright cringey, if I said, "life is war." I'd understand that reaction, it _does_ come off that way. Like, "if you're not running from bullets, calm down, you're not at war."

But - I also honestly doubt they'd say the same about the phrase, "to live is to fight." Because really, that's just the truth. 

To live is to fight - whether it's against poverty, a final exam, our own insecurities, or all of the above.

In fact, I humbly think that the only people who would disagree with that characterization are people who - for whatever reason - do not see this world in honest terms. People who are ignorant. Because if you have any eyes at all, there's a lot of room for improvement in this world.

## On ignorance & urgency

I have a thought experiment for you.

**(When I first wrote this, I used your sister as an example, as written below. I regret that this thought experiment has become real for you, vis-a-vis your father. I hope he is recovering well.)**

Imagine I kidnapped your sister and said, "what would you give up to save her life?" 

Would anything be off-limits? I imagine you'd offer quite a bit before you even start weighing pros and cons - it's your sister, after all.

Now a twist: what if, instead of giving up things like your iPhone or money, I required that you needed to give up "experiences," like eating your favorite food, for the rest of your life? Or what if it were pieces of your identity - like never being able to wear a colorful outfit?

If giving up those things was the cost of saving your sister's life, I have no doubt you'd do it. Because at the end of the day, when we value something so deeply and infinitely, the _cost_ of everything else rounds down to zero.

This re-priorization isn't really a conscious choice, either. It's not as though we have a spreadsheet where we've quantified the value of a family member's life as being equal to $50,000. It's just something in the soul that _knows_.

An aside: have you heard of _blood shunting_? 

I was so fascinated by this. It's a biological phenomenon in our bodies where, in times of "acute respiratory distress" like while drowning, the human body will try to _skip_ circulation in our extremities - legs, arms, fingers - in order to _recirculate_ that blood to our most essential organs: the heart, the lungs. In short, it gives up everything else to protect the heart, to keep it oxygenated and warm.(I'm sure there's a lot of over-simplification here, but that's how I've come to understand it.)

It seems like when we are under threat, both our mind - and in a very literal sense, the cells in our body - know how to prioritize resources to protect the things that matter most. We go into `emergency` mode.

Why then - do I look out at my former friend groups and see such overwhelming _apathy_? (Or is it _paralysis_? Or is it complacent ignorance? Or again, some combination of all?)

I don't know what you see, and I don't know whether the toxic patterns I am about to talk about are just localized to my friend groups and my area.

But - I don't see people in emergency mode. People in emergency mode do not spend their money on multiple luxury SUVs, on frequent, extravagant dinners at over-priced restaurants, on $3000 couches.


What I _do_ see are lots of people participating in a collective, ignorant delusion that everything is "going to be just fine," and that things are going to work themselves out. But I reject that. How on earth would things just work themselves out? Things are not _just_ going to be okay. 

There's that saying: "the devil never sleeps." Things are going to be very, very bad for essentially all of us unless we start assessing things honestly, working intelligently and living strategically.

I believe the stakes in real life are the same as in the thought experiment from above. If we don't go into something resembling a "emergency mode," and start focusing our resources like a laser that targets the heart of the problems we're facing, then we will decidedly _not_ be okay.

And the problems are many. And they are urgent.

## On taking action and being prepared

This letter is starting to lose steam, so I'm going to share some of the notable things that have happened to me within the last ten years, most of it within the last 1-3 years.

- notably - a family member of mine with terminal cancer committing suicide by slicing his wrist with a fabric scissor, in part because he was guilty about the burden of high medical debt in America, with another family member discovering the body, dragging it to the bed, and literally orchestrating a scene so that cops would not be involved and rumors would not spread about the circumstances of his passing.
- we had to handle all the trauma shared by those who are aware of the above
- my former church covering up that scandal where the pastor touched the inner thighs of a high school girl
- another pastor coercing me into committing digital forgery for him so he could get some sort of pastoral degree (no lie, that happened)
- friends of mine were given assurances in college by their college advisors that "there are tons of jobs" for their degrees, then finding there are actually very few available.
- friends giving me the side eye because I have a high-paying job without a degree
- a family member getting diagnosed with early-onset schizophrenia
- older family members getting brainwashed by biased conservative media, talking about conspiracy theories
- another family member being charged full tuition to Cornell, for an online-only course that uses buggy unreliable software, with unresponsive professors

I'll make my point now.

I am not trying to suggest that life is pointless because of all this suffering. My thesis is the opposite - that life _can_ be beautiful, but peace is not easily won, nor is it easily kept once it _is_ won. Because each of the above were not random events - they occurred because something in the world is not right. 

I believe that life is a high-stakes game - whether you agree to characterize it as such is your choice, but I still think at the end of the day, there will be winners and there will be losers.

I believe that the act of _living_ is a constant, iterative battle that each successive generation must continue to define and fight for themselves. If `Person A` thinks that the world is peaceful and innocent and beautiful and happy, it is often only because `Person B` has sacrificed a lot to ensure that it is so. 

So, yes. The conclusion. The kinds of "friends" I used to have - the ones I shared memes with, played volleyball with, laughed with - while they're still great people, I don't value that kind of friendship as much, and I don't aspire to be _that_ kind of friend to others anymore.

I hope to have allies, and be a great ally. I will sacrifice time, money, and effort for my allies to help make their lives easier, or to lend my resources towards solving some other important problem.

Here are some ways in which I try to follow through on that philosophy. These are not flexes, this is my resume with real-world efforts so that I don't seem like some crazy conspiracy theorist:
- I have been working for 8+ months on a project that will hopefully earn me side income, which I will use to help pay for family medical debts, school loans, and miscellaneous real estate closing costs.
- I have written extensive recommendation letters to several old colleagues, helping them to leave toxic environments and get placed at new positions.
- I have told family members (and close friends) to start investing, and showed them how to get started. They have since _all_ made profit, with the lowest making $400 and the highest making a profit of $4000 this past year, just for putting their money in a different place.
- I have advised several people on how to manage their finances better. I am not an expert, but I know enough to help those who have no plan at all or who think putting it all into a Chase Savings account is the right way. They have all expressed frustration at not starting sooner and for thinking it was harder than it was.
- I have pushed a family member to not settle for a $50-$60k job. Despite their repeated insistence that my expectations were too high, that they weren't worth that much, that I had unrealistic standards, I kept pushing very hard against accepting those lower-paid positions. They were just hired for ~$102k.
- Almost the same exact story as above, but for a different family member, who was just hired for $90k. 
- ~20 or so people have reached out to me to learn how to start coding. In total I have spent maybe 100 hours over a few years helping them with various things. They now all have jobs in the field.
- I give feedback on people's resumes, cover letters, and application essays for free

I'll paste one of my favorite quotes of all time, from the show Mr. Robot:

> My father picked me up from school one day and we played hookey and went to the beach. It was too cold to go in the water so we sat on a blanket and ate pizza. When I got home, my sneakers were full of sand and I dumped it on my bedroom floor. I didn't know the difference, I was six. My mother screamed at me for the mess, but [my dad] wasn't mad. He said that, billions of years ago, the world shifting and oceans moving brought that sand to that spot on the beach, and then I took it away. 
> Every day, he said, we change the world. Which is a nice thought until I think about how many days and lifetimes I would need to bring a shoe full of sand home until there is no beach. Until it made a difference to anyone. **Every day we change the world. But to change the world in a way that means anything... that takes more time than most people have. It never happens all at once. Its slow. Its methodical. Its exhausting. We don't all have the stomach for it.**

A bit romanticized, maybe. But it's a sentiment I agree with, and a responsibility I feel compelled to bear.

I used to be happy. I called friends on the weekends. I shared life updates. I sent gifts and wrote cards. I dressed well.

And then:

People sold my mom black-market "alternative medicine" for $1000+ that did nothing, predatory landlords came after my cousin's restaurant start-up, my friend who was a refugee from North Korea struggled heavily with her mental health, conservative politicians tried to make an old friend's immigrant status illegal (he was a DACA recipient), sensationalist gurus sold useless "courses" to people I love, telemarketers and televangelists (Joel Osteen and his kind) exploited the elderly and used those funds to buy jet planes, app developers exploited kids' dopamine pathways by using the same addictive feedback loop that gambling machines use to profit, Chinese hackers tried to hack my email (legitimately, I got a warning from Google and had to upgrade to a higher-security account), MLMs took money from people I know by peddling garbage products with dishonest claims, I can literally go on for hours.

These are not theoretical threats. Each of these schemes have hurt me or someone I know directly. This isn't about being a good person and flexing my altruism. This is about fighting the wicked vultures, tooth and nail, so that I can go to sleep at night.

I have been both consumed and validated by this slow-burning fight to empower the ones I love, and in so doing, weaken the powers that seek to exploit us for benefit.

## On allies

The world is beautiful, but that beauty is hard-won. And there are many that would snip all the world's flowers and sell them in exchange for a Lamborghini. 

If you need me, I will help you. But that part of me that used to look at the stars has been, in a way, been beaten down. I now look at the ground right before me, just hoping daily that I don't trip.

In my mind, you are my one of my allies. You stand amongst a handful of people who hold a claim to all the ways in which I'm capable of pushing value out into this world.

Because you were kind to me, you did not lie to me or slander me like others have. That might seem like a low bar, and in absolute terms, perhaps it is. But on relative terms - many still entirely fail to meet it.

So, I hope that you are doing better. I may not talk to you constantly or even often at all, but I hope you know that I do care - I'd wager, far more than many other people who check all the boxes of a "good friend." If you need help, I will try my damn best to show up.

## On next steps

This isn't an empty, vague offer meant as an emotional sign-off to this letter. It's a real one. Below is what I can help with, and like I say to my other allies - you _should_ exploit me as a resource:

- if your father has a GoFundme or similar, I'd love to contribute, please send it to me
- getting set up with a personal website, if you need one
- anything relating to coding, or getting a job in tech, or negotiating salaries
- getting a basic footing with a financial plan
- resume feedback
- i may be able to help slightly with real estate planning, or at least direct you to some resources for it.
- and lastly, a listening ear. 

## Closing

I hope you're well. I hope the words said here came across correctly. Sorry it took so long for me to send this.